saying something


I just want to say in relation to my last post about immigration documents and how sad this stuff is…That was not written in fear or to scare anyone or make anyone scared for us. It was written for several reasons:

Education: the article by Anna Caudill, fellow adoptive mom, was helpful to me, and I wanted to give actually necessary information to adoptive families so that something accidental and tragic could be mitigated; we are not afraid but we are smart, like a woman carrying pepper spray. The only difference is that typically people agree that assaulting a woman is wrong and that women shouldn’t have to be put in a situation like this in the first place, but it is real and we deal with it how we have to. In the same way, I wish everyone could agree that the way the current administration and ICE are going about removing illegal immigrants is wrong, literally unlawful, something we white Americans have never personally experienced, clumsy, and, sorry not sorry, blatantly racist. That sentence can just also be my #2 reason. I want to be put on the record that this is how I see this and many things our pres and his choice of co-workers have done since January. Sharing how it (in a tiny way) affects our family and others like ours is a way I could share those feelings pretty clearly.  Sharing how I feel on social media is certainly the least effective way to make change, but…sometimes it is all you feel like you have…and, that leads into #3.

My FB friends are predominantly white and non-immigrants, like myself. I am a Christian who is basically in the dominant culture in most aspects and you all are, too. That means we have an innate responsibility to stand up against injustice and mistreatment of those who do not have such privilege, protection, or means. Because of that, and I’m not going to read and talk about this all the time, but there are times it needs to be said (!): Do we want to go down ignoring the mistreatment and practices against immigrants, the attitudes of presuming guilt and criminal activity, the withdrawing of confirmed refugee status, letters to people who have been here legally for years asking them to self-deport, and deporting Masters and Doctoral level students here doing meaningful work in our colleges with educational visas just because these practices are not hurting us (at this time)? Um, that’s a slippery slope, y’all. These actions against immigrants is only one piece of the puzzle that is going to change the atmosphere in our country. Is my faith shaken by the mess men are making? Not my faith in God…but it seems responsible and Christlike, to me, to care. To say something. To join groups that are doing something. 

Like: 

https://www.wechoosewelcome.com

Fourth and last- I want to set the example that I can be a person of peace and passionately in love with Jesus and be positive and kind and here to help people and not be afraid and know my citizenship is in Heaven and at the same time, bring up something wrong, ugly, and controversial when it is happening, calling out the perpetrators. Do I like it? Is it comfortable? Does it make things awkward with friends and family? You know the answer. But we all have to do what we know in our gut is ours to do. I’m a peacemaker and a gentle person; and at the same time, it is mine as a person in the dominant culture with loved ones who are NOT to help others SEE what this feels like. Let’s be real: It is important that Christians understand they can speak out about social issues beyond abortion. Christians can obey their governments as the Bible tells us to do but also call something wrong when it is wrong- in fact we should. Christians can care about how people are treated without being “woke”; we are simply doing what Jesus did and commands us to do still. Christians can also disagree because we really do all come from different places and feel there are different ways to get an important task done, such as provide protection for our country which is (supposedly) at the heart of the immigration debate. So in these cases, we need to listen to each other and show the world deliberately respectful debate—not just stick our head in the sand and trust our leaders. I am not an influencer by any means, but I do learn from others who are willing to live their faith out differently, and perhaps I – white gentle peacemaker but also intimately involved with those being profiled and potentially mistreated- can bring to the neighborhood a perspective worth hearing.

    I will always seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 34:14) and I will continue to pray for our leaders (1 Timothy 2:1-4) but also, I pray I will not be guilty of ignoring this:

    Isaiah 68: 6-12

    “No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
    Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
        lighten the burden of those who work for you.
    Let the oppressed go free,
        and remove the chains that bind people.

    Share your food with the hungry,
        and give shelter to the homeless.
    Give clothes to those who need them,
        and do not hide from relatives who need your help.

    “Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
        and your wounds will quickly heal.
    Your godliness will lead you forward,
        and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.

    Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
        ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.

    “Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
        Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!

    10 

    Feed the hungry,
        and help those in trouble.
    Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
        and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.

    11 

    The Lord will guide you continually,
        giving you water when you are dry
        and restoring your strength.
    You will be like a well-watered garden,
        like an ever-flowing spring.

    12 

    Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
        Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
        and a restorer of homes.

    What Do We Do Now?

