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Life Today

Yemi is watching the last five minutes of Elmo’s World, which she loves. She’s wearing a little apron and playing in her kitchen at the same time. It’s fun to be with her every morning! Selah is at school, her 9th day of kindergarten. I have such mixed feelings every time I go into her room. I think she would be bored if she were home with me, because I just don’t have the mojo to keep her going all day–and maybe I shouldn’t have to, but until I figure out how all of us can survive in this same space 12 hours a day and be happy, this is the right thing to do! I am still deeply in prayer about sending her to school vs. homeschool.

I do not believe that there is one across the board answer for every parent, such as “homeschooling is the only way for your kids to be raised in the admonition of the Lord.” However, I need to know if God is telling us specifically that His calling on Selah’s life does require her to be homeschooled. That is my prayer, and I have to trust Him to tell me. Right now, I feel sad that she is gone, and I often think of things we would be doing if she was home. But at the same time, I am glad she is having this experience, and when she gets home we jump into the most important things that we used to do together, things that are the priority of our lives. I am so concerned that these things are her priority–the Word, worship, learning how to be more like Jesus, the nations, hearing the Lord personally–but I’m not sure that staying home with me every day is the way this will happen. For myself, these priorities happen through some things at home, like disciplines, but even more so they happen as I live out my daily life, in relationships, goals, difficulties, even conflicts.
Also under the category of “life today”, I am struggling big time with my health again. I feel like it is affecting me even mentally and emotionally this time; I would say the blame falls on myself and on attack of the enemy. There are a list of things I know in my heart I have to do right now in order to be well and feel focused. I’m sure everyone has these things in mind. For me, I see these daily things as obedience, not just a good idea…therefore, I’ve had to repent of my laziness and bad choices! It’s been hard. Do I ever get a break from trying my best to live this wise life? When I “take a break”, I am the one who ends up suffering. Hopefully I will learn that soon! In the meantime, I am taking one day at a time, knowing I cannot obey these simple callings on my own. I am leaning on my Beloved. I am coming to Him all day. I am lost without Him. I don’t know how other people feel. I would assume they feel a lot more stable…but I just don’t. I will again though, with the help of the Lord.
Obedience is serious. I am definitely in a time of the discipline of the Lord right now (Heb. 12), and I have tasted the fruit…it’s worth it. I just have to remember He disciplines those He loves. I will be stronger and more able to serve Him and be where He is at, through obeying these simple (yet all consuming) callings on my life right now. Guess that’s enough processing through this for today!
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On Track?

Every day is a new chance to get on track, and in sync, and aware, and awake. Especially after a weekend where all structure and diets fly out the window, Monday feels like an important day to make good choices. It seems like every day, even multiple times during the day, I have that chance to be engaged in the right things or not. I don’t know if it is normal for it to be so hard, but to me it IS hard!!!

I have prayed lately for God to be the fire inside of me, burning away desires that are not wise, and motivating me toward the thoughts and actions that are. So He is answering that prayer. I can take no credit, because I feel the constant struggle and am not strong enough to always do the right thing. It’s on my mind way too much. But He is answering that prayer because I feel His power at work. If the incarnate Christ lives in me, then I have the mind of Christ. If the Spirit lives in me, then I possess self-control and wisdom. I am a co-laborer with Him in living a wise life. I am not living in the dullness or confusion of not making my own decisions and letting life happen to me. I’m learning that this thing of “being on track” is not going to happen through rules or even a schedule, a diet or a structure. It’s going to happen because I’m asking for more of Him, and less of me, and He is good enough to be answering that prayer.
While I am more comfortable with rules than with trusting myself to live by the Spirit, oh what a true sentence that is, I know God wants me to stay on track WITH Him, certainly not just for Him…
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Yemi

Our darling Yemisrach has been here in our home for 15 months, and this week I was blessed with a much-needed, fresh perspective on this blessing!

