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2020

It was supposed to be a time of vision…clear 20/20 vision.

I have shaken my head wondering how this year could be so lacking in that one virtue!

But today, I saw a different perspective.

It’s important to note that 2020, the pandemic, the election, and the police issues/riots haven’t brought fear, racism, and ugliness, but merely exposed them.

We are now seeing what was already there in our culture, in our hearts, in our trust (or lack of trust) in God. Our weakness may have been veiled by busyness and routine and ease. We feel like we are walking in a daze now, but what if we were walking in a daze then instead?

Can we choose to see, can we focus, on what matters now?

God is the God of 2020. He is the Lord and the King! He is still the Savior! He made this year and every day in it. It is not a dumpster fire, it’s a refining fire. It’s not cursed, it is blessed. We can choose to see.

God is not confused or scattered or complaining. He is so steady. He is so stable. He is so good. He can handle every big emotion we can bring. His arms are open. He isn’t ready to write off this year. He has so many good things to accomplish!

2020 is peeling back the skin and opening up the ribs for an emergency open heart surgery, and we are propped open and exposed. All year long we have felt tender to the touch. What part of our hearts, what valve, what artery, needs repair? Individually, collectively? In society, in the Church?

Our reaction to this surgery is only step one. Many of us are stuck there.

2020 is not over. Can we take this “2020 Year of Vision” and say it is truly time to seek the Lord, see His hand, and see our next step?

I love the old hymn so much—

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

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Amy Grant

An unexpected read showed up on the church library shelf: Mosaic, by Amy Grant. This is her autobiography she wrote when she was in her early 40’s, I believe. I picked it up, simultaneously feeling like a little part of my life that had been forgotten was awakened. Oh yeah! My first cassette tape!

Amy Grant was just a teenager when her youth pastor also became her producer, and I remember two of her songs so well from that first recording that I still often sing them–like 30 years later–in my quiet time or when my soul needs some soothing.

“There will never be another who has loved me like You// there will never be another who could hold me, mold me// There will never be another who could love me purely// Oh there will never be another who has loved me like You.”

“All I ever have to be is what You made me//Any more or less would be a step out of your plan//As you daily re-create me, help me always keep in mind//That I only have to do what I can find//And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me.”

Such words of gentle strength as my personality was forming, as I was working hard already at that time to be my personal best in school, talents, and relationships. In Amy’s words, “Love Has a Hold On Me”, and it always has.

It has been really deeply moving to read this book now that I am also in my early 40’s. Although our lives don’t have a lot in common, I can tell she is a soul that just wants peace, closeness, family, grace. She loves the Lord so much, she loves the chance to use music to encourage, and goes out in nature sometimes where God touches her in extraordinary ways–these are three things we definitely have in common. There is no emotion too hard or too big for God to hear as we shout it into the cold air and just let Him have all that is too much for our hearts to carry.

I’m getting older. I have goals for how I want this second half of life to be. One of those goals is what her book whispers of: feeling free to feel, and resting, loving, being at peace, even during change.

Anyone else feel the need to take a really deep breath after that sentence? I do. I’m in a season of life where it feels hard to breathe. But part of that breathlessness is also excitement of what is ahead.

I like to think that someday I will write my own Mosaic book. Short stories that seem unrelated but that made my life, all our lives, what they are:

Surprising

Sad

Joyful

Disappointing

Scary

Messy

Beautiful

Our’s

God’s

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Loose Hands//Tight Throat

I mean, it is just a normal, busy Tuesday. It’s not like it’s Graduation Day, or the day to move my oldest daughter, who just turned 15 this summer, into college. It’s just a Tuesday in the beginning to middle of her Sophomore year. No big deal. But for months, I have the tight throat.

You know…when all of a sudden, you see before your eyes the years in the making of a girl who is not far from spreading those wings. You see that fervor and that drive in her eyes. You see only so many more sleepy Saturday mornings or summer vacations together. You see she finally sees a life beyond this life and a home beyond this home, and you’re happy–I mean, you truly are happy–but you also feel the tears constrict the throat and that means one thing.

It means the hands are going to have to loosen. On a Tuesday, I practice. I practice now, perhaps my suffering will be decreased to the tiniest degree if I practice now? Before the Graduation, before the college move-in day, before we turn around and leave without her in the car…before the white gown and the life she forms entirely of her (and God’s) own desire and plan.

Ouch! It hurts.

First dates. First jobs. It’s happening.

The child that has pulled my hair and sang me songs and made me laugh. That child. That one that I knew was never mine, but it sure has felt like she was.