    I realize that there are many different feelings and opinions in the United States right now, even and especially, among followers of Jesus. I have felt torn and I know many others have as well. There are certain things about our current president, not only his character and history, but also his actions and the way he carries them out, that make me think we have genuine reason to fear. On the other hand, I know that our country elects its representatives so in a way, our two choices for president this term represented who our country actually is. I have to come to grips with that. We all do, even though so many of us are moderates.

    So I wanted to write a blog today that doesn’t even try to speak to specific topics, because I recognize that I do not know enough. I do not know enough about the way things were in past administrations to be able to compare with the way things are and will be in this administration. There are so many lies flying around, and people are taking one sentence that may or may not be true and allowing themselves to form a complete belief from that one statement. Obviously, there are many more discrepancies and frustrations that could be brought up but I will stop there. I don’t have the time or the expertise to fully understand and research all the things I would like to. So I will stick to the basics, from God’s Word, to guide my heart and maybe yours if you are seeking a general direction in all the chaos.

    What do we do now?

    1. We actually, really, truly get in prayer. We pray for the people who are suffering, regardless of whether or not we agree with what is happening to them, for example, the refugees that are dealing with broken promises, and of course, people in Ukraine and the Middle East. We pray as God leads us to pray. We take our agenda off the table and we let him lead us in prayer for guidance for our leaders, and those they appoint, whether we like them or not. We pray for the people that are very upset, people that feel like they have no hope, people that are confused, people that have lost their jobs. Far it from us to fail to pray for them in their suffering, if we are Christians, no matter how they arrived in their situation. This is call for mercy that true followers of Jesus must heed.
    2. We do good in the land we are living in. We should be the most excellent at our jobs. We should have the most life-giving words on our tongues. We do not need a government to tell us how to treat other people. We are generous people; we look for ways to serve. We do not use our leaders as an example if they are not wise, loving, servant-leaders. We respect them but we do not automatically or in any way emulate them, adore them, or put our trust in them. As believers, we treat people as Jesus would treat people, full stop.
    3. We understand that we are not here to make a Christian country club, expecting everyone else to love our God, our Bible, and our morals. We understand that if we are not being persecuted, if we are not suffering, if we are not the least and the small, if we are not powerless and poor and unimportant, we likely are not in step with the ways of Jesus at all because we are to be resident aliens here! Resident aliens don’t get the royal treatment! We must get a grip on understanding why the Lord has left us here on this earth for this time and get off our high horse. I am not saying that Christians should never have anything to do with politics, or with school boards that direct curriculum, etc., but there comes a time where a shift has to happen. This shift is from an idea of “everyone needs to do what I think is right” to “I am going to show God’s love in the actual realities of my country and this world today.”
    4. We have reason to fear because our nation and the world is not safe, but we do not fear because we have our hope in the eternal kingdom of Jesus. We do not fear because our Lord told us not to fear. In fact, He said only fear what can damage your soul, not your body, life, possessions, etc. In this time, we have to focus on our soul and the souls of others. As C.S.Lewis said, we are not just bodies with souls; we are souls that also have a body, a life, a short time on earth attached to them. Bad things are happening and will happen but when our souls are bound to Jesus, we find we are not afraid and we move from a life of self-protection to such a broader more beautifully open space.—————————————————-
      Lord, please get our hearts in the right place so that we can be vessels for your spirit in this one life we have. Help us not allow ourselves to be blinded by all that we cannot change and all that we cannot do, missing out on who you want us to be and what you want us to do now. Amen.

    Happy 24th Anniversary, Jack!

