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Sorting Out the Screens Issue

Before I get started on this today, let me just remind you – I’m no expert. I’m no influencer. I haven’t researched this topic. I’m just living my little life. And on the topic of phones, I’m feeling like I have to brainstorm or process or something…anyone with me?

I walk into the room and my 15 year old has the “kids” phone (which does not have a search engine, only has approved contacts, has no social media except her own YouTube channel, and time limits on every app) in her hands…just like she did about an hour ago when I walked through that room.

My 13 year old is staring at her MP3 player which does nothing but play music, the DuoLingo app, math games, and screensavers galore to change her Home Screen every few minutes. Those are probably not called screensavers anymore. Oh, well.

I carry my phone around if anyone in my household isn’t home, because I have forgotten my children’s pick up times before and am petrified I will do it again. Lately, I also carry it around because I’m wanting some credit for taking steps. (What a weird time we live in!) Even if I go days or weeks without using Facebook or Instagram, my two social media outlets of choice, to share stuff and keep up with people, I still feel like the amount of genuine work and ministry I do from my phone is a large portion of my day. So, at any point, I may have my head down into my phone, too. I may pull it out in every line I wait in. I may even pull it out at a red light. Right in front of my kids.

This is not good.

I don’t want myself or my family to be like this.

Here’s the way I want to think – Three main categories of change here:

  1. Instead of battling what I don’t like or want to see my family doing with screens (and I’m not talking about anything bad or immoral, I’m just talking about sheer time on it or it being an immediate remedy for boredom), I want to increase our passion for other things, other ways of communication, and more connection. I want to shine some light on hobbies, face-to-face interaction, nature, exercise…
  2. We need to unapologetically set and keep boundaries around screen time, be it the TV, a phone or MP3 player, a computer, or a gaming station.
  3. If we are going to have screens, I want to see them put to good use.

This is nothing new. Maybe we have done this well before and forgot about it; maybe life got busy and we don’t want to make changes because then, as adults, we would have to make changes, too. But here are some things I want to consider trying and I would love your ideas to be added in the comments, please!

For #1 –

Especially in the summer and weekends – Ask kids and teens: “What are four things you want to accomplish each day (that don’t require a screen unless it is studying for a driver’s test or something else that can only be done online-many of these ideas would utilize YouTube, see #3)?” If they can’t come up with anything, some ideas are art projects, chores, planting/gardening, earning money, extra instrument practice, learning a new skill, walking to a certain point in the neighborhood, reading their Bible, competing with pushups and sit-ups, even having lunch outside every day they can! We can print out free calendar pages and help them get organized with what they want to learn or do personally,

Also, we can ask them: “What are some things you would like to do as a family or with friends this weekend/summer?” Are these recurring or “just once” type of things? See what you can put on your calendar to create things to look forward to together. We have a big family, so it takes a long time to get everyone’s wishes granted…but having things on the calendar to do together helps keep boredom away. I think this is because my family actually does enjoy down time and being home, and will make the most of those days if they know we will be busy other days. Ah, finding balance…one of my favorite words!

In our family, we don’t have a lot of traditions or weekly rituals, but on Sunday mornings we go to church, then have dinner at 6pm together, then watch an episode of the Chosen and open up our Bibles to talk and pray together. Just a couple “sticking points” in the week are wonderful. Right now, this is our main one, but I would like to have just a bit more.

For #2 –

We already have a firm rule of 2 hours of screen time a day. That is easy to follow in regard to “computer/PlayStation time” and “tv time” but it is getting more and more tricky in regard to the “kids” phone, which is mainly for when someone goes to an event and needs a phone with them, and the MP3 player. Obviously, my college student is doing her own thing; it’s my high schooler and middle schooler we are still doing this with and I plan to until they graduate! (That doesn’t mean they won’t have their own phone when they are driving and 16; it just means we still plan to have at least some limits on everything on that phone until they graduate.)

One way to help with the “kids” phone is that each app has a time limit on it internally, set by my husband, Jack. Also, the MP3 player and phone lock at a certain time each evening, as well as charge in our room beginning at 9:30pm.

