The Many Sides of Yemisrach

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Today has been a trying day with my Yemi, but also a sweet one. Oh, I love that girl fiercely, and enjoy her tremendously. But I also am the most bewildered and confused by that child. She keeps me humble…and a little lost…and smiling. I’m not sure that I ever was interesting enough to do any of those things to anyone! Both of my girls make me feel the full range of emotions, and have personalities far beyond mine ever was or will be. But anyway, I just want to spend a minute writing about this little firecracker/diva/curious george/comedian: Yemisrach (Good News) Abigail (Her Father Rejoices).

Yesterday, my mom took her to KSS, and while mom was shopping, Yemi grabbed a notepad and pen from off the shelf. She began writing her name in it. My mother bought the notepad, and told Yemi she would have to pay her for it later. Yemi had no real answer as to why she chose to do this…She didn’t really seem shocked that she got in trouble, but she wasn’t trying to hide it either.  She has two dollars less now, but I don’t think that means anything to her.

Today, in math, for (literally) the 80th time, I asked Yemi how many months were in a year. Many days she doesn’t seem to understand questions like this. In helping her find an answer, we discussed what month we were in, looked at the calendar, even held the baggie full of cards which have written on them the months of year…but still this answer just evaded her. After several other attempts, we/I landed on the number twelve and we moved on. Somedays these things that you can’t see make sense to her, other days they don’t. There are a multitude of things I truly cannot comprehend that others can (and I’m not being humble, its just true), so it’s not that I think she’s not intelligent (because she absolutely is)…I just don’t know how to get these concepts to become real to her no matter how much we talk about it, act it out, turn the pages of the calendar, and so on.

Then later today at a restaurant where you get your own drink from the “fountain”, while I was ordering she ran off, grabbed a cup from who knows where, and filled it up with fruit punch. She knows we only get water, she has never been allowed to wander over and fill up her cup before, and she didn’t ask. She seemed just as bewildered as me when I punished her for this! I just don’t know what’s going on in her little mind. All day, when I tell her something, she doesn’t appear to be listening, so I’ll say “repeat a little of what I just said, please”. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. I’ve told her she’s not really safe if she can’t listen to adults and remember what they have told her. Could she repeat that back to me? What do you think?

This evening, she found one of her Christmas presents under the bed. We do a few small gifts at Christmas; we’re not the Christmas morning extravaganza type folks. I was really sad that I hadn’t done a good job of hiding it and really sad the surprise was spoiled. I still don’t know why she was under our bed downstairs, but alas…All the Christmas presents have been moved to a better located as of now, in case you were worried. 🙂

Yemi doesn’t seem to notice things that I wish she would, and she seems most interested in snacks and TV shows and getting her way. Everything else is kind of “eh” to her. Take it or leave it.

This is Yemi.

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But this is, too:

I sat snuggling with her, reading the cutest library books ever, that she had picked out. It was truly some of the sweetest minutes of my day, sitting there under covers with that precious little girl whom we sometimes call “our little coffee bean”. One of the books we read was about a school in Chad, Africa, a school where boys and girls had to walk on dirt paths to get there; a school where on the first day of the September, the kids pitched in to build it– from the ground up! The illustrations were beautiful, and we loved them. Yemi noticed some things beyond the beauty though. She said, “That lady doesn’t have any shoes on…and that boy is playing with a coke can…” Then she said, “When I go to Ethiopia, I’ll need to be barefoot, too. I don’t want them to see my shoes and feel bad. I’ll need to not wear any nice dresses, because I don’t want anybody to feel bad. Do you think they have baby dolls? I’ll need to bring mine for them.”

I held her hand, realizing how honest and real she was being, and how it was coming from a heart that was interested in more than when and what her next snack would be.

Then, in typical Yemi fashion, she finished her thought with: “I think I should only stay a day in Ethiopia.” “Why?” I said. “Because I wouldn’t want to leave Pajama Baby alone for too long.” “Oh, okay, ” I said. Then she screwed up her mouth and furrowed her eyebrows and said, “Buuut….Pajama Baby is kinda rude to me sometimes, so it might be okay.”

