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Messes Allowed

I got myself into a stressy place today.

I was multi-tasking and dealing with conflict, and all of a sudden I didn’t feel like a bad-donkey getting stuff done, I felt like a confused, bewildered mess.

Does anyone else feel like you just can’t do this anymore?

That you just can’t juggle a million things and feel so much pressure to be “on” or produce or know enough or do it right?

The good news is we absolutely do not have to. That is not how God intended our lives to be…

Eventually I sat down and slowed my breathing, and asked God to help me! He did…He gave me 4 checkpoints I could process through in my stress. There was a lot to unravel but these checkpoints helped me focus and alleviate the swirling pressure. I hope they can help you, too.

  1. My pace. (Slow down. Do one thing at a time.)

2. My perspective. (Are you stewarding or controlling? Are you serving someone in Jesus’ name or trying to please them?)

3. My participation. (I chose to do this; that may mean I say no to other things until this is over. Or if it is a conflict, what really is my part in this? Am I participating more in it than I need to?)

4. God’s Presence. (My awareness of Him and His way of doing things.)

Here are some truths I want to end on today:

You can re-start your day at absolutely anytime.

Nothing that you do makes you more (or less) wonderful or loved.

It’s actually okay if someone is annoyed by you or has to forgive you. A humble person will know that’s going to happen sometimes and it’s actually really great.

It’s ok to be yourself.

Messes are allowed.

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Welcome to 2023

It seems like people are saying that New Year’s Resolutions and finding “a word for the year” are OUT.

But y’all! New Year’s is my favorite holiday for this very reason! (And that it’s my anniversary – love you, honey!)

I LOVE getting re-focused and defining my hopes and plans for the year. Am I going to do all the things I plan on every single day? Nope! Am I going to mess up along the way? Yes! But as I look forward to 2023, I know in my heart that God wants my face resolutely pointed in a certain direction. Ultimately, that direction is towards Him!

My resolutions this year are almost entirely about this one particular feature of mine that gets me in a lot of trouble…maybe you can relate:

My mouth.

Ugh.

So, number one-

By God’s grace, I will try to be mindful in my words and responses, especially in the area of not complaining or arguing. I’m going to apologize if I realize I was arguing or complaining. I want to really think before I respond, correct, or say anything at all. This is mostly in regard to my husband and kids, but also in regard to my not-thinking-through-my-quick-yeses-on-text. I will grow with the Holy Spirit’s help to be quicker to listen, slower to speak, and slower to anger.

Number two-

You guessed it. Again, by God’s grace, I want to eat in a way that is grateful, peaceful, and glorifying to God. I want to keep food in its rightful place, and enjoy it but steward my body well. In particular, I want to change my habits regarding sweets. I’m starting out the year with a sugar fast in preparation (physically and spiritually) for my trip to Ethiopia, and after that, I will likely have a moderate amount on the weekends unless I can just continue on with the fast (which would be ideal). When I say by God’s grace, I mean it. Sweets are the comfort of choice for me, and I know I take it too far sometimes.

So, since nothing changes unless you make a change, what do you resolve to focus a little more on this year?

Are you at a crossroads? I honestly think we all are. There are decisions to make: To either sense God is having you stay put and stay on task with joy, or to sense that He is refining you by some new means! Both require His power, His guidance, His presence, and OUR listening, obedient hearts.

What do you most need? What is your greatest frustration?

These things can change or at least your part in them, or your perspective of them, can.

Lord,

We end the holiday season today and we’ve been reminded that Your light has come, but we still live in this dark world with lots of worries and even our homes, bodies, minds, and churches don’t always feel like safe places. Jesus, abide with us! Draw us and our loved ones so near to You, like never before, because if You do not draw us, we will not come. All of our hope is in You and Your strong love that chases us all the days of our lives. Help us to seek You and TRUST Your Word, Your actions, Your plan.

Amen.

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Happy New Year!

“A man can plan his steps

but the Lord will lead him right or left

Sometimes it seems so clear

but sometimes it seems like years since we heard Him speak

and that’s when faith runs deep.”

