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Honesty

This entry isn’t quite as fun as the last…no pictures, because believe me, you don’t want to see this! I am having such a rough time with my health, and oh how it seeps, overflows, floods, ruins other parts of my life. For so many years I have wrestled and fought, filling journals up with schedules and diets and knowledge that would fit in everything I need…the right amount of rest, the right amount of work, the right amount of this and that type of food, exercise, social life, prayer time, family time, oh my gosh, the list goes on. It’s like I think that if I do everything just right then how could my body not respond with health? At the same time as all this struggle, for so many years I have also surrendered. I’ve given it to God and even said, “Fine. You obviously don’t have the life for me that I thought You had. I will live like this, I am Your’s. It doesn’t matter…” It does matter, but He knows what I mean. It isn’t everything. We are eternal, and this is temporary. I do think that acceptance and faith go hand in hand, which is certainly a goal of our time here.

But even that seems to have a limit. The fact is there is a balance, a fight, a tight rope I have to walk in the midst of trying to also stay in a place of humility and surrender to the Lord and His plan to heal or to not heal. I am delirious with hope that I could find the problem(s) and not have to claw my way through every single thing I do. When I think I’ve hit on it, I turn to the Lord to excitedly say, “Is this what this has all been about? Can I be free now?” So far, the answer has not been yes. It’s confusing, and I can honestly say I am not angry about going through what I am going through, I am angry about having this deep feeling that it’s up to me, who I am, and what I do to be healed. It means that I can try my very hardest my whole life, wearing myself out for a healthy life and a healthy family, living in balance and in God’s will whatever that may be, and still have no results because of one thing I didn’t try. I’m angry to be put in such a situation. It’s not up to me to fix me. But that’s exactly how I feel. Is my life in His hands or mine?
I can’t find the right responses for the things that hit me all day. I am stressed and exhausted over things that just aren’t a big deal. I’m always telling Selah to stop talking, always telling Yemi to stop screaming. I can’t get away enough, even though in my heart of hearts I want to be with them a lot, in a different circumstance. I want to sip hot tea, curl up with a book, meditate, pray, take long walks, stare at something beautiful, listen to silence, slip away to see a friend or two, but then come home in plenty of time for a relaxing path to bedtime. Huge changes have been made to make life a little closer to this dream, but i begin to wonder, “how long is it going to be about me here?” The books I am reading say this is vital to my treatment and healing. And I hear God in that question, too. I hear Him quickly entering into the discussion, answering in a way that this overachiever ministry drop-out is surprised by. He says “I’ll lead you beside still waters. I’ll restore your soul.” I don’t think He’s worried about how long that will take…
All this writing to come to the conclusion that all my efforts may or may not result in change, healing, balance…but the most important effort is taking Jesus’s offer to stroll along the riverbank together, to feel that kind of personal protection of “I’ll restore your soul”, “i’ll make a place at the table for you before your enemies”. This is the one effort that receives a reward, and the one that needs the most attention put to it. When it all feels overwhelming, spiritual training wins.
It’s been a long day, much too long…but I did rejoice this morning because my family and I went to church for the first time in months. I was able to get up, and boy have I suffered for it today! But it IS the end of the day, and I am heading to bed. Praying for grace for the next week, and praying that I won’t overthink everything and just be led by those quiet waters.
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Time and Other Things That Fly!

I really can’t believe it.

One year ago I was boarding a plane. Like all international adventures I had set out on, there were lots of forms to fill out; lots of wondering about things like “will the airline have our reservation?” and “am I really leaving tonight?”; and lots of jet-lag, zombie-like fatigue as we bounced from airport lobby to airport lobby. There was one thing different one year ago though. I was not alone as I most always was in travels of the past. Jack and I traveled to Ethiopia as a pair and came back as a trio.



A very small, very wide eyed, very dependent little 14 pound 8 and a half month old baby girl was in our arms. 16 hour flight. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of crying, quite a lot of staring at the seat in front of us and thinking, “Will this ever end? Was that seriously only just 5 minutes that passed since the last time I looked?” And I’ll just go ahead and say it, because it was such an ordeal for all of us adopting parents on the plane, there was a lot of poo! My word! Those poor little bellies, and poor little mommies trying to clean it up in the 1 sq. ft. bathrooms.

