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Respecting Our Kids (Part Three: How)

As God’s Word says, out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If our hearts are full of frustration, no matter what words we say, the emotion will seep out, too. Our respectful behavior will only come from a genuine heart change and daily renewal from the Lord. I just wanted to remind you of these truths before I jump into these examples of what I am learning respect looks like!

Here we go…

1. Listening well. If we don’t have time for this, what are we doing? And sometimes our listening isn’t even about hearing actual words…sometimes the listening is more like discerning what needs and feelings their behavior is communicating.

2. Getting to know them and not assuming we already do. Letting them have their own thoughts and opinions and realizing they’re equal to ours.  Make some room. It’s disrespectful to interrupt, interrogate, jump to conclusions, think we’re better, and give swift judgments.

3. Thinking before we talk. Thinking about where our words will take the conversation. Our words can give them hope that they can come to a workable solution in every single instance, whether they are 3 or 13 or 33. Our words can show we believe in them, that they have what it takes to do this hard thing! It is disrespectful to lecture thoughtlessly until we run out of words and it’ll only make us more aggravated as they lose attention anyway.

4. Staying calm and kind. Not making an enormous deal out of everything. It’s disrespectful not to mention frightening to have this big person (who is driven by the thoughts “It’s the principle of the matter” and “They should know better!) glaring at you, talking at you in an aggravated tone, and handing out punishments until their sense of justice is satisfied.

5. Having a plan for discipline that they understand and can expect is respectful. It’s disrespectful to surprise kids with a random disconnected punishment that doesn’t make sense and wasn’t ever mentioned before, like “You got a clip down at school again so you aren’t going to that sleepover tonight.” Punishments are necessary sometimes! But we can be a part of helping our children dig to the core of the problem and work it out instead of just punishing it. For example, what was the clip down for? It may be that we need to have a pretend class room at home and practice whatever the situation was that brought about the clip down. Now, it may happen that the only time to do that is during the family tv show time before bed, sadly, because school night evenings are pretty busy. That may seem like a punishment, to miss the show, and it is, technically, but it’s more of a natural consequence showing that fun is often squeezed out when we have to take the time to re-do something we did not handle well our first chance. Punishments that don’t fit the crime, that distance kids from parents, that are harsh and not well thought out, and that are surprising, are disrespectful.

6. There are so many more examples, but I’m over my 500 words big-time! Last but not least, we show respect by enjoying our kids and letting them know we enjoy them, by highlighting the good, and amplifying it like we hope others in our lives will do for us.

 

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Respecting Your Kids (Part Two: Why)

So in the past two blogs, we have talked about how respect is one of the most important ways we can put action to the words “I love you”, what types of behaviors we see in our kids, how we tend to respond, and some of the ways our hearts need to change for better relationships.

It’s not easy and it may feel uncomfortable. It may feel like you’re focusing on the wrong thing and letting bad behavior slide. But here’s why parenting with respect is so vital:

1. They’re human beings. If you’re a boss of an office full of adults, there are certain ways you go about getting them to comply and certain ways you don’t, and those “ways” have everything to do with general courtesy and respect. If you’re the boss, you set the tone in the office for how people are going to interact. Same for a parent. If we want a house with no yelling, no muttering mean things under breath, no hurtful sarcasm, no interrupting and talking over each other, no harsh judgment or interrogation, and no heightened negative emotions brimming over in our speech, it’ll start with us. We live in a world right now where being a human being isn’t enough reason to show love and respect to one another. We have to change that! We will see respect if we set the tone for it with our own words and actions.

2. We need to learn to show respect to our kids because respect opens up their heart and mind. Lectures and punishments literally shut down parts of their brains, and we can see it in their eyes! They either lash out or retreat in, but either way, we see it, and we keep going because we don’t know what else to do to make a bad behavior stop. Respect, shown by listening, gentleness, affection, and other efforts to show unconditional positive regard, relax their mind and heart (literally!) and give us a way in. The heart is where the real change happens, and respect is an open door into their heart.

