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Husbands & Wives

I love to plan and set rhythms.

I love to know how I will start and end my day.

I love to start new Bible Study workbooks.

I love to be alone and I also love to gather others in just about anything I get into doing, be it exercise or selling handmade items for women in third world countries.

I love to save money, give money, and use money for traveling.

I love a good health goal and I don’t mind committing to hard things.

But sometimes, I’m not sure if you can relate or not, wink-wink, my spouse doesn’t get as excited about certain things as I do. (What?? I know!!) And the reality is, I don’t get as excited as HIM about certain things either, so we are probably pretty even.

That can feel like a bummer…even worse, it can really make a person feel like they aren’t on the same team with their spouse. They can feel resentful or like there is no hope of things ever changing.

Sometimes it is the actual disagreement of values that make you feel not-so-synced, but sometimes it isn’t that at all. Sometimes it is more the lack of communication or the lack of knowing how to communicate or…maybe…a wrong heart attitude.

So, the Lord and I were talking about this yesterday.

Very clearly, I felt like God was shifting my heart to see something new: I, wife of 21 years, Christian of 31 years, have some entitlement issues.

How many times have I started caring deeply about something and then inadvertently made someone else, most usually my husband, feel “less” for not jumping on board? Just because I want to save for a trip to such and such, or I want to do this eating plan together, God may or may not want to give me that or have me do that…and do I blame God? Not usually. Usually, I blame my husband and maybe…maybe…he blames me in times the roles are reversed. It is in a vague way, probably a super vague way, maybe even unknown to us, but still…

So God gave me some checklist questions to help my heart…and maybe other husbands and wives out there, too.

  1. Have I prayed about this hope/dream/plan/idea before bringing it to them?
  2. Have I determined whether this is a want or a need? Once I have done that, am I willing to present this humbly and honestly as such, rather than acting like those wants are truly needs?
  3. Am I able to share, but not expect? Is the outcome surrendered to God, knowing HE is the giver of all good things?
  4. Am I aware of who has to actually DO the WORK of making this idea happen? Am I keeping that in mind as I bring it up? Is it a fair request when you imagine being in their shoes?
  5. Am I willing to listen to questions, feedback, and alternatives, keeping a good attitude?

My Bible reading today (besides my morning listening to my favorite Read The Bible In One Year podcast, at mjblack.com) was Colossians 3.

As I read Colossians 3, I was amazed at how it spoke into this conversation I had with God about my spirit of entitlement…

I hope you’ll grab a Bible and read it for yourself, but here were some highlights that struck me about the heart attitude I need when I look at my future shared with another person:

-Desire what is above, not what is on earth

-Embrace your new nature

-Be thankful

-Wives, submit to your husband

-Husbands, love your wives

-Fear God

-Whatever you do, do it for the Lord

Whether it is a super serious, even a life or death thing, that you are asking your spouse to move toward with you, or just a small thing like keeping a calendar synced a certain way or budgeting–our heart attitudes, commitment to prayer, and applying Scripture to our problems and desires matters.

Since we are called to peace, and since we are to set our minds on what is excellent, even in hard times, even when genuine needs are unmet, even when one of us on the team is not “pulling our weight” in some way, even then: We can focus on something we are doing well together, something he or she is giving effort and attention to, something for which we can show gratitude and respect.

I’m excited to see how the truth can set me free in this area…What about you? What is hard for you about this? Where are you in this process?

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Freedom, Day Three: No More Performing

Satan’s favorite mantra in my head lately is: “You can’t do this much longer.” (Ugh! Isn’t he awful??)

But maybe he’s just a little bit right, as he usually is. Just a little bit right, like bait on a hook.

I certainly can’t do life much longer like this.

