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Sorting Out the Screens Issue

Before I get started on this today, let me just remind you – I’m no expert. I’m no influencer. I haven’t researched this topic. I’m just living my little life. And on the topic of phones, I’m feeling like I have to brainstorm or process or something…anyone with me?

I walk into the room and my 15 year old has the “kids” phone (which does not have a search engine, only has approved contacts, has no social media except her own YouTube channel, and time limits on every app) in her hands…just like she did about an hour ago when I walked through that room.

My 13 year old is staring at her MP3 player which does nothing but play music, the DuoLingo app, math games, and screensavers galore to change her Home Screen every few minutes. Those are probably not called screensavers anymore. Oh, well.

I carry my phone around if anyone in my household isn’t home, because I have forgotten my children’s pick up times before and am petrified I will do it again. Lately, I also carry it around because I’m wanting some credit for taking steps. (What a weird time we live in!) Even if I go days or weeks without using Facebook or Instagram, my two social media outlets of choice, to share stuff and keep up with people, I still feel like the amount of genuine work and ministry I do from my phone is a large portion of my day. So, at any point, I may have my head down into my phone, too. I may pull it out in every line I wait in. I may even pull it out at a red light. Right in front of my kids.

This is not good.

I don’t want myself or my family to be like this.

Here’s the way I want to think – Three main categories of change here:

  1. Instead of battling what I don’t like or want to see my family doing with screens (and I’m not talking about anything bad or immoral, I’m just talking about sheer time on it or it being an immediate remedy for boredom), I want to increase our passion for other things, other ways of communication, and more connection. I want to shine some light on hobbies, face-to-face interaction, nature, exercise…
  2. We need to unapologetically set and keep boundaries around screen time, be it the TV, a phone or MP3 player, a computer, or a gaming station.
  3. If we are going to have screens, I want to see them put to good use.

This is nothing new. Maybe we have done this well before and forgot about it; maybe life got busy and we don’t want to make changes because then, as adults, we would have to make changes, too. But here are some things I want to consider trying and I would love your ideas to be added in the comments, please!

For #1 –

Especially in the summer and weekends – Ask kids and teens: “What are four things you want to accomplish each day (that don’t require a screen unless it is studying for a driver’s test or something else that can only be done online-many of these ideas would utilize YouTube, see #3)?” If they can’t come up with anything, some ideas are art projects, chores, planting/gardening, earning money, extra instrument practice, learning a new skill, walking to a certain point in the neighborhood, reading their Bible, competing with pushups and sit-ups, even having lunch outside every day they can! We can print out free calendar pages and help them get organized with what they want to learn or do personally,

Also, we can ask them: “What are some things you would like to do as a family or with friends this weekend/summer?” Are these recurring or “just once” type of things? See what you can put on your calendar to create things to look forward to together. We have a big family, so it takes a long time to get everyone’s wishes granted…but having things on the calendar to do together helps keep boredom away. I think this is because my family actually does enjoy down time and being home, and will make the most of those days if they know we will be busy other days. Ah, finding balance…one of my favorite words!

In our family, we don’t have a lot of traditions or weekly rituals, but on Sunday mornings we go to church, then have dinner at 6pm together, then watch an episode of the Chosen and open up our Bibles to talk and pray together. Just a couple “sticking points” in the week are wonderful. Right now, this is our main one, but I would like to have just a bit more.

For #2 –

We already have a firm rule of 2 hours of screen time a day. That is easy to follow in regard to “computer/PlayStation time” and “tv time” but it is getting more and more tricky in regard to the “kids” phone, which is mainly for when someone goes to an event and needs a phone with them, and the MP3 player. Obviously, my college student is doing her own thing; it’s my high schooler and middle schooler we are still doing this with and I plan to until they graduate! (That doesn’t mean they won’t have their own phone when they are driving and 16; it just means we still plan to have at least some limits on everything on that phone until they graduate.)

One way to help with the “kids” phone is that each app has a time limit on it internally, set by my husband, Jack. Also, the MP3 player and phone lock at a certain time each evening, as well as charge in our room beginning at 9:30pm.

We have a strict no phones and computers in bedrooms policy. Even when friends come over, I ask them to keep their iPads or phones out of the bedrooms and basically just in their backpack until they need to talk to parents. Sometimes this works out okay, sometimes it is super awkward, but y’all we have been through some THINGS. Have you? Do you know what I mean? Also, anytime computers (homework, YouTube, anything) are being used, they sit somewhere with the screen open to the room and anyone walking by.