3. Respect raises a child’s self-image and what they think of themselves. When we show them and say out loud to them, “You’re worth my time and attention, you are not a problem”, that becomes a part of their identity. We want others in their lives to see their worth, right? When they are grown we will expect them to even demand that from their spouse or co-workers, right? We have to recognize their worth ourselves and teach it to them now.

4.  Respect builds trust. They begin to believe that whether they’ve messed up or not, whether they’ve done something acceptable or the opposite this time, they still belong. Instead of always feeling like they have to strain to achieve that secure spot, they begin to believe they are already living in it. Then their choices and actions will reflect that status.

Kids (and adults) hear a lot of lies in their heads about not being good enough, not being loved, not belonging. In so many people, that’s just there…a sense of it always there. It really breaks my heart. We have the chance and the power to speak against those lies with everyone we come in contact with, and especially our children, through showing them respect that is unrelated to what they do or don’t do.

 

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Respecting Our Kids (Part One: The Struggle)

Okay, let me paint a picture for you and then you can see if you’re reading the right blog 🙂

One or more of your children seems to need more attention than you think they should require at their age. They have one or more of these characteristics: They tend to be destructive. They lose, break, cut, and color on things. They tend to whine or fall apart at instruction. They are opinionated and don’t go with the flow. They lie sometimes, and their response to being found out is one of confusion. They have a hard time looking you in the eye and staying focused on more than one sentence at a time. Certain things really bug them, like socks being too big or noise or even hugs.  They don’t remember something they seemed to have grasped last week. They get anxious about learning new things. They aren’t compliant sometimes with simple things like putting on shoes or finishing their drink. They seem to disregard instructions, either forgetting or not prioritizing them. They’re often in a bad mood even when their lives seem quite fun and easy.

Even if these aren’t characteristics of any of your children, do you recognize any of the following characteristics in yourself?

You don’t know how to respond when your child did something irresponsible or flat out disobedient or is throwing a loud fit. Your first move is to give a lecture and a punishment. Your main priority is that they simply never do that behavior again. You ask “What were you thinking?” a lot. You holler from across the house what they need to be doing. You threaten time-outs and spankings without actually getting up from your chair. You feel angry, aggravated, and powerless. You give mean looks. Your expectations are rarely met.

Well, I’ve been there, I admit it. In fact, in order to implement the changes I have been learning about, I needed to grow in humility and have a major heart change. Here are just a few pieces to the heart-change puzzle for me:

  1. I had to recognize I don’t show love and acceptance to my children just as they are, right smack in the middle of their problems, and that’s not okay. I had to realize I was holding back smiles and warm, kind eyes from them when they disappointed me, and that’s not okay.  I was saying, “We’re your forever family, you belong with us, we love you!” but acting like “You better shape up, kid, and I’ll be keeping you at arm’s length until you do.” I truly had to repent.
  2. I had to let go of my expectations of them based on their age or what “should be” their maturity level. So many of my angry moments were spurred by this thought: “You should know better. You should do better.” I had to let go of the “shoulds” and accept what is, choosing to rise to the challenge. (P.S. None of us like to be “shoulded”…either we achieve something or we don’t, “shoulding” just makes people feel less.)
  3. I had to realize children are unique little people with quirks, idiosyncrasies, struggles, habits, and opinions, just like me, and they deserve the same acceptance and unconditional kindness and respect that I expect from others. They’re complex! They aren’t my canvas to paint on, they are their own, and we don’t really even know them until we make the effort to stop changing them.
  4. I had to understand there are real biological or psychological reasons behind some of those behaviors and difficulties, and grow in knowledge and compassion.
  5. I had to accept that it was my responsibility to set a new tone, make a new plan, and bring healing through our interactions instead of hurt and distance.

 

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Respecting Our Kids (Intro)

Wow, my thoughts about this topic are completely commandeering my morning. If I sound especially passionate in my writing today it’s because God is digging deep in the garden of my heart…and because of my spiritual gifts of teaching and encouraging, I feel like I have to share.

