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Today

I totally realize that I don’t write about anything deep on this blog…I guess I thought that I would when I started it, but I just don’t have a lot of time to “go there” these days, er, years…But anyway, I just wanted to blog about my little but wonderful day.

I feel so much peace today. There are still questions and concerns out there, but they don’t have the weight they did just a few days ago. Some important things have been resolved, but some haven’t, and it’s okay. So, some of this peace is circumstantial, but a good bit of it is not. In worship today, we just sat enveloped in the love of God, utterly aware of the truth that we are a delight to Him and that we were created to adore Him which is simply a response to His love for us first! With tears streaming down my face, all I could think was, “I want every day to begin like this. I can’t remember how to live or how to function correctly as a believer, Lord, I am hopeless! But I know if You come to me like You are right now, nothing will stand in the way of Your glory today in me.”
I am thankful for today- every bit of it. I’m thankful that I was with my family, that the sky was incredibly blue and the clouds incredibly fluffy. I’m thankful that we got to eat out, because that is a non-necessity that I still don’t take lightly. I’m thankful that my body is being healed, and that the dozen things that were going wrong are now beginning to go right; I’m thankful for the wisdom and insight that I am gleaning and will continue to gain by the hand of God. I’m thankful that even when I continually mess up, God is giving me the desire to make better decisions for true wholeness for my body and soul. I’m thankful my nephew and mother in law are doing well and out of the hospital! I’m thankful that I’m gaining peace as I gradually adjust to the idea of Selah starting kindergarten in a mere 2 months (okay, I admit very gradually, slowly and painfully adjust!!)
Life is hard, but God really is good. I am not at a point where I can say it’s a rest stop in the journey, not at all, but I am feeling like some of the steepest climbs are over for now. Maybe we can move on and think about some new things now…
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The Last Month!

Where do I begin?

May was such an absolute blur, and to be honest, I’m glad it’s done with. I’m hoping June will bring some slower, lazy days where we can go to the pool, actually think about what we’re eating instead of cramming in “party food”, and not have lots of stuff to write in on the calendar. I guess some people like being busy, but I’m not really one of them…
However, I do love being with friends, family, and showing love to people, so these are worthy things for the calendar space! We plan to go to Holiday World with my mom and dad; hopefully see little baby Jackson, my new nephew who was born on Jack’s birthday, just last week; spend time with Jack’s family as we rejoice that his mom is out of the hospital and doing better; go to the zoo and water park with friends; have a family get-together midsummer to celebrate as Yemi turns 2 and Selah turns 5. (We are combining their birthdays now! Yay for consolidation!)
Selah actually turned 5 TODAY! We have had lots of birthday fun with her, I’ll post about that later. Also, I’ll be excited to post about the good things happening in my health lately and the improvements I am starting to see.
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Some Fave Pictures of Lately…

My new yellow walls and bamboo floors. This is a dream come true!
I LOVE worshipping the Lord with Selah; He comes in power all the time when we stop for a while and praise Him, read the Word together, dance, sing, and intercede for others. He has spoken some things to Selah in these times, and it is so meaningful.
Yemi Abigail. What a cutie-pie!
Amber, Joanna, and the kids at the park…So much fun, except for the goose poop!

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Just What’s On My Mind

Forewarning: this is going to be random!

I am thinking about:
*worship, having great times of worship with family and friends, sometimes just me and Selah, or just me and God. I am overwhelmed by the exchange that happens when I stop and adore Him, and lay everything down before Him (again). He fills me up. It’s silly to think I don’t need to go back over and over.
*Yemi giving out more and more hugs and kisses and smiles and all-out chuckles every day. Still screaming, but these breaks are nice!
*my house looking kinda new! Spring has arrived here, I am telling you! Yellow paint where there used to be cranberry, new lighter floors, glossy white trim and doors, my african stuff brought upstairs to decorate with for the first time in a LONG time. Fixing up both inside and outside of my house has been a therapeutic blessing to me.
*speaking of therapeutic…I have been on treatment for adrenal fatigue for 2 months now, and this past week I have actually felt good. I also have had several tests to find out what is wrong with my throat/voice, and it is (drum roll) acid reflux. Not a friend. I’ve tweaked my “body for life diet lifestyle” to reduce carbs and sugar, at least most days of the week. (I can’t help but cheat every now and then!) I’ve rested when I needed to, I’ve learned what this illness is, and I’ve gotten a really good kick in the booty with some great information. It all makes sense. I feel like my healing from the Lord is simply in implementing this info. Why would He heal me just for ME to bring sickness back on myself? I am learning how to recover and not get back here again. (LORD-WILLING!)
*more thoughts on home schooling…lots more!
*a friend in Africa who sliced her toe and had to have stitches with no (sp?) anesthetic. Her life there…
*my life here.
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Dieting

