Category: Find Us Burning (Blogs 2009-2016)

I’m sorry that I haven’t had time to keep writing my “Living Love Story” blog…I am right in the middle of the Moses story, and I assume the Lord wants me to just hang there for a bit. I’ll probably pick back up and start writing these stories of God’s vision for intimacy with us throughout Biblical history soon. But in the meantime, I am met head on by the Spirit–in His challenging, convicting, deep to the marrow kind of personality–through this book, Let Go by Fenelon.

Fenelon was the Archbishop of Cambrai, France, during the 17th century. The introduction of this short devotional book tells us: “Fenelon had the opportunity of becoming the spiritual advisor of a small number of earnest people at the Court of Louis the Fourteenth, who sought, under Fenelon’s wise direction, to live a life of true spirituality in the midst of a court life which was shamelessly immoral.”
Here’s an excerpt I have been mulling over all week:

“Evil circumstances are changed into good when they are received with an enduring trust in the love of God…

…while good circumstances may be changed into evil when we become attached to them through the love of self.

Nothing in us or around us is truly good until we become detached from the world and totally abandoned to God.

So, even though you are now in these bad circumstances, put yourself confidently and without reserve into His hand.

I would give anything to see you in better circumstances.

But if evil circumstances have taught you to be sick of the love of the world, then that is good.

That love of self, which the world advocates, is a thousand times more dangerous than any poison.

I pray for you with all my heart.”

I wanted to share a couple of thoughts today that are making this Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday extremely meaningful to me.  God has graciously given me some touch points this frazzled brain of mine can hold to when I’m feeling disconnected from the beautiful truths of this weekend.

Hello Friends. I am not quite sure when I blogged last, but it certainly feels like its been awhile!
It is a good time, with Spring (maybe?) on the brink…

In my heart though, there is some turmoil. I feel the turmoil of inequality, abuse, and poverty when I get prayer requests from International Justice Mission, or when I write letters to our sponsored children, or when I hear news about Mali or Israel, or when I wait with adoptive families for news so much slower than Christmas. I’ve learned that this grief is a part of my life, and I bear it with the Lord, with being the key word. But there is a different kind of turmoil, and I think many in our country feel it right now. It’s the turmoil of disagreement and strife among friends and family and believers that has risen due to issues of morality. It seems that we are all stepping over each other, raising our hands, jumping up and down, trying to get our version of “values” picked. I’m not saying we should be silent, Beloved. But here are some thoughts I’m wanting to focus on in these times…

I am comforted by the truth that this was never supposed to be my home. As believers, we are ambassadors! Think of a foreign ambassador and what they do! The US Ambassador to Kenya doesn’t try to make the Kenyans live and think and act like Americans. No, they simply represent their country to the best of their ability. We represent the Kingdom of God with the help of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes that means we put in our 2 cents about moral standards, I certainly don’t see why we can’t because as light we brighten and as salt we enhance–our words of truth and wisdom can be great gifts–but most of the time I think being an ambassador is just going to mean we remember we are strangers, we don’t expect to have a country at all like our own, we aim to hold true personally to the standards of our own King, and we offer luxurious gifts of grace and love from Him to anyone who will receive them.

I believe that the feelings that flare up inside when our moral standards are not agreed upon by the masses or the lawmakers comes from two things. One, we are feeling God’s sadness that people are turning farther and farther from His touch and His wise parental guidance. It’s hard to see our country which has been blessed as “One Nation Under God” slowly but surely make that last word taboo. It’s heartbreaking when believers interpret the Word differently than each other and feel that they could not possibly be wrong. Christian values doesn’t even mean the same thing to me as it may to you! That’s because none of us are perfectly in sync with the heart of God. But on the issues that I know for sure break God’s heart,  I am learning that these difficulties and disagreements should simply lead us to pray so much more, and make our grief over these things more of a vertical conversation rather than a horizontal one.