Tight throat, loose hands. I will be brave. Won’t fear pain. Will dive in. Will experience it all with joy. Will be thankful. Will live in the now. Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

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One Day At A Time/The Mom Life

I didn’t used to forget things. I didn’t used to arrive late. I didn’t used to rush at all.

Now, when I have an appointment, I tend to be sitting in my workout clothes at my kitchen table all of a sudden remembering to look at my watch at the exact same moment the appointment was supposed to begin–or if I’m lucky, the exact same moment I should at least be leaving the house.

Praise God, my kids (okay, most of my kids) are professionals at grabbing shoes, something to do, and jumping in the car. It’s amazing. And I have become a professional at having no idea what I look like, so no stress there! Ignorance is bliss.

Today I am trying to fit in a nap, because it is the beautiful beginning of autumn and I feel myself beginning to go dormant. Haha! But dentist and eye appointments, as well as sleepover and work times for my oldest daughter and field trip planning (for, um, tomorrow) plus a gift for a baptism tomorrow night- all things I used to plan days if not weeks in advance- oh, and the kids are still sitting at the school table here at 2:50pm so there’s that as well…

I’ll tell you what us moms have.

We have job security.

We have ninja skills.

We have words to sustain the weary ones God brings to our path, because we know, we know.

We have prayer, we have scripture scrawled on the top of our hand, we have eyes focused on Jesus.

We have the joy and hope of living one. day. at. a. time. because anything more than that…? JUST MIGHT KILL US.

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Safety

The word safety. It doesn’t cross my mind very often at all, honestly. I am not a worst-case scenario thinker, ever. But I didn’t realize how much the word safety mattered to me until this weekend.

No, I wasn’t physically scared. Nothing happened to my kids. At least not that I could see or hear. But in some time of prayer and studying God’s Word with other women, I was able to see just how the word safety made me feel and how I was missing it in my life, and how I wasn’t helping others around me feel it very well, either.

I have known for a while, probably since the schools didn’t open back up like they normally do in August, that I was struggling with fear and anxiety. Fear of failure, fear of difficulty beyond my ability to cope, fear of a breakdown, fear of looking irresponsible to others, fear of other people’s emotions and reactions, and fear of my own emotions and reactions were gripping me all day long. Once I could put words to it, that helped but when the Lord brought the word SAFE to my mind, I felt everything in me EXHALE.

I am safe. No matter what. Jesus and I cannot be separated. His love cannot be bound to the same earthly rules the other people and situations play by. I am not God, I am just me, and I am safe. And the other what-if’s are so lesser that they now feel irrelevant.

Then I began thinking about my kids, and their tears when they try to read and understand a paragraph as I homeschool them, but ask them to attempt something independently. Their shutting down when I, with frustration, let them know I’m disappointed that a job wasn’t remembered…again. Yes, they need to learn responsibility for school and work; but we have a lot of focus on that already. No one will ever accuse me of skipping that lesson! But was I teaching the lesson, am I teaching the lesson, that they are safe. Held. Okay. Enough. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. Always.

I’m not going to be perfect, they’re not going to be perfect. But I am safe in the love of my Father and my family, and they are safe in the love of theirs’. That is something to breathe in deeply and celebrate!

Our job is remind ourselves and remind each other…in both word and deed.

I speak safety to you, in the strong and sweet name of Jesus, who made our calling and standing in the favor and kindness of God the most solid thing we will ever ever ever ever own.

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Freedom, Day Four: Acceptance

Hello Friends!

Here’s my statement for the week–I’ve been dwelling on this for a while actually, especially on days that my Enneagram-labeled-Perfectionism tries to strangle me(!):

“I am free from the shame and disappointment of all that I am not. I accept my self and my life as it is.”

In adopting three little girls over the past nine years, I have spent a lot of time learning and then teaching them how important thoughts are–how important it is to feed our own minds! We have many coping skills and many short mantras to drag our thoughts and feelings out of the valley when frustrations, guilt, or other emotional dilemmas want to take us down.

We have to speak truth to our dear selves! God did not make mistakes in making us…and neither did He make mistakes in what He has called us to do or what our lives look like- past, present, and future. I am often plagued with this overwhelming thought that I should have went a different path with my life, that I would have been more valuable and usable to God if I had done things differently. I wonder why certain parts of my life didn’t “take off” like people thought they would. I blame myself for not working harder or accomplishing something I can be known by. I let my mind wander into confusion, guilt, blame, sadness at what I’m not…until I can no longer see the truth.

But here is truth we can speak to such accusations:

God has written our stories and we are deep into one of those Handwritten chapters right now. He has a plan!

When we gave our lives to God, those lives became HIS.  If we are growing, listening, and obeying to the very best of our knowledge, we can rest in His design and ability to change things when HE wants to.