First of all, my ideas of parenting changed completely through attending an Empowered to Connect seminar in April 2015 and then continuing to study and practice their teaching all summer. This training is specifically for parents and caretakers of children from hard places, whether that’s a foster care situation, trauma at an early age, or adoption. It’s for families who are raising kids who have experienced loss at a time they needed attachment and someone they could trust the most. But as I listened and as I have learned this summer, I have grown to believe this way of relating is for EVERYONE! It has revolutionized my home and now is revolutionizing my heart, affecting every relationship, beyond my children…and the real key to it all is respect. Yes, love, of course. But one of the ways love is shown is through the multi-faceted concept of respect.

Every person wants to feel respected, like they matter, like they are an equal, and like their voice is worthy of being heard. Every person needs to be able to share how they are feeling without fear of punishment. Every person deserves this and innately desires this, because we’re made in the image of God and by the hands of God! Whether we struggle at times with this concept of self image or not, something inside of us is always pushing us to know we are special and precious.

Is it possible that we teach our kids they are fearfully and wonderfully made, as Psalm 139 tells us, and expect them to grow up to have a great self-esteem, but then talk to them on a daily basis like we would talk to no other human being on this planet? I say every child needs respect whether they come from hard places or not, whether they’re fragile in the area of feeling like they belong or not, because it doesn’t matter how steady and strong your foundation is, none of us appreciate a lack of respect being shown to us and when there is a lack of respect we struggle to respond correctly in that moment. When the cashier says in an exhausted, sarcastic tone, “Are you gonna swipe your card or what?” When your spouse says, “I know I told you I would do this, but I did this instead…I’ll do your thing later.” When the person you were in a fender bender with yells, “What is wrong with you?” The three attitudes behind these examples…I have had them all with my children at times and that makes me sad.

It is possible to raise children with respect without them thinking they are in control and equal in regard to running the household. Here’s the good news: They don’t want to be in control and they don’t want to run the household. They simply want their ideas and words to be listened to, their feelings and desires considered, and to be spoken to and treated with unconditional positive regard.

This week I’ll be sharing blogs about this topic and will give examples of how we can change disrespectful habits into life giving, connecting interactions with our kids. I hope I can relay to you how imperfect I am at this, yet how much reward I already am receiving — I can see it in their eyes.

Being respected is being loved.

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Learning to Trust

As I have talked about to pretty much anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me this summer, God is doing a major work in my life and that work is all about learning to trust Him!

 

First, I had to find out that I didn’t really trust Him…

then I had to find out why not…

then I had to seek His Word to reconcile how I felt with what I say I believe…

and now I get up every morning to face the situations that will drive those truths deeper and deeper into my inner being.

 

This is what is on my mind as I think about a situation I am having to face right now! I want to share this because I think it’s a good example of how truth can meet us in the middle of suffering.

Last year around this time, I had to have a medical procedure. I am not a wimp at all when it comes to pain, but this was a bad situation, and it took me awhile to get over it emotionally and physically. Yesterday, I went back to the surgeon and I have to have another similar surgery. It isn’t going to be in an emergency setting like last time, so I am grateful for that, but still, I’m really having a hard time accepting that I have to “go there” again. All of a sudden, I physically feel tired and like I want to cry all the time. It’s really affecting me!

 

But part of what I’ve been learning in this “trust process” is that a large amount of the pain we feel in suffering is our fear of it. This is the part that gets me pretty fired up. See, the enemy wants us to get caught up in being angry at God when we suffer, but the truth is that fear comes from Satan and it does not have to be a part of our suffering experience.  The part of suffering we can have power over, the part of suffering God is cheering us on to take power over, is here in our inner man. A spirit of fear does not have to accompany us in the trials of life; we can resist against his lies, and walk in freedom in the middle of the circumstance.

So that’s the part of suffering we can do battle against…but I believe there’s also a part of suffering we are encouraged to accept.

A large part of the pain we feel in suffering is our rejection of it.

