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Parenting Drama

Just a few thoughts today about parenting. I may be feeling a little extra today, just warning! 🤪

As I have shared before, it’s utterly ridiculous that I have written a book on parenting—therefore I do not claim that I have! My claim is that I have written a book on connection, teaching emotional intelligence, compassion for the growing brain, and all from the vantage point of a mom who has messed up in all of the above…enough to write a whole training manual on it!

I don’t mean to be dramatic but sometimes…y’all. Sometimes I really don’t know what my next step needs to be as a mom and if I am getting it all wrong, just fundamentally wrong! Sometimes I need a week to decide how to respond to something my kids have done because I do care how they feel and I do care if they will carry my voice in their head (in a negative way) yet at the same time my husband and I do have to be responsible and respond.

This week, I had the luxury of two days to figure out how to respond to this:

My almost 12 and almost 13 year old daughters, who aren’t allowed to eat in their room, had hidden 2 dishes with food still on them in their closet shelves which are full of toys, games, etc. This particular problem was new, but the heart behind it was not…laziness, hiding things, being sneaky, and disregard for rules, (let alone mice and roaches).

I was really thankful they had just left for two days when I found the dishes and food, because having to deal with things like this tends to feel like it sets us back in our attachment. I’m just being honest. Anyone else out there feel this?

In the time I had, this is what came to mind:

Some people in my life tell me, “Oh, they’re just kids. Don’t be too hard on them” (for things like having to be told multiple times to check their chore chart, hiding junk under their bed and saying they cleaned, or making excuses for not staying with their sibling at a public event when explicitly told to). But then sometimes those same people say, “Gotta let those kids start to do more adult things” (like stay home alone, have computer/tv time without adult supervision, or walk around with friends at a ballgame) “and it’s good for them to have opportunities to sink or swim.”

And I agree with both. But you know what? I’m feeling like there is too much of both and not enough of a third option, a third option that would actually put the weight of responsibility on the right party: the kids who are longing to do adult things but won’t/can’t even follow simple cleaning instructions or won’t/can’t meet you at a certain time to get back together at an event.

I’m honestly just kind of tired of it. Jesus, take the wheel! I want to stop giving privileges to my kids if they haven’t gotten the basics yet. That’s coming from a negative space because I’m tired and just being brutally honest, but this morning, after 2 days away from them, I was (by God’s amazing grace) actually able to approach it from a positive space!! I told them I wasn’t going to punish them and I wasn’t even mad, but that because of what I found (and actually shared 3 or 4 other small instances that were all adding up to the same ending), I needed them to know that these are things that make me see I need to be more involved in checking in and checking up on everything I ask them to do. I shared with them my vision of how I felt things could be if they would be more mindful of their choices and more trustworthy. I told them that how much I check in and check up and verify the truth was going to be based on what kind of behavior I see, and if that felt like I was treating them too childishly then they need to up their game!

I told them that this is how I am going to know what more mature responsibilities and opportunities they could have. Why why why would I give a young teen a phone or a debit card or even necessarily believe them when they have a conflict with someone if we are still dealing with library books shoved under furniture?

The time between being a kid and being an adult is hard. It needs a lot of grace and training. I told the girls that they are showing me they need lots of grace and training, and that honestly, this is okay…but I guess where I am heading with all this is that they need to correlate this “grace and training” to a ramp toward getting those privileges they long for. They can be frustrated all they want but we can’t jump to D and E if we haven’t nailed A,B, and C. I guess we just needed to clarify where we are. And they needed to know they get to have a lot of say in that location; they can move us into territory anytime now!

Where are you in all this? Do you feel sometimes like the kids dictate how things go in your house? Do you re-do things for your kids? Do they get privileges while at the same time you are having to ask them to get up and finish something they started? Who is the one actually suffering from the consequences of their choices? Just some good things to consider…I’m sure considering them over here!

I’m praying that through grace, training, and consistency— always connection over correction, but still, correction!— they will see the equation that hard work and honesty pay off, and there is not going to be a consolation prize or a participation trophy in life, jobs, relationships, and character. We have to put in the time to make a home, education, extracurricular, health, and relationships work well, all of us, adults and kids!

