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20 Years From Africa

October 25th always feels important. It also feels like it represents a different life I once lived, a life that very few people in my life can truly have access to.

I became a missionary with the IMB October 25, 1999 and –ironically and unplanned– it was exactly October 25th, 2000 that I came back home to Kentucky. I served in Mali, West Africa, in a village where my main goals were to learn the language, share the gospel in a variety of ways, and do basic first aid and any community help I could give.

I loved it. I felt like I was made for it!

I was really sick, however, and I didn’t have enough support from missionaries on the field to make it livable for any longer than that year, sadly.

I don’t write a blog today to say I have made total peace with that experience, but I do write to say I am glad I lived it. I will never forget Mamu’s face when she became a believer in Jesus. I will never forget the dugutigi’s laugh. I will never forget the dirty, beautiful, precious kids’ faces and fingers pressed through the metal shutters on my windows. I will never smell an outside fire without closing my eyes and being back in Dialakorobougou. It’s a memory no one can ever take away from me.

Twenty years ago! The children are grown men and women, with kids of their own. Many of them are likely not alive. I still randomly have dreams about flying back there spontaneously just to see how things have changed, and to see if my mud covered house is still there. I hope kids get to play in there. 🙂 I hope the gospel was passed down, and is still being passed down. I hope my friend Ane’s family is still living and happy.

I was just a little part of their lives for a little time. But it’s a part of my story. A chapter. And it’s neat to think I was a part of their stories, too. When I think of it this way, it’s really not all that complicated. I am happy I was there to share God’s love and mercy with anyone I could.

Jesus kept saying in the gospels to simply love God and love others. The NLT version I am reading right now says that Jesus said your neighbor is anyone who needs mercy. I look around and I see that everybody needs mercy. I need mercy, too.

We are all right now living out a chapter of our lives. I hope each of us are feeling mercy from others…and I hope each of us are carrying mercy to give. This chapter is all we have right now, and someday we will have the pleasure of seeing the whole book.

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I’m 42

Much like Amy Grant when she wrote her book (which I wrote about last week), Jen Hatmaker is writing this book in her early 40s. Bingo! I’m 42. Words from women my age truly are golden when they are from ladies who have lived their lives with honesty and humility, love and equality, striving to honor and be like Jesus, and creatively serving others.

This copy I hold of Jen’s book, Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire, has many dog-eared pages, and I want to process – briefly – just a few of the ones that shine brightest to me at this stage of my life.

The entire chapter of “I Am Strong in My Body” is so so so so important. I wish every girl to read this chapter, even if some parts come off too strongly for me personally. She talks about how heartbreaking it is to see women and girls not love and appreciate their bodies, but instead let the media and world tell them what they should obsess over and change and belittle and despise. How sad to think our lives are less than they could be because our thighs are more than we think they should be. She writes: What if we talked about our bodies as “she” and “her” instead of “it”? She lists the millions of miraculous things our bodies do and have done and will do. We have believed a lie when we believe something about our inches and pounds is holding us back from joy and worthiness. “She” has been through it, and “she” is a blessing!

In her chapter, “I Need More Connection”, I see how – although I am an introvert – how I need community in my life now more than ever. Like with homeschooling, songwriting, recording, running, nutrition, even in reading a book sometimes…I do not want to do it alone, anymore, ever again, please don’t make me. Pulling people together boosts EVERYTHING! I also love her encouragement to make community happen wherever you are. What is one of your favorite things? Ask around until you find others who are into that, and see if your passion and productivity doesn’t grow. Love it!

I’ve been realizing lately that I tend to be a people-pleaser. I have cared about being known as a certain type of person: Responsible, talented, deep, thorough, but also fun. (I kind of want to roll my eyes at myself right now! That’s kind of a lot to ask!) In Jen’s chapter, “I Want to Choose My Yeses”, she helps readers see why we say yes sometimes (when we really didn’t want to). Giving a clear no is very respectable. People who can’t handle that usually have some drama they are working out in their own lives. Times change, seasons change. We don’t have to be the Homeschool Co-op Mom for 20 years; we don’t have to be the secretary to someone forever either, even if they would be “lost without us”. We can say no to some things in order to say yes to others, and we can strategically and respectively make our move, without guilt, as we seek the Lord and undo some social tangles we have allowed ourselves into.