I wish you a wonderful new year, dear readers.

I wish you time in God’s Word, precious moments of worship and prayer, and a daily filling of His presence and peace.

I wish you priorities, vision, and strength that will bless and enrich your life like never before.

I wish you “new wine skins” for a “new wine”; new spaces that become clear and clean for God to fill as you wait on Him, and new spaces that become lush and vibrant through remaining in Him.

I wish you hope and also acceptance and surrender if things go completely upside down this year.

I wish you the ability to receive grace, because it is the most real gift- whether we actually accept it or not. I say it is real because so much of our judgment, criticism, efforts at self-improvement, and perceptions of how others or God view us are just making those wheels spin but getting nowhere and it’s not real. These attempts at being better are not the way, and they are surely not the truth and the life. Jesus is the Way. He is the Truth. He is the Life. We can get off the treadmill, and actually take His yoke upon us and move forward with Him, doing some real work, covering some real ground, instead. Amen, dear ones?

I wish us to go at His pace.

I wish us trust, obedience, and peace.

In Jesus’ name.

“And like a stream that may freeze

in the spring it comes back with the leaves

begins to flow and bring life

a stream will not remain still for too long

before it must go on.”

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The Roots of Control

I was going to write about something different today- I actually have a series up my sleeve- but in my Bible Study this morning, another issue sprang up that I really want to talk about from seriously personal experience.

And that topic is CONTROL.

“Controlling people” may or may not know this about themselves, but what they/we truly need is safety. They have some unresolved pain, fear, and sense of responsibility they may not know how to satisfy. They need assurance and clarity. They need encouragement and peace. They need to learn again to trust. They need to know they aren’t all alone up there keeping the world together.

We become controlling when we live out of a place of fear for too long, fear that settles in when we feel like no one is leading well and no one is meeting needs well and one day we wake up and we hate where we are. Subconsciously or right-out-loud, we say, “This is changing here and now, and I’m going to make it happen my way!” Sometimes this leads to healthy assertion, and sometimes it leads to trying to control things and people that are simply not our’s to manage. When this happens, there will almost always be anger as a result. If anger is turned outward, we know what that looks like: if anger is turned inward, it becomes depression.

Whether it is “real” fear, like major disruptions of trust and physical/emotional danger, or it is “felt” fear, like being constantly disappointed by someone’s lack of love and help, we develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from the memory of that pain as well as future pain.

But just like with all defense mechanisms, love can overcome the need for them! How can we best love people who constantly have to know what’s happening, seem to have to have it their way, or are never truly satisfied?

One, they need to know they aren’t alone. Understanding of how their minds work, communication of plans and ideas, and the reliability of team members can go a long way in being in a great relationship with someone who tends to be controlling. Believe it or not, “controlling people” don’t necessarily want to be in charge and they can handle being led—many are crying out to be led if they can relax and know they can trust their team to talk them through something when worries or questions come up. They might act like they want to be a Lone Ranger, but I don’t buy it. Fear is the driving factor in choosing to be an island.

The second way we can love people who struggle with this is, well, love. Not judging and being irritated by their high strung, frustrated, or critical behaviors will be hard, but we can choose to see behind those sin habits to the frantic person inside. We can help calm and soothe, we can help bring peace to those restless waves, and these behaviors might change quite quickly when those inner needs are addressed. We can also, in love, share the way their behaviors make us feel. We can encourage them with small challenges and insights. While we cannot change anyone, I’m gonna be a hippie here and say I believe in love and its power to change people!

SO. I can relate to both sides of this coin. I have controlling people in my life that I am beginning to see in a new, more compassionate, light. Also, in my fleshly, un-redeemed nature, I grew to be very controlling in my first couple years of marriage because those years felt chaotic after my structured, safe, tightly-held-together childhood and college years. It was a paradigm shift and a new type of relationship I did not have any skills to handle well. I had a strong sense of wanting to do everything in my newly adult life “right”, but felt a power struggle with my husband as his opinions of “right” didn’t always match mine. Also, I had major health problems that made me feel like I was in a power struggle with God!

