I still have days when parenting is a fog, even though my kids are older and don’t need me as much.
In fact, it happened a couple weeks ago on vacation when I had to remember that TBRI takes no holidays!!! But I will say, as kids get older, it gets a little easier in at least a couple ways.
One of those ways is they are not with us every minute, so we have time to gather our thoughts, pray, and prepare for whatever problems that particular season is bringing. We also have more time for self care, which helps so much.
But either way, whether we have little kids all around us or we have teens who bring bigger issues, just less frequently, here are two foundations that we can come back to when we just can’t see straight anymore.
We have to depend on miracles from God. We have dedicated our kids to the Lord at some point and when we did that, didn’t we feel a sense of humility, like “there is no way I can raise this child perfectly, and I am so glad I have the Lord’s power to do what I can’t?” We must continue in this! As Paul says in Galatians 3:3, “Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” This means to me that I need to back off from the self-imposed pressure of thinking that “I” have to be perfect and know everything to do in order to raise children’s God’s way. We must pray and believe that He is willing to give us, and them, what is needed. We can model dependence on God, gratitude, and intercessory prayer by stopping and praying with our kids anytime we are in the fog.
Second, we can identify one major issue the child is struggling with and make a plan. Try to make sure both parents understand and are willing to try their best to follow through on the steps. As unemotionally as possible, and when everyone is in a decent mood, we need to have discussions with our kids on how to handle big feelings such as the powerless feeling that comes from being told “no” or the jealousy that comes from an older sibling staying up later. It’s important for both the parents and the children to know that big feelings are okay and allowed; the issue is how we handle and share those feelings.
The real goal here is to try to get to the feeling they are experiencing that causes the behavior, and then train them in a new way to get their needs and wants met.
Here is an example: Depending on the age of the child, we might say something like: “The first time you tell me ‘no’ when I say to do something, I will give you a choice. I will say: You may have a re-do and simply say ‘okay’ this time and obey, or you may calmly ask a question or share your feelings. My answer might not change, but I will listen to you.”
So, the plan for the parent is to encourage a re-do or a respectful conversation instead of a defiant “no”. We may want to focus primarily on how the child acts in these situations, but a way out of the fog is to realize how the child acts is simply not in our control. Only what we are going to say and do is in our control! So we focus on what we are going to do, and let the child decide what they are going to do. One way they choose leads to getting right back to our previously scheduled programming 🙂 and one way leads to consequences that should be sculpted to hopefully only bother the child’s life, not the parent’s.
As the parent, we are training and connecting, rather than punishing. However, if there is unwillingness to do re-dos or try again respectfully, that’s the next part of the plan: the consequences. I think kids needs to know exactly what will happen if they aren’t willing to train toward and practice toward the right way to handle their feelings.
So, on our vacation, I was surprised to have to deal with problems, but bam! There they were! I first fumbled around quite a lot, just being angry and feeling like I had no control over the situation. I forgot for a minute that parenting really isn’t forcing, it’s training. It’s also not cajoling or making it all about the children, either. It’s being prepared to remember my plan of action, rather than expect them to always remember their’s. It’s standing firm in my role before God as steward and caretaker of these lives, and part of that job is training them in the values that God lays on our hearts through His Word and His vision for our families.
I had to ask forgiveness of one child for my anger. And I started praying a lot more, knowing any real heart change would be in God’s hands. And I made a plan on two pieces of paper which I shared with the two children who were struggling with attitudes and behaviors the most. One page said, “These are the steps we take when we are hurt or angry. I expect you to practice these steps with me anytime you start to feel this way.” The next page said, “These are the consequences if you are unwilling to take those steps with me.” Everywhere we went for the rest of the vacation, I had those two pieces of paper with me, so that I remembered the plan and so that I was ready to pull it out if they needed it. This kept me very calm for two reasons. One, I was expecting a problem rather than being blindsided by it. Two, I knew exactly what I was going to say and do if the problem did occur.
Things got better, through prayer and a plan, and I know the kids felt better as soon as I took these steps in the middle of the fog, too.