Yemi surviving her first 8 and a half months in Ethiopia first of all, and then joining our family is a miracle in itself. She is a sweet, beautiful, smart, and fun addition to our family. Knowing God leaves the 99 to go after the 1 is one thing; seeing Him do it in the physical realm is another, and I have learned so much about that crazy kind of love through our personal experience of adoption. We are so glad God led us to adopt!
However, in the midst of having a 2 year old who screams a lot…who is strong willed…who won’t go in nursery (well, she did today for the 1st time ever, thank you Kendra!)…who tends to be negative…some days I have forgotten just how precious and miraculous she is. I’ve been a little unmotivated in my desire to be the kind of mom I truly want to be. Also, because of the way that I have felt recently, I was nervous about Selah going to school and me being alone with Yemi all day. Then I happened upon a blog by a friend who is in a very difficult phase of their adoption. It broke my heart, because I remember that feeling during our own adoption process of not knowing if God would deliver us/Yemi from the situation or not, and if He was going to, when? There was no Plan B. God would deliver and help, or this dream of being together would end.
As I was reading that blog and interceding for God’s movement in their adoption process, I was flooded with thankfulness and relief that I was within earshot of Yemi’s screams! The embarrassing fits or aggravating complaints are just proof that she is near me and not on the other side of the world! I have new eyes and ears. I’ve fallen in love with her all over again this week as Selah has been out of town.
The miracle is fresh and new. I can’t believe we are in on it!
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A Journal Entry

Last night in prayer with some friends, I felt like an understanding crept into my heart…wanted to share this from my journal:

“Wherever we are in life right now, even if it feels like we’re wandering around in a wilderness far away from the point or what we thought was the point, when we humble ourselves and make walking with God our only real goal and priority, that vast wilderness becomes a path…dare I say, instantly. Out of the wilderness that held us captive and confused, arises a path to walk on. A path that will take its own time leading us here or there, up or down, wherever God is going to let you go with Him. A path that shows us that when we are looking at Him and not at ourselves, there is absolutely no chance of being lost, or regretful, regardless how much we have indeed lost.
I hate the idea of being lost, wasting time, missing the point, never grasping all God wanted me to do. All I can do is think about what I must have done wrong, what I must find a way to do better. But His promise is sure. We can word it however it feels right, but hopefully we are all saying this promise is sure: Our utter fulfillment as humans and as children of God is to spend our lives being the object of His affection, and in turn, knowing Him deeper and deeper each day. Who are we to learn to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength first of all firsts? Who were we created for before spouses, before sin, before schedules and jobs and everyday life? God. Until this is in first place, with what love do we love our families, neighbors, and the world? Our love is a response to His love. The human-divine intimacy will always be the source.
I feel like we do not wander in the wilderness out of stupidity or cluelessness or even false teachings, at least I can say for those who strongly desire to leave. We wander in the wilderness out of pride. We cannot believe that it could be this basic, to lay down our kingdoms and all we wanted to say we did for God on that final day, and never pick it back up again, choosing a life of surprises instead.”
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My Girl

My girl is growing up! How does one handle such a thing? Selah is five years old, and although her drama gets old, I would not mind if she was able to be magically frozen at this exact age! I have said that every year (okay, every year since she turned three). She is just an amazing kid! So smart, witty, funny, and beautiful. She amazes us everyday with her outgoing personality and truly loving demeanor. Right now, I particularly love putting her to bed at night, seeing her first thing in the morning (I love that fresh but sleepy face!), and worshipping with her at home and at church. She’s lovely and precious. And she starts kindergarten in about 6 weeks. Will I survive?
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Being Loved and Other Stuff

I felt the love of the Lord today.