Think of Job. Think of Jesus. Think of John. Think of Paul. They all understood that their suffering was allowed very purposefully and strategically by God, and while they were real and honest about the pain, they accepted it. They took the cup and drank it. They weren’t shocked by it, and they didn’t act like they were somehow too good for it. They wanted their suffering to achieve every high purpose God had in mind for it.

Amen?

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sister Bridge 2015

Hi Friends!

I just wanted to write a quick message to say that this Fall I won’t be having Sister Bridge parties, but hope to pick the ministry back up again if the Lord allows in a few years. We are investing our time right now in adopting two more little children, and my attention is needed here for the time being.

Having said that, that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to buy items or even have Sister Bridge parties yourself if you would like to! I would love to connect you to the wonderful ministries we have represented over the years! Please just email me from this website’s “Contact Me” page and I will happily write you back with all you need to know.

I love Timbali Crafts, Beads of Java, Cooperative Outreach of India, New Hope for Cambodian Children, and Rahab’s Rope and I hope you will visit their websites and stay in touch with these wonderful ministries!

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Breaking Through The Fog

Surely I’m not the only one to feel the fog. That uncomfortable state of feeling unconnected to anyone, even yourself, and definitely God. You can’t remember the truths you always fall back on for comfort, and you can say the words but they don’t mean anything at the moment.

Some days you wake and the fog is not there; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually you’re alive and awake with light feet, no dragging. Aren’t those the greatest days?

There was a voice in my head, and then a literal voice of a friend, saying to me like a lighthouse in the middle of this fog:

“But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith!” Jude :20

Yes! Truth my brain could grasp! There is something I can do while I wait this out!

Like when you have a cold or some other sickness that weakens your senses and resolve and enthusiasm for life, you build up your immune system. You do purposeful things to get strong again, to treat your body to some kindness and goodness and wellness. You take extra vitamin C, get extra sleep, eat extra veggies and fruit, stay hydrated with echinacea  or super triple antioxidant berry tea–whatever it is, you find ways to physically put into your body whatever it needs. Why does it need the extra TLC right now? Who knows! The stresses of life is probably a sufficient enough answer! It doesn’t matter WHY your body is a mess and needs the time of strengthening, it just does, and we do what we need to do.

The same is true for our spiritual nutrition, our spiritual immune system. The stresses of life want to take us down for the count! The enemy wants to take us down for the count! But we have a defense; we can build ourselves up in our most holy faith. We can surround ourselves with truth and hear it, say it, read it, sing it, gulp it down like a giant bottle of Emergen-C.

He takes care of the rest.

Do we feel better immediately after a dose of physical nutrition? Not necessarily. But it is doing something internally that will benefit us at a later date. The same thing goes with the Word, worship, prayer, putting on our armor, soaking. In the unseen, battles are being fought, faith is being built. We are reminding the enemy and ourselves that there is action we can take against the moods and stress and stuff of this temporal life when we choose to build ourselves up in our most holy faith.

Whether we wake up to fog or a brilliantly blue sky, we’re not a slave to whatever we wake up to. The grey does not own us. We have everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3); we can choose today to fortify ourselves for tomorrow. And of course our efforts are only a small part of how we are reached by His goodness; He promises that every day His mercies are new (Lam. 3:23)!

May we, by His grace, commit ourselves to reaching forward and grasping them!

 

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Your Voice

Sometimes at the beginning of a new year, the Lord will give me a word, phrase, or picture that brings life into focus.

This year, it is simply that He is like a magnet. He is the force inside of me that is my only hope of gravitating toward wisdom, gratefulness, and loving Him and others. I realize sometimes that it has been so long since I asked for help in some areas; I keep trying so hard, working so hard…And then when I ask, there He is, the gravitational force inside of me steering me toward being what I could not be on my own. This is the power of Christ in me! This is the mystery of saying, “I cannot do that…but I am.”

He IS the Life inside this body. He is the fire.

And He is also the magnet that continuously seeks to draw me close. It’s not me. It’s Him. Oh, it’s all His never tiring grace! Let’s succumb to the never tiring grace, my friends!