I have been so desperate lately. I’m overwhelmed by the mental and emotional fatigue of my life, of the past twenty years really. Maybe you are, too. I certainly don’t have the hardest life around. But the relationship struggles, church “stuff”, adoption journeys, illnesses, homeschooling, commitments outside my home, and four children’s needs have affected me through and through. I do believe most of these things have been specific obedience to the Lord and not just random ministry–but somehow I feel like I just don’t have the stamina to keep up with it all, to do it all. Sure, I am supposed to serve with the strength God provides, but how do I know when that strength is going to be sapped all of a sudden in the middle of a commitment? It’s not easy or clear. I have learned to rely on the Lord, yet sometimes I wonder if it was really just me pushing through like I have learned for so many years to do. Just real thoughts from my soul here, friends.

 

Today as I was reading the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen (get this book!) God gave me one sentence to cling to…one ray of hope and understanding and vision. Spiritual Alzheimer’s be darned, I must remember this:

I am free to stop performing and just love.

Okay, how does this change my life? What’s the big deal? How does that solve fatigue in my soul?

Just this: I am called to love people, not perform for them.

In every capacity– Mom, Wife, Teacher, Friend, Co-laborer of the Gospel, Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Child of God–I smile when I think of how to love the people I am in relationship with, but I cringe when I think I need to please them, make them think I’m great, maintain a reputation, make a good impression, keep them from criticizing me, judging me, or talking badly about me. That’s making relationships a performance where we’re not allowed to mess up. It’s a prison, and it’s awful. But God wants to give us the confidence to acknowledge that we will not be perfect for these people nor do we need to be, and to play an entirely different role in their lives, as well as know deep down that we don’t need those people to always be happy with us. God wants to set us free to receive correction if needed, to be brave to handle conflicts that may arise from each others’ imperfections, and to forgive and be forgiven, not live in fear of these interactions. We are allowed to mess up, because life is not a performance.

So here’s the opposite of that performance driven life: Love.

Love means I’m not saying or doing things based on how I hope you’ll respond or think of me.

Love means I give what God leads me to give in our relationship, not what I think you expect from me, and not to get anything in return.

Love means I’m thinking of you and your soul right now, not myself, my inadequacy, my awkwardness.

Love means I care about you, but I choose to not worry about you and your choices, because it is your life and I have my own to lead.

We are called to live a life of love (Ephesians 5:2) not a life of collecting friends, attempting to control responses of others, and have nice things said about us. I really don’t have time or emotional space to keep searching for the affect of my love…only to live with a vague guilt about everything I’ve said and wondering constantly how I’m measuring up.

I am free to stop performing in this life, and just love, unaware of who is watching.

 

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Top Ten List: Practices I Promise You Won’t Regret Starting This Year

As we start off the New Year, I’m thinking about some habits and choices that  I want to do or already have done in years past — choices that have the power to really enhance my relationships and life for the better! I want to share ten of these practices in the form of one of my very favorite things: A LIST!

  1. Sponsor a child or sign up for monthly giving! I highly recommend the following ministries: worldvision.org, compassion.com, empowerhaititogether.org, embracinghopeethiopia.com, lifesongfororphans.org, ijm.org, and persecution.com
  2. Work to memorize Scripture! Aim for one chapter or one really meaningful passage, or verses about a particular issue with which you struggle.
  3. Ask God whom to put on a daily prayer list. As you pray for them, send a card sometimes to encourage or at the end of the year, let them know you prayed for them all year!
  4. Read aloud a devotional or inspirational biography at dinner or bedtime or before school at least once a week as a family.
  5. Make a change in your diet, even if it is to only add one beneficial food and remove one harmful food for the year. And can I squeeze into #5 to exercise at least 15-30 minutes per day?
  6. Put on your calendar a quarterly, if not monthly, ladies’ night/men’s night or coffee date with a friend! No one is going to do this for you; make it happen!
  7. Plan 12 dates with your spouse if you are married. Even if they are “couch dates”, write down the ideas and put them in a jar to pull out or put on your calendar once a month. Get the sitter a month in advance. We can do this, y’all! When we are old, we’ll be sorry that we didn’t…It’s good for the kids to see us date, too!
  8. Live in community, inter-generationally! Seek out relationships with older and younger people; write down the story and advice of at least one older person this year and seek to serve them this year.
  9. Pow-Wow! Give the closest people in your life a chance to share their heart daily, in two categories. Ask them what was great about their day, and listen (this is their Wow!) Ask them what was difficult and what they’d like to sort through, and listen (this is their Pow!) You can do this with friends, roommates, spouses, and definitely kids and teens. I do this as I put my kids to bed each night and if I “forget”, they do not. 😉
  10. Plan a day or weekend anywhere from 2 to 12 times a year where you get away from people and re-think schedules, goals, relationships, health, etc. Read, watch inspiring movies, be quiet, journal, be in nature, and let God renew your mind, heart, soul, and strength in solitude.