Ugh. Dieting! I am “tweaking” the “lifestyle eating plan” that I have been on for 1 1/2 years. I didn’t really want to tweak it, but the following reasons are making me:

#1 I haven’t lost a pound since last July, and I see some middle spread coming back.
#2 Finding out I have adrenal fatigue has led me to learn exactly what happens when I eat sugar. Yikes. It is not pretty for my insides, let alone my outsides. It honestly scared me, and led me to believe that if I don’t go low-carb and quit eating sugar so much, I will not get better. For the first week or so after this discovery–that my diet might have been making me sicker even though I’ve worked really hard to eat well–I was overwhelmed and even somewhat defeated. But now I’m digging in and trying my best.
#3 Several different people have told me lately that eating low-carb and very low sugar can lower your cholesterol (which I found out was a slight problem for me), stave off diabetes (duh, but I needed a wake up call), get rid of acid reflux (which my throat is telling me I have), plus of course to lose weight and have more energy. Sounds like it’s well worth a try.
So, I’m counting. Trying to have about 85 grams of carbs per day and about 15 grams of sugar per day. I do not count vegetables, because as I looked up the info on them the amount of carbs is just trivial…and seriously, when would I overeat veggies? Unfortunately never! I do have to count fruit though, because it is pretty loaded. I’m trying to have 5 veggie servings and only 2 fruit servings. The counting (and writing down every gram!) is tedious, and hard if I am not going to be home. But otherwise, I know that in a few weeks, I will just know what adds up to be enough for the day.
The hardest thing is just to not reach for that candy! For about 2 weeks, I haven’t had in the house but I had REALLY gotten used to it! Christmas goodies really bled into Easter candy for me, just about every night, chilling out with Jack, watching TV. Good times…good times. No more. Just kidding. One day a week I am not keeping count, and this free day will be FUN!
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Quilts!

I love…

women, girlfriends, sisters in the Lord


amazing works of art made by patient hands of many colors

cultures around the world, different languages, new traditions & ways of life

ministries that reach women in their most desperate times with the restoration of Jesus Christ

women feeling creative and successful and worthwhile and in touch with the Lord.

This is precisely what some ministries around the world are doing. They are not reaching the masses and the multitudes, but they are taking the time to show people, small groups at a time, that they are important to God. They are showing justice and compassion, and changing lives, as Jesus did as He walked the earth. There is something about small ministries that feel so very, very right. It’s like giving out worth to people who have been dehumanized, to stop and say, “I’m not passing you by. We are putting down the anchor right here, for you, and we aren’t leaving for a good while. You’re worth it. God says so. If we only help you, it was still worth our time and energy and resources.” I just feel such an agreement from the Spirit, in my spirit, with this type of thought…much different than how I would feel even 3 years ago. Very exciting.

Right now I am doing nothing more than selling quilts, hand made by women who are truly the least of these, in Cambodia. They are mostly HIV+ widows, many with children. New Hope for Cambodian Women is a small ministry helping these women by giving them a source of income, through quilt making. They receive their medicines, their kids receive schooling/preschool, healthy meals, and knowledge of the Lord (most importantly). Each quilt comes with a picture and description of the woman who crafted it, so that we can connect and pray for her. Children can be sponsored also through NHCC.