    24 Reasons I Would Marry You Again

    1. You love God and are very authentic about your relationship with Him and also your struggles.
    2. You are a very excellent, determined, and hard worker who cares deeply about all people. 
    3. You love it when I laugh and am relaxed, and you work to make that happen.
    4. You can stay up late and get up early (which particularly impresses me since I can’t do either very well 😬.)
    5. You take the kids to school every morning, dealing with 3 teenaged girls getting out of the house. 
    6. You do lots of things for me to be warm because you know it makes me happy.
    7. You remember things that I don’t, sentimental things that matter.
    8. You see the world very differently and it has made me slow down, learn to listen a little bit better, and think outside the box. 
    9. You appreciate beauty and nature and food, and that has made me live a fuller life.
    10. You always genuinely think I look good and you enjoy my morning hair with the humor it does indeed deserve.
    11. You offer me your coffee even when I said I didn’t want any but now it looks really good. 
    12. You fill my Christmas stocking and give me good birthday presents. 
    13. You talk very nicely to others about me, and actually talk nicely about everyone. 
    14. You’re happy to help me with my concerts (or any endeavors) in any way. 
    15. You’re loud so I can be quiet and wallflowery sometimes.
    16. You have always taken us to church and been very involved there. 
    17. You love to give when someone is in need, regardless of how much we have. You set an example for the kids with me of helping strangers.
    18. You try really hard to not talk to me first thing in the morning. 😘
    19. You adore animals and babies, and I think that says a lot.
    20. You always tell me to go wherever and do whatever I want; you trust that I know what I’m doing and are excited for me.
    21. You are super fun to go on dates, double dates, movies, shopping trips, hikes, and vacations with. 
    22. You’re a great driver, even if I do act like I’m having a seizure in the passenger side sometimes.
    23. You’ll pray over me when I am sick or when the girls are needing prayer.
    24. No one could have known for sure because only time can tell this about anyone, but the 24th reason I would marry you again is that you have not gotten tired of me or given up on marriage, even though it has been difficult and bewildering for both of us at times along the way. God gave me you, a man who would not waver in his promise to keep trying, to not grow tired of me, and to keep wanting to do life with me. That is no small thing, and I am really honored and thankful. ❤️ To the next 24! 🥂

    How Boundaries Set People Free

    Forgive me if it feels like you have already read these same thoughts from me before…

    I can’t help it.

    The amount of self-discovery and shalom from the Lord in these past few years for me has just been breathtaking.

    I used to think that I didn’t have the authority to make decisions for my own life…until I learned that God gave me that authority and entrusted it with me, as I respect, seek, and live for Him. He put me in this territory, to own it and fill it and enjoy it, to steward it well. There is a boundary, a good line, around what God chooses and does for us vs. what He has given us to choose and do. There is freedom in knowing His banner over me is love…not fear, not some tight schedule I better figure out how to fit into.

    I used to think I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes and risk blame/shame…until I learned that this fixed way of thinking didn’t leave room for authenticity, humility, and grace! Instead, while there isn’t room for willfully sinning with no repentance in this equation, mistakes are how we learn. Mistakes are just one direction you won’t go again. This reframing creates a love for the precious self God created in each of us. That love is what helps us know the boundary around us, and what words and actions are simply not appropriate for others to throw our way and also not okay for us to slam ourselves with. We are allowed to have a boundary that says no or I’ll think about that to others’ (or our inner critic’s) accusations against us about our failures. God has made a way for redemption in every situation. It is within our proper boundaries to decide how we will view our mistakes, which allows us to get up and move on a lot faster. God’s banner over us is grace.

    I used to think I had to serve everyone in every situation of need…until I learned that in the Body of Christ there is the boundary of doing what you are actually called, led, and gifted to do. Sure, there are times of just pitching in and getting work done…but this is where the 20% end up doing 80%. A boundary around me is the Lord saying don’t just do ministry, live in Spirit-led obedience, and you’ll never give from an empty cup again. God’s banner over us is wisdom!

    I used to think if other people were distressed, I couldn’t be happy and healthy…until I learned that I am allowed to be separate from others. I will share in joy and I will definitely grieve with mourners, but I also have my own mind, body, heart, and soul and I am allowed to draw from my self, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to move into the season I need to be in. I can support without saving. I can listen without fixing. I can trust God to be there when they choose to call on Him, once again seeing the natural borders that God has around Himself, me, and every individual person. There are simply things we cannot choose or do for each other. God’s banner over us is freedom.

    Lastly, not that this is all, but this is all I’ll share today: I used to think that if my adult loved ones weren’t making (what I deemed to be) good choices for their health and well-being that I was negligent if I did not try to get them to change…until the Lord showed me that I had been thinking their decisions, problems, and repercussions somehow meant I had failed at loving, inspiring, and taking care of them well. My concern for them was partly out of genuine concern that they were not experiencing victory…but also partly out of my own need to feel validated that I had been a good friend, spouse, or parent. That comes from my Enneagram #1, where I just want to know that I have done my personal best, I just want to be good and make a difference. But JESUS, dear understanding patient JESUS, is setting me free. He showed me I was reaching well past my borders and into theirs when I was more concerned about them taking steps to get better than they were. He is showing me how to give from correct motives without obligation, and to love while enjoying my separateness from how they are doing. He is showing me that while He has given us a beautiful connection -in families, the Church, and friend groups- we must maintain our responsibility of individuality, our God-given borders and boundaries in order to truly love one another. God’s banner over us is peace in His finished work on the cross and the identity He gave us when we were adopted into His family, through His grace and our faith.