I have heard of great filters like Bark that can seek out key words in texts on kids and teens phones. I recently heard, and have experienced, that the greatest danger to mental health right now for girls is being on group chats with other girls. Homeschool moms, I’m talking to you, too. I’m sorry, but it’s true, and it’s worth saying!

I’ve also heard of some parents having their kids fill out their “stuff they have to do first” form before getting to use a phone or any device that day; that would include a certain amount of time doing chores, exercising, reading, being outside, walking the dog, eating, whatever they need a little motivation to get done to have a good day! I like that and if we are ever home long enough to need this, we will do it!

Now, limits for us adults…

Should we just use regular alarm clocks and keep our phones across the room?

If our family is home, maybe we can set our phones on the charger in another room and just have family time without the distraction of “oh I can look that up because it just crossed my mind, but oh also, I forgot you were sitting here trying to spend time with me!”

I have had seasons where I made “office time” with my phone, and didn’t check email or texts until those times of day. I especially did this when homeschooling because all my kids were home and couldn’t possibly be calling or texting me in need! Now this is a little trickier but I can at least have self control to not open messages until set office times.

I join the cry I am hearing around me: “It was not meant to be this way! I was not meant to be accessible every minute of my life!” We used to leave our phone connected to the wall all day, every day. We used to sit down at a computer once for the night or if we worked at a computer all day, we certainly didn’t want to see it when we got home. We are overstimulated…but low on joy, communication, shared interests and feelings, and purpose, when we are existing in this constant-interaction-online life. We can put limits on our apps, too, and we can go old-school on some things anytime we want, like pedometers instead of watches and phones, or CD players, or cookbooks, or paper calendars, or greeting cards. (I know, I’m talking crazy.) 🙂

But really, are there changes we would want to truly make to not just give in to this?

For #3 –

Yes, so definitely there are ways to redeem these screens! Praise God! Here are some great uses for the screens if we can direct ourselves and our kids to them…

The Bible app has great devotion plans and the Bible can be read aloud.

YouTube, with a filter on your Internet, can be used for SO MANY neat hobbies and skills like crocheting, painting, guitar, singing, memorizing scripture, amazing videos about nature and space, dancing, building Legos, and learning a new language. If my girls are learning something, I don’t usually count this as screen time for them.

The Dwell app and Pause app are both great for meditating on what is good, calming down, and enjoying life for those of us (or our kids) who need reminders to do this!

I am enriched by podcasts such as Katherine Wolf and Jess Connelly; I am thankful for praise music on Apple Music or wherever. It’s great to be able to share prayer needs and encourage one another. But even this can be too much. God has given us a certain territory. I got off Facebook for months and months because I knew the perimeters of praying and serving God had put on my life, and I had no more margin to care and feel for anything else.

Right Now Media is the “Netflix” of Bible Studies and great videos for all ages.

VidAngel Is just about the best invention ever. For $10 a month, it filters all the garbage out of your Amazon Prime or Netflix (and other streaming) TV/Movies. I don’t watch TV without it.

I’m sure you all have more ideas and I would love to hear them. This blog post might seem ridiculous to you – but I find myself floating on this river of life, where all my people are also floating and kind of hanging onto each other like in the Lazy River where you grab each other’s feet to stay close…Am I leading well if I just let this river take over? Are we learning to truly work, serve, play, and rest well with so much attention, time, and activities done with screens?

It’s worth sitting on the bank for a bit, to pray, think, and decide, rather than just let the current have its way.

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Seven Months Home

I was just reflecting today on all that has changed in the past seven months…well, I can go back even further and say the past year. This time last year, we had learned on Spring Break that there was a mistake in some paperwork which ended in a month-long delay, followed by very bad news in early summer that Orlanka would have to stay in Haiti another 3 months for a TB test. Multiple trips, multiple phone calls to doctors, and multiple prayers finally got our girls, Eva Orlanka and Zoe Woodjina, HOME at last. Our Gotcha Day was August 31st and we landed in Kentucky on September 2nd. Leaving the creche with them that day was just as sweet as I ever had dreamt it would be. They were overjoyed…no more goodbyes.

