Category: Find Us Burning (Blogs 2009-2016)

So…Wow. When people ask me how my summer went, my eyes sort of glaze over. I will have to consult my journal, because I honestly don’t know. It was a little difficult, to be honest. I didn’t feel well, and that was a bit of a roller coaster of good days/bad days. I don’t really remember a lot of it, but I did take pictures and journal, so I guess that means I was there! :/

Here are a couple pics from our summer:

I have to say, we clean up pretty well, haha! For some crazy reason we decided to roll our hair and put on makeup.

Yemi feels like her mama in this one…It is naptime yet?

But seriously, Fall is upon us and I’m excited about it. Field trips, enrichment classes, homeschool, ballet classes for the girls, getting to enjoy the outdoors again, Sister Bridge beginning soon…This is always a fun season. I’m not even dreading winter, how neat is that? BUT there has been a lot of confusion in my heart about what I should and should not do with my time and attention…and that really bothers me even though I know that subject is hard for everyone, perhaps especially moms, and perhaps even more especially moms with some limitations like sleep disorders or chronic health problems. I get in places where I feel very comfortable to say no to everything and stick to what I know: my walk with Jesus getting deeper, my marriage, my kids and home. That is certainly more than enough to occupy my days and nights, and I have been in that sweet spot before. But then there are seasons where it at least *feels* like God is saying something more can be added. This is where it gets complicated…and I don’t like complicated.

My territory God has given me is my home. That’s where I am and that’s where I want to be. But a ministry I’m involved in (I wasn’t looking for it, but it came my way and all stars led to go that direction) takes some of my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual attention…and honestly, I’m just not sure if I have any extra to give. My connection to Jesus doesn’t feel like what it did before, and daily I am seemingly literally hard pressed to fit in the things that are important to my Life. Is it a time to sacrifice and persevere, is it a time to quit and simplify, or is it a time to learn how to live a somewhat fuller and busier life and STILL have the kind of quality of life that I physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually want?

It has been such a long time since I put some pictures on my blog! Here’s a few of my summer…which is quickly slipping past now. These are of me and my girls at the Fair. (Jack was home sick.) I can’t believe they are getting so big! Selah is 7 now and Yemi is 4. They are so much fun!

So, this blog may be premature, or perhaps the beginning of a series, but I want to share my process through this struggle I am in. I have been really affected by the issues that have erupted since the Chick-fil-A owner made his statement that he was for the traditional definition of marriage…a statement that was already openly being made by his choice to give to organizations that support those beliefs. Many on both sides of the issue had a lot to say. Personally, my husband stated on Facebook that he was going to Chick-fil-A on their appreciation day, and I was surprised at the 40+ comments that ranged from rational (whether I agreed or not) to quite ridiculous.

The good thing that came out of it for me was that I found a couple of people I could have a humble, loving conversation with…and these conversations are with people who do not stand on the same side of this issue as I do. I’m really thankful and excited about what will come from finding out what they believe and why they believe it. I am most thankful and excited to find out (hopefully) how I can have a stance that is true to my convictions, but also not hurtful to others.

This blog/book (haha) is really meant for Christians who are struggling with how to feel, where to stand, on this issue. I will try to keep these points short, and keep in mind that as I write them, they are points to go back to and think through. They are not conclusions. They are things that have come up in articles and conversations and Scripture that I am thinking and praying through. If you choose to give feedback to this blog, please only do so if you are also in a seeking, humble, and prayerful attitude. This is what I’m wrestling with:

1) For those of us that still view homosexuality as a sin, it’s important that not just in our words but in our hearts, we know that it is not a greater sin than anything else. When Jennifer Knapp came out two years ago, stating she was a gay Christian, I wrote her off. But what if she had come out saying she got a divorce and remarried? I doubt that would keep me from her concerts. But Jesus Himself had something to say about getting divorced (except under certain circumstances) and remarried, and it was not what we would want to hear. He condemned it. He said that’s adultery, in red letters. Ouch. Why are we quicker to condemn certain things than others?

