here’s to the first half of my forties 🎉

My 40’s have been the very beginning of growing up. Is that just my own slowness or do other people feel the same? I’ll be 46 on March 5th…so this is an inventory of what I have finally understood or experienced in this first half of my 4th decade of life! 

1. I grieved not just for others’ pain, but for the first time, for myself. My losses, my failures, things that make me sad, parts of my life that will never be or things that happened that I wish hadn’t were brought up and worked through. I really had never experienced grief before, and when I got the hang of it, stuff came out of my inner woodwork to be dealt with! And I’m glad. This is what it means to be human…and the morning does come. 
   
2. I see all I really don’t know and I accept it. I don’t feel compelled to know what I can’t know about God, life, and the paradoxes all around me. I am truly learning to let God be God. 
   
3. When I think about how we become what we behold, I’m excited that I am becoming more like Jesus (by His grace we ALL will do this as we are in His presence and the Word), but I’m not excited about that for what others will think of me. I’m only excited about what others will think of Him and prayerful that they will think of Him a LOT!
   
4. I am accepting that I am not here to make people happy. It gets awkward but really, the truth is everyone in my life is responsible for their own feelings, even if they try to make me feel responsible for the origin or the outcome of their issue. I’m not getting involved like I used to. God has specific assignments for me and I can separate from those situations which are not mine from Him. 
   
5. Each day can be different and not as routine as I thought it should be in order to be effective and productive, and I’m enjoying life more-which is not something I thought was very important! Wonderful change! I think God is really overjoyed about this!
   
6. Now that I know I’m not supposed to make everyone happy and keep the world spinning and make sure everybody does what I think they should, my mind and heart are light. I haven’t been a lighthearted person in probably 20 years, but I am now. Something happened in my heart. I was just like “look, that’s not mine. By His grace i will work hard at what is mine, but SOOOO much of this is NOT. He and other people can step up to that plate. Mine is full until He says otherwise.” And that includes how my kids turn out and how people I love take care of their bodies and whether or not kids are adopted. I can only do what HE has given ME to do, and do it well. Striving for more is OUT. I have nothing to prove and I’m done ✅ 
   
7. Not everyone is going to love me. That’s ok. Not everyone is my absolute favorite either. Although, I sure do have a lot of favorites! There are so many wonderful people in my life!!!!
   
8. It’s okay for me to disagree with people on major issues. I had to learn this through the past 2 presidential races and still didn’t quite get it, but since the dissension never really will let up, I have come to the place where I may not understand how or why a person believes the way they do, but I respect them enough to say that their opinion and viewpoint is absolutely as valid as mine. I must do what I believe is right by faith – which means I acknowledge I could be wrong, but I’m doing my best with what information I have. Plus, I admit I’m still forming a lot of my opinions and I hope I always will be learning not just spouting my thoughts!
   
9. I don’t care what I accomplish anymore. My life is more like a series of conversations, prayers, experiences, opportunities…what really matters is just today and who He leads me to spend time with. When I don’t see how He’s working or when I don’t even feel like trying, I’m reminded that love never fails and if I just listen and show people they are loved, what a sweet success that day has been. 
   
10. Through the mid-life grief process I have let go of “what it looks like.” Bodies. Dreams. Even ministry, family, knowing God, knowing self, and friendships. It is what it is! I’ve spent so much of my life (since about 21 years old) living out my Enneagram 1 “Principled Reformer” angst and turmoil, always trying to make everything and even everyone (and definitely myself) BETTER. I was chasing after feeling like I could say I did my absolute 110% best, never letting go of my responsibility to excellence and service and expecting to see an outcome from it…but…there is no promised outcome except that God is with us and Heaven is waiting! And that’s enough for me because I see in my 40s that I made life a lot about me, thinking I was making it about God. Now I leave it up to Him if or how He chooses to work through my life.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Here’s to my last 4 years in my 40’s! Praise the Lord!