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It’s late

oh my word, it is late. I haven’t been up until 1 a.m. in ages, and for good reason! But tonight, I ate too much chocolate and I have acid reflux and can’t sleep. Pitiful, I know! It may set off my sleep clock for quite a while unfortunately, but sometimes its natural consequences such as these that wake me to reality…i.e. make me stop eating too much chocolate.

I never was very good at kicking bad boyfriends to the curb.
But I’m still trying.
What i really want to write about at this crazy late hour before I start my fun week of fall break with my girls, is: Careers. Currently, I do not have one. Since the age of 14, my heart was set on being a missionary. A missionary who learns languages, loves on people, does basic health care and education where needed, writes, and sings. That really is my heart right there, all wrapped up in one sentence. But what a big weird situation I’m in, seeing as how I am in a little town in Ky, doing very little of this dream job description.
How did I get here, how am I going to get out, am I supposed to get out? Ah, who knows except the Lord. I usually don’t get too worried about, at least not these days because my life is full with what I DO have in my hands, leaving less time to care about what I do NOT have in my hands. But lately, with some job issues and such, and a few tiny thoughts about the future, I’ve been thinking…If being on the mission field isn’t in the cards for me, what is? What is supposed to become of these parts of me that are not being used?
Here are some ideas of what I could go back to school for: Teaching ESL. Counseling (mental health/grief/pastoral/wellness). Campus ministry. Special Education. Something I could do with writing/languages. (I love words.) Hmm. I just never considered that I would need a skill or degree that would be useful in the United States; when I was in college, I was thinking about underdeveloped nations, and to be honest, I still am. But I can’t imagine, with my health, and now with my daughters, living in the midst of that anymore. I didn’t have a back up plan.
My girls will have to double major and get a sensible Masters Degree, that’s all I ask. 🙂
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The Poisonwood Bible

Wowza. I read the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver this weekend. My, how it brought me back.

Ten years ago, I lived in Mali, West Africa…for just one year. It’s a year I remember better than any year of my life, and yet it doesn’t feel like it’s possible that it was THIS body that was there. It feels like another lifetime or a very long dream or a movie you grew up watching. I never talk about it, and I think that is because there are just no words. No one in my life was there to witness it with me, except one good friend who lives in TX now, and even with her, our memories are enough. It’s just too heavy for words.
But this book. This author knows how to describe the taste, smell, feeling of an African village. She is remarkable, the sheer amount of lessons carefully weaved into this piece of historical fiction. It should be read by anyone going to Africa, period, especially going as a missionary. It’s painful and scary, as is Africa! But it’s beautiful and real, as is Africa as well. I realize I’m not giving any real thoughts or details here; I’m not even telling anyone to read the book, because it could mess you up entirely! But in my soul, it stirs what has always been there. It’s not as raw and broken as it used to be, because I’m sealed inside this new season of life, a season of life where God has chosen a different slew of priorities for me. But it is still there. I’ll always love the people of Africa with a huge portion of my heart; I hope some of them in the village of Dialakorobougou know it.
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Lovely Thursday

Ah, this is indeed lovely. I recognize that I am one of the very few moms out there with this luxury: My mom comes every Thursday to watch my kids. Sometimes she even does a little (or a lot of) house cleaning. It’s a shot in the arm, in those months of sickness or in those days that I actually feel well enough to get out and have lunch with a friend. Oh, God bless my mother!

Today, I slept until 11:45. That would be 14 hours! For over a week now, I have been sleeping like a dream, oh my gosh, I cannot describe how miraculous it is to be sleeping without medication!!! I am off Ambien and Trazodone, and using a mixture of some natural things and it’s working better than the officially serious drugs. (For any insomniacs out there: 3 mg Melatonin, 100 mg Phosphatidylserine, 200 mg Magnesium). Anyway, so what feels so great -and I just have to revel in it because my health has made me really depressed the last month and now things are looking up- is that I am CHOOSING to spend the day in bed today until my mom leaves, instead of being forced to. I feel great! I’m just going to listen to teaching CDs, read (I may even indulge in a little fiction), and later spend some time exercising, cleaning, and cooking. Thursdays are also especially fun because it’s almost the weekend, where all bets are off as far as I’m concerned.
It’s days like this that I must remember are coming, for sanity’s sake. It’s also days like this that remind me that people want to know how they can help. As moms, we stink at asking for help or clearly stating to our families/husbands/whatever what thing they could do that would rock our worlds. If we told them and planned for it, we might just be happier, relaxed, and have more “me” days than we thought possible…and I won’t let anyone tell me that that’s a bad thing! One last thought: It’s days like this (where I feel well yet also have a chance to chill) that I can see clearly enough to know that eating junk food or candy IS NOT the sum total of fun and relaxation. I tend to think if I’m calling a total chill day that I must stock my bedside table with unhealthy foods and watch TV all day. But when i’m feeling well enough to use my little brain, I know that days like this can be a great time to perpetuate the wellness, not drive it to extinction!
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Still Thinking About Songs

Well, so far today has not worked out how I planned…it is better!