We are responsible to take care of ourselves (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually)…our immediate family, our marriages, our kids that won’t be kids for long…the least of these among us, close by and around the world…the elderly…but we get busy and sometimes just live on autopilot! Whatever your choices are this year, let them be YOUR CHOICES. Whatever you spend your time on, whatever you commit yourself to do, let it be thought out and deliberate. What you decide today is a little bit who you are tomorrow. 🙂

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Something I’m Learning

Yeah, that’s a pretty vague title, but I don’t have time to be clever! I wanted to name it “Prioritizing My Husband (in other words, what I have not been doing for the past 6 months)” but that was too long 🙂

The other day in my morning time with the Lord (and often with Zoe), I was praying for Jack and using the book The Power of a Praying Wife. I quite randomly turned to the chapter/prayer entitled “His Priorities” and began praying for him. But that particular prayer started with praying for HIS WIFE’s priorities before praying for his. At first, I admit, I thought, “Well, sure, I know I stink at this, but what choice do I have? It’s not like I have more time or more attention or more energy to give…” as if I was exempt, as if somehow it didn’t apply to me.

Just a few sentences in, even though I had prayed through these pages before, the Lord was definitely talking to me! I wrote in my journal, asking the Lord to help me learn how to prioritize my husband. Over these past few days, I’ve realized it’s more of an attitude than a list of more I have to do. Marriage is hard work, especially when you feel like you have nothing left to give or you have a hard time getting in sync due to all.these.other.people.in.the.house or just thinking completely different thoughts about completely different things all day long. For me, the difficulty stems from being an introvert and craving time alone, so when a moment of silence arises, I don’t necessarily want to give it up, or when free time surfaces (hahahahaha, but someday it will), I want to THINK MY OWN THOUGHTS! There’s nothing wrong with that, but eventually, BOTH need to be regular things: time for me to unwind and recharge, and time for US to unwind and recharge together. Anyway, here are some thoughts on that attitude change…and how I’m noticing the Holy Spirit lead me in learning how to prioritize my husband. They sound so simple, but I wasn’t feeling responsible to do them and I have a far way to go.