    I can love more freely because whatever happens as a result is not core to who I am.

    Have any of these old ways of thinking affected your life?

    How does your personality style create difficulties in knowing where you end and others begin?

    More on this later…For Sure…Thanks for reading! Make sure you check out my new Shalom Studio Coaching page!

    Healing Comes in Many Ways

    Sunshine

    Water (drinking, bath, swimming, rain, watering plants, watching ripples and waves)

    Forgiveness

    Walking

    Sleeping

    Laughter

    Daydreaming

    Giving 

    Sweating

    Praying

    Reading the Bible

    Giving Thanks

    Writing (journaling, a letter, a thank you card, a story, a poem, a memory book)

    Church/Community 

    Helping someone

    Salt (morning drinks, ocean, sore throat, skin issues)

    Multi-generational relationships 

    Letting go

    Brainstorming

    Sitting still

    Being in the forest 

    Smiling 

    Being around kids (small amounts lol!) 

    Processing feelings and events out loud 

    Friendship 

    Hugs and kisses 

    Making a mess

    Be creative (paint, draw, play with playdoh) 

    Bake 

    Cook a new recipe

    Text a friend 

    Be prayed over

    Pray over someone 

    Listen to music 

    Sing your praise to the Lord

    Curl up on the couch with a good book 

    Supplement as needed for energy, digestion and other specific health issues

    Fruits and Veggies at every meal

    Dig in the dirt, plant something or weed a flower bed 

    Taking care of a pet

    Accepting how you feel right now 

    Believing in GRACE, the gift of our dear brother Jesus and Father in Heaven ❤️ 

    Knowing you are loved, literally no matter what 

    A Summer Poem

    A cabin full of families

    On Lake Cumberland

    Evening settling in around us

    Quiet calm to insect orchestra

    After dinner clean up

    Adults get out the games

    Kids run to the lake

    One more time today

    Careful down the steep trail

    To the dock below

    Towels and flip flops piled

    Soap floats on the lake

    Bathing in our suits 

    As the sky glows pink 

    Then deepest blue 

    To better see the stars

    Burning legs climb back the hill

    Ready for pajamas 

    Ready for milky pink lotion 

    On hot mounds of mosquito bites

    Ready for the cool side of the pillow

    And the light soft sheet

    Listening to parents talking, playing 

    A gentle hum of happy

    Heavy eyelids now

    But new day rises soon

    More time with the beauty

    Of this world

    Of water sun and sky

    More time with the gift

    Of friends

    Together in this piece of life

    FOMO to JOMO :)

    So I heard the term “FOMO” a couple of years ago.

    The Fear of Missing Out.

    I think FOMO is half about our identity and trying to prove ourselves, and half about just loving life and wanting to be a part of many things. But you know what? God doesn’t necessarily want me to be a part of many things and definitely not everything (but when I think separately of each thing I want to do and can’t, this makes me sad!)

    I love the movie Divergent and I think I love it because, A) clearly, a strong female lead, and B) the diversity that can be all inside one person, which I deeply relate to. But I’m 46 years old, and I own two books called Tired of Being Tired. I’m not joking. One Tired of Being Tired is by Jessi Lynn Hanley, and the second Tired of Being Tired is by my favorite author Jess Connolly. Ever since maybe even high school, but definitely after I was missionary short term in Africa, I have been tired. And I have had to try to figure out not only what is physically making me tired, but what beliefs, habits, and thought patterns are keeping me on the hamster wheel. 

    Let me tell you, FOMO can make a person tired. Can make a person discontent. Can keep us from being where God wants us to be. Can make us feel like nothing we do or experience will ever be enough, really. 

    I don’t know how I haven’t been able to see in the past that at least 50% of the stuff running around my head are ideas that aren’t for right now, and that don’t even have to happen at all

    What if we were content to just be our real selves, in love, with the people God put in our path, using our gifts…and not striving for more?

    It takes a lot of prayer, time, and wisdom to choose what we will put our energy, money, and creativity toward. It takes a lot of restraint. It takes a lot of trust in God, rather than ourselves. No wonder we’re tired if there is literally no space for all the things our hearts and hands are in.