 

I wanted to share a little of a song I’m still in the process of writing:

 

Like a memory

like a beacon

like a magnet

You’re seeking

whom Your heart desires

something in me catches fire again

Your voice it calls me in

 

It’s not us, it never was…that seeks Him, that blesses others, that speaks truth, that ministers, that makes holy choices, that knows which way to go. It’s His voice, it’s His kindness, it’s His real life really living inside of us.

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This Year Video

 

This is a song I wrote several years ago but haven’t had a lot of opportunity to share it! It is my heart’s desire for this coming year though! I have always loved New Years…It is fun to reflect on the past year, but also wave goodbye to it in setting our faces toward the year to come. Whatever we have endured this year, God has used to grow us in maturity and perseverance. Whatever we will endure this coming year, God will be faithful, present, and at work. As believers, we dwell in a win-win situation. There is always healing, in God’s right and wise timetable. There is always hope, as we learn to hope with Him for the things on His heart. There is always enough, as our goals are aligned with His. He never fails at what He sets out to do…so this year, I choose to go with Him! Nothing held back from His gaze and power.

Blessings on your New Year!

 

 

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5 Things People With Chronic Illness Want You To Know

Writing Tools

For fourteen years, ever since my last couple of months living in Africa, I have struggled off and on with symptoms of chronic fatigue (undiagnosed by the traditional medical community) and a sleep disorder (diagnosed, but with nothing to be done about it.) I’ve tried to live as normal of a life as possible, and I sure am blessed! Abundantly! I’m a thankful and hopeful person, because of Christ in me, but that doesn’t change the fact that my body is constantly going through something I don’t understand. As I’ve landed back at square one, for the tenth time, I have some thoughts I’d like to share that may speak for others in this same difficult place, whether that’s chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, or other diagnosed/undiagnosed pain and health challenges that affect our daily lives and futures.

1. We want you to know we’re doing our best. That we are not lazy. That we are not undisciplined. That we did not bring this on ourselves. That we have studied. That we could write a research paper on what we’ve learned. That we’ve tried a lot of it. That it gets old to hope and try and not get better, but that we keep doing it anyway. That even though we feel miserable, we want to speak positively, but there’s a constant battle between the truth and complaining. That we constantly wonder if we are doing enough, learning enough, changing enough, to be well…while so many around us don’t have to do anything at all to get up feeling good in the morning. Sometimes people say things like, “Well, all you have to do is…”  or “Well, I eat this or that, and I never struggle with…” I have all kinds of patience for this because I AM THAT PERSON! I am the annoying advice giver that people have put up with for years. So I can handle it and it really is okay to offer advice. However, please know, if it were that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this blog at all. I’d be out training for a marathon with my friends or traveling to Nashville for a co-write instead of working through the feelings of a decade of health problems that all the basic cures haven’t touched.

2. We want you to know it hurts to see others affected by our challenges. Call it pride or whatever, but I just want to keep the boundaries of my suffering to myself. But that’s not possible. Those boundaries extend to my children, my husband, my friends, to commitments I’ve made that I can’t keep, to things I wanted to do that I can’t do. When I have to send my family to something, but I can’t go…when my limits like getting home early or not spending the night out of town are imposed on those I love…when a calling has to be set aside because God has not chosen to heal and provide the strength to serve…all painful (and confusing). So when others are affected by my limitations, I want to realize that God is doing a work in them at the same time He’s doing a work in me, and I can’t intervene and fix that anymore than I can get out of my own journey. Here is what our loved ones can do for us: trust God right alongside with us. For our healing, sure, but more than that!! Believe and help us believe that He’s writing our story just the same as He is writing yours, remind your heart and mine that He loves us right where we are, able or unable, sick or well! Know that (even though we don’t even remember this very well) we are not here to accomplish anything besides knowing the Lord and we can do that in a coma. That’s the truth! Everything past knowing Jesus is extra. So while in our flesh we hate to see people missing out on some things because of us, and we want you to know that’s a stress for us, ultimately that’s not our burden to bear. And our sickness is not your burden to bear.