  1. When he tries to say something, (yep, 5 girls in the house) take a second to tell the kids their dad is talking and I want to hear what he’s saying. Ask them to wait. Turn my face AND eyes to him until he’s done.
  2. Whether I really want to think about what he’s talking about or not (again, we are thinking different thoughts about a multitude of things all day long so it takes me a while to get on the same page), LISTEN. Give positive feedback even if I can’t give a definitive answer.
  3. Respectfully, not with a major annoyed sigh, tell him when I just can’t listen right now and ask him if he would please remember to talk to me about that the next time we will see each other, such as certain nights after the kids are in bed or Sunday afternoon while they are “resting” in their room.
  4. One more detail about the listening: Always recognize and say out loud that I can see how that might be a good idea, and show respect instead of quickly announcing “that won’t work”, “that’s not what I’m wanting to do”, “that doesn’t make sense to me”…I married a very intelligent, creative man, yet often I act like if he has a plan that doesn’t make sense to me or that goes a different direction than I anticipated, that it will be disastrous. That’s rude and arrogant of me. This wife has got to learn to share the load when it comes to plans and decisions!
  5. Answer texts from him as immediately as I can, and take time to text him at least once throughout the day.
  6. Answer or return a call from him, even if it means our routine gets messed up a little!
  7. Love what he loves. I don’t mean I’m going to follow his hobbies (i.e. looking online at vintage cars, adoring manly men’s beards- oh my, he needs some free time to get some real hobbies!) but I do mean that when he is excited about something, wants me to come, wants me to get on board, I need to at least share the enthusiasm. If I can physically be there, I want to be there, bring the kids, make it a big deal, buy the t-shirt. I can’t do everything. In fact, I can do very little. But I need to be willing to try, to see, if it’s possible to rearrange some things to be by his side.
  8. Pray for him. I’ve always prayed for Jack daily, and I want to continue in this, asking him more often how he would like me to pray for him. Maybe I can start doing this on Sunday afternoon, write the need down somewhere I’ll daily see it, and check in and see how that situation is going the next Sunday. It’s not a rule, just an idea.
  9. Show appreciation for sacrifices and hard work. “Thank you for going to work today! Thank you for coming home! You are crucial and needed in both places!” I need to LET Jack make sacrifices and do things for me more, kindling thankfulness in my heart that I truly should already have.
  10. Find a way to make special time with him happen. I have to get in bed earlier than most adults on the planet, but surely one time a month I can rent a movie, get some of our favorite snacks, and stay up late just us two on the couch for a stay-at-home date. Someday we’ll get to date again and when we do, we will make space in the budget for it, and my girls will see that even though it’s a sacrifice to leave them behind for an afternoon, marriage is an important relationship one can’t take for granted. Until then, I want them to see that my attitude and heart toward their dad is one of gratitude, enjoyment, and respect.

 

 

 

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15 Years of Marriage…and the Lies That Add Up

(Ooh, I didn’t mean to make such a scandalous title but now that it’s there, I just can’t erase!) It’s okay, you’ll see where I’m heading as you read on…

Jack and I are celebrating our 15th Anniversary tomorrow, New Year’s Day! I can’t believe it’s been 15 years. I will never forget that snowy day in a packed church where we, with such hope in our eyes, said “I do.” No one could have told us what would come next, what trials we’d face, what mistakes we’d make…we just had to experience it for ourselves.

And along the way, along with the surprises, doesn’t the enemy of our souls just enjoy coming in and devouring that hope, those promises?

The lies do begin to add up as he whispers fears and blame…and after 15 years, I’ve finally learned to call him out and let him know I’m not afraid of these words. They have no hold on me. My choice is made because I bend my thoughts and will and desires to another whisper. Do these lies seem familiar at all to you?

Lie #1…”We have nothing in common.” For me and Jack, this “lie” has lots of truth in it. We are hilariously opposite in truly almost every way. Extrovert, introvert. Hot all the time, cold all the time. Owns seven screens, happy with one. Steak, salad. Small talk, heart talk. Jokes, blogs. Midnight, 9:30. So guess what? This doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s all about perspective. 1 Corinthians 12 reminds us there are different kinds of gifts, and that the Body of Christ is made up of many parts–and no one could do their part well without the other members doing their part well. That’s how it can be in a marriage, too. We can appreciate the way our spouse thinks whether we understand it or not. They are an individual first before they can be a member of a partnership. I like myself, and I like being an individual first. I have every intention of hanging onto what makes me ME. So, in the same spirit, I have been learning to value Jack and his opinions, strengths, and even weaknesses, as I want mine to be considered and accepted. I don’t want to put my convictions on anyone anymore. I get my one life, and so does everyone else! The only thing we need in common is loving Jesus, each other, and our family. That’s the truth to cancel out this lie!

Lie #2…”He’s changed.” Well…yeah. That happens to people over a decade and a half. The only way I could recognize Princess Leia in the most recent Star Wars movie was by her eyes. And she’s just as beautiful…but obviously she’s changed through the years. Someday that’ll be us. And not just our physical appearances, but we all evolve through time mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially. We aren’t always going to like what we’ve become or what our spouse has become. But here are three things I’m learning to do to combat this lie.

