Posted on

Computer Crash

Well, I was just telling someone this week how hard it would be for me to live without my computer. I didn’t even have a laptop until maybe a year ago, when Jack was given a new Mac for work and his laptop passed down to me. Oh, my gosh, there is so much more I could have done with it, but I was totally rocking the iPhoto, iTunes, and internet. GarageBand was also fun at times, but I never did anything really worthwhile on it. I have my website, not that it’s anything great, but people do go to find lyrics and chords of my songs on there. Everyone communicates by Facebook and email now, even my own mother who is still on juno.com. Lately I was burning some great worship CDs for friends and blogging more, here and at Megan’s website (www.themommypost.com)…so I’m sad!

Anyway, I think my computer is dead. It’s something I want to be mature about, like see how God wants to use this…maybe I was using it too much, or maybe it was a distraction. I am certain if the Lord wants me to have a computer, I’ll have a computer. Bam. But I’m still sad. I feel like Facebook and blogging really keep me from being isolated, plus I am a major “verbal” processor and I have to work through things by writing, I just have to. I still journal, but the blog makes me feel like I am learning things that maybe are affecting others, too. But mostly it’s just fun, and I need that!
Oh, well. Enough. At least Jack has a computer I can sometimes steal away. Maybe this will make my blogs a little more purposeful.
Tonight was our first Christmas gathering; Jack’s side of the family. It was really fun. Grandma gave me some used house shoes and a dreamcatcher. Yes, I’m serious. I am pretty sure it was a gag gift…I mean, obviously it was a gag gift, but the question is whether it was MEANT to be a gag gift! The kids got some beautiful dresses, jammies, and baby dolls. That’s all they need…yet there are about 5 more “Christmases” to go. It’s such a fun 2 weeks, but I really have to pace myself…meaning get in bed every chance I have, keep exercising, taking my supplements, and doing the other stuff on my list. This time last year was so hard; I praise Him for the path He has taken me on this year, and I praise Him that out of His great mercy I feel better than I thought I would.
Posted on

Tree Turtle

I am genuinely concerned about Tree Turtle.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a picture to show you, but it really is real.
One day about 2 years ago, I was doing dishes and looking out my window at the tree. It was winter, so all it was just bare branches, and lo and behold, there was Tree Turtle. It’s like this funny knobby thing on one of the branches that looks JUST like a turtle with it’s head poked up. So cute. So it became my little winter pet. I’m really not crazy…Really.
Well, with the ice that came in last night…ummm…I can’t find him! I don’t know if his branch is bending too low and is behind another branch or what. I’ll certainly let you know as soon as he rears his cute little head again, because I’m sure you are now concerned as well. And when he does, I will take a picture!! You just don’t know what you have until it’s gone!! (LOL!)
Posted on

Home

So, I suppose Christmas Break has started early for us. Selah is home with strep throat, and it looks like an ice storm will be coming to knock out chances of school on Thursday. Bring on the peanut butter balls, Santa Clause movie marathon, and well, um, insanity.

I’m just feeling a little weird, like I am just not ready for Christmas, and I have no idea why. Our first “christmas” is this Saturday, with Jack’s side of the family. It will be fun, and then the next day its christmas again, at my mom and dad’s. It’ll be great…but what about it makes me want to just go ahead and eat every praline I made (to bring to the parties)?
Well, another lame blog post, but I do think some good ones are coming. I want to do some “year-end book and movie reviews” (don’t you just love my overuse of quotation marks today? You know i’m in a sarcastic mood when I use lots of quotation marks!) And then in January, once all the beautiful holiday festivities are over and it’s just plain cold, I am going to launch into a daily blog about winter survival. I seriously do plan to blog every day on the topic of ideas to make winter spectacular for those of us prone to hibernation! I’m sure that my ideas are things everyone else knows, however, I will need to write them down for my own sake…and maybe they’ll be a reminder to my fellow shiver-ers.
Posted on

Good Morning!