Jack took care of it a couple times, and once, when he had to change her clothes because of the major blow-out, he put the yucky diaper in one bag and her equally yucky outfit in another bag. ONE of these bags I held onto in my backpack all the way back to my bathroom in Kentucky, because I wanted to wash it and pretend such things had never occurred! However, when I emptied this bag into my sink, you guessed it…I had carried home a disgusting soiled bag of poo. The outfit? In some airline garbage bin.

(The following pictures are of Yemi’s room in the orphanage, shared by about a dozen babies. The woman was one of her nannies, Susanna.)



But alas, moving on…we made it. We arrived at the airport on April 25th to a boatload of people, tears in their eyes; it was obvious they had been praying us home. What a group effort the journey to Yemi had been! That’s exactly what I hoped it would be. I think it changed many of us along the way…our world view, our openness to different races and cultures, it taught us perseverance, and gave us to hold in our very hands and hearts one of the precious jewels of Africa.


For a million reasons, I’m so glad God led us to adopt. I admit, I’m also glad it’s over! But there is no length I wouldn’t have traveled to bring her home. She is my daughter; heart of my heart. My second born. Connected for life by our brown eyes that meet adoringly.
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Teaching Lessons

So today was my last day of teaching lessons. It’s really bizarre how I’ve been praying about this for a year, but it still seems like it happened all of a sudden. Last year with Yemi coming (exactly one year ago, April 25th) I had sort of secretly hoped I would not continue working for much longer. I only taught piano, voice, and beginning guitar one day a week though, and truly enjoyed it, so it wasn’t a big deal to keep going.

Then in September of last year I started having more intense problems with my sleep disorder/fatigue weirdness thing, and my throat and voice became specifically under attack. It was really odd; I still don’t know what is going on, but I can’t sing much and my throat feels very tight and clenched. A bit alarming. I am going to have a scope done on May 3rd and we’ll see if there is something there; if not, it could be the sleeping meds I take causing the problem. That would be the best possibility out there at this point, and of course my prayer is for God’s healing, and that I would not need those nasty things ever again!
I love my students. Some I had been teaching for the past 4 years, and have seen them grow up before my very eyes. I am really proud of each of them! My favorite thing is to teach students how to sing and play their instruments at the same time, work on song writing, and develop their own artistry. I also really enjoy teaching theory, which I snuck in there any chance I had. I enjoyed helping my voice students be true to their own voice, and communicate a message well. It is such a privilege to spend one-on-one time with young people; it’s a real honor. I think all of our conversations, laughter, and of course time learning music has been beneficial and worshipful. I may not be able to stay away for long!
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Am I Crazy to Be Homeschooling?

Today is one of those days I would gladly send Selah Jordan Taylor away on a big yellow school bus. No tears, no sentimental moments thinking about how sad it is for her to be out of the house 8 hours a day. But most days of the week, I don’t feel this way. Most days, I feel like there is nothing else I’d rather be doing and no one else I’d rather invest in than my two daughters, and that very sentence has led me down the path to the rather controversial decision to homeschool.
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Everyone has an opinion, but making a decision that WE can live with is really all that matters in the end. Will I always go back and forth wondering if I’m doing the right thing? Am I correct in believing that Selah will have much different habits, attitudes, and values if I have more time with her than public schoolteachers? Will I be creative and enthusiastic and motivated enough for this to be a good experience? If I am not healed, how can I do this? If I am not healed, how can I NOT do this?
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Selah and I enjoyed this year of home school preschool. She is so advanced she could probably fit right into first grade this coming fall. It has been genuinely quality time that I would not have had with her since Yemi has joined the family. I am positive she will learn a wider and deeper range of information on more important (in my book!) subjects if I home school, and I am positive she will feel close and special to me as well. She will have plenty of interaction with friends through church, sports, AWANA, small group, etc., and we will be less busy as a family because so much can get done during the day time–these are two very important aspects of life to me. SO…may the Lord’s will be done. Pray for me!