Right now, I’ll be honest. I feel like my time of homeschooling may be coming to a close in the next couple of years. I feel like my dream of being a counselor someday is actually being replaced with the desire to continue more in my music and writing. I feel like the Beachbody exercise and wellness ideas have been such a life changing thing for me that I want to continue coaching groups of ladies because we do so much more than just manage food and sweat. I feel like Jack, my husband of almost 20 years, is taking exciting steps to find healing and do ministry in the great outdoors, and I want to gravitate toward that for many reasons. My quiet natured self is just wanting to scream with the joy of this vision. My second half of life is going to be good, even though I know that overwhelming, emotional, unnavigated territory awaits! I have teenagers. My parents are in their 60s. Enough said.

The “1” in me wants everything to be neat and tidy.

It’s not.

It’s not going to be.

My journals have so many beautiful revelations, but I pray my best friends will burn them before anyone reads them, because for every pure and lovely thing written in those thousands of pages there are a dozen ridiculous, rude, and pitiful entries.

It’s too late. I can’t go back and live a straight line.

And it’s okay. It’s not going to get any straighter from this point on.

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2020

It was supposed to be a time of vision…clear 20/20 vision.

I have shaken my head wondering how this year could be so lacking in that one virtue!

But today, I saw a different perspective.

It’s important to note that 2020, the pandemic, the election, and the police issues/riots haven’t brought fear, racism, and ugliness, but merely exposed them.

We are now seeing what was already there in our culture, in our hearts, in our trust (or lack of trust) in God. Our weakness may have been veiled by busyness and routine and ease. We feel like we are walking in a daze now, but what if we were walking in a daze then instead?

Can we choose to see, can we focus, on what matters now?

God is the God of 2020. He is the Lord and the King! He is still the Savior! He made this year and every day in it. It is not a dumpster fire, it’s a refining fire. It’s not cursed, it is blessed. We can choose to see.

God is not confused or scattered or complaining. He is so steady. He is so stable. He is so good. He can handle every big emotion we can bring. His arms are open. He isn’t ready to write off this year. He has so many good things to accomplish!

2020 is peeling back the skin and opening up the ribs for an emergency open heart surgery, and we are propped open and exposed. All year long we have felt tender to the touch. What part of our hearts, what valve, what artery, needs repair? Individually, collectively? In society, in the Church?

Our reaction to this surgery is only step one. Many of us are stuck there.

2020 is not over. Can we take this “2020 Year of Vision” and say it is truly time to seek the Lord, see His hand, and see our next step?

I love the old hymn so much—

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

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Amy Grant

An unexpected read showed up on the church library shelf: Mosaic, by Amy Grant. This is her autobiography she wrote when she was in her early 40’s, I believe. I picked it up, simultaneously feeling like a little part of my life that had been forgotten was awakened. Oh yeah! My first cassette tape!

Amy Grant was just a teenager when her youth pastor also became her producer, and I remember two of her songs so well from that first recording that I still often sing them–like 30 years later–in my quiet time or when my soul needs some soothing.

“There will never be another who has loved me like You// there will never be another who could hold me, mold me// There will never be another who could love me purely// Oh there will never be another who has loved me like You.”

“All I ever have to be is what You made me//Any more or less would be a step out of your plan//As you daily re-create me, help me always keep in mind//That I only have to do what I can find//And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me.”

Such words of gentle strength as my personality was forming, as I was working hard already at that time to be my personal best in school, talents, and relationships. In Amy’s words, “Love Has a Hold On Me”, and it always has.

It has been really deeply moving to read this book now that I am also in my early 40’s. Although our lives don’t have a lot in common, I can tell she is a soul that just wants peace, closeness, family, grace. She loves the Lord so much, she loves the chance to use music to encourage, and goes out in nature sometimes where God touches her in extraordinary ways–these are three things we definitely have in common. There is no emotion too hard or too big for God to hear as we shout it into the cold air and just let Him have all that is too much for our hearts to carry.

I’m getting older. I have goals for how I want this second half of life to be. One of those goals is what her book whispers of: feeling free to feel, and resting, loving, being at peace, even during change.