In seven months, we have definitely had joy but we’ve also definitely had sorrow. One child more than the other really misses the people she loved in Haiti (as expected). There is insecurity at times and lots of need for gentleness and affection, which sometimes in my rush to teach and take care of four kids I’m sad to say I have to be reminded of. Stories and memories come to their minds often about their life before us, and I am recording those. I often ask them to draw pictures and try to remember details. We are blessed they have each other, so they’ll never lose those precious pieces of their identity.  Nighttimes can be hard sometimes; I still sit with them until they fall asleep (thank you, my friend Melatonin!) At first, one child complained that at the orphanage the nanny would sleep on the floor of the kids’ bedroom, so she liked it better there. (I kind of wish I had a picture of my face at that moment. It would be funny now.) We definitely work through strategies for fear at times, and those times are becoming less often. There have been a few instances where they had an idea in their minds of how something would be, only to find out it’s not–such as ice cream. They just recently got to where they can actually eat it. Before, it was too cold, and it wasn’t purple and sparkly like they had seen in pictures (darn Lisa Frank)! They can definitely have their picky moments, their complaining moments, and their unreasonable moments, like all kids.

But the joys…wow. These girls in themselves are an absolute joy. They love to go, they’re also happy to stay. They are quick to obey and want to get along well with their sisters. They have enjoyed every friend we’ve gotten together with and LOVE their grandparents (how could they not though?) They are thankful and they are loving. I didn’t share this with many people before they came home, but the personality and behavior of one of our girls (while living in the creche) was beyond challenging. I was truly worried about how her moods would affect our home. She is honestly the most stable and easy going person in this crazy household!! It is amazing and God gave me a wonderful surprise in her!! They love to learn, and oh how they love their Daddy. One day when I was in the other room, I heard Eva say to Jack (my husband, her dad), “I said to God, ‘God, will you give me a Daddy?’ And He DID!” We all cried…imagining her praying that prayer, the joy of it now answered. Yes, God does settle the lonely in families; yes, He does hear their cry!!

I remember when the girls first came they were so fascinated with/we kept running out of:

Toilet paper

Eggs (they would eat 4 or 5 at a sitting, and 2 or 3 a couple hours later!)

Band-aids

Ice

Barbecue (yes, the meat, the sauce, anything bbq related!!)

These things have calmed down now. They still always want to know what we’re having for each meal, and always want to know if they can have more (long before they’re done with what they have). We’ve finally figured out how to handle some of the more difficult “meal issues” and they only overeat pizza and spaghetti (understandable?!) They do so well with rewards, chores, homeschool, imaginative play, asking with respect, and even talking about their feelings and sharing their problems. Their ability to speak English has increased exponentially, and most sentences they say are about 50/50 Kreyol/English. I’ll end this blog today with two English sentences said to me recently. The first is so completely precious, it’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me:

Eva (6): “Mom, your face, my present.” (I know!!! Heart melted!!!)

And another, sweet in its own way:

Zoe (5): “Mom, I coming, but I not want to bring my fart to you.”

 

Thanks for journeying with us. There are lots of ups and downs, just like with any family, but we are certainly learning to love and lean on Jesus and therefore are very, very blessed. 🙂

 

 

 

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5 Things People With Chronic Illness Want You To Know

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For fourteen years, ever since my last couple of months living in Africa, I have struggled off and on with symptoms of chronic fatigue (undiagnosed by the traditional medical community) and a sleep disorder (diagnosed, but with nothing to be done about it.) I’ve tried to live as normal of a life as possible, and I sure am blessed! Abundantly! I’m a thankful and hopeful person, because of Christ in me, but that doesn’t change the fact that my body is constantly going through something I don’t understand. As I’ve landed back at square one, for the tenth time, I have some thoughts I’d like to share that may speak for others in this same difficult place, whether that’s chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, or other diagnosed/undiagnosed pain and health challenges that affect our daily lives and futures.

1. We want you to know we’re doing our best. That we are not lazy. That we are not undisciplined. That we did not bring this on ourselves. That we have studied. That we could write a research paper on what we’ve learned. That we’ve tried a lot of it. That it gets old to hope and try and not get better, but that we keep doing it anyway. That even though we feel miserable, we want to speak positively, but there’s a constant battle between the truth and complaining. That we constantly wonder if we are doing enough, learning enough, changing enough, to be well…while so many around us don’t have to do anything at all to get up feeling good in the morning. Sometimes people say things like, “Well, all you have to do is…”  or “Well, I eat this or that, and I never struggle with…” I have all kinds of patience for this because I AM THAT PERSON! I am the annoying advice giver that people have put up with for years. So I can handle it and it really is okay to offer advice. However, please know, if it were that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this blog at all. I’d be out training for a marathon with my friends or traveling to Nashville for a co-write instead of working through the feelings of a decade of health problems that all the basic cures haven’t touched.