2) Our motives matter. Are Christians who think homosexuality is a sin taking that stance because of personal prejudice? Hear me out. There is a stigma. Some guys who are gay act differently, and I think some of us are embarrassed by it. It makes me uncomfortable to see lesbians kiss. It’s got a serious shock factor to me. We don’t like it. Are we sure that we don’t like it simply because we believe God calls it a sin?

3) In other areas we consider sin, we tend to separate the people from the behavior. Even a hardened criminal who plans to go back out and steal again after he gets out of prison, we will show love and compassion to. We might even form a relationship in hopes of bringing him to Christ. We see this person as more than just a sinner. We might invite them into our home for dinner, but would we do the same for a gay couple? I don’t know what I would do, and I’m uncomfortable with my own point, because I have kids and I do not want to bring this issue to the light right now. But I must continue wrestling. With gays, some of us tend to think of them as if all they are is their sexual status…That in itself is sometimes enough to make us think, “There’s no way I have common ground with you.” (Please don’t twist this point to think I’m saying homosexuality is a crime.)

4) There are Christians who believe homosexuality is wrong based on Scripture, but that a homosexual relationship that is committed and monogamous is not wrong. In what I’ve read, there are several reasons. But the three that stick out to me, and again, this is just me, you can research for yourself because I’m not covering it all and may not be doing their points justice, are:

a. They state that we are no longer under the law but are free in Christ to just love. As long as what you do is loving (I’m assuming they mean 1 Cor. 13 definition of love), that is your only law.

b. They state that we can’t pick and choose which laws we’re going to live by. If women are going to be allowed to speak in church, and if it’s cool with God to get a tattoo (both spoken against in the Bible), or even that killing someone in self defense is not a sin, then we have to consider that there are laws that were cultural, meant something different than what we assume, or meant to be eventually amended. And they say that when homosexual actions were spoken against as a bad thing, they were talking about extramarital or even men with youth, not committed, monogamous relationships. The bottom line about this point is that if some laws from the Bible have been changed, ignored, labeled “cultural”, etc, then why can’t the Biblical stance on homosexuality get the same treatment?

c. They state that many people have gender anomalies. They didn’t state any percentage of this in the main article I read. Because of this, they state that since God didn’t make everyone 100% male OR female, that gender shouldn’t be the point in marriage, instead, for Christians, finding someone you can serve God and bear fruit together with should be the point in marriage. This is just one guy’s opinion, and you can find it under Justin’s View at gaychristian.net. I found his article to be extremely well written and we had common ground, at least in that he really knew the Word of God. While I don’t agree at this time with his interpretation of these points (a, b, or c) it was something to ponder and pray through.

5) There were a lot of people saying Chick-fil-A’s money was going to organizations doing hateful things. I looked these orgs up, and am still researching,  but so far all I’m seeing is groups investing in the family unit and reaching out to homosexuals who want to consider a life change, because some of these orgs believe that same-sex attraction is something that can be cured. I do see how that is offensive to homosexuals, but I am not sure that it’s hateful. If nothing else, they could say these organizations are wrong or ignorant in their belief that same-sex attraction can be cured, but I still am not seeing how it’s hurtful. These orgs are guilty of lobbying to keep marriage, by law, between a man and a woman.  There are plenty of orgs lobbying to change the law, too. I think this is just how law making and law changing happens…No one on either side is wrong for adding their 2 cents to our democracy. The wrestle in this for me is: I care about how homosexuals feel. That’s not enough for me to back down on this issue, but I sympathize, and I don’t know how to show it. If I wanted a law to change to benefit me, I’d be mad at the people opposing it, too.

6)Another point about CFA: I don’t understand it, but those of us who went to CFA on Aug. 1st thought we were standing for free speech and casting our vote publicly, saying, “Yes, we agree that we want marriage to stay between a man and woman, and we don’t think it’s fair that Cathy’s business is being discriminated against by the mayors of 3 prominent cities.” I truly think that’s what most people showed up to say. However, it was viewed as something ugly, even by some Christians who agree with Cathy, they just felt like it was uncalled for, rubbing our beliefs in homosexuals’ faces, kinda just snarky. I consider it unwise to assume we know everyone’s motives for doing something! But on the other hand, communication is a two way street, and the “communication” on Aug. 1st was received differently than it was sent out. I don’t blame anyone on either side, just commenting and mulling over it all.