Anyone else feel the need to take a really deep breath after that sentence? I do. I’m in a season of life where it feels hard to breathe. But part of that breathlessness is also excitement of what is ahead.

I like to think that someday I will write my own Mosaic book. Short stories that seem unrelated but that made my life, all our lives, what they are:

Surprising

Sad

Joyful

Disappointing

Scary

Messy

Beautiful

Our’s

God’s

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Loose Hands//Tight Throat

I mean, it is just a normal, busy Tuesday. It’s not like it’s Graduation Day, or the day to move my oldest daughter, who just turned 15 this summer, into college. It’s just a Tuesday in the beginning to middle of her Sophomore year. No big deal. But for months, I have the tight throat.

You know…when all of a sudden, you see before your eyes the years in the making of a girl who is not far from spreading those wings. You see that fervor and that drive in her eyes. You see only so many more sleepy Saturday mornings or summer vacations together. You see she finally sees a life beyond this life and a home beyond this home, and you’re happy–I mean, you truly are happy–but you also feel the tears constrict the throat and that means one thing.

It means the hands are going to have to loosen. On a Tuesday, I practice. I practice now, perhaps my suffering will be decreased to the tiniest degree if I practice now? Before the Graduation, before the college move-in day, before we turn around and leave without her in the car…before the white gown and the life she forms entirely of her (and God’s) own desire and plan.

Ouch! It hurts.

First dates. First jobs. It’s happening.

The child that has pulled my hair and sang me songs and made me laugh. That child. That one that I knew was never mine, but it sure has felt like she was.

Tight throat, loose hands. I will be brave. Won’t fear pain. Will dive in. Will experience it all with joy. Will be thankful. Will live in the now. Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

Won’t block the tears. Won’t clench the hands.

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One Day At A Time/The Mom Life

I didn’t used to forget things. I didn’t used to arrive late. I didn’t used to rush at all.

Now, when I have an appointment, I tend to be sitting in my workout clothes at my kitchen table all of a sudden remembering to look at my watch at the exact same moment the appointment was supposed to begin–or if I’m lucky, the exact same moment I should at least be leaving the house.

Praise God, my kids (okay, most of my kids) are professionals at grabbing shoes, something to do, and jumping in the car. It’s amazing. And I have become a professional at having no idea what I look like, so no stress there! Ignorance is bliss.

Today I am trying to fit in a nap, because it is the beautiful beginning of autumn and I feel myself beginning to go dormant. Haha! But dentist and eye appointments, as well as sleepover and work times for my oldest daughter and field trip planning (for, um, tomorrow) plus a gift for a baptism tomorrow night- all things I used to plan days if not weeks in advance- oh, and the kids are still sitting at the school table here at 2:50pm so there’s that as well…

I’ll tell you what us moms have.

We have job security.

We have ninja skills.

We have words to sustain the weary ones God brings to our path, because we know, we know.

We have prayer, we have scripture scrawled on the top of our hand, we have eyes focused on Jesus.

We have the joy and hope of living one. day. at. a. time. because anything more than that…? JUST MIGHT KILL US.

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Safety

The word safety. It doesn’t cross my mind very often at all, honestly. I am not a worst-case scenario thinker, ever. But I didn’t realize how much the word safety mattered to me until this weekend.

No, I wasn’t physically scared. Nothing happened to my kids. At least not that I could see or hear. But in some time of prayer and studying God’s Word with other women, I was able to see just how the word safety made me feel and how I was missing it in my life, and how I wasn’t helping others around me feel it very well, either.

I have known for a while, probably since the schools didn’t open back up like they normally do in August, that I was struggling with fear and anxiety. Fear of failure, fear of difficulty beyond my ability to cope, fear of a breakdown, fear of looking irresponsible to others, fear of other people’s emotions and reactions, and fear of my own emotions and reactions were gripping me all day long. Once I could put words to it, that helped but when the Lord brought the word SAFE to my mind, I felt everything in me EXHALE.

I am safe. No matter what. Jesus and I cannot be separated. His love cannot be bound to the same earthly rules the other people and situations play by. I am not God, I am just me, and I am safe. And the other what-if’s are so lesser that they now feel irrelevant.