3. We want you to know that we can’t do it all, but WE still don’t know that we can’t do it all. And this brings misunderstanding, and even guilt. Lately I realize I feel guilty for having any fun at all because every other day I’m canceling the thing I was supposed to have with one person, and then keeping my plans with someone else on the next. There are things on the calendar I have to do unless I’m contagious (which is never, because in that way, I’m healthy as a horse), then there are things that I would like to do if I feel well enough. Sadly, the things I have to do take up a large portion of any good hours I have! But I don’t know that until the moment is upon me. I have learned to prepare people that I may cancel at the last minute, which kills me slowly just so you know! It is not easy to predict how you will feel and make plans accordingly. My motto apparently has always been to keep pressing through the exhaustion, because I love being around people, I love singing, I love Sister Bridge, I love going overseas, I love children (especially mine!), and the list goes on. But pressing on and pushing through gets me to one place, eventually, and that place is none other than square one. Other people reach finish lines by pressing through. I reach breaking points that I can’t come back from for months.  I try to weigh out what the recovery time will be, how long I’ll be at that place, how crowded and crazy it could be (hello holidays), how much I could be inspired by being around those people or that activity, how much that group or thing goes along with my callings for this season of my life…these are all ways to find balance, but still, I feel guilty and wonder if people are going to say, “Well, if you could go to that, then you could have gone to this.” I genuinely don’t think its a matter of caring what people think of me, it’s more a matter of hurting someone who thinks I prioritized something or someone over them. (Which I have done and have no choice to continue to do.) We need grace and understanding about this calendar thing. We need people to mean it when they say, “Listen, you take care of yourself, you don’t have to do anything or be anywhere on my account. I am one person you don’t have to worry about pleasing, and I hope you have fun on your good days!”

4. We want you to know that we have no idea how much to tell you about what we’re facing, and we don’t really like talking about it, but sometimes we really need to anyway. We want you to know what’s going on with us. Not down to the details or anything, but everyone wants a few people to really know what’s going on. It’s awkward to talk about, because we don’t want to complain or always be sharing about ourselves or sound like we’re making excuses for not being something we wish we were or wish we could do. We know there are people going through much worse situations. We want to be careful to not turn inward and focus too much on our own stuff. We want to be transparent and let God work through our mess. But we also want to pretend it’s not even there, especially on days we aren’t feeling the weight of it, and that’s got to be confusing to those caring about us. On days we do feel the weight, we’re drowning, but you don’t know that the next day we’re swimming again just fine. You’re like “but I thought…???” Yeah, us too.

5. We are not schizophrenic, it’s just that every week, every day, and sometimes every hour is different. I could feel so clear minded and creative and rested for a couple of hours and then all of a sudden crash. I could wake up crashed and then suddenly feel awesome for no apparent reason. People always say, “Oh, I would have never known you struggled with this” and that’s because most people will only see me on the days or hours I am feeling okay. In those times, I am making plans and enjoying all of my senses and soaking in conversations and seeing my future stretched out ahead of me…Then too much of that happens and I’m grasping for hope that I can ever feel rested again. It’s totally weird, and you don’t have to understand. But it is real, and there is nothing I can do about it.

There’s more to say but I got only a few hours of sleep last night and my brain is super foggy.  My last word on this I hope just covers it all…

My husband, Jack, is pretty fabulous at accepting what I have gone through (and put him through) these past 14 years. I’ve heard him say to as he has officiated several weddings, “If your spouse says the sky they see is red, then you believe that to them the sky is red.” You don’t have to pretend to see a red sky or see a red sky yourself. You don’t have to get it at all, really. But you simply trust that what they are seeing through their eyes is real, period. Jack has had just a few days of tearful exhaustion in his whole entire life, but the man accepts without question or blame that the kind of tiredness I feel even after ridiculous amounts of sleep is mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically painful and deep. I don’t know how he does it, but I’m so thankful. I hope that that’s a gift we all are learning to give to people we love. Accepting them as they are. I fall short so terribly. Sometimes we have to learn how to love over and over again in life, and the first step to that is finding out where people really are and meeting them there. Not where you want them to be, but where they are.