My first session of counseling, to my remembrance, was with a very insightful woman when I was maybe around 35 years old. After probably starting out our session with a 20 minute personal monologue (verbal processor here!) she said, “So when did you start believing you had to be God?”

I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me…and that I was talking to the right lady.

Control is ultimately fearing that we have this responsibility to do God’s job yet overwhelming pain comes when we realize we are failing. Of course we would be failing; the whole premise is wrong! God alone is God and God alone is good at being God, and we must understand the difference in our roles.

Will we let Him be Lord over every part of our lives or will we keep holding some things very, very close and out of His reach?

Will we trust Him to be Savior for our kids and loved ones, when we know there is nothing else we reasonably and prayerfully should be doing to protect and guide them?

Will we “be still and know that He is God”? (Ps. 46:10)

The possibilities of failure and pain will always be there.

But the pressure we put on ourselves to keep that failure and pain far from our personal doorstep can be relieved.

We can exhale. We can stop living from a place of fear and live from a place of love – knowing God will give us and our loved ones the perfect amount of help from on high when we need it, come what may.

Knowing Who He is gives us the sense of safety we need to bear with one another and dissipate our personal hold on all the things we carry.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Ps. 94:19

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November

I haven’t done my usual Wednesday blogging in almost a month.

It has been a hard month…for so many people. The last blog I wrote was about believing, choosing to believe, that God is enough for those who are grieving or doubting. And that is what I have been doing as I wait and pray.

I’m thankful that God brings new opportunities every day – every hour really – to be filled by Him, to be renewed, to remember. Otherwise, how could we do this? How could we keep going? His Spirit and His Word really are our water and food. Our inner man can live abundantly, even in all this.

There were losses and funerals…there were painful conversations…there is chronic illness and questions and pain…there are severe issues in young lives that I care about…several in my immediate family were sick…and God keeps saying “hold on to Me.”

As a “helper”, as a listener, prayer-warrior, mom, wife, and friend, it can sometimes be hard to keep holding on to Him if I am holding on tight to others “in need.” When my focus gets on myself (and how I feel), or others (and how they feel), I begin to sink.

This isn’t about detaching from others, but it is about embracing the reality that my role is actually to keep my eyes on Jesus while asking others to join me.

Again, again, again, again – The exhale comes when we put our eyes on Him. When He is in His rightful place, we can be in our’s. That’s where rest is. That’s where strength is. That’s where joy is.

What I learned in November, again: It is no longer I that live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Hang in there – by holding on to Him.

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Believing God for the Grievers

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

There is so much grief surrounding us right now.

I have been thinking about how in many parts of the world, that grief never lifts.

I would assume many people become numb to it, becoming accustomed to constant loss.

But most of us here in America aren’t accustomed to constant loss, death, disease, epidemics, or the absolute worst: having a child die before their parent.

But in our community, over the past few weeks and thinking back to a few years ago, we have lost so so so many young people. Each of their families will never be the same, and there is a somberness we all feel in knowing that. I think that’s appropriate. I think we are learning sorrow and joy can co-exist and they must. I think we are learning life is short and we have to stay focused on what truly matters.

Lately, I’ve been telling my kids in light of college applications, test scores, making teams, having a boyfriend or not, all they could worry about, etc. : All that really matters is your peace with God.

Emphasis on God.

How do we carry the pain of grief when something so final and so terrifying happens to someone we know?

We humbly and confidently expect God to show up in the fullest extent of His power and love for them.

We boil it all down to Him and what His Word says He is and what His Word says He can do.

We place our TRUST that HIS power, HIS healing, HIS closeness, and HIS sufficiency is going to rush in, comfort, hold, mend, strengthen, uphold, counsel, and bring life to the grievers – to those left behind to learn how to live again.

We join in their grief by joining in their faith, upholding their faith even if they can’t feel or say or believe anything right now.

I don’t know the right words to say, and this message isn’t for the grievers. It’s for those who love those grievers. As we give money, support in any way we can, help with kids, clean or cook, show up to memorial services, cry and sit and visit and send cards, or pray from afar, this is what we hold onto…for them, for ourselves, because reconciling loss affects us all.

