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Parenting Drama

Just a few thoughts today about parenting. I may be feeling a little extra today, just warning! 🤪

As I have shared before, it’s utterly ridiculous that I have written a book on parenting—therefore I do not claim that I have! My claim is that I have written a book on connection, teaching emotional intelligence, compassion for the growing brain, and all from the vantage point of a mom who has messed up in all of the above…enough to write a whole training manual on it!

I don’t mean to be dramatic but sometimes…y’all. Sometimes I really don’t know what my next step needs to be as a mom and if I am getting it all wrong, just fundamentally wrong! Sometimes I need a week to decide how to respond to something my kids have done because I do care how they feel and I do care if they will carry my voice in their head (in a negative way) yet at the same time my husband and I do have to be responsible and respond.

This week, I had the luxury of two days to figure out how to respond to this:

My almost 12 and almost 13 year old daughters, who aren’t allowed to eat in their room, had hidden 2 dishes with food still on them in their closet shelves which are full of toys, games, etc. This particular problem was new, but the heart behind it was not…laziness, hiding things, being sneaky, and disregard for rules, (let alone mice and roaches).

I was really thankful they had just left for two days when I found the dishes and food, because having to deal with things like this tends to feel like it sets us back in our attachment. I’m just being honest. Anyone else out there feel this?

In the time I had, this is what came to mind:

Some people in my life tell me, “Oh, they’re just kids. Don’t be too hard on them” (for things like having to be told multiple times to check their chore chart, hiding junk under their bed and saying they cleaned, or making excuses for not staying with their sibling at a public event when explicitly told to). But then sometimes those same people say, “Gotta let those kids start to do more adult things” (like stay home alone, have computer/tv time without adult supervision, or walk around with friends at a ballgame) “and it’s good for them to have opportunities to sink or swim.”

And I agree with both. But you know what? I’m feeling like there is too much of both and not enough of a third option, a third option that would actually put the weight of responsibility on the right party: the kids who are longing to do adult things but won’t/can’t even follow simple cleaning instructions or won’t/can’t meet you at a certain time to get back together at an event.

I’m honestly just kind of tired of it. Jesus, take the wheel! I want to stop giving privileges to my kids if they haven’t gotten the basics yet. That’s coming from a negative space because I’m tired and just being brutally honest, but this morning, after 2 days away from them, I was (by God’s amazing grace) actually able to approach it from a positive space!! I told them I wasn’t going to punish them and I wasn’t even mad, but that because of what I found (and actually shared 3 or 4 other small instances that were all adding up to the same ending), I needed them to know that these are things that make me see I need to be more involved in checking in and checking up on everything I ask them to do. I shared with them my vision of how I felt things could be if they would be more mindful of their choices and more trustworthy. I told them that how much I check in and check up and verify the truth was going to be based on what kind of behavior I see, and if that felt like I was treating them too childishly then they need to up their game!

I told them that this is how I am going to know what more mature responsibilities and opportunities they could have. Why why why would I give a young teen a phone or a debit card or even necessarily believe them when they have a conflict with someone if we are still dealing with library books shoved under furniture?

The time between being a kid and being an adult is hard. It needs a lot of grace and training. I told the girls that they are showing me they need lots of grace and training, and that honestly, this is okay…but I guess where I am heading with all this is that they need to correlate this “grace and training” to a ramp toward getting those privileges they long for. They can be frustrated all they want but we can’t jump to D and E if we haven’t nailed A,B, and C. I guess we just needed to clarify where we are. And they needed to know they get to have a lot of say in that location; they can move us into territory anytime now!

Where are you in all this? Do you feel sometimes like the kids dictate how things go in your house? Do you re-do things for your kids? Do they get privileges while at the same time you are having to ask them to get up and finish something they started? Who is the one actually suffering from the consequences of their choices? Just some good things to consider…I’m sure considering them over here!

I’m praying that through grace, training, and consistency— always connection over correction, but still, correction!— they will see the equation that hard work and honesty pay off, and there is not going to be a consolation prize or a participation trophy in life, jobs, relationships, and character. We have to put in the time to make a home, education, extracurricular, health, and relationships work well, all of us, adults and kids!

