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Sorting Out the Screens Issue

Before I get started on this today, let me just remind you – I’m no expert. I’m no influencer. I haven’t researched this topic. I’m just living my little life. And on the topic of phones, I’m feeling like I have to brainstorm or process or something…anyone with me?

I walk into the room and my 15 year old has the “kids” phone (which does not have a search engine, only has approved contacts, has no social media except her own YouTube channel, and time limits on every app) in her hands…just like she did about an hour ago when I walked through that room.

My 13 year old is staring at her MP3 player which does nothing but play music, the DuoLingo app, math games, and screensavers galore to change her Home Screen every few minutes. Those are probably not called screensavers anymore. Oh, well.

I carry my phone around if anyone in my household isn’t home, because I have forgotten my children’s pick up times before and am petrified I will do it again. Lately, I also carry it around because I’m wanting some credit for taking steps. (What a weird time we live in!) Even if I go days or weeks without using Facebook or Instagram, my two social media outlets of choice, to share stuff and keep up with people, I still feel like the amount of genuine work and ministry I do from my phone is a large portion of my day. So, at any point, I may have my head down into my phone, too. I may pull it out in every line I wait in. I may even pull it out at a red light. Right in front of my kids.

This is not good.

I don’t want myself or my family to be like this.

Here’s the way I want to think – Three main categories of change here:

  1. Instead of battling what I don’t like or want to see my family doing with screens (and I’m not talking about anything bad or immoral, I’m just talking about sheer time on it or it being an immediate remedy for boredom), I want to increase our passion for other things, other ways of communication, and more connection. I want to shine some light on hobbies, face-to-face interaction, nature, exercise…
  2. We need to unapologetically set and keep boundaries around screen time, be it the TV, a phone or MP3 player, a computer, or a gaming station.
  3. If we are going to have screens, I want to see them put to good use.

This is nothing new. Maybe we have done this well before and forgot about it; maybe life got busy and we don’t want to make changes because then, as adults, we would have to make changes, too. But here are some things I want to consider trying and I would love your ideas to be added in the comments, please!

For #1 –

Especially in the summer and weekends – Ask kids and teens: “What are four things you want to accomplish each day (that don’t require a screen unless it is studying for a driver’s test or something else that can only be done online-many of these ideas would utilize YouTube, see #3)?” If they can’t come up with anything, some ideas are art projects, chores, planting/gardening, earning money, extra instrument practice, learning a new skill, walking to a certain point in the neighborhood, reading their Bible, competing with pushups and sit-ups, even having lunch outside every day they can! We can print out free calendar pages and help them get organized with what they want to learn or do personally,

Also, we can ask them: “What are some things you would like to do as a family or with friends this weekend/summer?” Are these recurring or “just once” type of things? See what you can put on your calendar to create things to look forward to together. We have a big family, so it takes a long time to get everyone’s wishes granted…but having things on the calendar to do together helps keep boredom away. I think this is because my family actually does enjoy down time and being home, and will make the most of those days if they know we will be busy other days. Ah, finding balance…one of my favorite words!

In our family, we don’t have a lot of traditions or weekly rituals, but on Sunday mornings we go to church, then have dinner at 6pm together, then watch an episode of the Chosen and open up our Bibles to talk and pray together. Just a couple “sticking points” in the week are wonderful. Right now, this is our main one, but I would like to have just a bit more.

For #2 –

We already have a firm rule of 2 hours of screen time a day. That is easy to follow in regard to “computer/PlayStation time” and “tv time” but it is getting more and more tricky in regard to the “kids” phone, which is mainly for when someone goes to an event and needs a phone with them, and the MP3 player. Obviously, my college student is doing her own thing; it’s my high schooler and middle schooler we are still doing this with and I plan to until they graduate! (That doesn’t mean they won’t have their own phone when they are driving and 16; it just means we still plan to have at least some limits on everything on that phone until they graduate.)

One way to help with the “kids” phone is that each app has a time limit on it internally, set by my husband, Jack. Also, the MP3 player and phone lock at a certain time each evening, as well as charge in our room beginning at 9:30pm.