Their website is www.newhopeforcambodianchildren.com. Pictures of all the quilts I have right now are on my facebook profile. Just let me know if you’d like to look and don’t have a facebook account. I hope to partner with a couple other organizations that do this same thing, with a variety of arts and crafts, and am praying for other women to join me in connecting, supporting, and celebrating women across cultures for the Lord.

Here are few of my favorites!





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Some Encouraging Words

I went back and read the last blog I wrote. While most of it makes sense to me, I can tell some of it was Ambien-induced! It is cool how the Lord can speak even in the midst of exhaustion though; it is kind of rare in my experience, but His intervention is what I’ve been praying for, so I shouldn’t be so surprised to get it.

When I went back to read it, I was excited to find that nugget of truth about how the Lord wants to lead me beside still waters and restore my soul. I may feel like I need hours and hours of tea-sipping, book-reading, nap-time to make it through the day, and since I can’t have that I may think I’ll never get well, but in all reality, there is a rest in the Lord and in His Spirit that I can not get from hours of relaxation in the physical realm. Of all things I can change and work toward to make this life a little healthier, balanced, and happy, my time with Him and my connection to His truth are the real life-givers.
“Physical training is of some value but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” (I Tim. 4:8) It is a relief that I needed to feel, to know that I may fail at ALL THINGS, seriously not ever get it right, but if I am dwelling in truth and love with my Maker and His Word, the most important thing is secure. That helps me chill. And for me, chilling is good!
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Honesty

This entry isn’t quite as fun as the last…no pictures, because believe me, you don’t want to see this! I am having such a rough time with my health, and oh how it seeps, overflows, floods, ruins other parts of my life. For so many years I have wrestled and fought, filling journals up with schedules and diets and knowledge that would fit in everything I need…the right amount of rest, the right amount of work, the right amount of this and that type of food, exercise, social life, prayer time, family time, oh my gosh, the list goes on. It’s like I think that if I do everything just right then how could my body not respond with health? At the same time as all this struggle, for so many years I have also surrendered. I’ve given it to God and even said, “Fine. You obviously don’t have the life for me that I thought You had. I will live like this, I am Your’s. It doesn’t matter…” It does matter, but He knows what I mean. It isn’t everything. We are eternal, and this is temporary. I do think that acceptance and faith go hand in hand, which is certainly a goal of our time here.

But even that seems to have a limit. The fact is there is a balance, a fight, a tight rope I have to walk in the midst of trying to also stay in a place of humility and surrender to the Lord and His plan to heal or to not heal. I am delirious with hope that I could find the problem(s) and not have to claw my way through every single thing I do. When I think I’ve hit on it, I turn to the Lord to excitedly say, “Is this what this has all been about? Can I be free now?” So far, the answer has not been yes. It’s confusing, and I can honestly say I am not angry about going through what I am going through, I am angry about having this deep feeling that it’s up to me, who I am, and what I do to be healed. It means that I can try my very hardest my whole life, wearing myself out for a healthy life and a healthy family, living in balance and in God’s will whatever that may be, and still have no results because of one thing I didn’t try. I’m angry to be put in such a situation. It’s not up to me to fix me. But that’s exactly how I feel. Is my life in His hands or mine?
I can’t find the right responses for the things that hit me all day. I am stressed and exhausted over things that just aren’t a big deal. I’m always telling Selah to stop talking, always telling Yemi to stop screaming. I can’t get away enough, even though in my heart of hearts I want to be with them a lot, in a different circumstance. I want to sip hot tea, curl up with a book, meditate, pray, take long walks, stare at something beautiful, listen to silence, slip away to see a friend or two, but then come home in plenty of time for a relaxing path to bedtime. Huge changes have been made to make life a little closer to this dream, but i begin to wonder, “how long is it going to be about me here?” The books I am reading say this is vital to my treatment and healing. And I hear God in that question, too. I hear Him quickly entering into the discussion, answering in a way that this overachiever ministry drop-out is surprised by. He says “I’ll lead you beside still waters. I’ll restore your soul.” I don’t think He’s worried about how long that will take…
All this writing to come to the conclusion that all my efforts may or may not result in change, healing, balance…but the most important effort is taking Jesus’s offer to stroll along the riverbank together, to feel that kind of personal protection of “I’ll restore your soul”, “i’ll make a place at the table for you before your enemies”. This is the one effort that receives a reward, and the one that needs the most attention put to it. When it all feels overwhelming, spiritual training wins.
It’s been a long day, much too long…but I did rejoice this morning because my family and I went to church for the first time in months. I was able to get up, and boy have I suffered for it today! But it IS the end of the day, and I am heading to bed. Praying for grace for the next week, and praying that I won’t overthink everything and just be led by those quiet waters.
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Time and Other Things That Fly!

