They said not to blink, so I didn’t.
But still, off she goes.
I am all feelings… because I know something wonderful is over. Yes. Something new is beginning and it is going to be wonderful, too. But still, something beautiful is over and that deserves a moment or two or a million.
I am learning to feel my feelings…and rather than shun the annoying fact that I am human, follow it, allow it, a little.
So what beautiful, wonderful something is actually over? What is so hard to say goodbye to? Let me go way back…
Carrying her and feeling her kick my ribs. I’ll never forget! Pushing her in the cart at the grocery. Snuggling and reading. Her enthusiasm when meeting new people and doing new things. Her dresses and hair bows. Homeschool mornings. Worship time.
Then middle school years. The purple bedroom. The books she wrote, the songs she wrote, sang, and played on the piano. Making friends and even struggling with friends, the hard conversations. Beach vacations. The way she memorized movie lines and made us laugh.
High school ~ I guess this is when I began to start feeling the first stabs of loss. I was sad that so many hard things were happening to her. It was not all bad, but the simple times were over. Health problems and diagnoses a long time coming. Managing appointments and meds. Some hard relationships and discoveries. Also, there were special memories like sharing things with her younger sisters, learning to drive, taking college classes. Watching her start a crochet business. Seeing her pick a college. Dating. Prom. Graduation. One last summer.
Now I am parenting an adult child. And I don’t know how much will change, but I’ve spent a long time trying to get ready for whatever this all means. Tomorrow we take her to college and drop her off, and a new beginning happens for both of us. It’s just sad because my new beginning doesn’t include her as a forefront figure…but it did for more than 18 years. I have new assignments now, and my assignment to her is there but different.
It is brave to love and give to our kids. Praise the Lord for His bravery and strength He supplied in the days that turned somehow to years. We made it! That is something beautiful and wonderful. (And encouraging, because I have three more to raise! Also encouraging because all I did was pray and do my best, and I’m choosing to believe that was enough. Whew, that could be another blog entry…or book.)
It is also brave to let go and move on. I choose to praise Him for His bravery and strength He will give in these days where things are different and maybe even painful. We will make it through the transition! Mommas in the same shoes, I’m talking to the both of us! We will make it through this, too!
I think we just get used to running the race and giving our all; when the scenery changes, when the track changes, we have to be able to move forward into a new scene.
But there are no shoelaces tied up for me just yet.
I didn’t blink then and I’m not going to blink now. I’m here. Tears and all. Fully here because this wonderful beautiful gift deserves nothing less.