We have a strict no phones and computers in bedrooms policy. Even when friends come over, I ask them to keep their iPads or phones out of the bedrooms and basically just in their backpack until they need to talk to parents. Sometimes this works out okay, sometimes it is super awkward, but y’all we have been through some THINGS. Have you? Do you know what I mean? Also, anytime computers (homework, YouTube, anything) are being used, they sit somewhere with the screen open to the room and anyone walking by.

I have heard of great filters like Bark that can seek out key words in texts on kids and teens phones. I recently heard, and have experienced, that the greatest danger to mental health right now for girls is being on group chats with other girls. Homeschool moms, I’m talking to you, too. I’m sorry, but it’s true, and it’s worth saying!

I’ve also heard of some parents having their kids fill out their “stuff they have to do first” form before getting to use a phone or any device that day; that would include a certain amount of time doing chores, exercising, reading, being outside, walking the dog, eating, whatever they need a little motivation to get done to have a good day! I like that and if we are ever home long enough to need this, we will do it!

Now, limits for us adults…

Should we just use regular alarm clocks and keep our phones across the room?

If our family is home, maybe we can set our phones on the charger in another room and just have family time without the distraction of “oh I can look that up because it just crossed my mind, but oh also, I forgot you were sitting here trying to spend time with me!”

I have had seasons where I made “office time” with my phone, and didn’t check email or texts until those times of day. I especially did this when homeschooling because all my kids were home and couldn’t possibly be calling or texting me in need! Now this is a little trickier but I can at least have self control to not open messages until set office times.

I join the cry I am hearing around me: “It was not meant to be this way! I was not meant to be accessible every minute of my life!” We used to leave our phone connected to the wall all day, every day. We used to sit down at a computer once for the night or if we worked at a computer all day, we certainly didn’t want to see it when we got home. We are overstimulated…but low on joy, communication, shared interests and feelings, and purpose, when we are existing in this constant-interaction-online life. We can put limits on our apps, too, and we can go old-school on some things anytime we want, like pedometers instead of watches and phones, or CD players, or cookbooks, or paper calendars, or greeting cards. (I know, I’m talking crazy.) 🙂

But really, are there changes we would want to truly make to not just give in to this?

For #3 –

Yes, so definitely there are ways to redeem these screens! Praise God! Here are some great uses for the screens if we can direct ourselves and our kids to them…

The Bible app has great devotion plans and the Bible can be read aloud.

YouTube, with a filter on your Internet, can be used for SO MANY neat hobbies and skills like crocheting, painting, guitar, singing, memorizing scripture, amazing videos about nature and space, dancing, building Legos, and learning a new language. If my girls are learning something, I don’t usually count this as screen time for them.

The Dwell app and Pause app are both great for meditating on what is good, calming down, and enjoying life for those of us (or our kids) who need reminders to do this!

I am enriched by podcasts such as Katherine Wolf and Jess Connelly; I am thankful for praise music on Apple Music or wherever. It’s great to be able to share prayer needs and encourage one another. But even this can be too much. God has given us a certain territory. I got off Facebook for months and months because I knew the perimeters of praying and serving God had put on my life, and I had no more margin to care and feel for anything else.

Right Now Media is the “Netflix” of Bible Studies and great videos for all ages.

VidAngel Is just about the best invention ever. For $10 a month, it filters all the garbage out of your Amazon Prime or Netflix (and other streaming) TV/Movies. I don’t watch TV without it.

I’m sure you all have more ideas and I would love to hear them. This blog post might seem ridiculous to you – but I find myself floating on this river of life, where all my people are also floating and kind of hanging onto each other like in the Lazy River where you grab each other’s feet to stay close…Am I leading well if I just let this river take over? Are we learning to truly work, serve, play, and rest well with so much attention, time, and activities done with screens?

It’s worth sitting on the bank for a bit, to pray, think, and decide, rather than just let the current have its way.