    I can know for myself that it is a mindset shift to the Joy of Missing Out, to a pause that levels the field – like a seventh year rest for the farmland. What a JOY to know that part of knowing Jesus means that NOTHING we could “miss out on” is really all that pivotal if we are following Him. Ah, now that’s good! Come on! 

    Rest, missing out, living a simpler life— maybe these are our rebellious acts against self-sufficiency, self-righteousness, and self-protection? 

    It’s nice to know that isn’t a failure or even a disobedience to God to say: That is such a great idea! That would help people! That would be really fun. BUT…it costs something I don’t have to spend right now. 

    Ultimately I want to live in JOY not FEAR…

    So come on, JOMO. Welcome in. 

    Do you struggle with FOMO? What is God saying about your particular area of struggle with this? What would you need to lay down “for the joy” to settle in fear’s place?

    Pause

    I love summer. It brings out the real me. I love seeing things grow and even get really messy, because as someone just recently said on Facebook, the weed game is strong in Kentucky. But truly, even our weeds are pretty. I love tiger lilies in the ditches and wildflowers and vines growing two inches a day. Even though I spend a good amount of each summer with poison ivy, I can’t seem to stay out of it. (I have learned to be more careful, but it’s honestly a challenge to “gear up” every time I want to pull a weed!) All in all, I love the heat, the vibe, the light, the freedom of summer.

    Summer is kind of like a parallel or an allegory for me right now. 2023 was one of the hardest years I have ever had. But 2024, after that grieving year, brought about a different Lyndsay and definitely the real me or as close to her as I have been since I was a kid, running around barefoot and freckled in the backyard. I could never have predicted that transformation. It’s a combination of my age (46), a wrestle with God that ended in a really cool space (He won, but I’m the one who benefitted from His winning; how cool is God, btw, for this kindness?), finding pain relief, learning to feel, learning to say no, and ultimately, seeing that all my efforts were simply not going to equal what I always thought they would. Well, that last sentence sums up some of my grief process, but remember, the end of the grief cycle IS acceptance. When you’ve come to the threshold of acceptance, you’re there! You’re in the place of healing. You made it.

    I made it.

    My life isn’t easy. It isn’t one big summer year-round here for me or anything. But I am different year-round now. Maybe as I unpack the paragraph above, some of the pieces in that suitcase will make sense and meet you where you are and help you, too…I hope so. I’m thankful for them.

    -Mid-life is definitely a time to acknowledge what hasn’t been working for us. That will likely require a grief process and feeling like a failure to a certain extent. Here’s what I didn’t accomplish, here’s what I’ll never be, here’s what so-n-so will never be able to give me. It’s okay. It isn’t an end, it’s a beginning! Who was I trying to change? Who was I afraid I would disappoint? Why did I have such high expectations of myself? What must I let go of, to be realistic, happy, and centered on God and not myself, for goodness sake? All I can say is, now is the time to ask these questions. Our authentic selves are in there trying to come out and live in love, not fear. We are going to serve the Lord best from our real selves, not the self that is trying to perform or be what we “should”. I am so blessed by Philippians 1 and 2 and all of 2 Corinthians in this season, as well as Romans chapters 3-8 and Psalm 119. “God’s Law” is the new covenant in Christ, where there is no condemnation and we live by the Spirit of life and peace. I can run in those paths all day long, as Ps. 119 illustrates for my imagination.

    -My wrestle with God definitely has a lot of pieces to it. But ultimately I needed to see and believe that it really is only Jesus that rescues us and aligns our lives with God’s pleasure and plan. Not me. I live my life now to thank Him for His grace and encourage others in the “progress and joy” of their faith (Phil. 1:25). I’ve been learning this in little segments my entire life. If you have listened to my music at all since 2003, you know this. The Road To Me Was Long says, “I used to think so much depended on me, thank You that where we stand is not dependent on me.” It Really Is (All About You) states, “I try and try again and then at my end, You begin…” My songs have a thread of “I can’t but You can” running through them all, yet still, I had to grieve when I saw my health, my children, my marriage, and my career all not where I wanted them to be no matter how hard I had tried. I’m not complaining, but I am saying, this was part of how I came into my summer. I had to let go what I thought would happen and grasp Christ alone. I’ll still work for whatever He tells me to work toward, but with a different expectation. He’s in charge of the outcome. May He get every reward for my service, not me.