Every one of us will go through loss and sorrow personally. When we do, what do we want people to do for us? What do we want them to hold onto alongside us?

For me, I know the answer.

I want people to trust the Lord with me.

I want people to trust that God is going to reveal a part of Himself to me in my raw heart break that I have never seen before.

I want people to trust that because He lives, I can and will face tomorrow.

As we mourn, as we question, as we despair, as we numb out, as we lay there, as we cry, as we try to function again, we can also believe that God’s power can and will do the impossible.

If He can make a crumpled hand stretch out…

if He can make lung tissue begin to swell with breath again after days in the tomb…

if He can forgive a murderer, if He can welcome all of us into perfect eternity after all our failures…

if He can promise resurrection life of our actual bodies and our actual souls so that anyone who comes to Him will never die and never be lost for good…

He can make a way for grievers and sufferers to thrive again – attached to the Vine, bearing fruit, living, loving, giving, breathing, glowing, reflecting His light in a dark world – consoling others in their afflictions in the same way they received consolation from God. And until that day, He can live in their heart and mind and body through the power of the Holy Spirit and give them each breath that they need, each thought that they need to make it another day.

I choose to believe this. I choose to believe He will be who every mourner will find with them at the very rock bottom of their pit. I choose to believe we daily need to feed our faith so that when it is our time, while we still face all the horrors of physical, mental, and emotional trauma, we know there is only One whose fellowship, whose closeness, can really heal.

For anyone reading this now, the Word of God is alive. When we eat of it, we become more alive. If death is surrounding your heart and mind, He is calling your name out of death and into life–calling your attention to Him and a life in the Spirit, an inner life that will never die. As we sow seed to this inner life, this life in Christ, the things of the world become less important and the mind set on the Him is life and peace. (Romans 8, Colossians 3, Isaiah 26:3) This life is passing. It is shakeable. But we are called into a life hidden with Him, and His refuge, His arms, are there for us every time we cannot handle our earthly senses another moment. He longs to hold us, renew us, and then send us back with new strength. (Isaiah 40:31) Let us grow and deepen that part of us that cannot be shaken.

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A Moment of Encouragement

When we want to quit, instead we can take a break.

What can your break look like?

What can a daily break look like for you, and what is keeping you from getting it?

If you are going through trauma, and most of us are in one way or another, you need a daily break. A funny show. A handful of M&Ms. A walk outside. A nap. Something just for you. Take it; do it. Make sure you haven’t given in to martyr syndrome.

What can a monthly break look like for you? A quarterly one?

You have permission to take breaks and be renewed. Do you believe that?

When we want to stop loving, we can choose to place healthy boundaries.

Who in your life is the hardest to love?

What can you decide in advance to do to no longer respond the same way to their difficulty, their need, their codependency, or their personal problems?

You are allowed to stop feeling bad that you can’t fix them, and that you’re stuck in a cycle with them. You can acknowledge the relationship is not as healthy as you wish it was, and maybe that you don’t know how to get it to a place of health. You can set boundaries and still love. You can see things for how they are and not be “negative”.

What will your boundary be, for your own personal well-being, knowing that no one else’s is your sole responsibility?

When we don’t think we can go on another moment, we have options.

We can rest.

We can stop and breathe and write it out, sing it out, yell it out, whisper it out to God.

We can accept there are no quick fixes and lament as long as we need to.

We can place it in God’s hands and choose to praise Him just for who He is, in a great exchange of our human depth of emotion for His divine download of strength and peace.

In praising Him, we remember Who is in control. We are put in our place and it’s okay to be little. There is joy and simplicity in being little.

When we are small, we realize how appropriate it is to expect less of ourselves…how appropriate it is to take breaks rather than giving up altogether…how appropriate it is to turn course, set new boundaries, think creatively, let go of guilt, stop thinking we are the end all be all for people.

We get to choose our perspective and our responses. There is a beautiful power in that which was given to us by God.

