I love to plan and set rhythms.
I love to know how I will start and end my day.
I love to start new Bible Study workbooks.
I love to be alone and I also love to gather others in just about anything I get into doing, be it exercise or selling handmade items for women in third world countries.
I love to save money, give money, and use money for traveling.
I love a good health goal and I don’t mind committing to hard things.
But sometimes, I’m not sure if you can relate or not, wink-wink, my spouse doesn’t get as excited about certain things as I do. (What?? I know!!) And the reality is, I don’t get as excited as HIM about certain things either, so we are probably pretty even.
That can feel like a bummer…even worse, it can really make a person feel like they aren’t on the same team with their spouse. They can feel resentful or like there is no hope of things ever changing.
Sometimes it is the actual disagreement of values that make you feel not-so-synced, but sometimes it isn’t that at all. Sometimes it is more the lack of communication or the lack of knowing how to communicate or…maybe…a wrong heart attitude.
So, the Lord and I were talking about this yesterday.
Very clearly, I felt like God was shifting my heart to see something new: I, wife of 21 years, Christian of 31 years, have some entitlement issues.
How many times have I started caring deeply about something and then inadvertently made someone else, most usually my husband, feel “less” for not jumping on board? Just because I want to save for a trip to such and such, or I want to do this eating plan together, God may or may not want to give me that or have me do that…and do I blame God? Not usually. Usually, I blame my husband and maybe…maybe…he blames me in times the roles are reversed. It is in a vague way, probably a super vague way, maybe even unknown to us, but still…
So God gave me some checklist questions to help my heart…and maybe other husbands and wives out there, too.
- Have I prayed about this hope/dream/plan/idea before bringing it to them?
- Have I determined whether this is a want or a need? Once I have done that, am I willing to present this humbly and honestly as such, rather than acting like those wants are truly needs?
- Am I able to share, but not expect? Is the outcome surrendered to God, knowing HE is the giver of all good things?
- Am I aware of who has to actually DO the WORK of making this idea happen? Am I keeping that in mind as I bring it up? Is it a fair request when you imagine being in their shoes?
- Am I willing to listen to questions, feedback, and alternatives, keeping a good attitude?
My Bible reading today (besides my morning listening to my favorite Read The Bible In One Year podcast, at mjblack.com) was Colossians 3.
As I read Colossians 3, I was amazed at how it spoke into this conversation I had with God about my spirit of entitlement…
I hope you’ll grab a Bible and read it for yourself, but here were some highlights that struck me about the heart attitude I need when I look at my future shared with another person:
-Desire what is above, not what is on earth
-Embrace your new nature
-Be thankful
-Wives, submit to your husband
-Husbands, love your wives
-Fear God
-Whatever you do, do it for the Lord
Whether it is a super serious, even a life or death thing, that you are asking your spouse to move toward with you, or just a small thing like keeping a calendar synced a certain way or budgeting–our heart attitudes, commitment to prayer, and applying Scripture to our problems and desires matters.
Since we are called to peace, and since we are to set our minds on what is excellent, even in hard times, even when genuine needs are unmet, even when one of us on the team is not “pulling our weight” in some way, even then: We can focus on something we are doing well together, something he or she is giving effort and attention to, something for which we can show gratitude and respect.
I’m excited to see how the truth can set me free in this area…What about you? What is hard for you about this? Where are you in this process?
