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Freedom, Day Four: Acceptance

Hello Friends!

Here’s my statement for the week–I’ve been dwelling on this for a while actually, especially on days that my Enneagram-labeled-Perfectionism tries to strangle me(!):

“I am free from the shame and disappointment of all that I am not. I accept my self and my life as it is.”

In adopting three little girls over the past nine years, I have spent a lot of time learning and then teaching them how important thoughts are–how important it is to feed our own minds! We have many coping skills and many short mantras to drag our thoughts and feelings out of the valley when frustrations, guilt, or other emotional dilemmas want to take us down.

We have to speak truth to our dear selves! God did not make mistakes in making us…and neither did He make mistakes in what He has called us to do or what our lives look like- past, present, and future. I am often plagued with this overwhelming thought that I should have went a different path with my life, that I would have been more valuable and usable to God if I had done things differently. I wonder why certain parts of my life didn’t “take off” like people thought they would. I blame myself for not working harder or accomplishing something I can be known by. I let my mind wander into confusion, guilt, blame, sadness at what I’m not…until I can no longer see the truth.

But here is truth we can speak to such accusations:

God has written our stories and we are deep into one of those Handwritten chapters right now. He has a plan!

When we gave our lives to God, those lives became HIS.  If we are growing, listening, and obeying to the very best of our knowledge, we can rest in His design and ability to change things when HE wants to.

There are different seasons. Some of the things that are on the back burner might come to the forefront again someday. We aren’t failures just because there is some untapped potential in there!

And lastly, the Holy Spirit. I mean, really. Who do I think I am feeling frustrated that I haven’t done more, been more? I am NOTHING! I am whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to be! I do whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to do! Unless I am living in known sin, do I really think I can surpass what my friend HS wants to do and be in and through me? What a relief to be free and let the Holy Spirit really have control. To be aware of His presence. To see HIM produce HIS fruit in me. To see HIM change me and make more more like Jesus (which mainly looks like me learning humility as I mess up and apologize 10,000 times).

We can accept our selves and our lives as they are as we stay in connection with Him because He is big enough and good enough to lead us if and when it is time. Our life is not a frantic race to do things for God. It is a daily opportunity to be loved, love the Lord and others, and live in specific obedience.

No regrets!

 

 

 

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Sometime In This Lifetime

Hey, friends!

I don’t write often about our adoption for several reasons. One, it’s kind of like when the Bible says “Mary pondered all these things in her heart.” A mother’s heart is a deep well, and sometimes it’s just hard to talk about, hard to draw from. Two, there’s not much to tell in regard to an update as we simply wait for a referral. And three, we learned from our first adoption to not tell people much in the way of details because those details will change and rarely for the better, then you have to remember who you told and re-update them. Not fun.

Today, I’m writing just to inform people, especially those bless-ed people who are praying for us and the children we will someday adopt! We’re, for the first time in 18 months, in what I would call a discouraging place. On one hand, we have been told news that is wonderful, the kind of things expectant parents want to hear…all in all, children are coming home from Haiti on a regular basis, there’s not any “problems” in our particular case, and the country’s adoption process while slow is definitely growing in steadiness. On the other hand though, we’ve been told news that is saddening- my expectations on the timeline were misguided. I can’t go into detail but in all of the unknowns in adoption, there were a few pieces of info I was told had been very stable. Not anymore. I tried so hard to not have expectations. I tried so hard to keep a heart of surrender, knowing God’s timing is perfect.

It’s time to re-adjust my vision and the process I expected to go through to get to these kids. Like I have said in past blogs, I’m genuinely mostly sad for these children who will sit and wait so much longer, knowing they have parents waiting for them but not able to come for them. It’s tragic. I have to admit it makes me wonder if we should have gotten involved in this process, and then I think, “Really? So you really think it would have been better to just leave them there forever?” We’ve entered into their suffering, we chose to be a part. We chose to carry it with them. Sometimes it does feel like more than I should have taken on, but I do not hear the Lord saying to quit.

I guess I’m writing this blog today to say there are some really dark seasons in adopting.  God’s Word has been my ally all this time, and I’ll be turning to it even more so now!

He reminds me of Matthew 10 a lot. Verse 30 talks about His care for the sparrows and how we are worth much more than sparrows…

Verse 39 says if we try to live on the safe side in order to keep our life (keep our sanity! Our happiness! Our will and our way!) we’ll only lose it, but if we lose our life for His purposes, we find Life. Capital L life. Life in the unseen, a pipeline to joy and hope that lifts our eyes above this world.

And then Jesus shares in Verse 42 that anyone who would give even a cup of cold water to these little ones would “certainly not lose His reward.” We’re not doing this for rewards but I am grateful for the reminder that Jesus is for this. Undoubtedly.