I am the kind of person that “feels” loved if I do a good job. Like, at the end of the day if I have done all the things I consider good and important, I feel a nod of approval. I don’t realize most days that this nod of approval is totally in my head or psyche or whatever, and not necessarily God smiling down on me…it’s just how I naturally feel when all is right and in control in my little world. And then of course the opposite happens as well. If I am feeling tired or crappy, or if I’m feeling fine but just not motivated, then my day might feel like quite the failure because I didn’t connect with my kids well or help anyone or even communicate with God much.
So today I was very tired from 2 days away (so fun by the way) and I did absolutely nothing. I am feeding frozen pizza to my family tonight. We watched TV all day. I didn’t exercise or have prayer time or take care of the house or visit anyone. But right smack in the middle of all this wonderful laziness, I was watching Veggie Tales with the girls and Jr. Aspagarus sang, “And so, it’s good to know You really love me, it’s true the Bible says You do, You really love me, Your love was with me all throughout my day.” I felt the rush of the love of God, and we all just stopped and worshipped. The girls both were saying “Jesus!” because they felt His presence, too. His love isn’t like: “I feel sorry for you, you pitiful thing, yes, just for today I will show you love, but tomorrow you better get with it.” In fact, His love was saying to me that even if I had done everything in a day that I know I am supposed to do, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.
Every day isn’t like this. Every day holds “obedience opportunities” and I don’t want to miss them. But it is wonderful to know His love is the same, beating strong and overflowing with delight in us…all the time, no matter what. It is the base of all good living.
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Arbys and Allergies

Okay, I still don’t know what happened today! I took the kids to Arbys, had a sandwich and about 10 curly fries, and 30 minutes later, I was in an ambulance with the symptoms of anaphylactic shock. I still have a headache and my stomach still hurts from it. It is so weird how I am having more sensitivities and allergic reactions than I was before I started eating really healthily and taking supplements to heal my adrenals. Surely what I am doing is good, and my body was just shocked by something in the food, but it hasn’t been very long since I ate fast food. In fact, I’ve eaten pizza several times in the past 2 weeks!

This allergic reaction is the worst one I have ever had. With cats, I break out into hives and a headache, and have trouble breathing. Today, I had all of that, plus much more. My legs and arms hurt so bad I ended up not being able to walk, and my stomach hurt more than when I was in labor. I wonder if I will ever know what ingredient caused this! I have read stories in my books about adrenal fatigue that sound just like this; about people who have a reaction to rancid oils (which definitely is what I had today: reused, old oil to make fries) or who all of a sudden have bodily systems jump off the deep end because they have been in need of repair for so long.
Although these people will never read this blog, I am so so so grateful to Dr. Kristina Knisely and her whole staff at Norton Community Medical Associates. This is Selah’s pediatrician’s office. They were so wonderful and caring to me and my girls until the ambulance came for me. I am so thankful I made it to their office, and they helped me, because I didn’t want to make a big deal about what I was experiencing but it was getting really out of my control. I’m so thankful for Jack’s grandma, Pat Hodges. She is always there for us. All of us! I don’t like to be a person in need, but today, I really really was. I could not take care of myself and my girls for that 45 minutes or so. It was scary and I couldn’t even dial the phone, but God provided really loving people to help us through it. (It made me want to be one of those loving people that can be called upon!)
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Allergens

I just have to vent about allergies! What a dumb topic, but still the topic on my mind. I have been feeling better, as I undergo this adrenal fatigue treatment: taking a “nap” everyday; a nice variety of supplements, vitamins, and medicines; eating often, strategically for energy, and low-sugar, and even no dairy as I learned I’m allergic to pasteurized milk; doing the right amount of exercise (too much messes everything up, too little is not good either); steering clear of stresses or anything that would wear me out (this part of the therapy I do not mind!); getting rid of cleaners and other stuff I use that have chemicals in them…The list could go on.