Two, I think we are upset because we’re simply afraid. It is normal for a child to feel fear when they are not given boundaries, or when they live inside boundaries but all of a sudden no one else is enforcing their playmate’s boundaries. When we feel the morality ship is starting to sink, we become afraid and insecure, because we see that the lack of boundaries is going to bring bondage and negative natural consequences instead of freedom and rewards, like we see in families where the parents refuse to discipline their children. When we feel afraid though, we must remember that this is not our home. We’re not supposed to settle in comfortably and build a fort around our families, hoping to escape the consequences of the actions we were four square against. Its just like in a marriage or a tight knit community. Whether you like what a loved one did or not, you’re likely going to have to suffer the effects of their choices right along with them, at the very least indirectly…and that makes us scared. And sure, angry, too. But we don’t need to be afraid.

We are just passing through, friends. We were not promised reward, physical freedom, luxury, ease, or safety here in this foreign land! We should expect turmoil, disagreement (while we don’t go looking for it, Jesus never once sugar coated the truth in order to make peace), misinterpretation of our beliefs, misunderstanding of our intentions… and we should bear up under these peaceably without taking offense, like Jesus. Don’t be afraid to live by your consciences, that doesn’t make you prejudiced or judgmental! That’s your right as a human being to think what you want! But we must remember the gentleness in which Jesus showed the heart of God to the world. As the Beloved, remember this: “When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly. He Himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by His wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:23-25)

The humility of a forgiven sinner can go a long way in shining the light of Jesus in a dark world.

I just finished putting the girls to bed, and was blessed with some very sweet moments. I admit I rush through bedtime so often! Just want to get.to.the.couch!  But tonight I was a little more at ease. I thought I’d share these…

I kissed Yemi goodnight and she said, “Can I sing a song to you?” And I said yes. She sang:
“Jesus loves the little mommies. All the mommies of the world. Yellow, red, and black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little mommies of the world.” 🙂

I kissed Selah goodnight and she said, “Can you lay down and talk for a minute?” And I said yes. (How thankful I am for that question! I hope she always asks!) She was talking about some struggles and thoughts for a minute. God is teaching me to listen and not freak out and offer too much advice; this will be a lifelong lesson for me, but for certain personalities, I’m learning they just need to talk things out and not have someone react but just listen and trust they will work it out. Anyway, then she got silly…then she got serious…then she said, “You know what, Mom? When I grow up, my dream is to be Abraham Lincoln #2. When I die I want to be able to say I did my very best to end slavery in the world.” I felt like a Jewish father on the Sabbath, resting my hand on her shoulder and blessing her, saying amen to that desire. (And of course I felt like I needed to say after blessing her that the Lord may choose to use her in a completely different way, and we must surrender to Him. Gotta stick that in there since it has been the story of my life!)

The Holy Spirit reminded me of the verse where Paul says to fan into flame the gifts of the Spirit by the laying on of hands, to affirm the thoughts and desires and ideas of the people of God. Oh, to “fan the gifts into flame” for our children! THAT is what I want to be doing these years! Those moments do not happen often around here, it seems, but I pray for more. More of what truly matters; less of the filler. It just reminds me that the everyday is sacred if we’ll have quiet hearts and invite Him in every space, every role, every moment.

Good evening, friends! I feel like I lost the past 3 weeks of my life! No reason to backtrack, it is nothing worth hearing! We were all sick…twice. Wah! But in that down time, I had a remarkable amount of reflecting, praying, journaling, thinking, talking, crying, and planning going on. I knew as it was going on that it was good, but I did begin to worry it might never let up…One can only handle so much of that stuff!

There’s a song I have been listening to a lot by Sara Groves, From This One Place. The chorus is “From this one place I can’t see very far. From this one moment I’m square in the dark. These are the things I will trust in my heart, that You can see, You can see, something else.” Its been rolling around in my head for days…The soundtrack of this difficult emotional and physical season.

I turned 35 in the middle of this time, and while I love birthdays and did get to celebrate (several times!), I was a little sad. From this one place, from this one moment, wow, I really cannot see very far. I am in more of a submissive position than ever to the Lord and others; I have finally learned how very little control I have over my destiny!!  With this fatigue issue comes a lot of research, discipline, investment of time and money, and honestly, questioning…”Will this work? Is this worth it? Am I doing enough? Am I changing the right things?” There were relationships that needed hours of working through. There were fears embedded deep at the root of things I wasn’t letting go of. There were and will be again days where I am clinging to this one thing: that He at least can see something else. I worked hard while I was sick!