Who Is Really Doing the Waiting?

We adopted Yemisrach, who is now six years old, in 2009. By 2011, I was asking my husband when we could start the process again. Much like labor, the pain and agony of the scary and expensive process was completely erased, and I was ready to do it again. In 2013, God put Jack in the place where he was ready to jump in, too, and within hours of him telling me (the third most exciting news ever) –that we could add to our family again– I had our application (already filled out, I sheepishly admit) in the mailbox.

That was one year ago. Our dossier was officially received on February 27, 2014, and the wait began for a referral. We have no real time frame to go by and since we are adopting from Haiti, a country whose adoption laws have went through major changes this year (all for the good), there aren’t any real guidelines to go by or other families to stalk and compare with in hopes our journey will be better or worse! In fact, I have purposely stayed out of the loop regarding other families, because every case is different and there’s just. no. telling.

But there are two things on my mind today regarding our adoption, two things I’d like to share.

One, God has been so awesome to keep me in peace and free from anxiety. He gave me this verse, from Exodus 33: “My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest.” He said this to Moses, when Moses was freaking out about something and had said, “Lord, if you are not going to go with us, then please don’t send us!” And the Lord came in a cloud that hovered over the Tent of Meeting, and that was around the time Moses face started to glow after spending time in the Presence, too. I think the Lord answered that prayer exponentially for Moses, don’t you? That was exactly my prayer in starting this adoption. And He has really done it. My attitude has been, “Thank You, Lord, that someday I get to bring more kids into our home. I’m just happy to be in the process, do it Your way.” That has been a gift, and pretty different than how I felt in our journey to Yemi…I was a basket case!

But that brings me to the second thing. For one of the very first times, now that it’s been a year, and also as there have just been so few referrals coming out of Haiti this entire year, I was feeling discouraged. I was starting to feel frustrated that our kids (even though we don’t know who they are, probably our agency does) were getting older sitting in an orphanage. I started to think about paperwork and if they were going to ask us to change the ages of preference so that those children would still fit our criteria. I started to think about how those children must feel, wondering if there is anyone who wants them or at least anyone who is physically able to take care of them, wondering if a soft bed, enough dinner, a pet, a Christmas gift, a good school, or most of all parents were going to be part of their future. I wonder, Do they have hope? Do they know what I know- that they are daily prayed for, and sought after, and that many adults are working on their behalf to get them from where they are to where they can’t even dream of yet? Do they know I have empty picture frames waiting for their sweet faces, and that my heart has an empty spot, too, that will only be filled by them in God’s redeeming plan?

In this time of prayer and thoughts, I sort of said to myself, in an effort to ease some of the hurt, “Well, this gives me more time to fundraise, and get well, and get this or that figured out, and have more time with the kids we have.” All true. Totally fine. But my heart had made a major shift. I don’t like having to wait, sure, but I’m not sad and slightly angry and praying hard for ME, a mom waiting for her children. I’m sad and slightly angry and praying hard from the perspective of these children. Not a mom waiting for children…but children waiting for a mom. There’s a big difference. I can pretty easily calm the hurt as a mom waiting for her children, because I have a wonderful, purposeful, and hope filled life right here and now. But can I calm the hurt that I am choosing to share with those kids who are waiting for parents and safety and home and enough? I really cannot.

Adoption exercises the faith muscle in a major way, just like any time you see a child in need when you can’t do anything more than what you are already doing for them. We decide in that moment that we have no choice but to completely entrust them to the Lord and place them in His hands. When we let go of something that precious, that priceless, as innocent children, into the care of the Father (who gave us this love and fierce determination to rescue in the first place), that is faith– that is the bloody, tender flesh of faith. And it hurts. And it should. And it’s okay to hurt. It’s more than okay.

He sits with the lowly, is near to the brokenhearted. Of that, we can be sure…and so His presence, that I so cherish, must be with them as well. He will always be their home and their hope, not me. He is their answer, not me. So He is showing me that my most urgent prayer for my kids, or the kids stuck in the Congo, or even kids stuck in an abusive home or bad situation, shouldn’t be a cry of “get them to their forever family, Lord” but a cry of “Lord, bring them to You.”