And I am thankful for all this info, so thankful actually, because I have had good days which is more than I can say for the past fall & winter. But then there are days again that just knock the breath out of me. Yesterday and today are two of those days! I need to be patient and chill, but instead all I can do is think about what I did differently to cause me to feel tired and out of it again. I think I exercised too hard Sunday and Monday, so that may have made me more tired Monday and Tuesday. But other than that, all it can come down to is allergies! Dang allergies!
I’m allergic to mosquito bites and it’s like I can feel them making me itchy and tired. I guess I’m allergic to the stuff I have to put in Yemi’s hair everyday, and I don’t know what to do about that. There are not a lot of choices there. I’m cleaning with vinegar, and only washing my hair once a week with Aveeno. I don’t even know what kind of soap to buy because I’m allergic to anything organic, and anything not organic has sulfates and chemicals that I may not respond to externally but am having a reaction to internally. As soon as I start to feel all “allergic” I go crazy cleaning my house because I think it’s my own fault for not having kept everything dust-free, but then I’m even more tired.
I need to live in a bubble!! I am tired of being a human science experiment, trying to figure out why I all of a sudden feel weak and exhausted…is it a food I ate or a chemical in the air I breathed? I have spent years trying to figure it out and it’s driving me crazy! And the worst part is, I know now that every time I struggle with my allergies, that is making my adrenals work harder, and when my adrenals work harder that means I am not going to be feeling well. I know this is a dumb thing to blog about, but for anyone reading, now you know the details! I just want to be well and stay well, without all this massive attention to it, and i’m okay with the fact that it’s going to take time…I’m just upset that I’m doing all I know to do but still can’t get away from ALLERGIES!
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Today

I totally realize that I don’t write about anything deep on this blog…I guess I thought that I would when I started it, but I just don’t have a lot of time to “go there” these days, er, years…But anyway, I just wanted to blog about my little but wonderful day.

I feel so much peace today. There are still questions and concerns out there, but they don’t have the weight they did just a few days ago. Some important things have been resolved, but some haven’t, and it’s okay. So, some of this peace is circumstantial, but a good bit of it is not. In worship today, we just sat enveloped in the love of God, utterly aware of the truth that we are a delight to Him and that we were created to adore Him which is simply a response to His love for us first! With tears streaming down my face, all I could think was, “I want every day to begin like this. I can’t remember how to live or how to function correctly as a believer, Lord, I am hopeless! But I know if You come to me like You are right now, nothing will stand in the way of Your glory today in me.”
I am thankful for today- every bit of it. I’m thankful that I was with my family, that the sky was incredibly blue and the clouds incredibly fluffy. I’m thankful that we got to eat out, because that is a non-necessity that I still don’t take lightly. I’m thankful that my body is being healed, and that the dozen things that were going wrong are now beginning to go right; I’m thankful for the wisdom and insight that I am gleaning and will continue to gain by the hand of God. I’m thankful that even when I continually mess up, God is giving me the desire to make better decisions for true wholeness for my body and soul. I’m thankful my nephew and mother in law are doing well and out of the hospital! I’m thankful that I’m gaining peace as I gradually adjust to the idea of Selah starting kindergarten in a mere 2 months (okay, I admit very gradually, slowly and painfully adjust!!)
Life is hard, but God really is good. I am not at a point where I can say it’s a rest stop in the journey, not at all, but I am feeling like some of the steepest climbs are over for now. Maybe we can move on and think about some new things now…
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The Last Month!

Where do I begin?

May was such an absolute blur, and to be honest, I’m glad it’s done with. I’m hoping June will bring some slower, lazy days where we can go to the pool, actually think about what we’re eating instead of cramming in “party food”, and not have lots of stuff to write in on the calendar. I guess some people like being busy, but I’m not really one of them…
However, I do love being with friends, family, and showing love to people, so these are worthy things for the calendar space! We plan to go to Holiday World with my mom and dad; hopefully see little baby Jackson, my new nephew who was born on Jack’s birthday, just last week; spend time with Jack’s family as we rejoice that his mom is out of the hospital and doing better; go to the zoo and water park with friends; have a family get-together midsummer to celebrate as Yemi turns 2 and Selah turns 5. (We are combining their birthdays now! Yay for consolidation!)
Selah actually turned 5 TODAY! We have had lots of birthday fun with her, I’ll post about that later. Also, I’ll be excited to post about the good things happening in my health lately and the improvements I am starting to see.