With lots of forgiveness and communication, we can do it…and hopefully they will, too ❤️

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Seasons Change

I am thankful seasons change. We in Kentucky always say that if you don’t like the weather, wait a day, because it’ll change. I love that. I also love that in Kentucky, you get a “true” spring, summer, fall, and winter (even if you do feel all in one day sometimes!)

And I’m thankful the other kind of seasons change, too.

I remember when I lived 25 minutes from “town” and was homeschooling four daughters- the younger two who were learning English, the older two who would have liked to have been involved in more community than we could work out. I remember every half hour of the day being booked in a puzzle of a schedule so that I could meet with my “students” for big group, small group, and individual time. That was a sweet few years, but I am truly grateful the season changed.

Now my oldest two are 8th grade (public school, loving color guard and choir) and 12th grade (still home schooled but doing senior year at ECTC, our community college that offers dual credit classes for 1/3 of the price of college)! I spend a lot of time driving these young ladies out of town for activities (and even campus visits!), and our oldest can drive now, too! Game changer.

My youngest two are in elementary school and they are thriving with the extra reading teachers, the opportunities to run for leadership in clubs, and just enjoying friends and sweet teachers.

The season has changed.

I only work two days a week as a private music lessons instructor, which I LOVE. I am constantly training and encouraging my students of all ages to reach in and pull out their best voice, their best effort, and it is so rewarding to see them apply these tools I have spent my life gathering!

BUT…along with the theme of a new season…I am feeling like I get to go back to my original thought of what I would do with my life.

I got my Bachelor’s degree from Campbellsville University (Go, Tigers!) in 1999. It was in Christian Social Ministries with a minor in Music, specialization in Voice. I loved every minute! (Ok, not the Bio class. That professor was wacko!) I have certainly used everything I learned on a daily basis in relationships, parenting, church planting, and missions; but other than the music part of my degree, I have never had any kind of social work/ministry as my profession even though that was my major.

SO, I don’t know what it’s going to look like or how much time I will even have to dedicate to it, but I am studying, praying, and beginning to serve in a volunteer capacity in the social services realm as well as look into Marriage and Family Therapy school/training. It would be a long long road for as slow as I would need to go, but I would be finished Lord-willing by the time my youngest are in high school, and could increase my work hours (again, Lord-willing) as they all go off to college.

This is a season of –

no longer homeschooling

preparing my oldest for college in all the ways

being present with my kids, their activities, their friends

sleeping in some days, on a weekday!!!!

having some alone time daily

volunteering somewhere completely different than where my kids need me to serve

getting to learn something completely different than what my kids need me to learn

It is not a “relief”, because I loved what I was doing. But oh how the Lord knew how much I needed to get back to some of the things that make me me.

It’s sweet to let the Lord change the season. It’s sweet to know He will do it in His time.

Are you in a season you are afraid He will change too quickly?

Are you in a season you are afraid He won’t change soon enough?

We never know how long something will last, but we do know there will always be sorrow and joy intermixed. We do know there will always be change, as well.

Let us live with open hands.

God really does know what we need and no season is wasted if we walk with Him through it. It may seem the roundabout way but as we all know, life (and God’s plan), isn’t about the destination or He would streamline this process!

We are always telling youth and kids that God knows the plan for their lives. We are probably talking about that next ten years as they make the most important decisions of their lives! But we can trust that truth extends on and on into our 80’s and 90’s and beyond. God will never be done conforming us to the image of His Son, blessing us with His Fatherly care, using every inch of the beautiful creation He made us individually to be, and letting our lives be a reflection of Him to others in a million different places and ways.

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When Parenting is a Fog

I still have days when parenting is a fog, even though my kids are older and don’t need me as much.

In fact, it happened a couple weeks ago on vacation when I had to remember that TBRI takes no holidays!!! But I will say, as kids get older, it gets a little easier in at least a couple ways.

