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A Serious Winter Blah Moment…turned to gold

Hopefully you’ll enjoy my new pics. They’re cute. Kids are just cute, you know? Every one of them. Even an ugly kid would still be cute. Jack says its so we don’t eat them…evolutionarily speaking…lol. Okay, that’s the hunger speaking. I think I have a little stomach bug and haven’t eaten in a day or so. I feel like I’m over it, but at the same time, feeling a little headachy and queasy still. I want to be WELL so I can go volunteer in Selah’s class tomorrow and have friends over for dinner tomorrow evening, but we’ll see what happens. I have learned from (sadly) years of not knowing what to expect with my health to accept what comes…
Actually I’ve been thinking a ton lately about how accepting the chronic illness/fatigue God had allowed into my life LED to more deliverance than all the fighting against it ever did. What I think I’ve learned is that there are different kinds of suffering, and I’ll be quick about explaining it, or at least my take on the matter…
Some suffering, we cause ourselves. We make poor choices or we’re ignorant, but the good side of this kind of suffering is that knowledge and discipline can bring healing. When we ask God for miraculous healing, I think it would be wise to ask Him to help us get a clue on what we are doing wrong (physically, spiritually, emotionally), and then take responsibility for it, if that’s the case. Some suffering is just plain from the enemy, and he will have whatever authority in the situation that we believe he has. If we know the truth, that he has NO authority, actually, and that prayer and worship can shrink his territory (hallelujah!), then this kind of suffering can come to an end quickly, no need for it to stick around in a believer’s life. And lastly, some suffering is handed straight from the Lord for our good and His glory. If we’ve worked through deciphering our personal suffering, its origin, and we get to this last one and find ourselves in suffering God has brought into our lives, we can know it is beauty. It is a gift. It is as beautiful as the cross of Christ. It, in a way, is the cross of Christ, and He is asking us to carry it with Him. He doesn’t always want it to happen quickly, this thing of deliverance. Sometimes He does, for sure, but let’s remember we are people of faith, not sight.
Three things these types of suffering have in common: 1) God is in control of it. Nothing comes to us without first passing through His hand. We don’t want to believe this; it’s painful. But it is more painful to believe God is powerless sometimes, because we know that’s just not true. He’s either ALL powerful or NOT powerful, we can’t have it both ways. Either His word is true and He sees the sparrows, or not. 2) God is beckoning us closer to Him in every moment of trial, no matter the origin, He wants to show His faithfulness, compassion, and presence. He wants to show us what matters, as we die to our strong will about our and other’s destinies. 3) God promised it. The Word is full of what to expect, its just that in our culture, and especially our North American Christian culture, somehow people have decided all suffering is from the enemy and therefore if you are suffering, you are somehow not in His will, not praying the right way, not standing strong enough, not knowing what you should know. After ten years of going round and round with this, I have peace in believing my God is not waiting for a magic word.
So, what is He waiting for? I don’t think we are to just coast obliviously through. There is a battle, there is a race; we just want to make sure we’re spending our energy on the right ones! A few ideas of maybe how He’d like us to respond: Believing in His power and sovereignty in all things, even when it appears His will is not being done; learning humility and the fear of the Lord which ultimately demands nothing from Him, puts us in a place where we do not concern ourselves with matters He has not given us to fix; prizing intimacy with Him above any goal, relationship, ministry, or even calling He has put in our hearts and lives; bringing a sacrifice of praise.
My time in Africa and the “sickness” that resulted from it are a mixture of all three origins of suffering. I wanted God to bring glory to Himself by healing me, and one time He did, for a season. But the things I have learned…I absolutely am so thankful for how these difficulties have changed me. I would be so busy, so lost in people’s opinions and praise; I’d be a worker, not a daughter; I wouldn’t be learning to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength because I’d be worshipping all I could do for Him instead of Him. And that’s just the beginning. I’m going to let suffering complete it’s work in me, all the time stomping on the enemy who wants to make things confusing or worse than they are, and all the time learning about how to be as healthy and wise as I can. (This is the goal anyway!)
So…nothing specific to winter today…but it was last winter that I remember crying all the way home from a family gathering, where I was so sick and tired, and the only thought in my mind all the way home was, “God, You’re not going to heal me, are You?” My heart was broken. I had been praying and believing for 9 years, and this was the very first time I allowed myself to be in that place of, really, despair. I remember thinking, “Okay, I am Yours. If you want me sick and unable to care for my kids or do anything I believe You’ve called me to do, I surrender. It’s not my life anyway. If You want me well and able, You’re going to have to make it happen, because I give up! Don’t expect anything out of me, God, because You’re making it impossible, You know!!!” Somehow, peace entered my heart at that time. I realized I needed to go with the flow, trusting that this was His flow. God assured me He didn’t want anything from me anyway…not anything that I thought He wanted, that is. He wanted me to let go of my hold on my life, and really say “whatever”, even if it was going to be a life of embarrassment, weakness, and nothingness. The journey of weakness had begun 9 years before, but now the journey of accepting it and finding joy in it would begin. And would you believe that 4 months later I met the doctor that knew what was physically wrong with me in one conversation, and I have actually had more wisdom, knowledge, and steps to healing this year than in 10 whole years of searching?
This is not the journey I hoped for, prayed for, or believed for. But it is mine, and I am with Jesus in it, so it’s good! For anyone who read this far, bless your heart, and thank you for letting me share my life with you. I’d be happy to talk in person anytime!
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Warming Up

