Category: My Blog

A cabin full of families

On Lake Cumberland

Evening settling in around us

Quiet calm to insect orchestra

After dinner clean up

Adults get out the games

Kids run to the lake

One more time today

Careful down the steep trail

To the dock below

Towels and flip flops piled

Soap floats on the lake

Bathing in our suits 

As the sky glows pink 

Then deepest blue 

To better see the stars

Burning legs climb back the hill

Ready for pajamas 

Ready for milky pink lotion 

On hot mounds of mosquito bites

Ready for the cool side of the pillow

And the light soft sheet

Listening to parents talking, playing 

A gentle hum of happy

Heavy eyelids now

But new day rises soon

More time with the beauty

Of this world

Of water sun and sky

More time with the gift

Of friends

Together in this piece of life

I love summer. It brings out the real me. I love seeing things grow and even get really messy, because as someone just recently said on Facebook, the weed game is strong in Kentucky. But truly, even our weeds are pretty. I love tiger lilies in the ditches and wildflowers and vines growing two inches a day. Even though I spend a good amount of each summer with poison ivy, I can’t seem to stay out of it. (I have learned to be more careful, but it’s honestly a challenge to “gear up” every time I want to pull a weed!) All in all, I love the heat, the vibe, the light, the freedom of summer.

Summer is kind of like a parallel or an allegory for me right now. 2023 was one of the hardest years I have ever had. But 2024, after that grieving year, brought about a different Lyndsay and definitely the real me or as close to her as I have been since I was a kid, running around barefoot and freckled in the backyard. I could never have predicted that transformation. It’s a combination of my age (46), a wrestle with God that ended in a really cool space (He won, but I’m the one who benefitted from His winning; how cool is God, btw, for this kindness?), finding pain relief, learning to feel, learning to say no, and ultimately, seeing that all my efforts were simply not going to equal what I always thought they would. Well, that last sentence sums up some of my grief process, but remember, the end of the grief cycle IS acceptance. When you’ve come to the threshold of acceptance, you’re there! You’re in the place of healing. You made it.

I made it.

My life isn’t easy. It isn’t one big summer year-round here for me or anything. But I am different year-round now. Maybe as I unpack the paragraph above, some of the pieces in that suitcase will make sense and meet you where you are and help you, too…I hope so. I’m thankful for them.

-Mid-life is definitely a time to acknowledge what hasn’t been working for us. That will likely require a grief process and feeling like a failure to a certain extent. Here’s what I didn’t accomplish, here’s what I’ll never be, here’s what so-n-so will never be able to give me. It’s okay. It isn’t an end, it’s a beginning! Who was I trying to change? Who was I afraid I would disappoint? Why did I have such high expectations of myself? What must I let go of, to be realistic, happy, and centered on God and not myself, for goodness sake? All I can say is, now is the time to ask these questions. Our authentic selves are in there trying to come out and live in love, not fear. We are going to serve the Lord best from our real selves, not the self that is trying to perform or be what we “should”. I am so blessed by Philippians 1 and 2 and all of 2 Corinthians in this season, as well as Romans chapters 3-8 and Psalm 119. “God’s Law” is the new covenant in Christ, where there is no condemnation and we live by the Spirit of life and peace. I can run in those paths all day long, as Ps. 119 illustrates for my imagination.

-My wrestle with God definitely has a lot of pieces to it. But ultimately I needed to see and believe that it really is only Jesus that rescues us and aligns our lives with God’s pleasure and plan. Not me. I live my life now to thank Him for His grace and encourage others in the “progress and joy” of their faith (Phil. 1:25). I’ve been learning this in little segments my entire life. If you have listened to my music at all since 2003, you know this. The Road To Me Was Long says, “I used to think so much depended on me, thank You that where we stand is not dependent on me.” It Really Is (All About You) states, “I try and try again and then at my end, You begin…” My songs have a thread of “I can’t but You can” running through them all, yet still, I had to grieve when I saw my health, my children, my marriage, and my career all not where I wanted them to be no matter how hard I had tried. I’m not complaining, but I am saying, this was part of how I came into my summer. I had to let go what I thought would happen and grasp Christ alone. I’ll still work for whatever He tells me to work toward, but with a different expectation. He’s in charge of the outcome. May He get every reward for my service, not me.