He is at work in the waiting.

Freedom, Balance, and Other Things I’ve Been Missing

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One thing I see in us as a genuine value of the Kingdom is transparency.

When I was first learning who and what the Holy Spirit was, I imagined that I was a store front with glass windows and He lived inside that store. If I had lots of things blocking the window or if the windows were just terribly smudged and dirty, He couldn’t be seen when people tried to look in to find Him. Well, the windows being dirty clearly is an indication of sin, and the windows being blocked: that could be many things. But one thing it definitely is is good old fashioned pride. Not wanting anyone to see what’s really going on in there!

It takes a while for me to see pride in my heart and life; it’s like it always appears in a way I didn’t expect it to look. Always. But either way, if I am feeling like I am too wishy-washy, too immature, too emotional, too anything- I’d rather nobody know about it. I’d like to keep things tidy and organized in how I am described, you know? I don’t want to be known as the woman who pings off this wall, hits another, and comes back. I don’t want to write blogs that seemingly contradict the strong faith and/or feelings I had last week.

Quite frankly, it seems I don’t really want to be human neither do I want to appear human to others! 🙂

But I am. And I’ve got to stop judging myself so harshly for it. I’m sure that way of thinking has overflowed into my relationships with others, too, without me realizing it, and I’m sorry for that. We’re human, and we’re going to let each other down sometimes. We’re going to be wrong, irrational, messy, and need help and forgiveness and time and grace. I’m tired of feeling like if I’ve chosen a certain path I must stay to it until death! (Unless I promised until death, which is a short list there!)

So here’s where this human is right now:

My life lately has become a big fat set of to-do lists. To live on little sleep, little energy, little outlets, little relief from whatever little problems that have been wearing a hole in the rock for years means you begin surviving through a set of rules that will bring some control (I can at least do this thing on my list, so no one can say I ain’t trying!) , a little comfort (pat on the back for getting it done? I’ll take it!), and a little hope (if I am good enough at these things–my family’s nutrition, a clean house, schooling the kids in what I think is the best (read: hardest) way, being strict on diet and exercise, prayer and ministry–then maybe, just maybe, the clouds will part and I will come into a promised land!)

So that’s really all I have to say tonight. The Holy Spirit lives in me and I am wanting you to see Him, so I can let you know that I’m great some days and awful some other days, but EVERY DAY I am so fully human it hurts. I don’t know how to do this and please forgive me for the days I think I do. Once I think I am free from expectations of mine and others, I realize I’m not. Once I think I’m on the right path, it’s time to change. Once I think I’ve got balance in the areas of my life, I realize something is out of whack. I’m tired of living on a tight rope though. I’m going to accept humanity; it was one of God’s gifts to me after all.

I need help learning how to fall off that tight rope and just land where I do.

I need help learning again to be still. To listen. To stop, a lot.

I need help learning again how wonderful it is to let the Holy Spirit guide my day instead of a to-do list or an innate set of expectations of what must be cleaned, cooked, prepared, prayed for, surrendered, journaled, meditated on, practiced, given, done, accomplished…

I need help learning to have fun!

I need to learn that I can’t control what others see when they look into this transparent window. I can’t make sure what you see is a miracle of God, a clear manifestation of God’s goodness and faithfulness. You may look in and see nothing that helps your life or grows your faith, because God is not scared of what we witness and then have to struggle with. He doesn’t do damage control to His reputation; I have always wished He would, but He doesn’t. So that’s His business.

Whatever He’s doing, I hope we can have eyes to see it.

 

 

 

 

Sister Bridge 2014 Is Coming!

I just wanted to write a quick little blog to say:

I AM SO EXCITED about partnering with four wonderful ministries this fall!

We have merchandise from India, Swaziland, and Indonesia. There are new items from EACH ministry, plus an entirely new partner in India who makes scarves, shawls, and headbands. I’ll post pictures and a price list as soon as I have time to get it all out and organized. Our first party is September 27, and it’s not too early to book one.