7) So…we’re a democracy. Not a Theocracy. We say we’re one nation under God. I wonder exactly what this means to most Americans. Are we a Christian nation? Is that in the same way that Iraq is a Muslim nation (where both the government and the majority of the people themselves are Muslims)? Do we really want the beliefs of one group controlling the laws of everyone? My point that I’m wrestling with is: Should we even expect our nation to use the Bible as a moral and law making standard? Especially if most of the people that make up our nation are not Bible-believing Christians, why do we expect it? I saw we should make our voice clear about what we want the laws to be, but know as nominal Christianity grows, the breakdown of what we believe being the generally accepted norm will also grow.  Is this what the separation of church and state is all about? More wrestling.

8) In the New Testament, Paul brings up church discipline. He says if someone IN the church is in sin, you are to try to restore them back to the truth…there’s a whole series, in order, of what to do in these cases. We’ve all been there…in sin, in need of someone to turn us around, an intervention if you will. Shying away from this doesn’t help anyone grow in their faith, it only brings confusion and more sin and therefore more distance between us and God. But the use of church discipline (either done in the correct way or not) has brought such offense and division, and people leaving the church and never going back. They may still claim to cling to Christ, but not His church. I’m saddened by this, but I’m not sure that means we are to throw it out!? I’m stuck on this–What if that believer “in sin” has reasons (such as the ones stated in #4) why they believe their actions are not sinful? What if they say the Lord has not convicted them and they genuinely do not believe they are in willful sin? This really is the situation right now, and I’m wrestling with what to do. Nobody likes calling out habitual and willful sin in each other’s lives (and if you do, you are NOT the one who should be doing the discipline!), and some sins are more grey/debatable than others, but even with these two hinderances to following Paul’s commands to the church for discipline and separation, Christians have to figure out what to do with it.

9) Ever seen The Princess Bride? If you’ve seen it as many times as I have, you’ll remember this line, in that great Inego Montoya accent: “I don’t think it means what you think it means.”And I’m talking about LOVE. Love isn’t just being nice. It also isn’t JUST being patient, kind, forgiving, gentle, etc. It IS those things, but it’s more. Jesus showed love in several ways in the passage about the woman found in sin who was about to be stoned to death. He told the crowd to stop being judgmental and only throw a stone if you were perfect yourself. That was a loving chastisement for the crowd, it spoke volumes of truth to them and to me. And it was loving for the woman as well, in the form of protection for her life! But also He showed love by saying to her, “Go, and leave your life of sin.” He called it what it was, and He forgave her, and He told her to not go back into it again. Love is more than just being sweet and keeping the peace. Jesus is the most offensive person I’ve ever met. He rubs me the wrong way in so much of what He said. If people are going to say Christ’s message is all about love and acceptance, I recommend some reading…The Jesus I know died for my forgiveness from sin, not so I have freedom to continue in it. But, at the same time, I am still wrestling with how to lovingly confront someone who will most definitely be hurt and offended by my view of their choices. I don’t think telling someone how to live their life is the definition of love, by any means…but I do think its loving when someone points me to truth and gets me out of what God says is a pit.

10) Short but important point: I am not wrestling with this. Same-sex attraction in itself is no more of a sin than me feeling an attraction to someone who is not my husband. This is what the Bible calls the flesh, and we are commanded to crucify it.

11) So, if you are a person who believes that the Bible is supposed to at the least be a Christian’s moral standard, you might be wrestling with me about this…The issue of “the Law” in itself. While we do not enter God’s family through perfectly keeping the law, thank God, He did give us the laws for certain purposes. Some of the purposes were for the Israelites to be kept separate from surrounding peoples. Some of the purposes were for the health and well-being of people, giving wisdom and discernment.  Paul’s words were for the church, trying to keep people’s eyes on the prize of holiness and good community and perseverance. How DO we know which laws are unchangeable or up for interpretation? My ministry is to speak/sing in churches…but Paul says women should be silent. I was pretty offended when a student in my Bible class in college wanted to “go there.” Was I wrong to shut that down so quickly? While we aren’t saved by the law, and while we don’t have to keep it in order to get into Heaven, because obviously all of us haven’t kept it, if God gave it maybe we should be calling ALL of it standards for living (not enforcing on everyone, but I mean, in the Christian community.) I am open to this. Paul said basically, “Don’t tell people they have to follow the law of being circumcised in order to be a Christ follower, because that would negate everything we believe about it being Jesus’s blood that makes you a Christ follower.” But we aren’t talking about salvation being gained through the law…we’re talking about finding out why God’s (what I believe to be perfect) Word has commands and rules in it that we just aren’t interested in keeping to a T, and others we are.