Wow. It’s early. So sorry to be a wimp, I realize most people get up at 6:30, but not me. I’ve been fighting it since I was little. I remember, I used to get my clothes for the next day on before I went to bed so that I could get up later…And now, I have a legitimate reason to not get up early. My overall health depends on about 12 hours of sleep a night. While I’ve grown to accept it, it’s obviously hard to stay feeling well. It’s a lot of discipline to stay well, but at least now I know what I need and can make it happen. 🙂

Anyway, yesterday and today I had to be up at 6:30 to take Selah to school because my dear Jack is out of town for work. It was nice to have the extra hours; got more laundry and dishes done than I usually do in a week! I also had some time to get out my guitar and play a little. That led to me getting a little house concert set up at my friends’ house, to play Christmas songs. So, that’s been nice… but the cloud hanging over my head of fatigue and loopiness, not so nice.
I’ve also had a little more time with the Lord. God convicted me this week of putting working out before time with Him. I wasn’t just prioritizing my time wrongly, it was in my heart, too. For about 8 months, I’ve had all these changes to my diet and life so that I can get better…but with all the changes, I started to gain a little weight, and because that’s always been such a battle, I felt I needed to bring it back to the forefront of my mind again. But it has led to such bondage; anytime I put anything in the forefront of my mind over knowing Jesus, that’s what happens! So, it has been wonderful to place this part of my life where it belongs (on the radar, but not front and center) and remember the One Thing I am living for.
So…kind of randomness today…but I thought I’d share. Have a happy day, and let’s turn our eyes upon Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith!
Posted on

Full Circle

I have been listening to a teaching on bitterness for the past several months, and the Lord is really using it in my life. When I started it, I wondered how it would play out…would I become aware of hidden bitterness? It turns out that I have, and I’m sure there is more to be revealed. Anyway, I just am struck today by the way these past 2 weeks have happened in regard to this lesson in bitterness coming full circle.

2 weeks ago, my good friend shared with me something; she was not being confrontational really, but God used it internally as something I needed to be confronted about. Basically, I was holding a lot of judgment and critical opinions about someone, truly thinking I had learned something they didn’t know; without ever coming to grips with it fully, I had believed I was right and they were wrong. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it was seething under the surface and would come out every now and then if others brought it up. Self-righteousness was winning over love. That’s the bottom line.
Well, I saw how it was hurting people, finally I saw it. I had done the same thing to Jack, also, in marriage through the years and had repented of that, so it was a familiar problem. That next day at church, I had time to work through it with God, and made an altar so to speak to lay down the ugly sin (I didn’t think it was ugly before, I thought it was deserved and true and just). Knowing that you can starve a thought to death, I committed to no longer dwell on or speak of these opinions again. I asked God to remove them from my heart completely, and while the facts still exist of what they believe vs. what I believe, I don’t care anymore. They are God’s and I am God’s, and He is in charge of what we need to know right now.
That very day, after releasing these people, God in turn set me free. He was waiting for me to show grace SO THAT He could offer to me grace in the same proportion. I know He is merciful and good and shows grace even when we don’t, but He wanted me to understand this spiritual law of Matthew 7…the same measure I show grace, that is the measure in which I will receive it myself. His grace to me came in the form of showing me the invisible enemy who was wreaking havoc on my life; He opened my eyes to victory over some things that had really been lessening my joy.
Then a couple days ago, this yucky conversation happened with my loved one where I was the object of her judgment and unsolicited opinions. It was important for me to see that I have done this to so many people…these people I have mentioned, Jack, and others in the past. It was like God was showing me what it looks like to…well, just not love. Love hasn’t been my crusade. People doing their best, people getting what they deserve, people changing “for the better”, that was my crusade. Maybe I am a hippie, but I’m not sure what good any of that does when we’d rather have justice than mercy.
I was thinking about it today, after listening to more of the teaching on bitterness, how God did not get justice and how He did not show justice to me, but instead mercy. God does not deserve to have to put up with me; He certainly does not deserve to love me, a wandering sheep. Oh, how He deserves a fiery love! When He sent His Son to die for me, justice was not done. There was nothing just or fair about it. It was mercy. And that is why I’m finally, finally, getting a glimpse of understanding on how to love others. Even if I’m poorly loved, even if I never get out of someone what they really should give me, (everything from store cashiers to my children!), I want to choose to love. Accept. Show mercy over justice. Let God be their Potter, not me.
Yeah.
Posted on