Hey Fellow Winter-Lovers! (har har)

I’ll tell you, this “only having a computer for 20 minutes a night” thing is cramping my style! I think it may be a good thing, because I certainly can’t run the risk of being online too much, but since my computer died and I am using Jack’s work one (after work!), it makes communication and blogging a little, um, crunched.
Anyway, today I read a wonderful thing. I’m not going to go on and on about it, I just want to share it, and then I’ll tell you my “tip of the day” in regard to warming up in this season of chill. Martha Kilpatrick, whom I cannot recommend more, is a teacher, writer, and godly woman; she’s written a small booklet series and it has been so good so far. Today, I had such a short time to read and I really only could digest this one sentence anyway: “If you want to be something in the world, you will be nothing in the Kingdom. If you are willing to be nothing in the world, you will be something in the Kingdom.” It is a wonderful shift to think like this. How many times have I thought that when people applauded or looked up to me or wanted to learn from me or were even directly being helped by me then that was proof that I was being something in the Kingdom, that these things were proof that I was living in obedience and God’s power? When I look around the world, I see ministries with powerful leaders, and I am not judging them, because I expect and assume that they live in humility and the fear of the Lord, but I then think of all the hundreds and thousands of nameless missionaries, pastors, servants out there who are not writing books and getting tv shows. Many of these servants suffer and never even see on this side of eternity any great and mighty works of God, at least not in the way that would be applauded by the Christian community as it is right now. Well, I said I wasn’t going to go on and on…It’s something to think about, though, right? And why does it matter? It matters because I have the rest of my life to spend for the Lord, and I don’t want to aim for the wrong thing, the wrong picture of what that looks like.
So, if that thought alone doesn’t get you all fired up, I have to say here’s what I did to warm up today…an extra strenuous workout! (Yuck, I know!) I sweated extra because I hadn’t exercised in almost 2 weeks. Yikes. I was like, “Let’s take off these ankle weights, girl!” But alas, I had none on. I do intervals of 5 minutes on the treadmill-Not that I am in any position to give advice on this topic-But I walk 3 minutes, jog 1, run 1; then I do that 4 times. It makes the time go by fast, and you will be sweating before you’re done, no doubt. Also, getting everything moving really does keep you warm for hours afterward. Just think, if we work out enough during the sweater and coat months, we might just be surprised come shorts weather. 🙂 Happy Winter, everyone!
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Day Two of the Winter Blahs Blog

So our planet is too far away and too tilted to get much of the precious light and heat of the sun this time of year, or something like that (I was never very good at science) and that, my friends, stinks.

But this blog is all about helping myself and others joyfully survive my least favorite season, so let’s think about the good in this! Today what I was really thinking about, honestly, not just for this blog, was how Jesus is our Life Light.
In John, which I’ve just started reading again, he talks about Jesus being the light of man. It sounds like something from the Lord of the Rings. In the age of man, there is darkness, but when the Light appeared and made His dwelling here among us, “the darkness could not overcome it.” Sometimes my perspective of the world and it’s mess is that darkness has overcome, and we are waiting for rescue. In a way this is true, but if the real live Jesus lives in us and He is our Life Light, then WE overcome the darkness by simply setting foot in a place and knowing our authority there, knowing His authority there. As believers, what would happen if we believed and lived out this fact that the enemy has no authority over our lives, thoughts, actions, words…? I have been contemplating lately how many suggestions of the enemy tend to quietly come in, then change my feelings, moods, and actions in the end. A suggestion of the enemy can unwind my whole day, a relationship, a conversation, an attitude, a decision or direction…and to think, he had no authority in the room whatsoever.
I was watching my favorite show, Alias, one time. The “bad guy” came in the room where these CIA agents were making an important decision, and he made a suggestion about their course of action, and my favorite character, Sydney Bristow, looked at this guy for a split second then turned around to the rest of the team and quickly said, “He has no authority here. His way won’t be considered.” I guess for this to make sense you’d have to have some kind of topic in your own life that isn’t victorious; since I do, it is really clicking with me. How many times have I started out something that really was wise and good, and from the Lord, and a few days in I lost sight and gave up? That’s evidence of an enemy, and I am not that enemy.
Anyway, I don’t have a lot of time to blog so I don’t know if this darkness and light idea went in the right direction, but I know that we are truly dim and will remain so until we come near to the Lord. I mean that quite literally! I wake up to a brand new chance every morning, but my lights are not on…I am out of it, not excited about the day, about to just go through the motions of a dimly lit heart and mind. But God invites us to come into the Light, acknowledge the burning of the Holy Spirit’s flame inside of us, through eating some of His Word for breakfast and worshipping at His throne for a coffee break. As we are in the Light, the darkness will not overcome us. We may not be close to the sun these days, but we can get closer than ever to the Light.
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Winter Blahs Blog: Day One