Whoa. That was long. But I may be able to sleep a little better having all that out of my head. I am positive that this blog only uncovered my massive ignorance of so many topics, but I hope that there are nuggets in there that you will consider along with me. Also, the reason I don’t state specific Scriptures throughout this blog and most others that I write, is because my points are not drawing out one-time commands (except the women speaking in church example). You should be able to find the things that I said, or at least the point behind them, in the Bible in multiple places.

If we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit to bring wisdom and conviction. I am humbled by this discussion, because I have thought too many times that things were more black and white than perhaps they really are. Again, this “processing” was meant for believers who are wrestling with how to feel and where to stand…I hope my rambling brings some good.

You know what? I am so tired of the gay marriage issue and how some Christians are handling it.  I obviously have to come to grips with the fact that all believers are not going to see eye to eye on this. I have to accept that there are scriptures that mean one thing to me and something entirely different to someone else who also is truly a Christ-follower. That’s a place in me that needs to mature, I will be honest about that. But still, even in light of that need, I am frustrated!

I’m frustrated because some Christians who feel like homosexuality is not a sin are so bitter towards Christians who DO believe it is a sin. It’s like those of us who believe there is plenty of Biblical evidence to say homosexuality and same sex marriage is not cool with God (and therefore we feel led to take the stand when asked that it’s not cool with us either) are horrible, embarrassing, backwoods brothers and sisters they’d like to forget are in the family. It’s just crazy!

Look, none of us solely are the spokesmodels of Christianity. It would be nice if issues were that black and white and all Christians were a united front so that it was clear to the world what we believed. But that boat sailed about 10 minutes after Jesus went up to Heaven probably. I’m joking, but you probably get the drift. We are messed up people who have yet to fully embrace and interpret both the Word and the Spirit that dwells inside of us. Billy Graham is against gay marriage. DUH! The president of Chick-fil-A says their company is against gay marriage. GREAT! This doesn’t mean Billy Graham spits on people he knows are gay and that doesn’t mean Chick-fil-A won’t hire gay people. These guys may be public Christians, but they are not the self-proclaimed Pope. We all have the right to our opinion about this matter, but it would be really nice if we could agree to disagree and stop acting like we KNOW what Jesus would say.

It’s interesting to me that Christians who fall on both sides of this issue are BOTH wanting to protect the name of Christ. We are both wanting to make a statement on behalf of Jesus. I will always stand firm in my belief that homosexuality is a sin and a lifestyle that is deliberate sin against God, but I will listen with open ears when I get to Heaven and am told what I was supposed to believe. I can only do my best with the Word and the Spirit I live my life trying to get to know. I still will love and show kindness to people in my life who choose to sin, (it is His kindness that brings us to repentance!), just as people show love and kindness to me if I choose to sin for a season…but no one is doing me any favors by SAYING IT IS OKAY. Do not give me permission to do something just because my flesh (that I am told in God’s word to crucify daily) wants to.

Lastly in my little rant I will implore believers to stop saying: “I personally don’t think *such and such* is right, but whatever’s right for you is fine.” There are so many *such and suches* where that sentence is wonderful, hello freedom of choice…but not areas that are clear in Scripture! As a believer, IF YOU DO interpret the Word to say that something in particular is a sin, you certainly can’t make people agree (and we need to be careful to not try to make everyone agree) but I don’t think we should say it doesn’t matter either. It DOES matter. We should be peacefully bringing forward truth and standing up for it, because there are reasons why God said what He said in His Word. I don’t care if we LIKE IT or not. There are lots of things in the Bible that I kinda wish weren’t in there…but I don’t get to pick and choose.