There are different seasons. Some of the things that are on the back burner might come to the forefront again someday. We aren’t failures just because there is some untapped potential in there!

And lastly, the Holy Spirit. I mean, really. Who do I think I am feeling frustrated that I haven’t done more, been more? I am NOTHING! I am whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to be! I do whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to do! Unless I am living in known sin, do I really think I can surpass what my friend HS wants to do and be in and through me? What a relief to be free and let the Holy Spirit really have control. To be aware of His presence. To see HIM produce HIS fruit in me. To see HIM change me and make more more like Jesus (which mainly looks like me learning humility as I mess up and apologize 10,000 times).

We can accept our selves and our lives as they are as we stay in connection with Him because He is big enough and good enough to lead us if and when it is time. Our life is not a frantic race to do things for God. It is a daily opportunity to be loved, love the Lord and others, and live in specific obedience.

No regrets!

 

 

 

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Freedom, Day Three: No More Performing

Satan’s favorite mantra in my head lately is: “You can’t do this much longer.” (Ugh! Isn’t he awful??)

But maybe he’s just a little bit right, as he usually is. Just a little bit right, like bait on a hook.

I certainly can’t do life much longer like this.

I have been so desperate lately. I’m overwhelmed by the mental and emotional fatigue of my life, of the past twenty years really. Maybe you are, too. I certainly don’t have the hardest life around. But the relationship struggles, church “stuff”, adoption journeys, illnesses, homeschooling, commitments outside my home, and four children’s needs have affected me through and through. I do believe most of these things have been specific obedience to the Lord and not just random ministry–but somehow I feel like I just don’t have the stamina to keep up with it all, to do it all. Sure, I am supposed to serve with the strength God provides, but how do I know when that strength is going to be sapped all of a sudden in the middle of a commitment? It’s not easy or clear. I have learned to rely on the Lord, yet sometimes I wonder if it was really just me pushing through like I have learned for so many years to do. Just real thoughts from my soul here, friends.

 

Today as I was reading the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen (get this book!) God gave me one sentence to cling to…one ray of hope and understanding and vision. Spiritual Alzheimer’s be darned, I must remember this:

I am free to stop performing and just love.

Okay, how does this change my life? What’s the big deal? How does that solve fatigue in my soul?

Just this: I am called to love people, not perform for them.

In every capacity– Mom, Wife, Teacher, Friend, Co-laborer of the Gospel, Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Child of God–I smile when I think of how to love the people I am in relationship with, but I cringe when I think I need to please them, make them think I’m great, maintain a reputation, make a good impression, keep them from criticizing me, judging me, or talking badly about me. That’s making relationships a performance where we’re not allowed to mess up. It’s a prison, and it’s awful. But God wants to give us the confidence to acknowledge that we will not be perfect for these people nor do we need to be, and to play an entirely different role in their lives, as well as know deep down that we don’t need those people to always be happy with us. God wants to set us free to receive correction if needed, to be brave to handle conflicts that may arise from each others’ imperfections, and to forgive and be forgiven, not live in fear of these interactions. We are allowed to mess up, because life is not a performance.

So here’s the opposite of that performance driven life: Love.

Love means I’m not saying or doing things based on how I hope you’ll respond or think of me.

Love means I give what God leads me to give in our relationship, not what I think you expect from me, and not to get anything in return.

Love means I’m thinking of you and your soul right now, not myself, my inadequacy, my awkwardness.

Love means I care about you, but I choose to not worry about you and your choices, because it is your life and I have my own to lead.

We are called to live a life of love (Ephesians 5:2) not a life of collecting friends, attempting to control responses of others, and have nice things said about us. I really don’t have time or emotional space to keep searching for the affect of my love…only to live with a vague guilt about everything I’ve said and wondering constantly how I’m measuring up.

I am free to stop performing in this life, and just love, unaware of who is watching.

 

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Freedom, Day Two: Serving

Oh my, how this can be a tricky subject. Christians definitely fall on every point of the spectrum in regard to service in the church and the world. There are those who believe no amount of sacrifice is ever enough and there are those who believe no sacrifice is necessary because we are just here to glorify God by enjoying life. Despite what we are told sometimes, this is what God is telling me:

I’m free to serve with the strength and resources God provides, and I reject all compulsion to do more.