One of those ways is they are not with us every minute, so we have time to gather our thoughts, pray, and prepare for whatever problems that particular season is bringing. We also have more time for self care, which helps so much.

But either way, whether we have little kids all around us or we have teens who bring bigger issues, just less frequently, here are two foundations that we can come back to when we just can’t see straight anymore.

We have to depend on miracles from God. We have dedicated our kids to the Lord at some point and when we did that, didn’t we feel a sense of humility, like “there is no way I can raise this child perfectly, and I am so glad I have the Lord’s power to do what I can’t?” We must continue in this! As Paul says in Galatians 3:3, “Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” This means to me that I need to back off from the self-imposed pressure of thinking that “I” have to be perfect and know everything to do in order to raise children’s God’s way. We must pray and believe that He is willing to give us, and them, what is needed. We can model dependence on God, gratitude, and intercessory prayer by stopping and praying with our kids anytime we are in the fog.

Second, we can identify one major issue the child is struggling with and make a plan. Try to make sure both parents understand and are willing to try their best to follow through on the steps. As unemotionally as possible, and when everyone is in a decent mood, we need to have discussions with our kids on how to handle big feelings such as the powerless feeling that comes from being told “no” or the jealousy that comes from an older sibling staying up later. It’s important for both the parents and the children to know that big feelings are okay and allowed; the issue is how we handle and share those feelings.

The real goal here is to try to get to the feeling they are experiencing that causes the behavior, and then train them in a new way to get their needs and wants met.

Here is an example: Depending on the age of the child, we might say something like: “The first time you tell me ‘no’ when I say to do something, I will give you a choice. I will say: You may have a re-do and simply say ‘okay’ this time and obey, or you may calmly ask a question or share your feelings. My answer might not change, but I will listen to you.”

So, the plan for the parent is to encourage a re-do or a respectful conversation instead of a defiant “no”. We may want to focus primarily on how the child acts in these situations, but a way out of the fog is to realize how the child acts is simply not in our control. Only what we are going to say and do is in our control! So we focus on what we are going to do, and let the child decide what they are going to do. One way they choose leads to getting right back to our previously scheduled programming 🙂 and one way leads to consequences that should be sculpted to hopefully only bother the child’s life, not the parent’s.

As the parent, we are training and connecting, rather than punishing. However, if there is unwillingness to do re-dos or try again respectfully, that’s the next part of the plan: the consequences. I think kids needs to know exactly what will happen if they aren’t willing to train toward and practice toward the right way to handle their feelings.

So, on our vacation, I was surprised to have to deal with problems, but bam! There they were! I first fumbled around quite a lot, just being angry and feeling like I had no control over the situation. I forgot for a minute that parenting really isn’t forcing, it’s training. It’s also not cajoling or making it all about the children, either. It’s being prepared to remember my plan of action, rather than expect them to always remember their’s. It’s standing firm in my role before God as steward and caretaker of these lives, and part of that job is training them in the values that God lays on our hearts through His Word and His vision for our families.

I had to ask forgiveness of one child for my anger. And I started praying a lot more, knowing any real heart change would be in God’s hands. And I made a plan on two pieces of paper which I shared with the two children who were struggling with attitudes and behaviors the most. One page said, “These are the steps we take when we are hurt or angry. I expect you to practice these steps with me anytime you start to feel this way.” The next page said, “These are the consequences if you are unwilling to take those steps with me.” Everywhere we went for the rest of the vacation, I had those two pieces of paper with me, so that I remembered the plan and so that I was ready to pull it out if they needed it. This kept me very calm for two reasons. One, I was expecting a problem rather than being blindsided by it. Two, I knew exactly what I was going to say and do if the problem did occur.

Things got better, through prayer and a plan, and I know the kids felt better as soon as I took these steps in the middle of the fog, too.

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Loose Hands//Tight Throat

I mean, it is just a normal, busy Tuesday. It’s not like it’s Graduation Day, or the day to move my oldest daughter, who just turned 15 this summer, into college. It’s just a Tuesday in the beginning to middle of her Sophomore year. No big deal. But for months, I have the tight throat.