As we agree to disagree, I hope that we’ll at least agree on these things: to grow in our passion for God way more than our passion for our personal beliefs to be heard and affirmed…to love one another with the very love that Jesus gives us, which is an accepting but also challenging love…to pursue justice and equality for every human being on the planet, with no exceptions…and to grow in both knowledge and humility.

“THE LORD delights in the wellbeing of His servants.” Ps. 35:27

Hey! So, I am really happy to say that I am feeling much better.  I definitely feel my mind getting clearer, my sweets cravings calming down, my confidence and excitement about life coming back, and my body much more willing to get up and go!

Just had to share this praise, but also just to say if any of you are feeling fatigued a lot, foggy minded, stressed and gaining weight, I can pass on a few ideas that may help since I’ve been through this so much. Just a disclaimer, too: We are all at different places and sometimes our bodies just need a little TLC but sometimes there is a more serious underlying issue that is at work. What works for me may not always work for me, and may not ever work for you.  I just know that it is possible to feel better and for many women that I know, including myself, it is a full time job to figure out how, implement the changes, measure the results, rinse and repeat! It can be so daunting, and requires perseverance beyond our own strength. Here are a few things you may not be taking time for, but can bring great results…

1) A daily time and space for communion with the Lord is a spiritual, emotional, and mental necessity for me. If it’s 15 minutes or 1 hour, God knows what time we have and He is a master at making the most of it when we just COME! I think sometimes laying on my bed during my kids nap time and telling God everything on my heart, not just staying surface level but really letting myself talk to Him or journal it out, is true therapy. He is our Wonderful Counselor, and He wants to listen. After a few days of laying these concerns at His feet, down to the frustration about the ants in the kitchen, you might find yourself feeling like those things aren’t bothering you anymore and the Holy Spirit will lead you to pray for others during this time. But either way, get past the surface prayers and connect with God every day. I am lost without this. I don’t care what kind of personality you have, every branch dies without true connection to the Vine! Sometimes when I feel busy in my mind and heart and can’t “dial down”, I’ll use the old A.C.T.S. to guide me. A=Adoration. C=Confession. T=Thanks. S=Supplication. A friend of mine once said to me, “We don’t HAVE to spend this time with God, we GET to.”

2) This may feel impossible, but laying down with eyes closed for 10-15 minutes every afternoon in your “tiredest” time of the day is very valuable. It calms down your parasympathetic nervous system and you will be able to fall asleep faster at night because you took the time to chill earlier in the day. You don’t have to be alone to do this. Sometimes I lay on the piano bench and do this while the kids eat lunch. It may be a week before it makes a difference, but eventually it does. Taking time for moments of calm (especially if those moments can also be infused with truth, from God’s Word, an encouraging book or song, or just hugs and snuggles with kids) is so important for our adrenal glands, which are constantly pumping out enough hormones to handle our craziness. Also, although it is sometimes not possible, my normal schedule is to be in bed between 10 and 10:30. There is something about getting in bed a couple hours before midnight that is healing to the adrenals. I’ve learned through this 2 week bout with tiredness that it really all boils down to good sleep for me. I’m a nut without it; I cannot trust a single thought that goes through my head if I am not rested…good to know! 🙂

3) Nutrition: There is so much to say here, but I’ll keep it to the basics! We need protein every time we eat, I believe. Raw seeds and nuts such as almond or pumpkin seeds, milk, yogurt, cheese, granola, lean meats, fish, whey (for protein shakes)…these are all great and healthy sources and I feel best when I have a palm size portion of protein every 3 hours. Skipping my 3 pm snack is one of the reasons I have been feeling low lately. In the other palm every 3 hours should be a healthy carb, which can be a whole grain something (brown rice, wheat bun, etc.) or you can consider your fruit as your carb. In other blogs to come, I’m going to take pictures of my plate to give some ideas of these palm sized portion mini-meals.  I think 5 to 10 servings of fruits/veggies a day is an absolute necessity and I also take Juice Plus, as do my kids. This is a whole food concentrate supplement that gives you 19 different types of organic fruits and veggies–the variety and amount is something we could never actually eat in a day, unless you juiced (I’m guessing) about $20 a day of organic produce. (I have a good friend who is a Juice Plus representative/wellness coach, and I would love to connect you to her. Please contact me if I can help you get started with JP+). We have to think of food as good quality fuel for our engine. What time of the day are you craving sweets? That is when you need a handful of a good quality protein and a good quality carb. I am so preaching to myself right now!!