Then I began thinking about my kids, and their tears when they try to read and understand a paragraph as I homeschool them, but ask them to attempt something independently. Their shutting down when I, with frustration, let them know I’m disappointed that a job wasn’t remembered…again. Yes, they need to learn responsibility for school and work; but we have a lot of focus on that already. No one will ever accuse me of skipping that lesson! But was I teaching the lesson, am I teaching the lesson, that they are safe. Held. Okay. Enough. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. Always.

I’m not going to be perfect, they’re not going to be perfect. But I am safe in the love of my Father and my family, and they are safe in the love of theirs’. That is something to breathe in deeply and celebrate!

Our job is remind ourselves and remind each other…in both word and deed.

I speak safety to you, in the strong and sweet name of Jesus, who made our calling and standing in the favor and kindness of God the most solid thing we will ever ever ever ever own.

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Freedom, Day Four: Acceptance

Hello Friends!

Here’s my statement for the week–I’ve been dwelling on this for a while actually, especially on days that my Enneagram-labeled-Perfectionism tries to strangle me(!):

“I am free from the shame and disappointment of all that I am not. I accept my self and my life as it is.”

In adopting three little girls over the past nine years, I have spent a lot of time learning and then teaching them how important thoughts are–how important it is to feed our own minds! We have many coping skills and many short mantras to drag our thoughts and feelings out of the valley when frustrations, guilt, or other emotional dilemmas want to take us down.

We have to speak truth to our dear selves! God did not make mistakes in making us…and neither did He make mistakes in what He has called us to do or what our lives look like- past, present, and future. I am often plagued with this overwhelming thought that I should have went a different path with my life, that I would have been more valuable and usable to God if I had done things differently. I wonder why certain parts of my life didn’t “take off” like people thought they would. I blame myself for not working harder or accomplishing something I can be known by. I let my mind wander into confusion, guilt, blame, sadness at what I’m not…until I can no longer see the truth.

But here is truth we can speak to such accusations:

God has written our stories and we are deep into one of those Handwritten chapters right now. He has a plan!

When we gave our lives to God, those lives became HIS.  If we are growing, listening, and obeying to the very best of our knowledge, we can rest in His design and ability to change things when HE wants to.

There are different seasons. Some of the things that are on the back burner might come to the forefront again someday. We aren’t failures just because there is some untapped potential in there!

And lastly, the Holy Spirit. I mean, really. Who do I think I am feeling frustrated that I haven’t done more, been more? I am NOTHING! I am whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to be! I do whatever the indwelling Jesus–the Holy Spirit–wants me to do! Unless I am living in known sin, do I really think I can surpass what my friend HS wants to do and be in and through me? What a relief to be free and let the Holy Spirit really have control. To be aware of His presence. To see HIM produce HIS fruit in me. To see HIM change me and make more more like Jesus (which mainly looks like me learning humility as I mess up and apologize 10,000 times).

We can accept our selves and our lives as they are as we stay in connection with Him because He is big enough and good enough to lead us if and when it is time. Our life is not a frantic race to do things for God. It is a daily opportunity to be loved, love the Lord and others, and live in specific obedience.

No regrets!

 

 

 

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Freedom, Day Three: No More Performing

Satan’s favorite mantra in my head lately is: “You can’t do this much longer.” (Ugh! Isn’t he awful??)

But maybe he’s just a little bit right, as he usually is. Just a little bit right, like bait on a hook.

I certainly can’t do life much longer like this.

I have been so desperate lately. I’m overwhelmed by the mental and emotional fatigue of my life, of the past twenty years really. Maybe you are, too. I certainly don’t have the hardest life around. But the relationship struggles, church “stuff”, adoption journeys, illnesses, homeschooling, commitments outside my home, and four children’s needs have affected me through and through. I do believe most of these things have been specific obedience to the Lord and not just random ministry–but somehow I feel like I just don’t have the stamina to keep up with it all, to do it all. Sure, I am supposed to serve with the strength God provides, but how do I know when that strength is going to be sapped all of a sudden in the middle of a commitment? It’s not easy or clear. I have learned to rely on the Lord, yet sometimes I wonder if it was really just me pushing through like I have learned for so many years to do. Just real thoughts from my soul here, friends.