So, tis January 2nd, and my “Winter Blahs Blog” hath begun!

The reason I am doing this (this being: writing about how to make it through the winter every day) is because winter is my least favorite season, and that is putting it nicely. Winter is hard for me on every level, and for a variety of reasons…but this year as it was coming, I felt the Lord saying to not dread it, but embrace it, that He would be there in the midst of it. And He already has been, in a big way! For me, there are tons of parallels to the Lord hidden in each of the seasons. Unfortunately, winter usually parallels to me to be a time of cold, dead, harsh difficulty, both physically and spiritually, like a suffering you just have to go through. I have a hard time enjoying the beauty of winter, because all I can see is the absence of the things I love: green, warm, sun, color. And without beauty, it’s hard to relax. I don’t feel unfolded before the Lord, I feel tired and frozen in the winter; some people call these times “winters of the soul”. I totally get that phrase, and of course these winters don’t just happen in the winter! Well…
Today at church a girl got up and shared how God has spoken to her recently. She mentioned this movie she had seen about this dog that was taken in and loved by this man, but the man died, and the dog just kept going back to that same spot anyway, looking for him, waiting for him, whether he came or not. As I listened to this, I thought, “I want to be like that dog. I want to go to the Lord and sit at His feet whether He looks my way or not. I want to go whether He shows up or not. I have to stay there, regardless of what He does, that is my destiny.” Now, I believe God is always there…He’s there long before I come to Him. But sometimes we worship how He makes us feel; we worship the dreams, revelations, new teachings, feelings, words of encouragement, even words of rebuke. But Jesus wants all-weather friends. He wants those who will sit on the icy bench in the garden, whether they feel His warm embrace or not.
So this winter, let it get as cold and miserable as it wants…physically, spiritually, whatever. We will come to the Lord for everything, and He will be exactly what we need, even if that means we still feel cold inside and out after we come. There is no doubt in my heart and mind that if we keep coming, His heart will be so overjoyed that it will spill over onto us in due time.
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Unexpected Beginnings

Today was…interesting.

We ended up unexpectedly at the church where Jack and I got married…exactly ten years from the day of our wedding…but this time we were there for a funeral. Jack’s stepfather’s brother passed away this week after a battle with cancer. He was a young, handsome, and happy man; father of two, grandfather of a little girl, and very well-loved. Jack’s brother, Joe, did a truly wonderful job of being the pastor at the funeral and sharing Jesus in a personal way to those who came to pay their respects. I didn’t really know this uncle very well at all, had only seen him a few times really, but I was very sad to see my loved ones sad. The good news, as it was well declared today, is that he is no longer suffering and quite ecstatic actually to be where he is, ahead of us all, with Jesus.
So, it’s interesting to think about an “end” on the very first day of a New Year, but also so very fitting! When all this is over, we will finally begin. Nobody likes a funeral, but honestly it’s moments like that, days like today, that make us think about what we want to be remembered for and how we should, as believers, really feel about saying goodbye. Today made me and Jack want to plan our funerals…I just don’t want my funeral to be churchy. I want to give people a chance to grieve and say goodbye to me, because our psyches need that, but I don’t want the old songs and the big box and the quiet. I don’t want people to gather around an empty shell of a body that caused me all kinds of grief, even if that is the face they loved; I want pictures, music, books, whatever people thought of when they thought of me, and ultimately I want people to worship the Lord. I want them to forget about themselves and enjoy the Lord’s presence. I want a great praise band. I want people to celebrate my homecoming, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what circumstances or timing led to my death, I am at peace with the way the Lord let it all go down. I am His, and He knows the number of my days. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowledge and I am worth much more than that…and so are you! I know I’m weaving together a bunch of random thoughts, but wouldn’t it be cool if all of my stuff (that my family didn’t want, I guess) was set out at my funeral for people to take home with them if they shared a memory of me with that item?
So…sobering thoughts. As this family grieves their loss, my prayer for them is that the Lord would bring them deeper and farther and higher into His arms, into a new level of walking with Him, so that when their time comes…they’re glad.
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New Year’s Eve & My Husband, Jack