We have a strict no phones and computers in bedrooms policy. Even when friends come over, I ask them to keep their iPads or phones out of the bedrooms and basically just in their backpack until they need to talk to parents. Sometimes this works out okay, sometimes it is super awkward, but y’all we have been through some THINGS. Have you? Do you know what I mean? Also, anytime computers (homework, YouTube, anything) are being used, they sit somewhere with the screen open to the room and anyone walking by.

I have heard of great filters like Bark that can seek out key words in texts on kids and teens phones. I recently heard, and have experienced, that the greatest danger to mental health right now for girls is being on group chats with other girls. Homeschool moms, I’m talking to you, too. I’m sorry, but it’s true, and it’s worth saying!

I’ve also heard of some parents having their kids fill out their “stuff they have to do first” form before getting to use a phone or any device that day; that would include a certain amount of time doing chores, exercising, reading, being outside, walking the dog, eating, whatever they need a little motivation to get done to have a good day! I like that and if we are ever home long enough to need this, we will do it!

Now, limits for us adults…

Should we just use regular alarm clocks and keep our phones across the room?

If our family is home, maybe we can set our phones on the charger in another room and just have family time without the distraction of “oh I can look that up because it just crossed my mind, but oh also, I forgot you were sitting here trying to spend time with me!”

I have had seasons where I made “office time” with my phone, and didn’t check email or texts until those times of day. I especially did this when homeschooling because all my kids were home and couldn’t possibly be calling or texting me in need! Now this is a little trickier but I can at least have self control to not open messages until set office times.

I join the cry I am hearing around me: “It was not meant to be this way! I was not meant to be accessible every minute of my life!” We used to leave our phone connected to the wall all day, every day. We used to sit down at a computer once for the night or if we worked at a computer all day, we certainly didn’t want to see it when we got home. We are overstimulated…but low on joy, communication, shared interests and feelings, and purpose, when we are existing in this constant-interaction-online life. We can put limits on our apps, too, and we can go old-school on some things anytime we want, like pedometers instead of watches and phones, or CD players, or cookbooks, or paper calendars, or greeting cards. (I know, I’m talking crazy.) 🙂

But really, are there changes we would want to truly make to not just give in to this?

For #3 –

Yes, so definitely there are ways to redeem these screens! Praise God! Here are some great uses for the screens if we can direct ourselves and our kids to them…

The Bible app has great devotion plans and the Bible can be read aloud.

YouTube, with a filter on your Internet, can be used for SO MANY neat hobbies and skills like crocheting, painting, guitar, singing, memorizing scripture, amazing videos about nature and space, dancing, building Legos, and learning a new language. If my girls are learning something, I don’t usually count this as screen time for them.

The Dwell app and Pause app are both great for meditating on what is good, calming down, and enjoying life for those of us (or our kids) who need reminders to do this!

I am enriched by podcasts such as Katherine Wolf and Jess Connelly; I am thankful for praise music on Apple Music or wherever. It’s great to be able to share prayer needs and encourage one another. But even this can be too much. God has given us a certain territory. I got off Facebook for months and months because I knew the perimeters of praying and serving God had put on my life, and I had no more margin to care and feel for anything else.

Right Now Media is the “Netflix” of Bible Studies and great videos for all ages.

VidAngel Is just about the best invention ever. For $10 a month, it filters all the garbage out of your Amazon Prime or Netflix (and other streaming) TV/Movies. I don’t watch TV without it.

I’m sure you all have more ideas and I would love to hear them. This blog post might seem ridiculous to you – but I find myself floating on this river of life, where all my people are also floating and kind of hanging onto each other like in the Lazy River where you grab each other’s feet to stay close…Am I leading well if I just let this river take over? Are we learning to truly work, serve, play, and rest well with so much attention, time, and activities done with screens?

It’s worth sitting on the bank for a bit, to pray, think, and decide, rather than just let the current have its way.

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Freedom, Day Two: Serving

Oh my, how this can be a tricky subject. Christians definitely fall on every point of the spectrum in regard to service in the church and the world. There are those who believe no amount of sacrifice is ever enough and there are those who believe no sacrifice is necessary because we are just here to glorify God by enjoying life. Despite what we are told sometimes, this is what God is telling me:

I’m free to serve with the strength and resources God provides, and I reject all compulsion to do more.