We wanted to go to church; Yemi and I have strep throat, but are not contagious anymore, and we needed to get out of the house! But at about 11 a.m., she decided she needed an early nap, so I’ve had the luxurious privilege of about 2 hours with the Lord. I was listening to some teaching by Martha Kilpatrick (amazing!), and then I saw on my iTunes where I had recorded some “new” songs last fall.

I have laid it down, this singing thing. I don’t think about it often. But…when I am reminded that I am a singer-songwriter, when I reminded of these old and new songs, when I sing, something kind of wakes up on the inside. There are a whole 10 people waiting for me to make a new CD, and that is enough motivation for me! However, there are so many things holding me back. Let me explore that real quick…

I need a band. Quite honestly, my piano ballads with just my voice are a bit boring. Yet, that is what I write, and I need a producer and band to give energy and life to my lyrics and melodies. What I produce completely on my own just isn’t enough for an entire CD; I have more than enough songs, I just need some additional input from several others who “get” me. That is hard to find.

It’s been a hard year, and so many times I have thought I may never get to be behind the piano singing my own concert again. Throat problems, health problems, time problems. I actually, on a spiritual level, needed to get away from it; I needed to come to the place where I knew I couldn’t do anything for the Lord until I learned to do nothing for Him. But I think, just for fun, it is going to happen again. Maybe even soon! I’m dreaming of a little concert where I just am who I am. I’m not great on the guitar, that’s a fact; I’m not interesting on the piano, another fact! BUT I can just be who I am where I am…and trust God will use that.

If you happen to be a “fan”, pray for me. That’s all I need. I seek Him first and He can add whatever He wants. 🙂
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Waiting for my Eggs to Boil

Literally, I am waiting for my eggs to boil. Yemi is in her highchair eating cinnamon toast (no sugar of course), and I thought I’d blog for a minute waiting for my eggs to become as hard boiled as possible. (I hate soft boiled eggs!)

So…I thought I’d briefly just share some random thoughts. Someday I will be cool enough to put a picture along with each thought, but today is not that day. Someone on Facebook said that Facebook is causing narcissism among young adults, so in honor of that, here’s a post with every sentence starting with “I”.
I – have a sore throat and plan to spend my day on the couch as much as possible.
I- am giving up on potty training Yemi for awhile. I’m just not sure she understands.
I- found out yesterday Yemi’s speech is perfectly normal, if not advanced, much to my surprise.
I- am reading Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by 18th century writer Madame Jeanne Guyon and it is amazing.
I- have worn out my John Mark McMillan CD.
I- am going to church with my family 3x a week now, which is a really nice improvement over zero!
I- cannot lose a pound. Not even one. Counting carbs, eating crazy well, no sugar, exercise 5 days a week. Not a pound.
I- am happy it’s Friday and a 3 day weekend…more time with Selah and fun family days. No major plans, but it’ll just be good. I like the norm very much, but it’s just fun to get out of it sometimes.
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Singing…

“Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning
Give me oil in my lamp I pray;
Give me oil in my lamp
keep it burning, burning, burning
keep it burning ‘to the end of days’.”
Someone sang this last night at Elizabethtown House of Prayer (EHOP)–which i LOVE, by the way–and it just resonated with me. I have no idea how long ago it was that I heard this song, but probably it was with children. It’s just a little children’s song…but it is the sum of my prayers these days!
I have a great life, but I am still in a place at all times when I am desperate for the Lord to fill me with motivation, joy, and energy FOR the life and daily tasks and relationships He has given me. I am lazy, I am lost…I would choose TV and sugar over obedience and love, I would. Every day would be a struggle over SELF, in one way or another. If it wasn’t laziness or depression, it would be ambition and accomplishment, pride, overachieving. He is my hope, my new mercies every morning to live my days with Him and for Him. And I also think of how I need His fire to burn in me, not just for fire and motivation to obey, but the refining fire of holiness. I want to come out of every season of the soul, every season of this temporal life, the good, bad, and ugly, shining. Our faith is imperishable, it is better than gold, (1 Peter 1) and my prayer is– both in the small everyday trials and at the end of days– that I (my faith) would come out shining! His fire in me is the only way.
Also, in this song, we’re asking Him that when He returns, we’d be ready. We’d be those watchmen on the wall…we’d be those brides waiting, with plenty of oil for the whole night long, not running dry mere moments before the Groom arrives to retrieve them and rescue them! I think about how much attention we pay to everything temporal and how little attention we pay to everything that matters. He tarries His return because He waits for the sons of God to wake up and be found in Him upon His arrival. I’ll end this post with one more song about the same thing…it’s by Misty Edwards, and this is just a snippet of it.
“Come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
until You and I are one…”
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The Break Up

This week, I did something I’ve known I needed to do for a long time.