-Pain relief. Yes. I won’t go into it, but if you have chronic pain, I am so so sorry and I pray you never give up on finding methods for healing and help. It’s so hard to live like that and keep your hope and joy.

-Learning to feel, to not be afraid of what I might feel, and accept others’ feelings has been the most empowering thing I have ever experienced. I’ll sum it up in these questions: Did you know that when others in the room are upset, you don’t have to be? Did you know that no emotions are wrong and that you can do more than just survive/hide/lose your mind through them? I love being a Biblical Mental Health Coach and I wish I had understood this strength and resilience long ago. We all have people in our lives who cannot stand firm and be a solid, calm, joyful individual in the storms of feelings (theirs or others). We do not have to follow in those footsteps. I see the goal now. When you become a solid individual who thinks and feels for themselves, you really are fearless and such a blessing in tumultuous times. You’re honest and know the wave will pass, and you don’t drag others down into the riptide nor do you allow others to drag you into their riptide. We can be compassionate without drowning. I definitely believe that kind of strength comes from our identity in our fearless, loving, good God!

-God has made it really clear to me that certain “yeses” I have already said mean I have to say a lot of “nos” now. I have to be faithful with what I already have in my hands. Period. The person who dies with the most things on their calendar and people in their address book and items on their to-do list and even ministry and intercessory prayer texts doesn’t win. My grieving period taught me some humility. Just sit down, Lyndsay. The world is going to go on without or without me. It’s neat to be so special, important, and precious to God, and at the same time, temporary in our usefulness. It’s just not who we are. I’m in a pause right now. Not a planning session, which is what I used to think a pause meant. No. Just a pause. Just a time of “no”.

Lastly: It was an important thing to recognize and accept that my efforts are not always going to equal the picture I had in mind.

We can see it in plants that we tended carefully yet didn’t thrive; we can see it in people we loved and invested in yet they walked away.

We acknowledge our losses and surprises – “girl, wash your face” – and then we open our eyes and let the sun shine on what is ours for today. That’s what we are responsible for. That’s what God’s will is for us.

I’m asking God for clarity, but I also sense it’s okay to not have a plan–isn’t the Spirit of God described as a wind, no one knowing which way it will go? He knows.

God gave us summer breezes. May they remind us to pause and let Him bring out the real us, His beloved children…freckled and barefoot and free.

None of us want to stress and worry and be overwhelmed. We all want to be easy-breezy, it’s-gonna-all-work-out kind of people (and good for you if you are!) 🙂

But for the rest of us, our stress and general sense of being affected by the mess in and around us leaves us wishing for peace! It is so aggravating to live by the ebb and flow of emotions, hormones, other people, crises, health and sleep problems, and so much more that daily comes our way.

Here’s a reminder (to me!) of how we move from this point of stress to well-being, whenever we are willing to pause and renew our minds…

Morning by morning, and every moment in between, God is inviting us into a new peace – a laying down of the old and the flesh and the world, and a putting on of the new and the spirit and the realm where Jesus reigns above it all. 

One thing that holds me back from peace is forgetting I can do this “taking off and putting on” daily. I forget that I can make a great exchange of my fears and plans for the promises and commands of my loving, living God! 

Another thing that holds me back is that I tend to try to be peaceful by achieving my own goals or finding my own happiness in ways I can control. 

Trying to find peace in the ideal life, trying to live for a time that the kids, the finances, the body, the calling, the spouse, etc are all coming together beautifully is to set myself before a dead, lifeless idol that truly has no ability to do for me what I think it will! 

False gods give false peace. 

My floors being clean, my husband agreeing with me about a rule I want to make for the kids, how my sleep issues are going, or even how Haiti and Ethiopia are faring – when this is where I try to find my peace,  I become like these idols. I become like a wave on the sea, rolling up and down and sideways based on all that is pushing me and slamming me around! I become the unsteady and the desperate and even the victim.

But at the moment I see (again) that these things going well won’t fulfill my real longing, I am so thankful that it is never my goodness, or even things in the world being made right, that truly gives me peace. 

Instead, our peace is found in the work that Jesus did on the cross, in the grave, in the resurrection, and in the giving of His Spirit! My peace is found in turning to Him and His Word, continually. 

And when I behold Jesus, I behold unchanging strength, truth, and grace. I behold what He says really matters. I behold those eyes that look at waves without flinching. I gain His confidence because I know in Whom I have believed. And when I look to Jesus and His Word, I see Him burning off the chaff- the idols that were never adding to my peace and never could. 