See, I’m extremely sensitive to this Christian pep rally thing where we come together and someone yells at us to do more and be more for the Kingdom. Jesus speaks to me in a whisper. He knows my heart and He knows your’s, too. When you give your life to Him, there should be a constant unraveling of your life and your wants as He builds the tapestry of your new life, the one that looks more like Him and His wants. If that’s not happening, talk to Him about it! If you aren’t more compelled on the inside to live an unselfish life, Jesus’s life is not being formed in you and y’all do need to have a talk! He will gently do that transformation; He’s the only One who can. But being told no matter how tired you are, no matter what you’re going through, you should be fostering kids, you should be giving more money, you should be teaching this class…nope, nope, and nope. The only “should” I can say is that if you are a believer, you should be spending time with Him in the Word and then you will grow in using your gifts and sacrificing how He says to.

Just to unpack this a quick minute more:

There is fleshly compulsion and there is Holy Spirit conviction. (Very different!)

There is serving to be known and needed, and there is serving for an audience of One.

There is a mentality of prayer and wisdom, and there’s the mentality of “Well, this has to get done and no one else will do it.”

There’s trust that God really does have the causes you care about under control, and there’s the blaming and judging of others (or yourself) for not doing enough.

A few questions you can ask yourself when trying to decide if you are being convicted by the Holy Spirit or just a victim of guilt and compulsion:

-Has God given me the time, strength, and resources to do this ministry, to invest in this relationship, to take on this task or commitment?

-Are there other commitments He has given me that would clearly be ignored or done poorly if I do this?

-Is there anything I can rearrange financially or in the schedule that is possibly self-serving or a little too focused on my family, in order to make a space for this opportunity to serve? 

2 Corinthians 9:6-15 and 1 Peter 4:7-19 have much more to say on this topic, and I encourage you to check these passages out! When we serve in the strength He provides, we are a loving and even happy member of community giving all the glory to God. Is that the model you see in your church? Is that how people would describe you? 

It can be.

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Freedom, Day One: Balance

So, really quickly, I’ll start by saying about a year ago, the Lord really began speaking to me about freedom–how there is so much freedom He wants to give for my life but I had to take hold of it for myself! I had to face areas I was struggling in (I was amazed at how many there were when I really sat down and thought about it) and I had to hear His truth that wanted to set me free.

What I’d like to do in this “blog series” is share my specific “pillars of freedom”. I’m so excited to know these truths and seek to remind myself of them when I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or confined. Anybody out there ever need just one sentence to hang onto, for real? Well, here we go with the first one I scribbled down as this process began:

“I am free to mess up in my search for balance.”

AAH! Thank You, Lord! We are free to mess up in our search for balance. Whether it’s trying to eat healthy or not spread yourself too thin amongst work and home, friends and family, the takers and the givers in your life, balance is so incredibly hard. You want to go with your gut feeling sometimes instead of your to-do list. You want to live on the wild side (get that tattoo, spend that money, eat that cake for the love!) but you also want to not freak people out, actually have money, and lose a few pounds by this darn particular date!

My big balance issue has to do with being a tired introvert and genuinely, desperately, needing time alone to think, sleep, be quiet, read, write, sing, be. But I am a homeschooling mom of four and my husband is an extrovert (of course!) Just when I’m done teaching, putting out emotional fires and making the 33rd meal of the day (or is it just 3? Really??), there’s always more…and I love it all, I love them all, but in the end, I may have 1.5 hours a day to myself, which is used for the most part for self-care necessities. And that’s great, I’m lucky to have that. But the balance, for me, is off.

And while we are working on it, there is freedom to get it wrong. To go too far one way. To even fall on the tightrope altogether. It’s not crazy to take (literal) notes about what worked in a particular week’s search for balance, and journal about what did not. We must evolve and learn as we sink and swim. But man, doesn’t it feel good to take the guilt away when we don’t get it right? The lack of balance is a life-sucker, but the guilt about not being able to figure it out is even more of one.

God came to set us free from guilt, shame, and condemnation. Are you becoming more like Jesus in your days, even if you don’t please everyone’s expectations or even your own? Are you growing in connection with Him and seeing some fruit of the Spirit? THIS is what life is about–not some perfect balance!

We are free to mess up in our search for balance.

Thank You, Lord.

 

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Story Behind the Song: The Other Side of Night

In 2005, I had my little six week old baby, Selah, in my arms and my husband, a youth minister at the time, was watching an International Justice Mission video in the other room. I overheard it teaching about modern day slavery and the sex trafficking of children. Something in my heart broke like it never had broken before.

Five years previously, I had lived in a poor little village in Mali, West Africa, as a short term missionary. My year there was really hard, and I saw short life spans and absolutely zero ease of daily life, but I also saw joy, hard work, family, loyalty, and a precious culture. I loved the poor already. I loved nations and languages already. But I did not love justice yet, because I was so unaware of the lack of it.