I broke up with sugar.
It was a clean break, no negotiations.
It wasn’t exactly mutual, but he’ll just have to get over me.
Or is the other way around?
Sugar is like a bad boyfriend, really. After the break-up, he has showed up everywhere I am. I’m like, “Really? Seriously?” I mean, come on! Like I want to see him every time I see my friends!
I told him we could rendezvous a little on holidays, but we will not be alone together under any circumstances!
It would be nice to never be near him again, but alas…this is not realistic. He’ll be hanging around forever, sometimes even hidden when I least expect him. However, I am sure that this was the right decision for me. He was not good to me, and he’s never going to change!
Life is sweet enough without him. (So take that!)
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Love Song

“I can’t understand this work of grace

how a perfect God would come and take my place…
Stars, they don’t move you
the waves can’t undo you
the mountains in their splendor cannot steal your heart;
this God who is holy
perfect in beauty
awesome in glory
is ravished by my heart…
Though I’m poor You say I am lovely
though I’m dark You say I am beautiful…
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart…”
I can’t stop singing this song, even though I have known it for over a year now. I feel like I have fallen deeper into grace than I ever have before. The fact is, I am an over achiever and while I consciously don’t realize my self righteousness, I do believe that I can accomplish my goals on my own. I am upset when I can’t. And I’ve fallen deeper into grace because this week I saw once again where my striving gets me! There truly is nothing good in me. Even if I was meeting every expectation that I set out for myself, emphasis on I, it would only be because of God’s amazing grace, strength, and help anyway. It’s crazy how in the midst of this utter realization of my power, or lack of power I should say, that is when God brings me one step deeper and farther into holiness and His path and even seemingly impossible challenges to obey. To me, this is so backwards! In my mind, I would think that if I “failed” and was truly unable, God would (at best) kinda leave me alone…but instead it seems as if He is glad I know now what He always knew, and even better, is totally crazy in love with me
As I heard someone sing last night, “I hide in the wounds of the Lamb.” This means to me that I expect to live a holy life, not a never ending cycle of sin/forgiveness that means nothing to me, but at the same time, despite my greatest hopes of how I can obey my sweet Savior, I must live in the knowledge of my desperate flesh which would overcome me without His grace.
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Eloisa

(This is just a random pic of Selah and Yemi!)


I am so excited tonight! We have been sponsoring a child in Ethiopia through World Vision forever, and this month we found out he had aged out of the program. He is out of school and his family moved away. So, we were able to pick out a new child to sponsor and I had always thought it would be great for Selah to do the choosing when she got old enough to understand.


Last year, I was explaining child sponsorship to her, and after I finished she said, “Mom, you adults might call it sponsorship, but I call it sharing.” She was just four years old when she said that. Her words instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that’s exactly what it is. I’ll be honest in saying how much I wish we could and would sponsor more children, because even though our budget is tight and sometimes difficult to even buy groceries, we still have so much more. We have so many luxuries that we call necessities. I think about this a lot, and pray for a constant re-evaluation before the Lord in this matter. I trust Him to tell us what changes to make and how to “share” more, as He has in the past.

So, tonight Selah picked out a little girl named Eloisa, from Mexico. She shares Selah’s birthday, same year as well, so they are both five years old. She loves to play dolls, just like Selah. It is really neat to think that they will grow up together, just in different countries. We have learned some Spanish and want to learn a lot more, so I like that Selah picked a girl from Mexico. And it’s a plus that she’s not that far away, so there is great possibility that we could visit her someday! It is totally my dream that if we don’t live overseas, that we visit and develop relationships and share Jesus as often as possible with many different tribes and tongues. God will have to work that all out…I have a lot of dreams!

And one came true tonight!
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Songs

I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose…because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people’s songs and my own at Christmastime last year…at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body’s inability to “pull it together”, and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!

January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay…it was God’s gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not “feeling” like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.
I’m not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I’ve wondered about singing again…I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons…but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.
Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan
“I want Your blood to flow inside my body
want Your breath inside my lungs
we just want to love You, we just want to love You…
Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found
so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in”
I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.
Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God’s banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I’m sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.