Satan’s favorite mantra in my head lately is: “You can’t do this much longer.” (Ugh! Isn’t he awful??)
But maybe he’s just a little bit right, as he usually is. Just a little bit right, like bait on a hook.
I certainly can’t do life much longer like this.
I have been so desperate lately. I’m overwhelmed by the mental and emotional fatigue of my life, of the past twenty years really. Maybe you are, too. I certainly don’t have the hardest life around. But the relationship struggles, church “stuff”, adoption journeys, illnesses, homeschooling, commitments outside my home, and four children’s needs have affected me through and through. I do believe most of these things have been specific obedience to the Lord and not just random ministry–but somehow I feel like I just don’t have the stamina to keep up with it all, to do it all. Sure, I am supposed to serve with the strength God provides, but how do I know when that strength is going to be sapped all of a sudden in the middle of a commitment? It’s not easy or clear. I have learned to rely on the Lord, yet sometimes I wonder if it was really just me pushing through like I have learned for so many years to do. Just real thoughts from my soul here, friends.
Today as I was reading the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen (get this book!) God gave me one sentence to cling to…one ray of hope and understanding and vision. Spiritual Alzheimer’s be darned, I must remember this:
I am free to stop performing and just love.
Okay, how does this change my life? What’s the big deal? How does that solve fatigue in my soul?
Just this: I am called to love people, not perform for them.
In every capacity– Mom, Wife, Teacher, Friend, Co-laborer of the Gospel, Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Child of God–I smile when I think of how to love the people I am in relationship with, but I cringe when I think I need to please them, make them think I’m great, maintain a reputation, make a good impression, keep them from criticizing me, judging me, or talking badly about me. That’s making relationships a performance where we’re not allowed to mess up. It’s a prison, and it’s awful. But God wants to give us the confidence to acknowledge that we will not be perfect for these people nor do we need to be, and to play an entirely different role in their lives, as well as know deep down that we don’t need those people to always be happy with us. God wants to set us free to receive correction if needed, to be brave to handle conflicts that may arise from each others’ imperfections, and to forgive and be forgiven, not live in fear of these interactions. We are allowed to mess up, because life is not a performance.
So here’s the opposite of that performance driven life: Love.
Love means I’m not saying or doing things based on how I hope you’ll respond or think of me.
Love means I give what God leads me to give in our relationship, not what I think you expect from me, and not to get anything in return.
Love means I’m thinking of you and your soul right now, not myself, my inadequacy, my awkwardness.
Love means I care about you, but I choose to not worry about you and your choices, because it is your life and I have my own to lead.
We are called to live a life of love (Ephesians 5:2) not a life of collecting friends, attempting to control responses of others, and have nice things said about us. I really don’t have time or emotional space to keep searching for the affect of my love…only to live with a vague guilt about everything I’ve said and wondering constantly how I’m measuring up.
I am free to stop performing in this life, and just love, unaware of who is watching.