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Long Time No See

I’ve thoroughly and completely loved and squeezed the life out of spring these past 2 weeks. It has been glorious! You will not catch me complaining of the heat or allergies, because I don’t even care! It’s felt too good to be true. I’m not a “crier”, but it has brought me to tears several times to see the world (and me!) come alive again!
This winter I began comparing the coming spring to Jesus’s return. Not necessarily on purpose, it was just that parallels kept coming to my mind. Some days I looked outside to the cold grey wetness and realized it was taking faith to believe spring would come, just like I see the burdens of the world stretched out ahead of me and behind me, making it hard to believe all this could be washed and new and beautiful ever ever ever again. Sure, spring comes every year, just like we’ve been told since childhood that Jesus was coming back, but you do begin to wonder. Then all of a sudden (just as He will come, as a thief in the night!), we could go out without our coats, and not only without our coats but in shorts! The little feeble plants of last summer had long been deep and covered in the ground; all I saw was death and remains when I looked at those flower beds! And then, just as the dead in Christ shall rise, in rich, colorful coats these frail plants of last season popped out of the dirt and screamed, “YES! It is time!!!” They are beautiful and brand new, and so shall we be. Those who have suffered in the name of Jesus, those who have obeyed to the end, will wear their white robes, and I don’t know the half of it, but the day will come when our hearts truly don’t have a care in the world. The time of toil and waiting and even faith will be over, and we’ll stroll. (When was the last time you strolled?) What was dead, He will make alive. What was sick, He will heal. What was dark, He will lighten. What was long and hard and brutal and sad, He will deliver! Spring came, and so shall He!
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us NEW BIRTH into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never spoil or fade-kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.” 1 Peter 1:3-5
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March Already?

So…time sure flies by when you spend every few weeks in bed sick! Gee whiz.

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I’m excited because I’m going to a new doctor tomorrow; she’s all about wholeness and natural remedies, getting to the root of the issue, and not taking a prescription drug for every little problem (opposite of my past doctors!) I am sure hoping that the Lord uses her to put some puzzle pieces in and share some wisdom on anything I can learn or do to feel better more often.
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I’m supposed to be writing about quiet times lately, and I haven’t done it! I can’t even remember what I wrote last time…But anyway, I think today I’ll just say a few things I do during or as my quiet time that are strengthening, connecting, and perhaps a little different.
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-getting in a hot bubble bath and praying through a Voice of the Martyrs or World Vision magazine (these are so valuable for global intercession; keeps me from saying, “Lord, bless Africa” and nothing specific.)
-prayer walking (walking and praying! pretty easy!)
-turning on ihop.org (prayer room) or a worship CD and singing/praying along
-listen to a podcast or message by Martha Kilpatrick, Shelley Hundley, other teachers from ihop
-prayer nap (I don’t go to sleep, but I just lay down and rest and let the Holy Spirit lead my prayers completely. He always takes me to places I wouldn’t have went if I had been sitting up, more in control of that time.)
-reading and then meditating and/or journaling. Some GREAT books are Adoration by Martha Kilpatrick, 100 Days in the Secret Place compiled by Gene Edwards, Streams in the Desert compiled by Mrs. Charles Spurgeon, and of course, most of all, the Bible! When I read a book, I usually journal through it or write notes along the side so that I make the most of the information personally.
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Just some thoughts…God is definitely longing for us to draw near, or at least realize HE is drawing near! I long to be faithful to come to Him.

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quiet???

Quiet times? Is there any such thing as quiet…at this stage of life…in this home? With a coughing husband, a small echoing thin walled squeaky floored house, a baby wanting to get up from a nap, and a daughter who refuses to understand the rule to stay in her room during this hour, this hour which we recognize every single day??? The four o’clock hour. This is my only hour alone. I am a creative introvert, and I require lots of quiet and free space to think…otherwise, I feel a little crazy and if someone asks me a simple question, I go, “Uh…um…huh?” So, this one tiny hour. I need like 5 of them. And God is, in His sweet love for me, asking me to spend it with Him. He always rewards those who seek Him. (I desire to be more faithful!)