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Exchanges

Life in Christ is all about exchanges.

He exchanges our sin and failures for right standing with God.

He exchanges our focus on this fleshly life for a focus on what really matters, a Matthew 6:33 life, where we are seeking His Kingdom and His righteousness first, allowing the “other stuff” to be taken care of by the Father according to His perfect timing and love.

And He also exchanges our daily sadness, confusion, and weariness for Joy, Clarity, and Strength.

Let’s talk about that for a minute.

There is a time to grieve….a time to question, think, sit…and a time to rest, do nothing, let go.

These are necessities for growth, just like off days when you work out hard: You have to give muscles the chance to stretch back out after tightening, tearing. That’s how they grow.

But then your weakness is exchanged for strength.

Our training as believers, spiritually, is to keep going through pain, fires, trials, conflicts, disappointments, personal struggles, yet each time learning to come with them to Jesus and go through the process of an exchange!

We can experience trauma without becoming victims.

We can experience loss without becoming empty.

We can experience stress and pressure without becoming numb, hopeless, angry, and sick.

This is the power of Christ in us.

This is one of the benefits of seeking first His Kingdom, and living – in our hearts – already in His family, His Kingdom, not necessarily with our eyes on Heaven (like as in the “sweet by and by”) but on JESUS, the Author and Perfecter of our faith who endured the cross and sat down at the right hand of God the Father. He is reigning, He is loving, He is giving daily manna, for those in the Kingdom – even though our earthly lives are set in a disturbing, ever shaken, ever darkening place.

But this is the power of His exchange. This is where we have light in darkness. This is where we have peace in chaos.

We have to choose whether or not we will make the exchange.

Each day, I feel like Jesus says, “You can do this or You can let Me live and love through you. You can continue to just survive this job – relationship – time of healing – or You can fall into my arms and we will do this together. You can keep your eyes on the problem, or you can put your eyes on Me. I can be your obsession, your waking thought – My strength, My wisdom, My Word – or you will be obsessed with your own process and progress…It is your choice.”

Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Singleness is hard. Parenting is hard. Not parenting is hard. Work is hard. Not working is hard. Health is hard. Money is hard. People are hard. Not having people is hard!

But through Philippians 4:4-6 and Colossians 3:1-17 and James 1 and 2 Peter 1:3-11, actually the entirety of God’s Word, we see we have an opportunity for a continuous exchange of our thoughts for His, our perspectives for His, our goals for His, our wisdom for His…

And as He once gave His life for us, we give it back to Him.

Yes, we give up a lot in this exchange, relatively speaking…

But I can’t help but say, on the other side of the exchange that I made at one time and that I daily make, there is no true, real, abundant life without forsaking my life to hide myself in Him.

When I give Him my pain, yes, I may also be giving Him my freedom to do what I want with my life – but how was I planning to make it through life lugging that pain around anyway? How far was I going to get?

When I give Him my anger, yes, I may also be giving Him my money and what makes me feel safe and what I expected out of a relationship – but those three things were always an illusion and I’m better off without living my life trying to control them.

One of the methods of exchange – practically speaking – is worship and thanksgiving. When I give God my praise, in the midst of the battle, in the midst of the sorrows or questions, He goes and does something miraculous.

We can cast our cares, our sins, our failures, and everyone else’s, too, that are weighing heavy on our minds and hearts, clogging our avenue to peace and joy. We can lay them down…We can bless His Name…We can cling to His living Word…

We can come, and keep coming, for the joy of the Lord is our strength.

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Overcoming Perfectionism Post No. 492 ;)

I am not sure when I realized it, it certainly wasn’t all at one time – I thought that I was just a careful person, very concerned with my sense of responsibility. I didn’t realize how much fear was involved and how much of my daily thought life was spent on expecting myself to look ahead and work to avoid trouble for me and those I love.

I’ve had a lot of stress lately that is/was clearly making my body act like it had been through some kind of trauma, for example, brain fog and forgetting things (even conversations) and needing incredibly long hours of sleep and just numbness.