You know…when all of a sudden, you see before your eyes the years in the making of a girl who is not far from spreading those wings. You see that fervor and that drive in her eyes. You see only so many more sleepy Saturday mornings or summer vacations together. You see she finally sees a life beyond this life and a home beyond this home, and you’re happy–I mean, you truly are happy–but you also feel the tears constrict the throat and that means one thing.

It means the hands are going to have to loosen. On a Tuesday, I practice. I practice now, perhaps my suffering will be decreased to the tiniest degree if I practice now? Before the Graduation, before the college move-in day, before we turn around and leave without her in the car…before the white gown and the life she forms entirely of her (and God’s) own desire and plan.

Ouch! It hurts.

First dates. First jobs. It’s happening.

The child that has pulled my hair and sang me songs and made me laugh. That child. That one that I knew was never mine, but it sure has felt like she was.

Tight throat, loose hands. I will be brave. Won’t fear pain. Will dive in. Will experience it all with joy. Will be thankful. Will live in the now. Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

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Safety

The word safety. It doesn’t cross my mind very often at all, honestly. I am not a worst-case scenario thinker, ever. But I didn’t realize how much the word safety mattered to me until this weekend.

No, I wasn’t physically scared. Nothing happened to my kids. At least not that I could see or hear. But in some time of prayer and studying God’s Word with other women, I was able to see just how the word safety made me feel and how I was missing it in my life, and how I wasn’t helping others around me feel it very well, either.

I have known for a while, probably since the schools didn’t open back up like they normally do in August, that I was struggling with fear and anxiety. Fear of failure, fear of difficulty beyond my ability to cope, fear of a breakdown, fear of looking irresponsible to others, fear of other people’s emotions and reactions, and fear of my own emotions and reactions were gripping me all day long. Once I could put words to it, that helped but when the Lord brought the word SAFE to my mind, I felt everything in me EXHALE.

I am safe. No matter what. Jesus and I cannot be separated. His love cannot be bound to the same earthly rules the other people and situations play by. I am not God, I am just me, and I am safe. And the other what-if’s are so lesser that they now feel irrelevant.

Then I began thinking about my kids, and their tears when they try to read and understand a paragraph as I homeschool them, but ask them to attempt something independently. Their shutting down when I, with frustration, let them know I’m disappointed that a job wasn’t remembered…again. Yes, they need to learn responsibility for school and work; but we have a lot of focus on that already. No one will ever accuse me of skipping that lesson! But was I teaching the lesson, am I teaching the lesson, that they are safe. Held. Okay. Enough. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. Always.

I’m not going to be perfect, they’re not going to be perfect. But I am safe in the love of my Father and my family, and they are safe in the love of theirs’. That is something to breathe in deeply and celebrate!

Our job is remind ourselves and remind each other…in both word and deed.

I speak safety to you, in the strong and sweet name of Jesus, who made our calling and standing in the favor and kindness of God the most solid thing we will ever ever ever ever own.

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5 Ways to Help Prevent the Dreaded Meltdown

I like this statement: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

It’s so true in so many areas of our lives, but it’s hard to think ahead, get ahead of the game, and take steps to prevent whatever problem we’re trying to avoid.

I’m learning with my little one–and let me tell you, I’ve gotten loads of opportunities in the past few months to learn and practice–how important preventative measures can be against meltdowns. And don’t get me wrong. There are things going on that preventative measures can’t always fix! But I do believe them to be very restorative and connecting, and some days that is going to have to be enough.

Here are a few things I am trying to add into my day, a mental check list if you will, of intentional steps:

1. We give hugs, back rubs, holding hands, and quick little back scratches. Even laying down and snuggling, looking into each others eyes. All of these physical touches calm the brain, bring happiness, and say without words that we love and are there for them.