I have always LOVED New Year’s Eve! It is one of my favorite holidays. Even though I’m not usually doing anything spectacular on this day, it is momentous anyway. Today, Jack and I are working our little fingers to the bone laying flooring in our home…a dream come true, really! I never expected to get new floors, and now, after ten years, there is not one speck of icky carpet left in my house! Hallelujah! My favorite thing about New Year’s Eve, actually, is to get alone and turn my face toward Jesus. When I was a teenager, post 1991 when my relationship with Him became “real”, I would go to New Year’s Eve parties but right before the ball dropped, I would find a little closet or something, and just be with Jesus, just adore Him. Tonight I am overwhelmed with adoration for the Lord, for who He has shown Himself to be in my life and for all the mysteries He still is. I love this Man. And there’s another man I truly love as well.

The name “Jack”, being a derivative of John, means “God’s gracious gift.” Jack is God’s gracious gift to me. We are polar opposites, but best friends forever. This year, I am happy to say I have grown in the art of marriage. What God wanted to show me about acceptance, unconditional love, forgiveness, and respect were actually not only things I needed to learn for my marriage to be better or even for Jack to be happier, but these were characteristics I needed to grasp internally to move on in my journey with the Lord. The changes that have been made in my attitude, feelings, expectations, and actions toward Jack are still under construction, but it is exciting to be at peace and not need anyone to change but myself.
I am truly thankful for Jack and all his hard work. He works more than 40 hours a week at his “day job”, then spends his “free time” with me and the girls. He barely has time to eat 3 meals a day, and doesn’t really have a moment to himself until I go to bed at 10. It makes me sad when people criticize him for not answering his phone or getting together with them; I wish they understood his life right now. I hope that this year he feels bound to the Lord in a fresh new way, and that the desires of his heart would come to pass, every last one of them.
It’s going to be a wonderful new year, this 2011! God is moving in our hearts; He is humbling His people and turning us to Him above all things, above all loves, above all service, above all goals. I have no resolutions this year; I sense nothing except a year of drawing nearer to the Lord and finding more in my heart, mind, soul, and strength to give up to make room for Him. (Oh, for this to truly happen! I am so unable on my own!) I’ll end this post with the chorus of a song I finally finished last night (started in 2008!)
“After all this time, after all this journey
after all I’ve tried to be
You’ve simplified, cleared my mind of all I could pursue
so I could just want You.”
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Favorite Christmas Moments 2010


In no particular order, these are some of my fave moments so far!
*Singing a nice ringing chorus of “Auld Lang Syne” with some of my favorite people at our Annual House Concert at the Casteels
*Walking outside on Christmas Eve and discovering an inch of snow; watching Selah in her red dress and coat slowly dance along the sidewalk with her eyes closed and face upturned
*Having my parents come for brunch; I felt like a grown up. 🙂
*Accompanying my cousin, Adam, as he sang “O Holy Night”; hearing him sing “Mary, Did You Know?”, and listening to those words again for the first time
*Discovering the sugary goodness of praline pecans; making them for the first time, carrying on the wonderful recipe of my cousin Kathy (who passed away in 2009)
*Hearing Yemi pray for me in the car, because I was sick; “God, help Mommy…-insert an unintelligible sentence or two-…Amen.”
*Realizing Selah is old enough to play board games; remembering how much i LOVE games and looking forward to many game nights in the future!!!
*Singing “Count Your Blessings” with Selah…everywhere we have been this week, we have performed. She was a precious little messenger of song. And I can’t forget Yemi’s performances as well…precious in a different way!
*Watching old videos, Christmas movies, and Christmas cartoons (remember Claymation Christmas?)
*Sitting on my bed in quiet time with the Lord, looking back on the journey of this year, and thanking Him for coming and rescuing me…again and again.
*Dancing with Jack, Selah, and Yemi in our living room to “It Really Is (A Wonderful Life)”; knowing time is passing, but we have today, and it is beautiful, and it is enough.
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A Day Off

Wow! Jack gave me a great early Christmas present, and just what I needed: A day off. A glorious, quiet, day alone. I love to steep in stillness.