This response in my body makes me really frustrated, because as a mom of at least one highly sensitive child, they seem to need me to function at a very high level and get anxious if I am anxious or don’t have things perfectly together.

Do you have someone in your family whose struggles have made you feel like you have to be more perfect or together than you truthfully can be?

It’s important to just acknowledge the effect that has on us.

But the good news is, well, boundaries…but also…there are many learning moments and opportunities for all of us to grow when life shows us just how weak and not-in-control we are.

These can be teaching opportunities, and whether that person in our life is a parent, spouse, or child, it is okay for them to face our humanity and learn to deal with their challenges and struggles with it. It is okay for us to fail them and let God do a work in that. In fact, we probably aren’t doing them any favors by bending over backwards to make sure they never feel their life is out of control…I mean, honestly, it’s all an illusion anyway.

Today when things weren’t going as smoothly as we might have liked in a stressful moment, I shared that I have begun to find a lot of peace in reminding myself that I cannot predict even in the next moment in the future and I likely will come across a hard thing…and when I do, I know and believe and trust that between God, myself, and others God puts in my path, I will have what I need in that moment.

I don’t get to wake up every morning and know exactly what I will need in my backpack; I’m not going to “always be prepared” no matter how hard I try. If you have heard my song Maybe that I wrote almost two decades ago, you know this has been a lifelong issue. The lyrics say, “I want to see the entire pathway, so I can prepare myself for the hard days//I don’t wanna mess up the short life I’ve been given.”

Whew. Hello, perfectionism alert!

But I choose to believe I have made it this far, by God’s grace, and when things happen like getting turned around while driving, being late, needing to call someone for help, disappointing someone, wasting money accidentally, or having to apologize because I let my frustration overcome my filter, my inner critic or rising adrenaline may be present but so will the grace to make it through yet another hard thing.

To me, this is the truth that wins over and crowds out fear, perfectionism, and worry!

His promise that we will have problems is sure;

His promise we will have His presence – not His blame – is equally sure.

…”Maybe I can let the journey take me where it will//Maybe I can learn to love the unknown, deep valleys and steep hills and//Maybe I can trust a little longer this time around//Maybe I won’t lose my ground as easily//Maybe.”

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For the Beauty

“For the beauty of the earth, for the glory of the skies –

for the love which from our birth over and around us lies –

Lord of all, to Thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise.”

Every shade of peach, brown, orange, yellow, gold, red that is found on the trees, in the field, in the harvest, at the table…

Every shade of green: lime, kelly, sage, hunter, reminding us of life and energy that we did not create…

Every taste we save for the season: caramel, pumpkin, apple, pecan, cider…

Sunflowers bow their heads and let down their seeds for next year while the withering brown stalks of corn blow in the wind – though it feels like yesterday they were vibrant green and yellow giants.

From the changing leaves to the steady evergreens…

From the birds preparing their flight to the squirrels preparing their stay…

Our seemingly mundane January through December gets a golden hour.

The excitement and worries – the old and new plans – the hopes and the failures – the uncomfortable and the unknown in relationships, finances, children, teens, marriage – just life here on earth –

is heavy –

but the backdrop behind it all –

is beauty.

While life is heavy – yes, right in the middle of it – God paints beauty across the sky, in the sunsets, in the surprising chill of the shade and the last moments of warm sun.

How kind of Him.

And how telling.

What is He telling you?

I think the extreme beauty of this season is a reminder that life will remain heavy no matter what details change, but that He’s still here with us, creating new beauty when the old ends, and He will keep on even when we can’t see it.

I think it’s a reminder to learn how to carry a burden, a long term cross, without waiting to live – without waiting to give thanks, without waiting to mourn, without waiting to hope again, without waiting for more – can we let Him be enough for us?

I think it’s a reminder to find the special and marvel at it.

To stop to watch the leaves fall when a gust of wind blows through the trees.

To pause and enjoy that little shiver, knowing full well how luxurious a blanket feels when we need one.

As autumn is a reflection of His beauty, His comfort, and His plan, may we enjoy Him in every aspect of it!