In all of those feelings though, in all of the work I am required to do as the caretaker of my life here, there are certain solid truths that just carry me. They really lift me up and carry me. The belief that God personally calls me His Beloved and that everything He allows into my life goes through His hands first, that carries me. He is not bewildered or upset by my hurdles, and they are not for me to jump over anyway…they are for me to walk through hand in hand with Him. The knowledge that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and intercedes to the Father in accordance with His will every minute of every day, that carries me. The blessing of community, friends and family who would drop anything to be the Body of Christ to each other, that carries me.

 I like to soar, not be carried. But this is a good place.

I don’t think I talk a lot about adrenal fatigue on my blog, or in my every day life either, but lately I have begun to bring it up more. I’m not sure why…I guess it’s because I want people close to me to understand what I’m going through, and because I think that I need to make even more major changes and I want them to be on board with me. I will start with saying it’s really excruciatingly difficult to talk about. I don’t like being a needy or weak person! I like pushing through, I like a challenge, and I like to be on the top of my game. And I definitely don’t want to be that person who always has a problem or excuse.

But I’m going to use this blog to say what adrenal fatigue is, what it feels like, how it occurs, how one can recover, and what the possible lifelong ramifications of it can be.

First of all, the adrenal glands are tiny but very important organs. They put out all kinds of hormones to keep us stable. They release adrenaline to help us deal with stresses such as blood sugar crashes, exercise, and scary incidents! They also release cortisol (which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Cortisol is released to balance the adrenaline, and so if one is dealing with too many blood sugar crashes, exercise, and stressful incidents, they become a cortisol making machine. High cortisol is dangerous, causes belly fat, and is linked to heart disease.) The adrenals cannot keep up with the making of these stress hormones and then when you need them, the hormones aren’t there to help you stabilize. Adrenals also make DHEA, estrogen, testosterone, and aldosterone.

Adrenal fatigue is usually caused by some kind of physical or emotional trauma, one that is either drawn out or something unexpected like a car wreck. It’s really common for people with adrenal fatigue to be “driven”, or overworked like a mom with little children or a medical student. Mine began while I was a missionary in one of the hardest places to live on the planet, I’ve been told. My body went through a lot there, and I am also a “driven person” (although I have changed a lot through the years.) I left Africa 12 years ago, and have had symptoms off and on ever since.

It feels a lot like the flu, with aches, mind fogginess, need for about 12 hours of sleep but often insomnia, and extreme exhaustion. For me, there were years where it also was accompanied by a weak immune system, headaches, panicky feelings, and random fevers. Before I even had a diagnosis, there were a few years in those 9 that I thought I was healed! Those were the years that Selah (almost 8) was conceived, my first year of raising her, and June 2011 to June 2012. Each time all the symptoms returned for no reason that I can find. I finally learned three years ago that I have adrenal fatigue, and it was a great relief to be armed with books and knowledge. There is no way to try everything recommended unless you lived alone and had money you didn’t know what to do with, but here is the basic plan for recovery.

*Chill out. Quit your job if you have to. (I have quit multiple jobs as the symptoms returned.) Let go of pressures and as many responsibilities as it humanly possible. Try to steer clear of stressful people and figure out what your own expectations are that you are clinging to.
*Exercise less. Only exercise to the point of exhilaration, not exhaustion. (I am doing 15 min a day and I think I’ve found a happy medium…finally!)
*Do not try to lose weight, but eat nutrient dense food all day long. Don’t allow yourself to be hungry. Eat power foods, and at least 5 full cups of fruits and veggies daily. No caffeine, fast food, fried food, or processed food.
*Get rid of all added sugar, this wears out the adrenals. Even have to be careful of some fruits, like bananas and raisins.
*See if you have any food allergies or sensitivities to chemicals like cleaners or detergent. Allergies are a stress to the body.
*Sleep from 10pm to 9am or at least be in bed that much. (Some of you are laughing. I know it’s not possible with little kids, but at least you could say these are the times you are ALLOWED to lay around.) And speaking of allowing yourself to lay around, take 2 fifteen minute “naps” just laying wherever you are with eyes closed. I never have once slept during these, but just close my eyes and breathe deeply.
*There’s a ton of supplements to try, but the most important thing is to be tested and find out what you’re lacking before you buy anything. Someone with adrenal fatigue will need DHEA which is an over the counter supplement and it takes a while to find out how much you need. I have went from 5 mg to 45 mg, and still rising. It’s frustrating to go back for blood work so often, but it’s the only way to figure it out.