Where are you trying to find your peace?

How would things really be better if you got your way in one of the areas that tend to be idols? 

Choosing Jesus as our peace settles the matter of who is master over our lives, and knowing who our master is—that’s the whole ballgame! Those who choose Jesus as Master are released from all other masters (!!!)…and that brings me peace this world could never give with a thousand affirmations, promises, and fulfilled hopes. Let’s live for just this one Master, brothers and sisters, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He calls us friends. He Himself is our Peace.

John 14-17 

Phil. 4:6-7

Eph. 1&2

Matt. 11:28

My 40’s have been the very beginning of growing up. Is that just my own slowness or do other people feel the same? I’ll be 46 on March 5th…so this is an inventory of what I have finally understood or experienced in this first half of my 4th decade of life! 

1. I grieved not just for others’ pain, but for the first time, for myself. My losses, my failures, things that make me sad, parts of my life that will never be or things that happened that I wish hadn’t were brought up and worked through. I really had never experienced grief before, and when I got the hang of it, stuff came out of my inner woodwork to be dealt with! And I’m glad. This is what it means to be human…and the morning does come. 
   
2. I see all I really don’t know and I accept it. I don’t feel compelled to know what I can’t know about God, life, and the paradoxes all around me. I am truly learning to let God be God. 
   
3. When I think about how we become what we behold, I’m excited that I am becoming more like Jesus (by His grace we ALL will do this as we are in His presence and the Word), but I’m not excited about that for what others will think of me. I’m only excited about what others will think of Him and prayerful that they will think of Him a LOT!
   
4. I am accepting that I am not here to make people happy. It gets awkward but really, the truth is everyone in my life is responsible for their own feelings, even if they try to make me feel responsible for the origin or the outcome of their issue. I’m not getting involved like I used to. God has specific assignments for me and I can separate from those situations which are not mine from Him. 
   
5. Each day can be different and not as routine as I thought it should be in order to be effective and productive, and I’m enjoying life more-which is not something I thought was very important! Wonderful change! I think God is really overjoyed about this!
   
6. Now that I know I’m not supposed to make everyone happy and keep the world spinning and make sure everybody does what I think they should, my mind and heart are light. I haven’t been a lighthearted person in probably 20 years, but I am now. Something happened in my heart. I was just like “look, that’s not mine. By His grace i will work hard at what is mine, but SOOOO much of this is NOT. He and other people can step up to that plate. Mine is full until He says otherwise.” And that includes how my kids turn out and how people I love take care of their bodies and whether or not kids are adopted. I can only do what HE has given ME to do, and do it well. Striving for more is OUT. I have nothing to prove and I’m done ✅ 
   
7. Not everyone is going to love me. That’s ok. Not everyone is my absolute favorite either. Although, I sure do have a lot of favorites! There are so many wonderful people in my life!!!!
   
8. It’s okay for me to disagree with people on major issues. I had to learn this through the past 2 presidential races and still didn’t quite get it, but since the dissension never really will let up, I have come to the place where I may not understand how or why a person believes the way they do, but I respect them enough to say that their opinion and viewpoint is absolutely as valid as mine. I must do what I believe is right by faith – which means I acknowledge I could be wrong, but I’m doing my best with what information I have. Plus, I admit I’m still forming a lot of my opinions and I hope I always will be learning not just spouting my thoughts!
   
9. I don’t care what I accomplish anymore. My life is more like a series of conversations, prayers, experiences, opportunities…what really matters is just today and who He leads me to spend time with. When I don’t see how He’s working or when I don’t even feel like trying, I’m reminded that love never fails and if I just listen and show people they are loved, what a sweet success that day has been. 
   
10. Through the mid-life grief process I have let go of “what it looks like.” Bodies. Dreams. Even ministry, family, knowing God, knowing self, and friendships. It is what it is! I’ve spent so much of my life (since about 21 years old) living out my Enneagram 1 “Principled Reformer” angst and turmoil, always trying to make everything and even everyone (and definitely myself) BETTER. I was chasing after feeling like I could say I did my absolute 110% best, never letting go of my responsibility to excellence and service and expecting to see an outcome from it…but…there is no promised outcome except that God is with us and Heaven is waiting! And that’s enough for me because I see in my 40s that I made life a lot about me, thinking I was making it about God. Now I leave it up to Him if or how He chooses to work through my life.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Here’s to my last 4 years in my 40’s! Praise the Lord!