Freedom

You know, I have so much growing to do…so much learning to do…so many things that I don’t even know need to be cleaned up in my heart, life, beliefs…I won’t know what they are until God allows circumstances or conviction or conversation to bring them up. Having said that, I want to blog today about something that sort of shocked me.

Yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with a loved one. It felt at the time that it was coming out of nowhere, but throughout the day I realized it was a bit of a time bomb waiting to go off. I am the type of person that once I have changed, for example once my attitude is different about something, I completely forget what I used to be like. It takes something big to happen before I go, “Oh my gosh, I don’t do that anymore” or “Wow, that’s not even an issue now.” My point is that since God did such a work of freedom in my heart the past year or two (which I won’t explain because I’ve talked so much about it in my blogs already), I live in a fairly peaceful state. I certainly can still get mad or upset about things, and I have my moments of feeling sad and depressed, but because the deepest question in my soul has been answered, I am calm and at peace, and don’t worry about many things. I don’t ignore problems, I don’t pretend, but at the same time, I feel like I have accepted a lot of the things that are hard in life that others want to keep fighting against.
I’m not trying to sound high and mighty, like I’ve arrived at some nirvana! BUT I am free from my striving to achieve and change things. I am free from trying to make God or anyone else do or become something of my creation, my planning. I don’t live in a constant state of trying to prevent suffering. This has definitely started to show in my parenting, my conversations, my emotions (what I don’t get worked up about), etc. Well, finally I will get to the point: While people have mentioned that they think I am patient, calm, at peace, yesterday was the first time I was actually attacked about it. Without going into it, I think they were jealous of this perspective and peace that God has given me. It was so weird to be accused of not caring enough about the things other people care about, not trying to dress or live like others, living “cluelessly” like a “hippie”. I absolutely took this as a compliment. Of course there were some mean things said as well, that I won’t share. These things I didn’t take as a compliment, but I have disregarded them already! I’ve also been told my kids don’t respect me because I’m too sweet and patient with them, when they need sternness. (First of all, I’m not sweet and patient, and plenty stern, don’t be fooled! I only attempt to control MYSELF first and foremost, above controlling them.) I take this as a compliment, too.
I really do feel secure in the way I am living my life. It is a relief and a joy to hear these criticisms and after praying about it, really think to myself, “There was nothing of value from God in that. I am moving on.” I’m sharing this, not to sound like I have it all together, because we all know I do not and am not even trying to, but because we are ALL in this same boat. We have to make our decisions and just LIVE. People’s comments really can just slide off our backs. Our validation, encouragement, and correction comes from the Lord. Be free, friends, be free! I hope that sharing this little glimpse of my journey to confidence and freedom will be affirmation to you!
Posted on

AMEN!

Wow, I heard a great word today from IHOP Kansas City. It’s “old” but new to me! A girl, I think her name was Julie Meyer, had a dream where God was speaking to her about several things. I need to listen to it again to really describe it, but I wanted to share this one thought.