    -Pain relief. Yes. I won’t go into it, but if you have chronic pain, I am so so sorry and I pray you never give up on finding methods for healing and help. It’s so hard to live like that and keep your hope and joy.

    -Learning to feel, to not be afraid of what I might feel, and accept others’ feelings has been the most empowering thing I have ever experienced. I’ll sum it up in these questions: Did you know that when others in the room are upset, you don’t have to be? Did you know that no emotions are wrong and that you can do more than just survive/hide/lose your mind through them? I love being a Biblical Mental Health Coach and I wish I had understood this strength and resilience long ago. We all have people in our lives who cannot stand firm and be a solid, calm, joyful individual in the storms of feelings (theirs or others). We do not have to follow in those footsteps. I see the goal now. When you become a solid individual who thinks and feels for themselves, you really are fearless and such a blessing in tumultuous times. You’re honest and know the wave will pass, and you don’t drag others down into the riptide nor do you allow others to drag you into their riptide. We can be compassionate without drowning. I definitely believe that kind of strength comes from our identity in our fearless, loving, good God!

    -God has made it really clear to me that certain “yeses” I have already said mean I have to say a lot of “nos” now. I have to be faithful with what I already have in my hands. Period. The person who dies with the most things on their calendar and people in their address book and items on their to-do list and even ministry and intercessory prayer texts doesn’t win. My grieving period taught me some humility. Just sit down, Lyndsay. The world is going to go on without or without me. It’s neat to be so special, important, and precious to God, and at the same time, temporary in our usefulness. It’s just not who we are. I’m in a pause right now. Not a planning session, which is what I used to think a pause meant. No. Just a pause. Just a time of “no”.

    Lastly: It was an important thing to recognize and accept that my efforts are not always going to equal the picture I had in mind.

    We can see it in plants that we tended carefully yet didn’t thrive; we can see it in people we loved and invested in yet they walked away.

    We acknowledge our losses and surprises – “girl, wash your face” – and then we open our eyes and let the sun shine on what is ours for today. That’s what we are responsible for. That’s what God’s will is for us.

    I’m asking God for clarity, but I also sense it’s okay to not have a plan–isn’t the Spirit of God described as a wind, no one knowing which way it will go? He knows.

    God gave us summer breezes. May they remind us to pause and let Him bring out the real us, His beloved children…freckled and barefoot and free.

    Sorting Out the Screens Issue

    Before I get started on this today, let me just remind you – I’m no expert. I’m no influencer. I haven’t researched this topic. I’m just living my little life. And on the topic of phones, I’m feeling like I have to brainstorm or process or something…anyone with me?

    I walk into the room and my 15 year old has the “kids” phone (which does not have a search engine, only has approved contacts, has no social media except her own YouTube channel, and time limits on every app) in her hands…just like she did about an hour ago when I walked through that room.

    My 13 year old is staring at her MP3 player which does nothing but play music, the DuoLingo app, math games, and screensavers galore to change her Home Screen every few minutes. Those are probably not called screensavers anymore. Oh, well.

    I carry my phone around if anyone in my household isn’t home, because I have forgotten my children’s pick up times before and am petrified I will do it again. Lately, I also carry it around because I’m wanting some credit for taking steps. (What a weird time we live in!) Even if I go days or weeks without using Facebook or Instagram, my two social media outlets of choice, to share stuff and keep up with people, I still feel like the amount of genuine work and ministry I do from my phone is a large portion of my day. So, at any point, I may have my head down into my phone, too. I may pull it out in every line I wait in. I may even pull it out at a red light. Right in front of my kids.

    This is not good.

    I don’t want myself or my family to be like this.

    Here’s the way I want to think – Three main categories of change here:

    1. Instead of battling what I don’t like or want to see my family doing with screens (and I’m not talking about anything bad or immoral, I’m just talking about sheer time on it or it being an immediate remedy for boredom), I want to increase our passion for other things, other ways of communication, and more connection. I want to shine some light on hobbies, face-to-face interaction, nature, exercise…
    2. We need to unapologetically set and keep boundaries around screen time, be it the TV, a phone or MP3 player, a computer, or a gaming station.
    3. If we are going to have screens, I want to see them put to good use.

    This is nothing new. Maybe we have done this well before and forgot about it; maybe life got busy and we don’t want to make changes because then, as adults, we would have to make changes, too. But here are some things I want to consider trying and I would love your ideas to be added in the comments, please!