4)The last thing I’m going to harp on is–well, I’ll combine these two–Exercise and finding out what supplements you need. Exercise is a given, but you have to make sure you are not doing TOO much exercise. If you are a person struggling with fatigue, you need gentle exercise, not a Spinning class. You need to work your body daily to the point of feeling good, not feeling exhausted. Gotta give up on the crazy goal driven stuff, and just go for a nice walk! As for supplements, there is no way I could NOT believe in them because they are the number one reason why I have been among the land of the living for the past couple years. (Not to say I’d be dead, but just in bed!) My doctor took blood and found I was very deficient in several of the Vitamin B’s, Vitamin D, and DHEA (an important hormone your adrenal glands produce). Yes, it takes time to get the right amounts and that can be so frustrating! But it’s worth it. I wouldn’t buy anything less than pharmaceutical grade, which you can find at vrp.com or you can try a couple different brands at health food stores, like Solaray. Because of my night time supplements, I take no sleeping meds and I haven’t for 2 years (although before I made these changes, I was on Ambien and Trazodone, practically knocking myself unconscious every night to get some sleep!!) Here’s my night time concoction: 100 mg of Phosphatidylerine, 3 mg of Melatonin, 200 mg of Magnesium. I have a sleep disorder that no doctor can help me with…at all…and this works! I wasn’t taking my Vitamin B Complex because I had an allergic reaction to it (I guess it was the brand I was using) and I think that’s one of the biggest reasons why I have felt so bad this past month. I am now on a Solaray brand B Complex, and I am positive that has brought my energy level back up. I hate to say it, but I am just not sure that we can get all our bodies need without supplements. I wish this wasn’t true! I’m not a doctor or a scientist, but it seems that if I ate the recommended amount of organic foods to get all the Vitamin D, B, E, A, C, plus all the other amino acids and trace minerals, protein, calcium, (not to mention needing 200 mg of things only found in weird locations around the world) I would be eating literally be eating myself out of house and home! Plus, sadly, the soil and farming procedures are just not what they used to be. There are a precious few people still getting to “live off the land”, and there’s not enough for everyone. That doesn’t mean give up, it just means if you are lacking something in your health, find out what it is and don’t expect to get all you need (especially as we get older) from food.

I hope these things are helpful, and if you need any community around you to make these healthy daily choices, let me know either on this blog or on Facebook and we will journey together!!! I get in ruts where I don’t invest wisely in my health (physical, spiritual, etc), and I need community, too.

Yay! I am very glad to say that I am feeling a bit better this week! Still feeling “it”, but it’s not completely overwhelming. I have spent a good amount of time resting, journaling, and working through some things that were weighing on me.

I never know how much to share on blogs but since not a lot of people read this, I hope its okay to say…One of the things weighing on me was my feelings that I was just not cut out for or good enough to do my worship leading position at my church. I haven’t done a week-in-week-out thing for so long. It’s one thing to visit churches and sing and speak what God puts on my heart and then leave (they don’t have to ask me back and I feel a freedom to just be myself)… and another to have a group of people stuck with me full-time.  While they can trust I am singing and speaking what God puts on my heart, there’s just a small part of this where me “not being their cup of tea” might matter…and it was really bothering me.

I’ve been praying through it, unpacking these feelings, asking for discernment and truth. And God is at work here. He actually gave me a whole list of truths to read each Sunday (to myself) to remind me of why I’m doing what I’m doing and Who is the one doing it! It was His choice to put me there, first of all; it was good to be reminded of that. That’s kinda important. 🙂 Here are the three main things He said I must do: Be myself, be connected to Jesus, and have fun! My job is to be a friend of the Bridegroom, spreading the word to the Bride that He is wanting us to be with Him where He is. That can be done in such a variety of ways…why worry so much about how it is being done, as long as it IS being done? I don’t want to give into this thing of “worshipping worship.” It’s all about Jesus and turning our face to Him, our Refuge, our Oasis, the Love of our lives.