2. We want you to know it hurts to see others affected by our challenges. Call it pride or whatever, but I just want to keep the boundaries of my suffering to myself. But that’s not possible. Those boundaries extend to my children, my husband, my friends, to commitments I’ve made that I can’t keep, to things I wanted to do that I can’t do. When I have to send my family to something, but I can’t go…when my limits like getting home early or not spending the night out of town are imposed on those I love…when a calling has to be set aside because God has not chosen to heal and provide the strength to serve…all painful (and confusing). So when others are affected by my limitations, I want to realize that God is doing a work in them at the same time He’s doing a work in me, and I can’t intervene and fix that anymore than I can get out of my own journey. Here is what our loved ones can do for us: trust God right alongside with us. For our healing, sure, but more than that!! Believe and help us believe that He’s writing our story just the same as He is writing yours, remind your heart and mine that He loves us right where we are, able or unable, sick or well! Know that (even though we don’t even remember this very well) we are not here to accomplish anything besides knowing the Lord and we can do that in a coma. That’s the truth! Everything past knowing Jesus is extra. So while in our flesh we hate to see people missing out on some things because of us, and we want you to know that’s a stress for us, ultimately that’s not our burden to bear. And our sickness is not your burden to bear.

3. We want you to know that we can’t do it all, but WE still don’t know that we can’t do it all. And this brings misunderstanding, and even guilt. Lately I realize I feel guilty for having any fun at all because every other day I’m canceling the thing I was supposed to have with one person, and then keeping my plans with someone else on the next. There are things on the calendar I have to do unless I’m contagious (which is never, because in that way, I’m healthy as a horse), then there are things that I would like to do if I feel well enough. Sadly, the things I have to do take up a large portion of any good hours I have! But I don’t know that until the moment is upon me. I have learned to prepare people that I may cancel at the last minute, which kills me slowly just so you know! It is not easy to predict how you will feel and make plans accordingly. My motto apparently has always been to keep pressing through the exhaustion, because I love being around people, I love singing, I love Sister Bridge, I love going overseas, I love children (especially mine!), and the list goes on. But pressing on and pushing through gets me to one place, eventually, and that place is none other than square one. Other people reach finish lines by pressing through. I reach breaking points that I can’t come back from for months.  I try to weigh out what the recovery time will be, how long I’ll be at that place, how crowded and crazy it could be (hello holidays), how much I could be inspired by being around those people or that activity, how much that group or thing goes along with my callings for this season of my life…these are all ways to find balance, but still, I feel guilty and wonder if people are going to say, “Well, if you could go to that, then you could have gone to this.” I genuinely don’t think its a matter of caring what people think of me, it’s more a matter of hurting someone who thinks I prioritized something or someone over them. (Which I have done and have no choice to continue to do.) We need grace and understanding about this calendar thing. We need people to mean it when they say, “Listen, you take care of yourself, you don’t have to do anything or be anywhere on my account. I am one person you don’t have to worry about pleasing, and I hope you have fun on your good days!”

4. We want you to know that we have no idea how much to tell you about what we’re facing, and we don’t really like talking about it, but sometimes we really need to anyway. We want you to know what’s going on with us. Not down to the details or anything, but everyone wants a few people to really know what’s going on. It’s awkward to talk about, because we don’t want to complain or always be sharing about ourselves or sound like we’re making excuses for not being something we wish we were or wish we could do. We know there are people going through much worse situations. We want to be careful to not turn inward and focus too much on our own stuff. We want to be transparent and let God work through our mess. But we also want to pretend it’s not even there, especially on days we aren’t feeling the weight of it, and that’s got to be confusing to those caring about us. On days we do feel the weight, we’re drowning, but you don’t know that the next day we’re swimming again just fine. You’re like “but I thought…???” Yeah, us too.

5. We are not schizophrenic, it’s just that every week, every day, and sometimes every hour is different. I could feel so clear minded and creative and rested for a couple of hours and then all of a sudden crash. I could wake up crashed and then suddenly feel awesome for no apparent reason. People always say, “Oh, I would have never known you struggled with this” and that’s because most people will only see me on the days or hours I am feeling okay. In those times, I am making plans and enjoying all of my senses and soaking in conversations and seeing my future stretched out ahead of me…Then too much of that happens and I’m grasping for hope that I can ever feel rested again. It’s totally weird, and you don’t have to understand. But it is real, and there is nothing I can do about it.