2. A lot of our kids are –it’s okay if you don’t agree with this of course, or if you call it something different — under the attack of the enemy. Particularly adopted children have silent whispers in their ears of “you weren’t really wanted and you aren’t now either” and “there’s going to come a time that they won’t forgive you or love you anymore”. Our battle is not with the child when they are acting out due to these lies! Our battle is with the enemy of their souls. We are fighting for them, friends! So we PRAY God’s Word for them and over them, silently, out loud, whisper it, yell it! Before the crisis of the day happens, we pray. Then we pray through it. Then we pray after it.

3. We also speak truths to counteract the lies they are hearing. All day, before there’s a problem or during a problem, we’re saying: “You are such a gift.” “I can’t imagine my life without you!” “You are so special and so precious.” I may tell my little one the story, in just 5 sentences or so, of how she came to be in our family. I tell her God has a wonderful plan for her life and that HE rescued her for a high purpose. I tell her she is dearly loved and chosen. I remind her of all the families she is a part of: Ethiopian, ours, and Gods!  I ask for discernment from the Lord about what truth she needs to hear, and then I speak it out loud to her every time I think of it, which needs to be more and more often.

4. We praise them separately for doing things right. “Look how you obeyed so quickly! Wow!! Great job!” “Give me a high five, look how well you finished that homework!” There’s a difference between statements of worth (#3) and statements of praise for accomplishing tasks (#4). They need BOTH.

5. We make sure their needs are met before they get too cranky and bent out of shape. Some kids are just not as flexible as others. Keeping blood sugar stable by eating a healthy snack every 2-3 hours is helpful. Having a built-into-the-schedule nap/quiet time in beds even if they are already in school (so we do it after school) can ward off disaster. (We are still working on this one!) We may have to say no to certain things if it means they are out too late and are not getting enough sleep, or if they are just busy and pressured to fit into a tight schedule. It probably won’t always be this way, and it’s hard on both the parent and the kid, but they will need us to sacrifice the wants sometimes in order to fulfill the needs.

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Respecting Our Kids (Part Three: How)

As God’s Word says, out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If our hearts are full of frustration, no matter what words we say, the emotion will seep out, too. Our respectful behavior will only come from a genuine heart change and daily renewal from the Lord. I just wanted to remind you of these truths before I jump into these examples of what I am learning respect looks like!

Here we go…

1. Listening well. If we don’t have time for this, what are we doing? And sometimes our listening isn’t even about hearing actual words…sometimes the listening is more like discerning what needs and feelings their behavior is communicating.

2. Getting to know them and not assuming we already do. Letting them have their own thoughts and opinions and realizing they’re equal to ours.  Make some room. It’s disrespectful to interrupt, interrogate, jump to conclusions, think we’re better, and give swift judgments.

3. Thinking before we talk. Thinking about where our words will take the conversation. Our words can give them hope that they can come to a workable solution in every single instance, whether they are 3 or 13 or 33. Our words can show we believe in them, that they have what it takes to do this hard thing! It is disrespectful to lecture thoughtlessly until we run out of words and it’ll only make us more aggravated as they lose attention anyway.

4. Staying calm and kind. Not making an enormous deal out of everything. It’s disrespectful not to mention frightening to have this big person (who is driven by the thoughts “It’s the principle of the matter” and “They should know better!) glaring at you, talking at you in an aggravated tone, and handing out punishments until their sense of justice is satisfied.

5. Having a plan for discipline that they understand and can expect is respectful. It’s disrespectful to surprise kids with a random disconnected punishment that doesn’t make sense and wasn’t ever mentioned before, like “You got a clip down at school again so you aren’t going to that sleepover tonight.” Punishments are necessary sometimes! But we can be a part of helping our children dig to the core of the problem and work it out instead of just punishing it. For example, what was the clip down for? It may be that we need to have a pretend class room at home and practice whatever the situation was that brought about the clip down. Now, it may happen that the only time to do that is during the family tv show time before bed, sadly, because school night evenings are pretty busy. That may seem like a punishment, to miss the show, and it is, technically, but it’s more of a natural consequence showing that fun is often squeezed out when we have to take the time to re-do something we did not handle well our first chance. Punishments that don’t fit the crime, that distance kids from parents, that are harsh and not well thought out, and that are surprising, are disrespectful.