And so I decided to own this, to really own it. I’d rather totally give what I have to give as I walk in the Spirit, and be myself to the fullest, and go out on limbs using my gifts and ideas as I hear from the Lord, and be kicked to the curb…than to just play it safe and make my decisions based on what I think people will want. Yuck.

So the first thing I have done with my freedom is write a responsive reading that we are going to do at church on Sunday! I’m going to post it as the next blog, if you want to read. Thank you for praying for me, if you were led to. I don’t know what the future holds, if I’ll feel well or work or not, but I know that continuing to slow down, simplify, and live freely are part of it!

I am having a rough week! I thought it only fair to write on days like today since it’s much easier to jump on here and write encouraging things on the “good” days! I like living wide open, so here’s the truth of it…and maybe it’ll be a little therapeutic for me as well.

I know I am extremely blessed, first of all. Just this week the Lord gave me this picture in my mind: I was thanking Him with my daughters for a long list of blessings, and I saw an iceberg. The blessings I can see are just the tip of the iceberg! The blessings I can’t see (how God is at work, spiritual blessings, my life hidden in Christ, a home prepared for me in Heaven) are the miles deep solid iceberg. So…yes, I am blessed and I know it.

As anyone reading this knows, I have struggled with adrenal fatigue and a sleep disorder for over 10 years and this past year I had a wonderful year of relief from it. It was still there, but managed. Slowly, I have felt some fatigue and exhaustion come back. Sometimes it feels related to stress, sometimes to allergies (because of waking up a lot at night I think), and sometimes there is just no reason. Since coming home from vacation I haven’t felt great but it was manageable. Then on Sunday, after coming home from church and lunch in Louisville, I was just finished. I figured I’d wake up Monday morning back to at least a tolerable normal, but I didn’t. I have felt this way all week.

Even Sunday morning before church I felt in a daze, and today is the first day I’ve even started to feel the fog lift, but only for a little while. I love my life so much, and sure everyone gets a little down and unmotivated sometimes, but I feel down for the count! I don’t feel like doing anything that I’m supposed to be doing, so I’m doing the bare minimum of everything. It’s stressing me that I have events on the calendar, plus leading worship on Sundays and the daily activities with the kids, that I do not feel like doing. I swing back and forth between judging myself and freeing myself to just relax.

I have a small list of steps I am taking to try to get this under control again and since I have no idea if this will be short term or long term, it gives me a sense of peace to say if I’m not feeling better in one month, I will go into a different mode…back to what I used to do, which is only take care of my home and family, no work, no singing events, no commitments. I’m not happy about this, but I genuinely have meant it when I have said and prayed that I love what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed through having a chronic illness and if God has more to teach me through it, may His will be done. Also, I know that my worth is not caught up one bit in what I do and God is not disappointed in me, therefore I will have joy and peace whatever the outcome. (After many tears of submission, let me not leave that out! It’s a loss to grieve…but there are much greater losses.)

It’s the limbo that is hard, I think. Trying to keep fulfilling commitments without making a big deal about telling people what I’m dealing with…deciding whether or not to say yes to something I’d really like to be able to do, and that I very well MAY be able to do…All of a sudden, living the one life I have to live is just a completely different situation.

I cling hard to the verse that says to serve with the strength God provides. That means if God doesn’t provide the strength, I’m no longer supposed to be out there. It has to be Him doing it. I’d appreciate your prayers, mainly that i would know what to do about commitments for July. I have 3 concerts and church every Sunday. These are not stressful in themselves, but they are when I don’t feel like preparing. Thanks for reading!

“Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.”

Seal it, Lord! I let the world leak in and contaminate and clog up and break my heart. (SOS 8:6) My heart and my arm, my affections and my actions, are in great need of a Protector and Guide. It’s a daily sealing, isn’t it? It’s a daily binding. I know this…but somehow expect it to not be true.

I joke that I have a spiritual Alzheimer’s condition. I can be so full to overflowing with truth and confidence in the Lord–great perspective, by His grace having the ability to worship in difficult times, not making mountains out of molehills–and then all of a sudden, usually when I’m tired or when I’ve just been out in the world too much (as silly as that sounds), I am like a person in a maze wearing a mask over my eyes, stretching out arms like a beggar in the dark.