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When Parenting is a Fog

I still have days when parenting is a fog, even though my kids are older and don’t need me as much.

In fact, it happened a couple weeks ago on vacation when I had to remember that TBRI takes no holidays!!! But I will say, as kids get older, it gets a little easier in at least a couple ways.

One of those ways is they are not with us every minute, so we have time to gather our thoughts, pray, and prepare for whatever problems that particular season is bringing. We also have more time for self care, which helps so much.

But either way, whether we have little kids all around us or we have teens who bring bigger issues, just less frequently, here are two foundations that we can come back to when we just can’t see straight anymore.

We have to depend on miracles from God. We have dedicated our kids to the Lord at some point and when we did that, didn’t we feel a sense of humility, like “there is no way I can raise this child perfectly, and I am so glad I have the Lord’s power to do what I can’t?” We must continue in this! As Paul says in Galatians 3:3, “Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” This means to me that I need to back off from the self-imposed pressure of thinking that “I” have to be perfect and know everything to do in order to raise children’s God’s way. We must pray and believe that He is willing to give us, and them, what is needed. We can model dependence on God, gratitude, and intercessory prayer by stopping and praying with our kids anytime we are in the fog.

Second, we can identify one major issue the child is struggling with and make a plan. Try to make sure both parents understand and are willing to try their best to follow through on the steps. As unemotionally as possible, and when everyone is in a decent mood, we need to have discussions with our kids on how to handle big feelings such as the powerless feeling that comes from being told “no” or the jealousy that comes from an older sibling staying up later. It’s important for both the parents and the children to know that big feelings are okay and allowed; the issue is how we handle and share those feelings.

The real goal here is to try to get to the feeling they are experiencing that causes the behavior, and then train them in a new way to get their needs and wants met.

Here is an example: Depending on the age of the child, we might say something like: “The first time you tell me ‘no’ when I say to do something, I will give you a choice. I will say: You may have a re-do and simply say ‘okay’ this time and obey, or you may calmly ask a question or share your feelings. My answer might not change, but I will listen to you.”

So, the plan for the parent is to encourage a re-do or a respectful conversation instead of a defiant “no”. We may want to focus primarily on how the child acts in these situations, but a way out of the fog is to realize how the child acts is simply not in our control. Only what we are going to say and do is in our control! So we focus on what we are going to do, and let the child decide what they are going to do. One way they choose leads to getting right back to our previously scheduled programming 🙂 and one way leads to consequences that should be sculpted to hopefully only bother the child’s life, not the parent’s.

As the parent, we are training and connecting, rather than punishing. However, if there is unwillingness to do re-dos or try again respectfully, that’s the next part of the plan: the consequences. I think kids needs to know exactly what will happen if they aren’t willing to train toward and practice toward the right way to handle their feelings.

So, on our vacation, I was surprised to have to deal with problems, but bam! There they were! I first fumbled around quite a lot, just being angry and feeling like I had no control over the situation. I forgot for a minute that parenting really isn’t forcing, it’s training. It’s also not cajoling or making it all about the children, either. It’s being prepared to remember my plan of action, rather than expect them to always remember their’s. It’s standing firm in my role before God as steward and caretaker of these lives, and part of that job is training them in the values that God lays on our hearts through His Word and His vision for our families.

I had to ask forgiveness of one child for my anger. And I started praying a lot more, knowing any real heart change would be in God’s hands. And I made a plan on two pieces of paper which I shared with the two children who were struggling with attitudes and behaviors the most. One page said, “These are the steps we take when we are hurt or angry. I expect you to practice these steps with me anytime you start to feel this way.” The next page said, “These are the consequences if you are unwilling to take those steps with me.” Everywhere we went for the rest of the vacation, I had those two pieces of paper with me, so that I remembered the plan and so that I was ready to pull it out if they needed it. This kept me very calm for two reasons. One, I was expecting a problem rather than being blindsided by it. Two, I knew exactly what I was going to say and do if the problem did occur.

Things got better, through prayer and a plan, and I know the kids felt better as soon as I took these steps in the middle of the fog, too.