6. There are so many more examples, but I’m over my 500 words big-time! Last but not least, we show respect by enjoying our kids and letting them know we enjoy them, by highlighting the good, and amplifying it like we hope others in our lives will do for us.

 

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Respecting Your Kids (Part Two: Why)

So in the past two blogs, we have talked about how respect is one of the most important ways we can put action to the words “I love you”, what types of behaviors we see in our kids, how we tend to respond, and some of the ways our hearts need to change for better relationships.

It’s not easy and it may feel uncomfortable. It may feel like you’re focusing on the wrong thing and letting bad behavior slide. But here’s why parenting with respect is so vital:

1. They’re human beings. If you’re a boss of an office full of adults, there are certain ways you go about getting them to comply and certain ways you don’t, and those “ways” have everything to do with general courtesy and respect. If you’re the boss, you set the tone in the office for how people are going to interact. Same for a parent. If we want a house with no yelling, no muttering mean things under breath, no hurtful sarcasm, no interrupting and talking over each other, no harsh judgment or interrogation, and no heightened negative emotions brimming over in our speech, it’ll start with us. We live in a world right now where being a human being isn’t enough reason to show love and respect to one another. We have to change that! We will see respect if we set the tone for it with our own words and actions.

2. We need to learn to show respect to our kids because respect opens up their heart and mind. Lectures and punishments literally shut down parts of their brains, and we can see it in their eyes! They either lash out or retreat in, but either way, we see it, and we keep going because we don’t know what else to do to make a bad behavior stop. Respect, shown by listening, gentleness, affection, and other efforts to show unconditional positive regard, relax their mind and heart (literally!) and give us a way in. The heart is where the real change happens, and respect is an open door into their heart.

3. Respect raises a child’s self-image and what they think of themselves. When we show them and say out loud to them, “You’re worth my time and attention, you are not a problem”, that becomes a part of their identity. We want others in their lives to see their worth, right? When they are grown we will expect them to even demand that from their spouse or co-workers, right? We have to recognize their worth ourselves and teach it to them now.

4.  Respect builds trust. They begin to believe that whether they’ve messed up or not, whether they’ve done something acceptable or the opposite this time, they still belong. Instead of always feeling like they have to strain to achieve that secure spot, they begin to believe they are already living in it. Then their choices and actions will reflect that status.

Kids (and adults) hear a lot of lies in their heads about not being good enough, not being loved, not belonging. In so many people, that’s just there…a sense of it always there. It really breaks my heart. We have the chance and the power to speak against those lies with everyone we come in contact with, and especially our children, through showing them respect that is unrelated to what they do or don’t do.

 

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Respecting Our Kids (Part One: The Struggle)

Okay, let me paint a picture for you and then you can see if you’re reading the right blog 🙂

One or more of your children seems to need more attention than you think they should require at their age. They have one or more of these characteristics: They tend to be destructive. They lose, break, cut, and color on things. They tend to whine or fall apart at instruction. They are opinionated and don’t go with the flow. They lie sometimes, and their response to being found out is one of confusion. They have a hard time looking you in the eye and staying focused on more than one sentence at a time. Certain things really bug them, like socks being too big or noise or even hugs.  They don’t remember something they seemed to have grasped last week. They get anxious about learning new things. They aren’t compliant sometimes with simple things like putting on shoes or finishing their drink. They seem to disregard instructions, either forgetting or not prioritizing them. They’re often in a bad mood even when their lives seem quite fun and easy.

Even if these aren’t characteristics of any of your children, do you recognize any of the following characteristics in yourself?

You don’t know how to respond when your child did something irresponsible or flat out disobedient or is throwing a loud fit. Your first move is to give a lecture and a punishment. Your main priority is that they simply never do that behavior again. You ask “What were you thinking?” a lot. You holler from across the house what they need to be doing. You threaten time-outs and spankings without actually getting up from your chair. You feel angry, aggravated, and powerless. You give mean looks. Your expectations are rarely met.