 

Today as I was reading the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen (get this book!) God gave me one sentence to cling to…one ray of hope and understanding and vision. Spiritual Alzheimer’s be darned, I must remember this:

I am free to stop performing and just love.

Okay, how does this change my life? What’s the big deal? How does that solve fatigue in my soul?

Just this: I am called to love people, not perform for them.

In every capacity– Mom, Wife, Teacher, Friend, Co-laborer of the Gospel, Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Child of God–I smile when I think of how to love the people I am in relationship with, but I cringe when I think I need to please them, make them think I’m great, maintain a reputation, make a good impression, keep them from criticizing me, judging me, or talking badly about me. That’s making relationships a performance where we’re not allowed to mess up. It’s a prison, and it’s awful. But God wants to give us the confidence to acknowledge that we will not be perfect for these people nor do we need to be, and to play an entirely different role in their lives, as well as know deep down that we don’t need those people to always be happy with us. God wants to set us free to receive correction if needed, to be brave to handle conflicts that may arise from each others’ imperfections, and to forgive and be forgiven, not live in fear of these interactions. We are allowed to mess up, because life is not a performance.

So here’s the opposite of that performance driven life: Love.

Love means I’m not saying or doing things based on how I hope you’ll respond or think of me.

Love means I give what God leads me to give in our relationship, not what I think you expect from me, and not to get anything in return.

Love means I’m thinking of you and your soul right now, not myself, my inadequacy, my awkwardness.

Love means I care about you, but I choose to not worry about you and your choices, because it is your life and I have my own to lead.

We are called to live a life of love (Ephesians 5:2) not a life of collecting friends, attempting to control responses of others, and have nice things said about us. I really don’t have time or emotional space to keep searching for the affect of my love…only to live with a vague guilt about everything I’ve said and wondering constantly how I’m measuring up.

I am free to stop performing in this life, and just love, unaware of who is watching.

 

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Freedom, Day Two: Serving

Oh my, how this can be a tricky subject. Christians definitely fall on every point of the spectrum in regard to service in the church and the world. There are those who believe no amount of sacrifice is ever enough and there are those who believe no sacrifice is necessary because we are just here to glorify God by enjoying life. Despite what we are told sometimes, this is what God is telling me:

I’m free to serve with the strength and resources God provides, and I reject all compulsion to do more.

See, I’m extremely sensitive to this Christian pep rally thing where we come together and someone yells at us to do more and be more for the Kingdom. Jesus speaks to me in a whisper. He knows my heart and He knows your’s, too. When you give your life to Him, there should be a constant unraveling of your life and your wants as He builds the tapestry of your new life, the one that looks more like Him and His wants. If that’s not happening, talk to Him about it! If you aren’t more compelled on the inside to live an unselfish life, Jesus’s life is not being formed in you and y’all do need to have a talk! He will gently do that transformation; He’s the only One who can. But being told no matter how tired you are, no matter what you’re going through, you should be fostering kids, you should be giving more money, you should be teaching this class…nope, nope, and nope. The only “should” I can say is that if you are a believer, you should be spending time with Him in the Word and then you will grow in using your gifts and sacrificing how He says to.

Just to unpack this a quick minute more:

There is fleshly compulsion and there is Holy Spirit conviction. (Very different!)

There is serving to be known and needed, and there is serving for an audience of One.

There is a mentality of prayer and wisdom, and there’s the mentality of “Well, this has to get done and no one else will do it.”

There’s trust that God really does have the causes you care about under control, and there’s the blaming and judging of others (or yourself) for not doing enough.

A few questions you can ask yourself when trying to decide if you are being convicted by the Holy Spirit or just a victim of guilt and compulsion:

-Has God given me the time, strength, and resources to do this ministry, to invest in this relationship, to take on this task or commitment?

-Are there other commitments He has given me that would clearly be ignored or done poorly if I do this?

-Is there anything I can rearrange financially or in the schedule that is possibly self-serving or a little too focused on my family, in order to make a space for this opportunity to serve? 

2 Corinthians 9:6-15 and 1 Peter 4:7-19 have much more to say on this topic, and I encourage you to check these passages out! When we serve in the strength He provides, we are a loving and even happy member of community giving all the glory to God. Is that the model you see in your church? Is that how people would describe you? 

It can be.