With lots of forgiveness and communication, we can do it…and hopefully they will, too ❤️

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Overcoming Perfectionism Post No. 492 ;)

I am not sure when I realized it, it certainly wasn’t all at one time – I thought that I was just a careful person, very concerned with my sense of responsibility. I didn’t realize how much fear was involved and how much of my daily thought life was spent on expecting myself to look ahead and work to avoid trouble for me and those I love.

I’ve had a lot of stress lately that is/was clearly making my body act like it had been through some kind of trauma, for example, brain fog and forgetting things (even conversations) and needing incredibly long hours of sleep and just numbness.

This response in my body makes me really frustrated, because as a mom of at least one highly sensitive child, they seem to need me to function at a very high level and get anxious if I am anxious or don’t have things perfectly together.

Do you have someone in your family whose struggles have made you feel like you have to be more perfect or together than you truthfully can be?

It’s important to just acknowledge the effect that has on us.

But the good news is, well, boundaries…but also…there are many learning moments and opportunities for all of us to grow when life shows us just how weak and not-in-control we are.

These can be teaching opportunities, and whether that person in our life is a parent, spouse, or child, it is okay for them to face our humanity and learn to deal with their challenges and struggles with it. It is okay for us to fail them and let God do a work in that. In fact, we probably aren’t doing them any favors by bending over backwards to make sure they never feel their life is out of control…I mean, honestly, it’s all an illusion anyway.

Today when things weren’t going as smoothly as we might have liked in a stressful moment, I shared that I have begun to find a lot of peace in reminding myself that I cannot predict even in the next moment in the future and I likely will come across a hard thing…and when I do, I know and believe and trust that between God, myself, and others God puts in my path, I will have what I need in that moment.

I don’t get to wake up every morning and know exactly what I will need in my backpack; I’m not going to “always be prepared” no matter how hard I try. If you have heard my song Maybe that I wrote almost two decades ago, you know this has been a lifelong issue. The lyrics say, “I want to see the entire pathway, so I can prepare myself for the hard days//I don’t wanna mess up the short life I’ve been given.”

Whew. Hello, perfectionism alert!

But I choose to believe I have made it this far, by God’s grace, and when things happen like getting turned around while driving, being late, needing to call someone for help, disappointing someone, wasting money accidentally, or having to apologize because I let my frustration overcome my filter, my inner critic or rising adrenaline may be present but so will the grace to make it through yet another hard thing.

To me, this is the truth that wins over and crowds out fear, perfectionism, and worry!

His promise that we will have problems is sure;

His promise we will have His presence – not His blame – is equally sure.

…”Maybe I can let the journey take me where it will//Maybe I can learn to love the unknown, deep valleys and steep hills and//Maybe I can trust a little longer this time around//Maybe I won’t lose my ground as easily//Maybe.”

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Our Words

So…anyone who knows me knows that I am not a sports person. I don’t play, I don’t watch, I don’t care! I don’t understand the rules, and if I was on the field or court, I would be the one who gets hit in the head with the ball or runs the wrong direction. I was lucky enough to marry a non-sports person as well, so we’re just blissfully ignorant together. But something we didn’t think about was that we would have offspring, and those offspring might actually want to play sports.

Enter 9 year old, 4 ft. 10 in., sweet and sparkly Selah Taylor, playing basketball for the first time ever.

After the first couple of practices, I knew it wasn’t going to be the experience I had hoped for her. I had hoped she would get on a team of kids who wanted to just have fun playing, learning the game, taking turns in the different positions, etc. I’m such a girl, I guess? I don’t know…I still don’t think I was entirely crazy with those hopes! What she ended up with instead was a team of very close friends, all guys, who had known each other forever and apparently had been playing basketball forever as well. Then there were three beginners tagged onto the group. Two of them were girls, and the other was a shy boy. You can imagine how this has played out. They have equal playing time, and that’s about the only positive thing I can say! The crowd goes wild when the same boys play after play after play drive the ball down the court single-handedly for a lay-up, or maybe a pass to their friend. Maybe once a game, a newbie will accidentally get the ball. Usually, they don’t know exactly what to do with it, they may dribble a little too high and lose control of it, they may break a rule, they may run to the opposite goal. It’s like they’re thinking, “Oh, wow, this is what a basketball feels like!” and by the time they’re done with that thought, someone has stolen it. And the worst thing that I sensed from the beginning is some of the adults who are “encouraging” their children from the sidelines or even the bench. This “encouragement” comes in the form of belittlement and phrases like, “What were you thinking?” My sensitive heart beats out of my chest. The kid’s face is red and he’s trying not to cry. No one does anything.