    For #1

    Especially in the summer and weekends – Ask kids and teens: “What are four things you want to accomplish each day (that don’t require a screen unless it is studying for a driver’s test or something else that can only be done online-many of these ideas would utilize YouTube, see #3)?” If they can’t come up with anything, some ideas are art projects, chores, planting/gardening, earning money, extra instrument practice, learning a new skill, walking to a certain point in the neighborhood, reading their Bible, competing with pushups and sit-ups, even having lunch outside every day they can! We can print out free calendar pages and help them get organized with what they want to learn or do personally,

    Also, we can ask them: “What are some things you would like to do as a family or with friends this weekend/summer?” Are these recurring or “just once” type of things? See what you can put on your calendar to create things to look forward to together. We have a big family, so it takes a long time to get everyone’s wishes granted…but having things on the calendar to do together helps keep boredom away. I think this is because my family actually does enjoy down time and being home, and will make the most of those days if they know we will be busy other days. Ah, finding balance…one of my favorite words!

    In our family, we don’t have a lot of traditions or weekly rituals, but on Sunday mornings we go to church, then have dinner at 6pm together, then watch an episode of the Chosen and open up our Bibles to talk and pray together. Just a couple “sticking points” in the week are wonderful. Right now, this is our main one, but I would like to have just a bit more.

    For #2

    We already have a firm rule of 2 hours of screen time a day. That is easy to follow in regard to “computer/PlayStation time” and “tv time” but it is getting more and more tricky in regard to the “kids” phone, which is mainly for when someone goes to an event and needs a phone with them, and the MP3 player. Obviously, my college student is doing her own thing; it’s my high schooler and middle schooler we are still doing this with and I plan to until they graduate! (That doesn’t mean they won’t have their own phone when they are driving and 16; it just means we still plan to have at least some limits on everything on that phone until they graduate.)

    One way to help with the “kids” phone is that each app has a time limit on it internally, set by my husband, Jack. Also, the MP3 player and phone lock at a certain time each evening, as well as charge in our room beginning at 9:30pm.

    We have a strict no phones and computers in bedrooms policy. Even when friends come over, I ask them to keep their iPads or phones out of the bedrooms and basically just in their backpack until they need to talk to parents. Sometimes this works out okay, sometimes it is super awkward, but y’all we have been through some THINGS. Have you? Do you know what I mean? Also, anytime computers (homework, YouTube, anything) are being used, they sit somewhere with the screen open to the room and anyone walking by.

    I have heard of great filters like Bark that can seek out key words in texts on kids and teens phones. I recently heard, and have experienced, that the greatest danger to mental health right now for girls is being on group chats with other girls. Homeschool moms, I’m talking to you, too. I’m sorry, but it’s true, and it’s worth saying!

    I’ve also heard of some parents having their kids fill out their “stuff they have to do first” form before getting to use a phone or any device that day; that would include a certain amount of time doing chores, exercising, reading, being outside, walking the dog, eating, whatever they need a little motivation to get done to have a good day! I like that and if we are ever home long enough to need this, we will do it!

    Now, limits for us adults…

    Should we just use regular alarm clocks and keep our phones across the room?

    If our family is home, maybe we can set our phones on the charger in another room and just have family time without the distraction of “oh I can look that up because it just crossed my mind, but oh also, I forgot you were sitting here trying to spend time with me!”

    I have had seasons where I made “office time” with my phone, and didn’t check email or texts until those times of day. I especially did this when homeschooling because all my kids were home and couldn’t possibly be calling or texting me in need! Now this is a little trickier but I can at least have self control to not open messages until set office times.

    I join the cry I am hearing around me: “It was not meant to be this way! I was not meant to be accessible every minute of my life!” We used to leave our phone connected to the wall all day, every day. We used to sit down at a computer once for the night or if we worked at a computer all day, we certainly didn’t want to see it when we got home. We are overstimulated…but low on joy, communication, shared interests and feelings, and purpose, when we are existing in this constant-interaction-online life. We can put limits on our apps, too, and we can go old-school on some things anytime we want, like pedometers instead of watches and phones, or CD players, or cookbooks, or paper calendars, or greeting cards. (I know, I’m talking crazy.) 🙂

    But really, are there changes we would want to truly make to not just give in to this?

    For #3

    Yes, so definitely there are ways to redeem these screens! Praise God! Here are some great uses for the screens if we can direct ourselves and our kids to them…

    The Bible app has great devotion plans and the Bible can be read aloud.