First, we go to God’s Word, which reminds: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive what grievances you may have…” (Colossians 3:12-13) We are MUTUALLY accepting, having compassion, being patient, with ONE ANOTHER. Do I really think he’s the only one who has changed, who has built up a mound of grievances and idiosyncrasies? Whether I see it or not, I am being loved and accepted as I myself work to love and accept. As we love and accept even things we don’t like (I’m obviously not talking about sin, evil, abuse, etc) people tend to unfold, and their layers come off. They let go of defenses and you connect. It’s a beautiful thing to see someone free to become who they really were meant to be, and they will never become that if someone is pressing them. It’s scary, it feels risky, but it’s really good. It’s offering to someone what you would hope they would offer you as you grow into the best version of yourself.

Second, we pray! When we pray for our spouses, no matter how long it takes for fruition, our perspective and heart toward them changes very quickly. I have seen so many times where I chose to not start a difficult conversation, but prayed for several days or weeks instead, only to see my husband’s countenance change and he himself bring up the problem for us to discuss. We can trust the Lord, He’s a good Father! He knows what we need, and He loves our spouses and is quite capable of speaking to them! (I love and recommend the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian!!)

Third, we set our hearts to serve and obey the Lord with our own lives first. I can’t live Jack’s life for him and I’m not supposed to. He has duties that are not mine to perform. I can support him by doing what is on my plate faithfully and joyfully, and trust him and the Lord with what is really not mine to worry about or accomplish.

And last but not least, Lie #3…”If I had married so-n-so, I’d have…” Ugh. This one’s really a sad and desperate attempt of the enemy to get us when we’re down, because we rationally know there’s no way to know what would have happened if we had chosen a different path. We never know what someone else’s home life is truly like either. This thought, this lie, is a mirage in the desert. I think I could have been happy with several different guys that I liked in college and Jack could have been happy with several different girls he liked, too. Why? Because we CHOOSE to be happy. “God’s will” for our lives wasn’t one choice 15 years ago, His will for our lives is right now, every single day. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us what God’s will is for us: “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” This is God’s will for us. In what we chose, or in whatever situation we find ourselves in somehow, this is God’s will for us. Our active stance is to take joy, pray, and give thanks.

 

The lies have a way of adding up if we listen to them, but so does God’s Word. We can go from strength to strength, building precept upon precept, living out the love He gives, without condition.

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Bring Back the Wonder

Phoenix_sunrise

We all have days where colors are brighter, every word has meaning, and we want it to stay just like this forever…

Then we all have days where we feel grey, discontent, just old and done. Our callings feel less sure, our blessings feel more like burdens, and our joy is slipping through our fingers.

It’s a really beautiful thing to have a God thatwants to take these realities and help us with them.

It’s a really beautiful thing to have a God who is waiting for us to ask Him to make life new again, to make all these components of life come alive once again!

So let’s pray for this together–

Our Father, Lord, Friend, Helper, Great Resurrector,

In our bodies–our getting out of bed, our walking, our talking, our eating, our work and our play– please bring back the wonder of it all like only You can.

In our homes–our calendars, our finances, our family table, our conversations, our dreams–please bring back the wonder of it all like only You can.

In our marriages and relationships–our helping, our praying, our giving, our supporting, our listening, our loving–in this privilege of partnership–please bring back the wonder of it all like only You can.

In our parenting–their faces, their noise, their character, their hearts, their schooling, our pivotal role to play in their walk with You–oh Jesus, please bring back the wonder of it all like only You can.

In our ministries–on the street, in the store, to the Body of Christ within and without the Church, to the poor and the broken and the lost, in prayer or in physical action–please bring back the wonder of it all like only You can.

Come make it holy, because it is. Come make it precious, because it is. Come make it meaningful, because it is.

Amen.