There’s more to say but I got only a few hours of sleep last night and my brain is super foggy.  My last word on this I hope just covers it all…

My husband, Jack, is pretty fabulous at accepting what I have gone through (and put him through) these past 14 years. I’ve heard him say to as he has officiated several weddings, “If your spouse says the sky they see is red, then you believe that to them the sky is red.” You don’t have to pretend to see a red sky or see a red sky yourself. You don’t have to get it at all, really. But you simply trust that what they are seeing through their eyes is real, period. Jack has had just a few days of tearful exhaustion in his whole entire life, but the man accepts without question or blame that the kind of tiredness I feel even after ridiculous amounts of sleep is mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically painful and deep. I don’t know how he does it, but I’m so thankful. I hope that that’s a gift we all are learning to give to people we love. Accepting them as they are. I fall short so terribly. Sometimes we have to learn how to love over and over again in life, and the first step to that is finding out where people really are and meeting them there. Not where you want them to be, but where they are.

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Adoption and Finances Update :)

Wow, time flies when you’re having fun! And we certainly have been.  My parents so graciously took us on a trip to Disney and the beach, meeting up with my brother, sister in law, and nephews; our families had a blast together! It was a great kick off to the summer…and I couldn’t help but think that maybe it would be our last trip before we get to go to Haiti? Who knows?

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(A little Haitian child–Not anyone we know just to be clear!)

So, an update is overdue for all of our friends and family who have been praying and giving to our adoption!

First of all, a HUGE thanks to all who gave to the Lifesong for Orphans matching grant; we are so happy to report that over $7,000 was given! $3,500 will be added because of the matching grant, making that whole grant about $11,000. We also received a grant from Show Hope for $6,000. We feel so honored to receive these grants and gifts, and are so grateful for the people who wanted to be a part of this. And of course it is not too late!!! These grants, gifts, one yard sale, teaching lessons, selling CDs, plus the savings that by God’s grace we were able to give back in October when we started our adoption all leads us to…drumroll…about $28,000. (Um, can you believe that!!??) We still will need approximately $22,000 for our fundraising efforts to be complete. We are doing one more yard sale, a Both Hands project, and also a concert/silent auction/meal night this summer or fall.

Anyone who feels led to give can make a tax deductible donation to Lifesong for Orphans, with Taylor Family #4310 on the memo line OR online. Their address is PO Box 40 / Gridley, IL 61744. Their website is www.lifesongfororphans.org. Even though the matching grant is complete, it’s definitely not too late to give, and each dollar is a blessing and a reminder to us that we aren’t alone in this. 🙂 God has called certain ones to walk beside us…Such a gift that is in this step of faith!

Second half of the update–Our dossier was officially accepted by Haiti’s government on February 27, 2014. We are hopeful that our adoption will be completed within two years of that date. Our agency (All Blessings International) and Haiti Coordinator are amazing. We genuinely can relax knowing they are doing a great job advocating for children in Haiti, and doing a great job advocating for us as adoptive parents. It is awesome that Haiti allows input from the agency coordinators and the orphanage directors when it comes to making a match; this allows the best matching possible, because these people know the children the best (and through our home study and phone interviews know us also.) We have asked for one or two kids, 0-6 years old at time of referral, either one girl, two girls, or one boy/one girl. If we get two, one will definitely be younger than Yemi (6 in July) but the other could be her age or even a few months older. We wanted to be as flexible as possible and if we do get two children, they will be siblings.

It’s a long journey ahead but it’s kind of like planting a tree. If you want a shady yard and beautiful thick oak trees, you can’t just transplant them! You have to plant little saplings and take care of them and be patient…The point here is that if you never start the process just because you hate how long it takes, well, don’t expect to ever have those shade trees! 🙂 So the seeds have been planted…and a lot is happening behind the scenes while we wait.

I’m just grateful to BE HERE. I’m grateful, SO grateful, to even be IN the process at all. I’m grateful for our agency and my peace of mind. I’m grateful for God’s heart for the sparrow–and that I get to share in the beating of that heart. I’m grateful for people who say, “Thank you for letting me be a part of this!” That blows us away. We are grateful for you. I know we will get to return the love and support as YOU follow HIS great plans for you.