She said something like: “Whatever you tripped over yesterday, you are going to tread upon today!” Have you ever just had a hallelujah or an amen or a YES just rise out of your gut and come out your throat without a chance to think it through? This has been happening to me more often recently. In the kitchen, when I heard this word, I jumped up and down, screaming YES!! AMEN!!! Victory. Yemi loved it. She likes to yell, “Jesus!” whenever she hears worship.
I wrote a song one time called “When A Flame is Fine”, and its about how we/Christians/myself are pretty inhibited and perhaps even slightly dull to the sheer joy and dare I say emotion that the cross deserves! When you’ve been rescued, when you understand you’ve been rescued, I mean, really, is the proper response the type of things we tend to see in church on Sunday mornings?? Cold and quiet, hands in pockets?? I digress at this point…but I want to declare that yes, there are still many places where I cannot be totally myself and let those cries from my gut come out, but my home and where I worship on Sunday mornings are FREE spaces. It’s good to not have to hold it inside anymore. FREEDOM!
Posted on

What The?

So, I woke up today at 11:59, and while I know there are much worse things to wake up to, I woke to a complete and utter mess. Obviously, from the 14 hour night of sleep the night before, I’m not feeling so good, so I guess the past few days blurred by and I didn’t notice the mess accumulating. Jack has been working non-stop on the girls’ bedroom floors (bless him!!), so I’ve had to keep the girls downstairs playing and watching movies for days. It had all kinds of potential to be fun, and sometimes it was, but laying around watching movies with your hubby or by yourself and laying around watching movies with a whiney, snotty nosed 2 year old who only wants to watch Elmo or Dora is a different thing altogether.

So, anyway, every room in my house is disgusting. I actually dreamt last night about dust and cobwebs, so my subconscious was trying to prepare me! Most of the girls’ belongings are in the middle of the kitchen, there’s all kinds of crud under the table, 2 full loads of dishes and laundry to be done, receipts and paperwork I can’t seem to get to (both physically and mentally!) and yet if I don’t, who knows what may happen to the checking account? There is a stack of stuff Selah’s teacher wants me to fill out or do or buy, due by 4 different dates in December, the basement is covered in toys from this morning when Jack was trying to keep the kids occupied (and halfway quiet for me, again, bless him!), and when I looked in the mirror I realized my distant relatives from both sides of the family had been forced to behold my completely overgrown eyebrows. Plus, no matter how hard I work at it, the scale continues to mock my efforts. I am SO staying in my pajamas today.
I feel better after sharing my ridiculous complaints; I really do. I need to go outside a little, and breathe in some fresh air before I attack this mess. December is going to be wonderful: more new flooring which is a dream come true, Christmas parties, Selah being off school again, making yummy things to share with friends and family. And January through March? Well, survival will require some spiritual warfare…and blogging. I’ve decided to blog Jan-Mar (almost) everyday, each day bringing up a new way to survive the worst winter has to throw at us! I am no longer a winter-hater, I just know I need some extra support during those darker, shorter, colder days. Thanks for stopping in, friends. Love you and hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving! (Kind of ironic, my Thanksgiving post was the opposite. I’ll try to make up for that later!)
Posted on

Hi!

I’m going to try to sneak in a quick blog while I’m making dinner! Last week, I missed blogging but I was just really too pitiful to get on here and say what was on my mind. I figured it would have done no good for anyone! It was just a rough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially. Sometimes my blogs may sound confident, as if I’m saying, “Oh, wow, look what I’ve discovered and look how easy all this is!!” If you ever take that home after reading, please remember this: I am a total and complete mess whose sound mind at any moment of any day is because Jesus has mercy on me. There. Now you know. 🙂