The more I am in God’s Word, the more I am in good Biblical community, and the more I dwell in His Presence, the more I know that I have put way too much focus on myself in the area of trying to live my life for God and not nearly enough focus on God.

All those years of trying to heed His Word well, years even of sacrifice and ministry work, I just didn’t grasp the full weight of everything resting on Him; the full hope, the full power, the full effect of any effort on my part. I fixated way more on my role than on His.

Did you, too, have years of agonizing over “will I know God’s will for my life?” Then when you did know you were obeying, were you focusing on your struggles, like whether or not you felt thankful, or strong, or good enough? Or do you ever let how you haven’t been spending time with God keep you from just doing it right now?

I know we have to think and take inventory and work on the areas of our lives; we can’t just mindlessly go through life. We have to steward what we have been given. But when the focus is on us all the time, how we are doing, and how we are either progressing beautifully or failing (or what seems to be a daily mixture of both)…aren’t we missing the point that life in Christ is actually our Refuge from the world, not our source of strife?

I have a challenge: Let’s acknowledge our life is a lot…a lot of not knowing what we’re doing, a lot of ups and downs, emotionally, mentally, and relationally. But let’s at the same time hear and trust and believe that our walk with God, our spiritual life, is firm and steadfast and a safe haven because HE has made it that. Let’s let Him be where we go when the other parts of who we are turn messy; let’s let humility and lack and need of Him bring moments of time with Him rather than self-focus, shame, or self-improvement projects! Let’s let our relationship with Jesus be the one simple thing in our worlds.

My personality wants to kind of rebel against these thoughts. But that’s the self righteous, prideful part of me that still thinks I shouldn’t need God quite so much and I should be able to impress Him at least a little bit. That’s the part of me that says, “Yes, grace, but…”

But there really isn’t a but.

When we see His love and mercy and strength for what it really is, we are hooked. We will live for Him like we never could have before.

God is the steadfast Lover, the well that cannot run dry. He is the One person, the One part of our life, with Whom we don’t ever need to feel shame and stress. He will change what He needs to change in us and it will not feel happy and fun as He makes us more like Him, but still, it will be His work in us, His idea, His power, to His glory!

This life will soon be done in the whole scheme of things, and whole new generations of Jesus followers will fill the earth. I think this is the message I will wish I could proclaim to those still on earth when I am in heaven – that it really is all about Him.

Me:

Father God,

It breaks my heart when one of my kids seems to only want a relationship with me because of what they thought they could get from me. I really thought we had something so deep and special. 

It breaks my heart when they can’t see all I am already doing and pouring out to make their lives pretty great. Why do they always have to push it further and further, always wanting more than I think is best for them right now?

It breaks my heart that they can envision a life without me if it means instead that they get something they’ve always wanted, with no accountability or rules. Haven’t I truly shown them that I wanted relationship above and beyond just our household rules being followed? 

It breaks my heart that I love them so much and am just sitting here hurting, while they are hurting, too!!! 

So I’m asking You, Lord, to help our kids see that our relationship is so much more than a contract, and an exchange of owing each other for doing what the other wanted us to do! 

Help our kids to be grateful and able to recognize with humility how much they have, how many needs are being met, and how we have made this a genuine priority even when they can’t see it. 

Help our kids choose relationship over rebellion. Help them lay down their wearying struggles of comparison and fear and insecurity that comes from the love of this world, and run to the relationship that was meant to meet those needs much better than anything else ever could. 

Lord, please help our kids when they are hurting; help them turn to us and to You. Help them not choose to be alone in their confusion and pain. Help them know we are the safe place, not the other places they long to explore that are just a fleeting desire and truthfully, a pit. 

In Jesus Name,

Amen

God:

Dear Lyndsay, 

You have put into words what I feel every day for my kids and their relationship with me. My concern for their welfare is overwhelming but equal to it is my longing, and sorrow- yet hope, that they will return to Me and not think of Me in the way they have. I, too, long to be in relationship where I am not constantly judged for doing and allowing what only I can understand. I love, miss, enjoy, and never forget my children…no matter what. 

So when you pray, I hear. And when you pray, know that I feel and understand what you’re saying more than you can know. Enter into the sorrow and the waiting with me, and let this bring you deeper into My love until all things are made right and new.