You can check out the websites of these life-giving ministries we are selling for while you wait!

www.coi.org

www.rahabsrope.org

www.timbalicrafts.org

www.beadsofjava.org

Summin’ Up Summa’

I am pretty excited to say I finally have a computer at home again! I get to blog, work on my website, work on Sister Bridge stuff, and who knows what else…in all my spare time…Oh…Wait, what? 😉

To sum up the summer before I get going on this new season ahead…

I can sum up my part of the summer pretty quickly actually. I struggled. It was rough. I felt exhausted and crappy almost every day. God is greater and I held on to Him, but it really was like a drowning person reaching for a rope and being kind of dragged through the waves instead of getting nice and dry in the boat, headed for a sure and safe destination.I have a couple more doctor appointments this month and I am praying for results that can lead to knowledge and relief. I have done all I can do and made any changes my research has led me to make, especially in regard to diet, exercise, rest, and stress management.

But on to the fun part: The kids did have a really fun summer, thankfully! Their grandparents, friends, and of course their super fun Daddy made sure of that!

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Yemisrach turned 6 and Selah turned 9!

It is Selah that wins the award for the biggest changes…that girl is growing up! She is such a joy, and such a unique, funny, caring soul. She has some new things happening in her life and she is enthusiastic about it all. She has always been the type to thoroughly LIVE in each moment, and it is just amazing to stand back and watch her doing that in this season. If she is this mature and changing at 9, I really am not sure what we have ahead of us at 12, 15, 18, eek! She is currently writing a book, learning to type on one of our old computers, and daily practicing piano, guitar, and songwriting. I am amazed at how she can write a song, know what chords to put on it, remember it, and perform it. I did not do all of that until I was 17, but I wanted to! She is a great student, and this year we are studying Creation to the Greeks. We’ve had a lot of fun learning about Egyptian culture.

Yemi has definitely changed a little, but all in all, she is still the fun loving little pesky sister! She is in first grade at home and LOVES reading in her little Bible Reader (the reading curriculum with My Father’s World) each day. She has been waiting so long to get to do that, as well as put Biblical characters/stories on her timeline on the wall. I was thrown for a loop a little at the start of this school year because I realized how much she needs hands-on Math instead of what I had done with Selah. We have re-worked things more to her learning needs and while it takes much longer, I’m happy God revealed that to me so that I could adapt.

I am so blessed! I love being home and being with my girls. I know that with my health being this way I could send them to school, but I’m just not willing to let go right now of the beautiful thing we have here together. Time will tell. God will do what He wants. We live by faith!

 

 

 

Co-Writing!

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So…this past week, I got to go to Nashville and meet up with a new friend, a fellow singer-songwriter, Julie Keltonic!

She is a great singer-songwriter and mommy, and in our time together I also got to experience how genuine, kind, and Christ-focused she is. I have heard a lot of negative things about Nashville to be honest…when everyone is hoping to climb the same ladders, I can see how it would bring about some negative experiences. But I was blessed to hang out with this sister who has a ministry-minded motive in all she does there. I hope more of the Christian music industry will take cues from her, because what she is offering both in music and in spirit is exactly what needs to be coming through our radios, er, iPhone speakers.

We met for two afternoons and wrote a song called “Just Passing Through”. One thing we felt we had in common was that just in the past couple of weeks, we have seen devastating loss in the lives around us. While we knew we couldn’t provide a tidy answer for these sufferings, we did have some encouraging thoughts we wanted to explore starting with the lines: “We’re not meant to grow roots, we’re just passing through.” Here’s a little video for you!

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20140720-165831-61111549.jpgApproximately fourteen years ago, after weeks of storying through the Bible with several friends in my village, Dialakorobougou…

my friend, Mamu Coulibaly, heard the story of Jesus for the first time.

She was probably about 30 years old and had 6 kids. She had probably heard the name of Jesus because He is mentioned in the Muslim religion, but she had never heard that there was a way to have her sins washed away. She didn’t know that Creator God wanted a relationship with her and even created her for that very purpose. When she heard what Jesus did and why He did it, she told me she believed and asked how to start that relationship. Within a week or so, she came to my house and repeated a prayer with me; we talked about how to cultivate that new relationship with Someone you couldn’t see, and then I realized, we hadn’t made it past the crucifixion story!