While I did some laundry and groceries and work around the house, I got to do it alone. And just like I would do when I had free time as a little girl, I rearranged and cleaned my bedroom. It is a good thing I have finally embraced and accepted myself as the introvert that I am, or I would be quite frustrated at this reality!
Anyway, in my time alone, my brain got a chance to breathe, and while these are by no means 2011 New Years Resolutions, they are ideas that I am laying at the Lord’s feet…They are in me for a purpose, and I don’t need them to happen to be happy and fulfilled, but as I said, they are in me for a purpose. So, here’s a brief list–some small, some big, none random really.
1. Make a 4th CD. There are some new people I want to work with this time around, and some new people I want to ask to sing duets with me. I’m really excited to finally get the songs I have written over the past four years on CD; to tell these stories through music is so much fun. The CD will be called Songs for My Family: Near and Far, and they are all written to or about people I consider family, from those living under the same roof with me to the least of these worldwide.
2. Start The Lydia Bridge. I have this idea to partner with small international ministries who help women in underdeveloped countries earn an income by making crafts, like jewelry, quilts, and handbags. My hope is to truly form partnerships between women in the U.S. who purchase their workmanship and the women themselves around the world. The main way I want to do this is to become a business “middle-woman” if you will, between customers and those making the crafts, so that these micro-enterprises can continue to benefit those in need and so that women here can buy meaningful gifts for themselves and each other, all the while forming prayer bonds and friendship with the artists. Three main ways to follow this through are: Parties at host houses (like Thirty One or Pampered Chef), setting up at craft fairs, and setting up at my (or others) concerts.
3. Go back for my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at WKU.
4. Paint some furniture in my house. Get a storm door. Get a headboard for Selah’s bed. Finish decorating the basement.
It’s been a fun day. Off to exercise and watch Sydney Bristow kick some booty!
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Computer Crash

Well, I was just telling someone this week how hard it would be for me to live without my computer. I didn’t even have a laptop until maybe a year ago, when Jack was given a new Mac for work and his laptop passed down to me. Oh, my gosh, there is so much more I could have done with it, but I was totally rocking the iPhoto, iTunes, and internet. GarageBand was also fun at times, but I never did anything really worthwhile on it. I have my website, not that it’s anything great, but people do go to find lyrics and chords of my songs on there. Everyone communicates by Facebook and email now, even my own mother who is still on juno.com. Lately I was burning some great worship CDs for friends and blogging more, here and at Megan’s website (www.themommypost.com)…so I’m sad!

Anyway, I think my computer is dead. It’s something I want to be mature about, like see how God wants to use this…maybe I was using it too much, or maybe it was a distraction. I am certain if the Lord wants me to have a computer, I’ll have a computer. Bam. But I’m still sad. I feel like Facebook and blogging really keep me from being isolated, plus I am a major “verbal” processor and I have to work through things by writing, I just have to. I still journal, but the blog makes me feel like I am learning things that maybe are affecting others, too. But mostly it’s just fun, and I need that!
Oh, well. Enough. At least Jack has a computer I can sometimes steal away. Maybe this will make my blogs a little more purposeful.
Tonight was our first Christmas gathering; Jack’s side of the family. It was really fun. Grandma gave me some used house shoes and a dreamcatcher. Yes, I’m serious. I am pretty sure it was a gag gift…I mean, obviously it was a gag gift, but the question is whether it was MEANT to be a gag gift! The kids got some beautiful dresses, jammies, and baby dolls. That’s all they need…yet there are about 5 more “Christmases” to go. It’s such a fun 2 weeks, but I really have to pace myself…meaning get in bed every chance I have, keep exercising, taking my supplements, and doing the other stuff on my list. This time last year was so hard; I praise Him for the path He has taken me on this year, and I praise Him that out of His great mercy I feel better than I thought I would.
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Tree Turtle

I am genuinely concerned about Tree Turtle.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a picture to show you, but it really is real.
One day about 2 years ago, I was doing dishes and looking out my window at the tree. It was winter, so all it was just bare branches, and lo and behold, there was Tree Turtle. It’s like this funny knobby thing on one of the branches that looks JUST like a turtle with it’s head poked up. So cute. So it became my little winter pet. I’m really not crazy…Really.
Well, with the ice that came in last night…ummm…I can’t find him! I don’t know if his branch is bending too low and is behind another branch or what. I’ll certainly let you know as soon as he rears his cute little head again, because I’m sure you are now concerned as well. And when he does, I will take a picture!! You just don’t know what you have until it’s gone!! (LOL!)