    YouTube, with a filter on your Internet, can be used for SO MANY neat hobbies and skills like crocheting, painting, guitar, singing, memorizing scripture, amazing videos about nature and space, dancing, building Legos, and learning a new language. If my girls are learning something, I don’t usually count this as screen time for them.

    The Dwell app and Pause app are both great for meditating on what is good, calming down, and enjoying life for those of us (or our kids) who need reminders to do this!

    I am enriched by podcasts such as Katherine Wolf and Jess Connelly; I am thankful for praise music on Apple Music or wherever. It’s great to be able to share prayer needs and encourage one another. But even this can be too much. God has given us a certain territory. I got off Facebook for months and months because I knew the perimeters of praying and serving God had put on my life, and I had no more margin to care and feel for anything else.

    Right Now Media is the “Netflix” of Bible Studies and great videos for all ages.

    VidAngel Is just about the best invention ever. For $10 a month, it filters all the garbage out of your Amazon Prime or Netflix (and other streaming) TV/Movies. I don’t watch TV without it.

    I’m sure you all have more ideas and I would love to hear them. This blog post might seem ridiculous to you – but I find myself floating on this river of life, where all my people are also floating and kind of hanging onto each other like in the Lazy River where you grab each other’s feet to stay close…Am I leading well if I just let this river take over? Are we learning to truly work, serve, play, and rest well with so much attention, time, and activities done with screens?

    It’s worth sitting on the bank for a bit, to pray, think, and decide, rather than just let the current have its way.

    peace

    None of us want to stress and worry and be overwhelmed. We all want to be easy-breezy, it’s-gonna-all-work-out kind of people (and good for you if you are!) 🙂

    But for the rest of us, our stress and general sense of being affected by the mess in and around us leaves us wishing for peace! It is so aggravating to live by the ebb and flow of emotions, hormones, other people, crises, health and sleep problems, and so much more that daily comes our way.

    Here’s a reminder (to me!) of how we move from this point of stress to well-being, whenever we are willing to pause and renew our minds…

    Morning by morning, and every moment in between, God is inviting us into a new peace – a laying down of the old and the flesh and the world, and a putting on of the new and the spirit and the realm where Jesus reigns above it all. 

    One thing that holds me back from peace is forgetting I can do this “taking off and putting on” daily. I forget that I can make a great exchange of my fears and plans for the promises and commands of my loving, living God! 

    Another thing that holds me back is that I tend to try to be peaceful by achieving my own goals or finding my own happiness in ways I can control. 

    Trying to find peace in the ideal life, trying to live for a time that the kids, the finances, the body, the calling, the spouse, etc are all coming together beautifully is to set myself before a dead, lifeless idol that truly has no ability to do for me what I think it will! 

    False gods give false peace. 

    My floors being clean, my husband agreeing with me about a rule I want to make for the kids, how my sleep issues are going, or even how Haiti and Ethiopia are faring – when this is where I try to find my peace,  I become like these idols. I become like a wave on the sea, rolling up and down and sideways based on all that is pushing me and slamming me around! I become the unsteady and the desperate and even the victim.

    But at the moment I see (again) that these things going well won’t fulfill my real longing, I am so thankful that it is never my goodness, or even things in the world being made right, that truly gives me peace. 

    Instead, our peace is found in the work that Jesus did on the cross, in the grave, in the resurrection, and in the giving of His Spirit! My peace is found in turning to Him and His Word, continually. 

    And when I behold Jesus, I behold unchanging strength, truth, and grace. I behold what He says really matters. I behold those eyes that look at waves without flinching. I gain His confidence because I know in Whom I have believed. And when I look to Jesus and His Word, I see Him burning off the chaff- the idols that were never adding to my peace and never could. 

    Where are you trying to find your peace?

    How would things really be better if you got your way in one of the areas that tend to be idols? 

    Choosing Jesus as our peace settles the matter of who is master over our lives, and knowing who our master is—that’s the whole ballgame! Those who choose Jesus as Master are released from all other masters (!!!)…and that brings me peace this world could never give with a thousand affirmations, promises, and fulfilled hopes. Let’s live for just this one Master, brothers and sisters, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He calls us friends. He Himself is our Peace.

    John 14-17 

    Phil. 4:6-7

    Eph. 1&2

    Matt. 11:28