There I was, 27 years old, newborn baby in my arms, the first time in my adult life that I literally couldn’t go anywhere I wanted around the world to try to meet a need. It killed me. I wanted to RUN to those people and I didn’t know what I would do once I got there, I just knew I didn’t want to be here, doing “nothing”. I lived in that real tension for a couple of years, my journals and songs and friends could tell you. It was such a slow and painful work the Lord did in me. But the outcome was life changing; it changed me from the inside out.

God did these things, in this order…

  1. He allowed me to SEE. He opened my eyes to what I had been unaware of, sheltered from. I became educated. Because of my relationship with Him and call to the nations already, it wasn’t hard to also SEE in another way: That these people were just as precious to God as I was, and they were deserving of justice, hope, and help. I asked God to help me see them as actual family.
  2. He made me GRIEVE. I thought, “How is crying and mourning and just being sad for these people–refugees, orphans, starving children, the persecuted–helping them at all?” But this grieving was part of the process to being changed from the inside out. This will sound crazy, but I even wore black most of the time for that season. My heart was half there, half here.
  3. He led me to PRAY. I began to pray for ministries helping people and the people groups themselves that were affected by war, slavery, trafficking, poverty, etc. I asked Him–no, begged Him–for more than “just prayer”. Eventually, this season of prayer and lamenting brought me closer than ever into union with the heart of God and it was in prayer that He gave me part of His heart. (And the same is true for millions of other believers!!)
  4. He made me dependent on the HOLY SPIRIT. The Church is really good at pep rallies, but that is not how God speaks to me. He made me wait on Him, and little by little the path of how I could tangibly “help” came into clear view. Some of what we started doing was with our church community, some of it was as a family, and some of it was personal. If ever I wasn’t listening to the Spirit, and just did what I wanted, it would be made clear– it just wouldn’t bear fruit, or it would feel like I was tugging something along that didn’t want to move. It was like I would say, “God, why is this not working? It’s a good thing!” And He would say, “I never told YOU to do that.”
  5. He led me to join in their suffering through TANGIBLE SACRIFICE and GIVING. Yep, we finally got there! We started our adoption of Yemi, from Ethiopia, when Selah was 2 years old. Parts of this were excruciating, as we fundraised, gave all of our savings, saw her health deteriorate while still in Africa, and eventually it would again be so painful as she realized her early losses in life. We got to adopt again from Haiti, this time two sweet girls, Eva and Zoe, who just got home 1.5 years ago. Again, we shared in personal suffering as we went through these long processes and became a trans-racial, bi-cultural family. As a family, we write letters, pray, and give to two sponsored children through World Vision and Compassion International. When we receive any unexpected money, we pray and find out where God wants us to give some or all of it. We pray through Voice of the Martyrs magazines, and when friends or family are going on mission trips or collecting items, we try to be a part of that. We financially and prayerfully support missionaries and organizations we believe in, like International Justice Mission that literally kicks down the doors of brothels and sets innocent prisoners free. We started a ministry called Sister Bridge where we partner with artists/women in third world countries and sell their items here, sending all of the money back to the artists, in hopes they can make enough money to keep their families together. We work with ministries that are sharing the gospel with these women/artists as they train them in these crafts and skills! We try to have a view of our money and belongings that they are God’s, and while I think we are probably failing at it, we want to live in equality with the least of these. It’s important to me that we always have before us this absolute tangible reality that we shouldn’t seek more comforts and privileges while others don’t have their basic needs met. I don’t feel guilty for my needs being met, or for gifts given to me, but anytime the “American dream” starts to sneak in my heart, He sends something to snuff it out. May He EVER continue to do so, and may He show me more and more and more ways I can be faithful!

I don’t say ANY of these steps, especially #5, to “toot my own horn.” There are so many people doing SO MUCH MORE. I still feel the tension of the needs around the world, the reality of hurting people, and my comfortable life. But I know for sure at this point that I am walking in obedience with an open and completely available heart and life. That’s all I can do, and when the Spirit gives me more opportunities to be an advocate, give, serve, suffer, or go, I will do it.

This song–The Other Side of Night–is a heart cry. It was written in tears. There is such a disconnect between the Church and the least of these. We are so, I AM SO, individualistic and independent and set on personal success and comfort and fun for my family.  But I believe God never intended such a disconnect, such a great divide between us. I’ve heard this phrase and I love it: “Live simply so that others may simply live.” It’s a personal conviction I pray that I grow in and see how to live out.

May He do so much more in our hearts than the little I have written about today! But lets not be afraid to “do little”! Thinking nothing will change is not for the minds of children of God. We carry His love and hope in each little thing–each tear, each prayer, and each act of obedience.