If you don’t deal with it, AF can turn into a host of other illnesses, including Addison’s disease, Thyroid disease, MS, and because of the cortisol issue, heart disease.

So something shifted in my perspective as I laid in bed with strep and the flu this weekend. If my throat had not felt like there were knives in there, plus the white stuff I saw with the flashlight, I would not have even went to the doctor. I was so tired and achy I wanted to cry, but I had felt like that off and on for months. I genuinely felt no different with the flu than I normally feel, after that first day in bed. That was alarming to me.

I spent a lot of time reading and researching again to see if there was anything new, and so far, there isn’t. I’ve already made the changes I know to make…except…

I don’t know how to stay chilled out. I don’t know how to not have goals and expectations of myself! I don’t think I have pressure from others in my life…I think it’s all me. As soon as I have a day that I feel decent, I make all kinds of plans. And I know that having adrenal fatigue doesn’t mean I can’t be involved in things…but it does mean I cannot get involved in things that would stress me or make me have a long to-do list. (But I love my to-do lists!) I wrote out all of my responsibilities and there were seven main categories. In each category, I am asking God to show me not necessarily what physical job I need to let go of, but what expectation/worry about them that I need to let go of. There is a big difference between quitting something, and quitting worrying about something. I realized this weekend that if I have had this for 12 years, there is a good chance that even when I feel great again-which i will someday-my adrenals will always be in need of t.l.c. so my choices are not short term, they are changes I have to make for good. I’m asking for the Holy Spirit to just show me how to do this!

So that is where I’m at. I had said last year that my new years resolution for 2013 was to “hang out more” but it wasn’t long before I had a long list of other ideas. Crossing them off now. This is the life God has given me, and I need to learn how to live it.

Yeah, Moses and I go way back. I love this story from start to finish, but today I want to write about just the beginning of Moses’ life and mission. I relate to this Old Testament Bible character more than any other, and I continue to learn from the raw and real substance that made up his humanity.

Oops! I totally forgot that I started a series of blogs about finances. Let me wrap that up for goodness sake…

In the previous blogs, I wrote that having a budget and sticking to it matters for so many reasons and I just can’t say that enough. We have freedom to give only when we are good stewards of what God has given us! Being stable enough to help others requires sacrifice. Knowing where our money is going -every penny- and not having the expectation that we deserve to rise to a higher standard of living are a couple good places to start.

1) Make a budget with detailed categories, and project how much should be spent in each category.

2) One category should be a savings account (separate from your other savings account). This account should be for the things you know you will need to spend money on in the year, such as property taxes, or any bill that just comes once or twice a year, making it hard to put in a monthly budget. I add together all these types of yearly expenditures, divide it by 12, and put that amount in the savings monthly. Then we don’t have to freak out when the car needs repairs, etc, because we knew it would happen eventually and we were (somewhat and sometimes!!) prepared.

3) Think about how much you’re spending on health. It’s an important investment, and there may be changes you can make to insurance, prescriptions, gyms, etc. to make it better and less expensive at the same time.

Okay, that was a re-cap. Now onto a few more ideas.

4) Stuff for our Kids: This is when it gets hard, and I struggle through this weekly, but here are a few things I’m trying to do. One, make a cash envelope, or at least a specific budget if not actually setting aside cash, for each child, to cover their birthday, Christmas, and other special holiday type gifts. Decide how much you think is appropriate to spend and only spend that much, and don’t give in to picking up things for them every time you’re at Target. Easier said than done, I know, but these are extras, non-necessities. We want to teach our kids to appreciate gifts because they aren’t used to always getting what they want/new things. Two, make a Family Fun cash envelope or budget and decide at the beginning of the month how you’ll spend it. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Find free activities after that! They need to see there’s a limit. We don’t have to say “Money doesn’t grow on trees”, we show them. Lastly, involvement in extracurricular stuff: I believe in investing in God given talents and I’m glad my parents did that for me. But doing one type of team or lesson at a time is a pretty good rule I’ve heard from a lot of parents, so kids have to choose and they put more value into what they’re doing.

5) This one will be short and that is the “Bills” category. What are your needs and what are your wants? We should know the difference, right?