I really can’t believe it.

One year ago I was boarding a plane. Like all international adventures I had set out on, there were lots of forms to fill out; lots of wondering about things like “will the airline have our reservation?” and “am I really leaving tonight?”; and lots of jet-lag, zombie-like fatigue as we bounced from airport lobby to airport lobby. There was one thing different one year ago though. I was not alone as I most always was in travels of the past. Jack and I traveled to Ethiopia as a pair and came back as a trio.



A very small, very wide eyed, very dependent little 14 pound 8 and a half month old baby girl was in our arms. 16 hour flight. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of crying, quite a lot of staring at the seat in front of us and thinking, “Will this ever end? Was that seriously only just 5 minutes that passed since the last time I looked?” And I’ll just go ahead and say it, because it was such an ordeal for all of us adopting parents on the plane, there was a lot of poo! My word! Those poor little bellies, and poor little mommies trying to clean it up in the 1 sq. ft. bathrooms.

Jack took care of it a couple times, and once, when he had to change her clothes because of the major blow-out, he put the yucky diaper in one bag and her equally yucky outfit in another bag. ONE of these bags I held onto in my backpack all the way back to my bathroom in Kentucky, because I wanted to wash it and pretend such things had never occurred! However, when I emptied this bag into my sink, you guessed it…I had carried home a disgusting soiled bag of poo. The outfit? In some airline garbage bin.

(The following pictures are of Yemi’s room in the orphanage, shared by about a dozen babies. The woman was one of her nannies, Susanna.)



But alas, moving on…we made it. We arrived at the airport on April 25th to a boatload of people, tears in their eyes; it was obvious they had been praying us home. What a group effort the journey to Yemi had been! That’s exactly what I hoped it would be. I think it changed many of us along the way…our world view, our openness to different races and cultures, it taught us perseverance, and gave us to hold in our very hands and hearts one of the precious jewels of Africa.


For a million reasons, I’m so glad God led us to adopt. I admit, I’m also glad it’s over! But there is no length I wouldn’t have traveled to bring her home. She is my daughter; heart of my heart. My second born. Connected for life by our brown eyes that meet adoringly.
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Teaching Lessons

So today was my last day of teaching lessons. It’s really bizarre how I’ve been praying about this for a year, but it still seems like it happened all of a sudden. Last year with Yemi coming (exactly one year ago, April 25th) I had sort of secretly hoped I would not continue working for much longer. I only taught piano, voice, and beginning guitar one day a week though, and truly enjoyed it, so it wasn’t a big deal to keep going.

Then in September of last year I started having more intense problems with my sleep disorder/fatigue weirdness thing, and my throat and voice became specifically under attack. It was really odd; I still don’t know what is going on, but I can’t sing much and my throat feels very tight and clenched. A bit alarming. I am going to have a scope done on May 3rd and we’ll see if there is something there; if not, it could be the sleeping meds I take causing the problem. That would be the best possibility out there at this point, and of course my prayer is for God’s healing, and that I would not need those nasty things ever again!
I love my students. Some I had been teaching for the past 4 years, and have seen them grow up before my very eyes. I am really proud of each of them! My favorite thing is to teach students how to sing and play their instruments at the same time, work on song writing, and develop their own artistry. I also really enjoy teaching theory, which I snuck in there any chance I had. I enjoyed helping my voice students be true to their own voice, and communicate a message well. It is such a privilege to spend one-on-one time with young people; it’s a real honor. I think all of our conversations, laughter, and of course time learning music has been beneficial and worshipful. I may not be able to stay away for long!