Really, without thinking much of it, I got out my Bambara Bible and pictures and began telling her the story of the Jesus’s resurrection. I will never forget her reaction as long as I live! It was SO funny. As most missionaries can probably commiserate with, for a few moments in the story I wasn’t even sure if she was paying attention, but she apparently was because as soon as I said that after three days in the tomb, Jesus rose from the dead and walked around talking to people, she looked up at me like I had just pulled a practical joke on her. She kept shaking her head and kind of laughing, she kept saying ,”No, no, Safiatu…” I showed her the Bible, even though she was not literate, to point out that if it’s in here it’s true! I’ll never forget that moment.

That was July 20, 2000. Four of her children also became believers shortly after.

Sadly, when I left due to health issues at the end of October 2000, I wasn’t able to keep in touch. I had a missionary bring them some letters and wedding pictures for awhile but as the team disbursed, I had no connection. The address for Mamu would look something like this: Mamu Coulibaly (the equivalent of Sue Jones), Dialakorobougou, Mali, West Africa. No post office out there in the bush, no street name or house number. That makes me sad but it is wonderful to know I will indeed see her again someday.

“When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, we’ll sing and shout the victory!”

 

 

Precious Again

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It is a wonderful, blessed, beautiful thing when God intervenes in my every day life.

And He does it often.

Pretty much every time I ask, really…

Sara Groves has this song, Precious Again, and the last lines of the chorus:

Promise that just when love grows cold, You’ll make it precious again.”

I’ve been struggling hard lately…some days struggling well and some days just getting through. Adrenal fatigue and wacky sleep patterns have been kicking my rear for over a month. In all the researching, reading, and following through, I do know that the day will come that I feel good again, but until that day, it’s hard to keep carrying it. BUT…

Day by day, God has revealed a thought here or there that has brought a smile…a song, a passage of scripture, a friend, a funny moment. Yesterday it came in getting caught in an absolute downpour while on a walk and stealing bites of the utterly forbidden cookie dough while making them for four darling little girls at my kids’ sleepover! I felt like God was saying, “Don’t forget to enjoy life, my love!” He intervenes in the every day.

He intervenes when He says things like: “Sometimes I enlarge your territory simply by opening your eyes and the creativity of your heart to the territory you already have.” Yes! That speaks to me.  That reignites my passion for all that I have been entrusted with.

When I forget…when I lose heart…when I just feel like I’m existing and nothing more…He breathes life. He is the Life.

Friends…

Hi friends, supporters, and precious people who listen to my music!

I want to tell you something.

Back in February I went to a conference at the Vineyard in Campbellsville…It was about creativity, and God spoke to me in a really different way there. I began to realize through the sessions that I had backed off and backed down over and over when it came to my music. I thought it was humility but really it was fear. Since then, I’ve been praying and searching how to pursue possibilities. How to be exactly the artist I need to be. How to thrive in whatever environment I’m in. How to be faithful with little and be ready for more. How to not be afraid of both failure, and how to not be afraid of success.

And I’m not sure all of the steps ahead of me, but I did decide to send a demo (four songs) to a great Christian label and I’m also sending a link to my website to a great Christian publishing company. (This is how submissions are supposed to be handled, per their websites.) The purpose in this is to see if they are interested in my writing or in me as an artist.

All I can think about is what I’m not, like “It will take them 10 seconds to hear and see all I am not…” but I pray that they will see what I am.  I’m real, honest, transparent, communicating His heart the way He reveals it to me, to the Church and to the world, in my own way. We all have a voice. I’m praying God may make mine a little louder. New territory.

So will you pray with me? I feel no urgency about this. I’ve been singing and writing for over 18 years! I’m going to keep doing what I do and thanking God for every opportunity. But will you pray that :

1- I won’t sabotage myself.

2- The right people at the right places would take the time to listen to songs and think about what could be.

3- The enemy wouldn’t get any territory on either end.

4- God would give me vision and direction.

Thank you! I appreciate you!