6) We have a miscellaneous category in our budget. It’s a good and a bad thing! Good because life happens and there is just no way you can project everything that is going to be paid for in a month. But bad because things can really pile up in there. Haircuts. Stamps. Parking. If every penny has to be accounted for in some part of the budget, where does one put “$10 Dog Toy”? In Miscellaneous.

7) Giving: A couple things here. One, we don’t give under compulsion or by any rules. As believers, we give to where we see the Body of Christ at work, because this and not a building is the Church! Second, I weigh a lot of things against the fact that sponsoring a child in a third world country, giving them food, shelter, education, safety, and opportunity to know Jesus, costs $35 a month. Whenever we take on some kind of monthly bill and it comes to anywhere near this number, I am thinking, “Hmmm…upgrade the phone or save a child’s life?” I’m serious. This is the intensity that my poor husband has to live with.

8) Cash Envelopes. It’s a Dave Ramsey thing and it’s seriously worth it. Some people do it for almost everything, we do it for the areas of the budget where overspending is a habit: eating out, family fun, individual blow money. Sometimes if grocery starts to get a little crazy, I’ll do the cash thing for a month or two to get it under control again. Like Pinkalicious’ Mom says: “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.”

9) Shopping. You know, it’s inevitable that you’re going to need some new things, but here’s an idea…A friend of mine and I went a year once without buying anything new. I mean, we bought deodorant and stuff, but no new shoes or clothes or appliances or whatever. We bought only necessities for a year, and it was really fun. It made me consider how much money is spent that really didn’t need to be spent. Ads are pretty powerful, and the fact is if there is an ad for it, you most likely do not need it. Notice how they don’t make commercials for electricity, running water, and the most basic of clothes, cars, and hygiene products? Nope. The ads are for bigger and better and brighter, and they make you think its something you should get in on, but someone is rolling in the dough at our expense. (Don’t get me started on kids toys or electronics!! The new models that come out every year with one tiny thing upgraded on it!! Makes me want to gag!!)

10) Last thing, make an emergency budget of what you absolutely could not live without and compare it to your existing budget. See how bad things could be? If you have no savings, I recommend living on the emergency budget until you have three months of that amount (your total emergency budget monthly needs) saved.

Well, I hope this wasn’t too boring or annoying. Maybe everyone is already doing this and tons more, that’s great! I just like to share what I’m learning, hope it helps!

Let’s say that on Tuesday of this week you were met with a series of difficult circumstances all colliding at once. Perhaps you found out that your best just wasn’t really cutting it in your job or in an important relationship. You began to wonder who was going to make you cry next. Financial problems and health problems and people problems…

Then today, Wednesday, you get a series of affirming words and you feel some peace about relationships. You see that the finances could be worse, or maybe even something good happens in that area. You got a decent night of sleep and your health issue seems to be tolerable at least. The sun shines yet again, and you don’t feel as lost in the dark…

Which day would you be more likely to say these statements:
“The Lord is with me.”
“I am prospering.”
“I am being given success right now in everything I am doing.”
“God is granting me favor with people.”
“God is showing me kindness.”
“I am to the point of even forgetting my former trouble.”
“God has made me fruitful in my suffering.”

I would be more likely to say these statements, and in fact I did say these statements, on Wednesday. But on Tuesday? No. On Tuesday, I was busy feeling abandoned and confused and stressed. Not fruitful. Not successful. Just the opposite.

I have always liked the story of Joseph. Starting in Genesis 37, we know Joseph is in for it with his brothers. Boasting about dreams, being his father’s favorite, it was about all they could take…and eventually his brothers sell him to some Egyptians. It’s an amazing story that shares a real life example of Romans 8:28! And when Joseph was sold into slavery, when he was falsely accused, when he was thrown into prison, the Word of God specifically declares every single one of the truths I mentioned above–about Joseph–right in the middle of his circumstances. These things weren’t said after the Pharoah got him out of prison or after his brothers apologized or after Joseph’s wisdom and gifts saved lives. (Gen. 39:2-4, Gen. 39:20-23, Gen. 41:51-52) It was on the bad days that these things were true, as well as the “good” days.

God does things in a way that is beyond our understanding, so He invites us to be a child and trust Him. “Oh for grace to trust Him more!”