See, I’m extremely sensitive to this Christian pep rally thing where we come together and someone yells at us to do more and be more for the Kingdom. Jesus speaks to me in a whisper. He knows my heart and He knows your’s, too. When you give your life to Him, there should be a constant unraveling of your life and your wants as He builds the tapestry of your new life, the one that looks more like Him and His wants. If that’s not happening, talk to Him about it! If you aren’t more compelled on the inside to live an unselfish life, Jesus’s life is not being formed in you and y’all do need to have a talk! He will gently do that transformation; He’s the only One who can. But being told no matter how tired you are, no matter what you’re going through, you should be fostering kids, you should be giving more money, you should be teaching this class…nope, nope, and nope. The only “should” I can say is that if you are a believer, you should be spending time with Him in the Word and then you will grow in using your gifts and sacrificing how He says to.

Just to unpack this a quick minute more:

There is fleshly compulsion and there is Holy Spirit conviction. (Very different!)

There is serving to be known and needed, and there is serving for an audience of One.

There is a mentality of prayer and wisdom, and there’s the mentality of “Well, this has to get done and no one else will do it.”

There’s trust that God really does have the causes you care about under control, and there’s the blaming and judging of others (or yourself) for not doing enough.

A few questions you can ask yourself when trying to decide if you are being convicted by the Holy Spirit or just a victim of guilt and compulsion:

-Has God given me the time, strength, and resources to do this ministry, to invest in this relationship, to take on this task or commitment?

-Are there other commitments He has given me that would clearly be ignored or done poorly if I do this?

-Is there anything I can rearrange financially or in the schedule that is possibly self-serving or a little too focused on my family, in order to make a space for this opportunity to serve? 

2 Corinthians 9:6-15 and 1 Peter 4:7-19 have much more to say on this topic, and I encourage you to check these passages out! When we serve in the strength He provides, we are a loving and even happy member of community giving all the glory to God. Is that the model you see in your church? Is that how people would describe you? 

It can be.

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Freedom, Day One: Balance

So, really quickly, I’ll start by saying about a year ago, the Lord really began speaking to me about freedom–how there is so much freedom He wants to give for my life but I had to take hold of it for myself! I had to face areas I was struggling in (I was amazed at how many there were when I really sat down and thought about it) and I had to hear His truth that wanted to set me free.

What I’d like to do in this “blog series” is share my specific “pillars of freedom”. I’m so excited to know these truths and seek to remind myself of them when I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or confined. Anybody out there ever need just one sentence to hang onto, for real? Well, here we go with the first one I scribbled down as this process began:

“I am free to mess up in my search for balance.”

AAH! Thank You, Lord! We are free to mess up in our search for balance. Whether it’s trying to eat healthy or not spread yourself too thin amongst work and home, friends and family, the takers and the givers in your life, balance is so incredibly hard. You want to go with your gut feeling sometimes instead of your to-do list. You want to live on the wild side (get that tattoo, spend that money, eat that cake for the love!) but you also want to not freak people out, actually have money, and lose a few pounds by this darn particular date!

My big balance issue has to do with being a tired introvert and genuinely, desperately, needing time alone to think, sleep, be quiet, read, write, sing, be. But I am a homeschooling mom of four and my husband is an extrovert (of course!) Just when I’m done teaching, putting out emotional fires and making the 33rd meal of the day (or is it just 3? Really??), there’s always more…and I love it all, I love them all, but in the end, I may have 1.5 hours a day to myself, which is used for the most part for self-care necessities. And that’s great, I’m lucky to have that. But the balance, for me, is off.

And while we are working on it, there is freedom to get it wrong. To go too far one way. To even fall on the tightrope altogether. It’s not crazy to take (literal) notes about what worked in a particular week’s search for balance, and journal about what did not. We must evolve and learn as we sink and swim. But man, doesn’t it feel good to take the guilt away when we don’t get it right? The lack of balance is a life-sucker, but the guilt about not being able to figure it out is even more of one.

God came to set us free from guilt, shame, and condemnation. Are you becoming more like Jesus in your days, even if you don’t please everyone’s expectations or even your own? Are you growing in connection with Him and seeing some fruit of the Spirit? THIS is what life is about–not some perfect balance!

We are free to mess up in our search for balance.

Thank You, Lord.