Well, I’ve been there, I admit it. In fact, in order to implement the changes I have been learning about, I needed to grow in humility and have a major heart change. Here are just a few pieces to the heart-change puzzle for me:

  1. I had to recognize I don’t show love and acceptance to my children just as they are, right smack in the middle of their problems, and that’s not okay. I had to realize I was holding back smiles and warm, kind eyes from them when they disappointed me, and that’s not okay.  I was saying, “We’re your forever family, you belong with us, we love you!” but acting like “You better shape up, kid, and I’ll be keeping you at arm’s length until you do.” I truly had to repent.
  2. I had to let go of my expectations of them based on their age or what “should be” their maturity level. So many of my angry moments were spurred by this thought: “You should know better. You should do better.” I had to let go of the “shoulds” and accept what is, choosing to rise to the challenge. (P.S. None of us like to be “shoulded”…either we achieve something or we don’t, “shoulding” just makes people feel less.)
  3. I had to realize children are unique little people with quirks, idiosyncrasies, struggles, habits, and opinions, just like me, and they deserve the same acceptance and unconditional kindness and respect that I expect from others. They’re complex! They aren’t my canvas to paint on, they are their own, and we don’t really even know them until we make the effort to stop changing them.
  4. I had to understand there are real biological or psychological reasons behind some of those behaviors and difficulties, and grow in knowledge and compassion.
  5. I had to accept that it was my responsibility to set a new tone, make a new plan, and bring healing through our interactions instead of hurt and distance.

 

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Respecting Our Kids (Intro)

Wow, my thoughts about this topic are completely commandeering my morning. If I sound especially passionate in my writing today it’s because God is digging deep in the garden of my heart…and because of my spiritual gifts of teaching and encouraging, I feel like I have to share.

First of all, my ideas of parenting changed completely through attending an Empowered to Connect seminar in April 2015 and then continuing to study and practice their teaching all summer. This training is specifically for parents and caretakers of children from hard places, whether that’s a foster care situation, trauma at an early age, or adoption. It’s for families who are raising kids who have experienced loss at a time they needed attachment and someone they could trust the most. But as I listened and as I have learned this summer, I have grown to believe this way of relating is for EVERYONE! It has revolutionized my home and now is revolutionizing my heart, affecting every relationship, beyond my children…and the real key to it all is respect. Yes, love, of course. But one of the ways love is shown is through the multi-faceted concept of respect.

Every person wants to feel respected, like they matter, like they are an equal, and like their voice is worthy of being heard. Every person needs to be able to share how they are feeling without fear of punishment. Every person deserves this and innately desires this, because we’re made in the image of God and by the hands of God! Whether we struggle at times with this concept of self image or not, something inside of us is always pushing us to know we are special and precious.

Is it possible that we teach our kids they are fearfully and wonderfully made, as Psalm 139 tells us, and expect them to grow up to have a great self-esteem, but then talk to them on a daily basis like we would talk to no other human being on this planet? I say every child needs respect whether they come from hard places or not, whether they’re fragile in the area of feeling like they belong or not, because it doesn’t matter how steady and strong your foundation is, none of us appreciate a lack of respect being shown to us and when there is a lack of respect we struggle to respond correctly in that moment. When the cashier says in an exhausted, sarcastic tone, “Are you gonna swipe your card or what?” When your spouse says, “I know I told you I would do this, but I did this instead…I’ll do your thing later.” When the person you were in a fender bender with yells, “What is wrong with you?” The three attitudes behind these examples…I have had them all with my children at times and that makes me sad.

It is possible to raise children with respect without them thinking they are in control and equal in regard to running the household. Here’s the good news: They don’t want to be in control and they don’t want to run the household. They simply want their ideas and words to be listened to, their feelings and desires considered, and to be spoken to and treated with unconditional positive regard.

This week I’ll be sharing blogs about this topic and will give examples of how we can change disrespectful habits into life giving, connecting interactions with our kids. I hope I can relay to you how imperfect I am at this, yet how much reward I already am receiving — I can see it in their eyes.

Being respected is being loved.