Anyway…speaking of Jesus having mercy…I have really had a breakthrough I would love to share! Whether it is the adrenal fatigue, or depression, or whatever, I was beginning to fear getting up in the morning; I wondered what I would face, and I wasn’t sure anymore if I could handle what I would face. It’s been like this for years, because some days I feel good and then on those days I can keep commitments, get things done, and feel pretty positive about my life, and then many days, I feel like I didn’t sleep at all and I just want the day to be over before it’s begun. When there are days like this in a row (which last year was pretty much every day), it definitely starts to get to me, and I forget who I really am and how I normally feel about all God has given me. There’s the background, here’s the good news:
On Sunday, the message/worship was about spiritual warfare. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, saying, “You are NOT a slave to what circumstances and feelings and moods, even sickness, that you wake up to!” I realized it was the enemy, it was Satan, who was taking these weaknesses of my body and life and turning them into something more than they actually are. I realized that I am not the enemy; my body and mind, even as carnal and flesh as it is, is not the enemy. My weaknesses are not the problem! The way I was allowing Satan to USE my weaknesses against me was the problem. Those weaknesses can be tremendous strengths with the right perspective: turning them into dependence on the Lord, bringing sacrifices of praise which are beautiful in His sight, and making my life “limited” to His will (not taking on more than He actually wants me to). It is awesome to not see myself as something to be feared, to not see myself as the enemy, because truth be told, I was treating myself like the enemy. I was not living, eating, taking care of my self like a person would who loves herself. I do have an enemy though, and I know how to deal with him! It is amazing how fast he has to flee when we declare that we will not agree with him, that we will not live by the thoughts he puts in our mind first thing in the morning!
I don’t have power over these circumstances, and I don’t like to pretend everything is great when I’m walking through quicksand. But I do have power, by God’s presence and grace and truth, over what these circumstances do to me. AMEN!
Posted on

Don’t Neglect Redirection!

I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection.

For goodness sake, I am like a kid you have to tell every five minutes what they’re supposed to be doing (or not doing). I forget what good news I just heard, I forget what clear word I received, and I’m just clueless…every morning. I’m lost and depressed…every morning. So it is a real joy that I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection, because now that I realize it and embrace this weak and sad reality about me, I can forgive myself and move on! God is showing me how important it is to receive redirection outside of myself. I never used to be the type to depend on books, teachings/podcasts, Bible Study workbooks, or praise music CDs to receive the guidance and truth that I needed from God. But now, I am taking in all I can get!
It makes sense to me to say that if we’re in church, or in a Bible Study, or reading a book (all in efforts to grow spiritually) and those experiences do not redirect our eyes and hearts and lives to Jesus and how much He loves us, they are a waste of time. Our devotion and love for Him throughout the week will only be a response to the devotion and love we learn that He has for us first! We must be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds (Heb. 12) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22). We do forget…and we are surprised that we feel angry or sad or confused. We need to do whatever it takes to be redirected to His love, His forgiveness, and His Word all day long, for no reason other than we need it. I think of Daniel and how he remained strong by seeking the Lord three times a day. Did he do this because the law required it? I don’t think so! Maybe he did it because he knew of his constant need for redirection.
Not because we have to, not because anyone is watching, not for any reason other than we want more of Him and less of us, let’s make altars in our daily schedules…moments where we escape the world and run into His arms, and be redirected into His love. Maybe it’s a CD ready in the CD player to move your heart to Him while you clean up breakfast, then the Bible open on the lunch table where you can meditate on just one scripture, or during the kids’ naps come to Him first before you move on to other tasks. As a mom, I feel like my time with God is so different than it used to be and it’s been really hard to focus on Him even when I do find the time to spend with Him, but there are ways to work that out and we must continue to do so. These resources (CDs, books, teachings online) that I’ve mentioned are some of the things helping me to come out of the world and into His sanctuary throughout the day.
Lastly, it has been good to be out of so called “leadership” for the past couple of years, because I have learned a valuable truth about it. Christian leaders have 2 jobs: stay intimately and personally growing with Jesus as their #1 priority in life, and secondly, redirect people’s eyes, ears, and hearts to Jesus Christ. Leaders don’t need to seek to change anyone or tell anyone what to do or even what to believe, they just need to redirect people to Him and He will take care of the rest. When we are constantly being redirected back to the Lord and His peace, we will become redirectors ourselves.