Okay, so all of that was to set up the story. This blog isn’t going to just be a bunch of complaining. I know God is doing something in me, God is always doing something on a deeper level and as I dig, there it is! I needed these truths and reminders, and this lovely basketball season was just the way for God to show me.

1. Sometimes our kids will do embarrassing things. Maybe its a sin they commit, bad behavior in a public place, or maybe their skill level in a certain area will be low! We’re watching them, we’re seeing the disappointment others may have in them, and it hurts. We don’t want them to feel ashamed, and quite frankly, we don’t want to feel ashamed. But I think God is saying to parents, to me, that if my self-confidence is so low as to care what others think of my child, I need to spend some time with Him remembering what matters, remembering my identity and who I am is wrapped up in who I am in Christ, not what I do or have to show for myself here on earth. Only when we remember that, and nail that down, can we teach our kids to do the same. We need to be bold and extravagant in our encouragement to our kids so they can hear what God wants to say to them about who they are! Also, they can accomplish great things, but they are also going to fail… a lot! We need to show them how to do that gracefully, with a firm grip on how much they are still loved and exquisitely designed for great purpose. So there’s a pit in my stomach on that basketball court. I don’t know that I want my daughter to get the ball. Who will be mad at her when she messes up? Maybe some parents, maybe some kids? Well, who cares? I love my daughter and I’m proud of her for trying. Anyone who thinks we are silly for still being happy after a mistake is missing out on some very good living.

2. If that embarrassment or frustration at our children leads to saying belittling things to them like: “What were you thinking?”, “What’s wrong with you?”, “Are you ever going to get this?” or “You drive me nuts”, we are flat out bullies. We’re standing over these little people and saying in essence the most ridiculous thing in the world: “Why aren’t you as good at this as I am?” We have 30 extra years on this earth! We may have gotten better at cracking eggs and solving math facts, but apparently we haven’t matured in character in all that time if this is how we’re acting. I am so convicted about this! That father at the basketball game made my heart hurt, and while I’m very sorry for the little boy, I am glad I could see my own wrong so clearly.  I’ve asked forgiveness and God is giving new phrases that are kind and patient: “It was so cool how you learned that concept, I know you’ll be able to get this one, too!”, “One day, we’ll look at this book and it’ll seem so easy!”,  or “Let’s dig deep and do our best, but if we don’t get it today, it’s ok!” Again, sometimes our frustration toward our kids isn’t even about them and our hopes for their improvement, it’s about us. I’m not any better than that dad. And we all have the daily moment-by-moment choice to be who God is calling us to be in the relationships we have with others, especially these little people.

We have the power to change the atmosphere and the atmosphere for future generations. We will either pass on the ability to gracefully make mistakes or pass on a policy of being harsh or ignoring failure completely. We will either pass on self-confidence and a deep sense of significance given to every creation of God or perpetuate the belief that we “are” as good as we “do.” We will either pass down kindness, security, and patience which sure does go a long way in helping a person of any age learn anything, or pass on the nerve-wracking demands that never gave anyone character or quality of life.

For anyone who is learning this and wants to pray with me…

Lord Jesus, You always spoke with kindness and love. Even when you corrected people, You spoke to their heart in a way that still cherished them as a creation of God and always let them know they had a safe place in You if they would be willing to leave their sin behind. You do not look at us as we deserve. After all of our sins, but also failures and things we aren’t good at, You look at us directly, in the eye, and just love us so much. Thank You! Help us receive this love and acceptance so that we can easily and freely give it to others!  I acknowledge my behavior as sin and I ask Your forgiveness for the times I have said things and acted in ways that were not loving and accepting. I have been frustrated, embarrassed, and at my wit’s end over this particular person and situation… Please forgive me. I will go to this person and ask their forgiveness… Holy Spirit, will You be like an alarm clock in my heart, warning me when I am beginning to think and feel in an ungodly way so that I will stop and not allow myself to do any more damage. Lord, I seek complete and total freedom forever from this attitude and way of interacting with this person/these people. Give me a new way to think of them and speak to them, in Jesus’ Name. You are so powerful and the only way I can be changed, and I praise You!

Amen.