Could this be what most of the Old Testament is about, as the Israelites, the beloved vineyard of Creator God, stake their claim in Him with celebration and solemn vows only to say, as if coming out of a fog with that confused look in their eyes, “What were we supposed to be remembering?”

It’s like that movie 50 First Dates, at least for me. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to watch a video every morning reminding me of the truths that keep me afloat. It’s also like C.S. Lewis’s quote that went something like this: We daily have to be brainwashed. That may sound offensive, but not to me. Yes, Jesus, Living Word, wash my brain and re-train it every day because when You renew my mind all over again I truly am a new creation. And why in the world would I not want to take that offer and be a new creation, despite the work every morning to “recall to mind and therefore have hope…” (Lamentations 3:21)

We need a daily, fresh, current revelation of the love of God for us to live as overcomers. I’m not sure there is any other way. I’m so thankful for the ministers, writers, singers, friends, teachers, just honest people seeking God and sharing His revelations (what is on His heart) with others. They are the prophets of this day, reminding us who we are in Christ and who we can be if we fix our eyes on Him daily. But I am most grateful that while those prophets make a light bulb come on in our spirit, and help us out of the maze, God wants to reveal Himself clearly and personally to each of us, every day, every moment even!

“Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be

My life is full of ebb and flow, taking on too much, having to let stuff go after a season, trying to achieve this illusive thing called balance! This past year, as I’ve written about recently, was too much. I think since Jack was working 2nd shift it was easy for me to make a bunch of plans and stay busy, so that I didn’t see endless evenings alone with the kids stretch out before me! Also, as I’ve said, I felt so great and had lots of energy. Well, calming down and chilling out for the summer has been awesome. I am not afraid of days stretching out with no reason to leave the house or empty white squares on my day planner. Some of you are drooling from boredom, some of you are drooling from jealousy. 🙂 There is some madness in the last couple weeks of July, but that will be an isolated incident. I’m happy with what I’m not doing.

And of course, the things that I am doing. My prayer life, blogging, house work, more consistent home schooling, and paying attention to time-and-energy investments that I’m called to are happening and I’m very much at peace with my homebody-ness these days.

But here’s the hard side of letting go: The telling people, “Um…I got in over my head. I won’t be able to do that again this year. Here’s what I can do…Sorry!” The letting go of the money one was making, or the people one was pleasing? The letting go of the ministry that felt meaningful, or the part of the routine that one liked but couldn’t get to ever really work?

So, I was reminded today that it’s okay to say no or let go when the Lord leads us to. A few years ago, a group of home schoolers asked me to be their Spanish teacher and I said yes! Well, as I prayed about it and thought about my calendar, I realized I was going to be so stressed and just didn’t have peace about it working in. With my head low, I went back and apologized and got out of it several weeks before it started. When I did this, I was so surprised by the outcome! The mom in charge of hiring me said, “Wow. You know, I am so glad you came to me because I have felt the Lord telling me to quit this whole thing because it wasn’t what I was supposed to do with my kids this year, but I wouldn’t let it go. Thank you for being obedient; I will, too!” I was shocked!

A similar incident happened today, where the Lord had clearly went before me and paved the way for me to let go and have a simpler life. Simplicity is hard work. It’s a balancing act. It’s more “no’s” than “yes’s”, and it’s the right “no’s” and “yes’s”…led by the Holy Spirit, but probably not always getting it right either. I only have two children, but they have interests that I want to help them follow. They have school, enrichment, field trips, and they’ll have sports teams, lessons, friends, travel, church, and plays. I don’t think I want to offer them everything under the sun…or they’ll have a lot to unravel when they realize they can’t do it all.

Lord, teach us to order our days, hear the voice of our Shepherd, and humble ourselves when we’ve messed up and need to backtrack to a simpler life. Help us remove anything that keeps us from having daily communion with You. Show us if there is anything we refuse to let go of that You know we need to, for our good and Your purposes. Make spaces where there need to be spaces, and fill them with Yourself. Amen.