I think one of the hardest parts of having this time with God is staying focused during it. Sometimes having a plan isn’t as unspiritual and uncreative as one might think! I learned ACTS a long time ago. It’s a good way to get focused in His presence really; adoring Him –confessing sin–thanking Him (specifically)–supplication (laying before Him your needs and others). A plan for Bible study isn’t a bad idea either, instead of just jumping in a new book every day. Reading through a book of the Bible, going slow and meditating and memorizing and letting it sink in, is wonderful. If there’s something I don’t understand or am not getting anything new from it, I just go on. We are taking in truth; we can’t go wrong! Sometimes I journal everything about this prayer time, actually writing out my adoration, confession, thanks, and supplication, and sometimes I just write down a couple things He showed me during it. Another thing that usually helps is that if my mind wanders to something totally random, I will actually pray about that thing, even if it’s a TV show, I’ll pray for the people in it or whatever. One time I sensed the enemy’s aggravation when I did this, so I keep doing it!! If what comes to your mind is a to-do list, put an actual to-do list next to your quiet time spot and write down what comes to mind so you won’t forget it.
The last thing in regard to mind wandering/weakness of mind and heart during quiet time is that when we spend this time with God, we aren’t always going to walk away with our faces shining like Moses. We shouldn’t feel bad or empty if we took in His word, prayed for who He brought to our mind, and praised Him but didn’t walk away changed and glorious and exuberant. This is faith. And this is a relationship. So, if our mind is a little “off” during our time with Him and there was no real click, I truly believe He will bless us anyway. There have been so many times God didn’t show me during my quiet time what sin was in my life, but then a day later when I’m doing the dishes, He reveals it to me. I may hear nothing when I am listening for it, but then out of the blue when I am least expecting it, He speaks. That helps us to know it is Him many times. He is with us beyond the quiet time, but this hour (or whatever amount) dedicated to Him tells Him something special and opens a door for Him into the other hours of our day.
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Reese Bars from the Lunch Ladies Recipe

1 box powdered sugar

2 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 cup butter
6 oz. package of chocolate chips or chocolate almond bark
1 1/4 cups peanut butter
Combine sugar, butter, and peanut butter.
Add graham cracker crumbs and mix well.
Press out in 9×13 pan. Melt chocolate and spread over top.
Let cool 1 hour, cut in pieces, then cool in refrigerator.
It comes out of the pan much better when cold.
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Humbling!!

Ha! So this is a totally humbling experience!

Last week, I blogged about quiet times and I don’t think I’ve had a single one since then! There were a couple times I just made the choice to do something else, because I felt overwhelmed by that thing and had no other time to do it. Sometimes I made the choice to do something else because I wanted to have fun and not think. But most days of this week, I could not even tell you what I was doing! I have no idea whatsoever! I didn’t go anywhere until the weekend, but just being busy at home…wow…it chewed me up and spit me out!
I’m hoping for a good week with the Lord. I’m hoping for the ability to concentrate and breathe and be still with Him, in a good hour with Him every day, with good friends who love Him, and just throughout the day whatever I may be doing for my family. That would be an incredible week!
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Quiet Times

I wanted to write a little bit today about my quiet times. I have been encouraged lately by friends who have said they remember me always having my prayer/worship/Bible study time, even if it didn’t seem like I got anything done that day. That utterly blessed my heart, this encouragement, because ever since I truly gave my heart and soul to the Lord in 1991, communing with Him every day (that I am willing and able) has been a major priority. I forget sometimes where I have been with the Lord and it is encouraging to see this “quiet time” thing be a thread running through my life since I was 13 years old ! There have been seasons where I struggled with it, but through middle school, high school, college, missions, marriage, and raising kids, the Lord has been my Rock and Best Friend. Especially in difficult times, or on the mission field, I felt He was calling me to more time alone with Him than usual, and it was very sweet to sit with Him for those hours. It’s a privilege. For me, spending time with Him alone nourishes me and focuses me…then by His grace and strength, I can hopefully be more like Him and stay in an awareness of worship throughout the day. Those quiet times keep me connected to His heartbeat; I want to know what is on the Father’s heart and He lets us in if we’ll just come. For the next few blogs, I’m going to share what I do in my quiet times, and maybe pass along an idea or two that could spur on your walk with the Lord.