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Let the Sun Shine!!

I was so thrilled to have some sunshine these past few days. That, a extra couple of hours of sleep last night, and a good talk with the Lord, have finally brought some hope to my shriveled up little soul! I feel like I can finally write again and possibly have something to say. My goodness, it has been a rough month for me. I had hoped to sort of encourage myself and others through the winter, and I’ve failed pretty miserably. I have been tired and grumpy, trying to do things that make for good health, but not seeing many results, and then other times not exactly “deserving” any results at all. I don’t have a computer to write/blog on, I don’t have a place to even put my pictures to use online, and I was hoping for those outlets this particular season…but it was not meant to be. And that’s okay. Lots of things break and fail, and the more I live, the more I see how incapable I am to do even the smallest things I set out to do.

Could this story end well? Surprisingly, it does! Wow, it really does. Until you’ve been in this place, it will all sound ridiculous…so there’s the warning. But honestly, yesterday I was just crying out to the Lord, telling Him how impossible it was for me to handle all this, how I keep trying to change and rise up but I can’t. And I felt that He was saying to accept myself as I was, really look at the truth for a moment. Before I could argue and say, “What good will that do? When I feel and act like this, I’m not acceptable, Lord, so I can’t…” He was saying, “You have to accept who you are before My help comes, in order to receive My help.” I think it’s called humility.
I had to admit who I am without Him. I had to dwell there and really look at it. Then I could truly know there is no hope for me on my own, and could ask with the correct perspective for Him to come in and do what only He could do. I had to believe that only He could do it, not me even on my best day. See, I was depending on myself to have enough good days-mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually-to live a good life for the Lord…to do the daily things that make me feel like I am living a good life for the Lord anyway. Hilarious! We certainly can’t depend on such an unsteady thing. I asked and He answered, and we’re just going to have to go through this a million more times until I get it. There is a fine line between trying to live in discipline and victory and obedience, and just plain self-righteousness. I don’t get the distinction. I mean, I obviously know there is a distinction, but I certainly have a hard time along the course of my week knowing which I am living in. It has everything to do with remembering what I understood to be true last night: If I am doing poorly, Jesus is my only hope to rise up and have joy and life again. I must come to Him and ask and wait. If I am doing well, it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my abilities…Jesus is being merciful. Oh, be merciful again!
I wrote a song this week; here’s the first verse…
“Seems like I’m doing fine except when I’m not
I’m sure as I can be and then I can’t be sure at all
I can do anything except when I can’t
and when I can’t remember why, oh when I can’t remember why,
when I can’t remember why I should still try to try,
stay by my side.”
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Snow Days


Well, I’m sure it didn’t matter to anyone else, but I am bummed that I am not able to do my idea of writing everyday about winter! The past week I had no access to the computer but honestly, I was having a hard time being positive about winter as well! Just tired and stuff. Also, I am taking these beautiful pictures but can’t put them on my computer/blogs for awhile, so that sort of detracts from the fun of it. BUT…here I am today, and I will tell you I have missed writing. I need to write. For an introvert, it’s just the perfect form of communication.

So I guess my encouragement about winter today came from Jack. We have had about 4 snow days in the past 2 weeks, if I’m remembering correctly (which I may not be, to be honest, it’s been that kind of a week!) Selah mentioned that she didn’t get > go out and play in the snow several of those days, because “my mommy hates the cold!” Jack overheard her telling someone this, and he got sad because he loves going out there with her, but was working long hours those particular days.
So yesterday, they spent hours out there together. I don’t know what they do or how they stand it, but they had a wonderful time and Jack told me today, “It broke my heart to miss going out there to play with her. Snows don’t come that often, and I only have about ten good years with her where she is really going to want to go out there with me. I can do stuff like work anytime, but that’s special.” I love him. Being so deep and constant in the midst of this thing called a home life sometimes takes away my gratitude and awe for a while.
I have had a rough week but after this conversation, I felt different. Selah is only five, but she’s so much more mature than I expected at this age. I really value her company, even if she does toot on me and whine (loudly) when I get on the phone. I love the smell of her hair and the way her eyes look when she first gets up in the morning. And Yemi…oh Yemi. She is 2 1/2 going on 1. She’s hilarious, and while she’s a handful that I need a break from sometimes, that child is so unique and beautiful, and learning all kinds of sweet things from her sis. Today Selah hurt her toe and Yemi got on the floor and kissed it for her!
I love my life. I need help to not slip into certain problems in this life, like boredom (not like I don’t have enough to do, just sick of it) and seclusion (out of necessity due to sickness or snow or tired kids) and even depression (when I cannot seem to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, when I can’t remember HOW to do it with energy and joy).
So, enjoy the snow days…enjoy the hot chocolate…enjoy the 17 layers of clothes laid out to dry by your front door. We only have about 10 good years of it. And if you think that’s a long time, you’re a lot younger than me!!!
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What a Day

“Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!” Sorry to not have the reference to this scripture…it is downstairs in my room and I am up here, and after I tell you about my day, you will understand why that feels like such a long journey.

I have put in an honest day’s work today, like every one of you good mommas (and definitely daddies, too) out there. I feel like I put in several days in one today…
So let me tell you about my honest day’s work. Since I haven’t gotten to facebook lately, I will write it out in facebook status mode:
6 a.m. Thank you, Nannette, for waking me up to let me know Selah will be home today to drive me crazy, er, I mean, to play with.
6:30 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Nannette.
7 a.m. Sort of asleep again!
7:55 a.m. Thank you, Mother, for waking me up to let me know you’re not coming today to help keep me sane, er, I mean, help with the kids.
8:45 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Mother!
10 a.m. Worked out while the kids watch Sesame Street. Got new 10 lb handweights. Roar!
10:30 a.m. Stopped in the middle to clean Yemi’s potty and get jelly beans (for her). Yay Yemi!
10:55 a.m. Stopped again to clean Yemi’s potty and get jelly beans for her and Selah this time.
12 Made up a new game with Yemi…When she throws her veggie on the floor, she has to eat an extra one. Who wins this game? ME!
1:00 One minute, I’m cleaning the bathroom because company is coming over, and the next, I’m scooping poop out of the bathtub because Yemi…yeah. She did. Oh my gosh. So gross.
1:10 Put Yemi back in the tub and she looks up at me and says so sweetly, “Thank You, Momma.” She didn’t think she’d get to go back in.
1:30 Stepped both bare feet into Yemi’s puddle in her bedroom. Wonderful.
1:40 Played Uno with Selah.
2:00-4 Talked with the Lord and tried to close my eyes for a while. Sent Selah back upstairs twice.
5 Got the house completely beautiful for company.
5:35 Found out company was not coming because of the snow. Of course.
7 There was one single moment of silence. Just one. It was a healing time for me.
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The Solid Rock of Brotherhood

I am so glad that Jack started off our day today with Martin Luther King, Jr.’s speech (on TV). I just added (on TV) as an afterthought because I had this funny idea that you guys were thinking he woke us up quoting “I Have A Dream”. That would have been something!

But anyway, the whole family watched the speech and it was so stirring. I wanted to write a few comments about it, and there’s a link as well if you want to watch it.
*As we were watching Dr. King speak, Selah says, “Wow. He is really in love with Jesus!”
*I felt really shocked that it was only 50 years ago that such blatant and ridiculous injustice was practiced (and legal) in our country. What were they thinking? That was not that long ago.
*I liked the part of his speech about “I have a dream that little black boys and little black girls around the country will hold hands with little white boys and little white girls and live as brothers and sisters.” It makes me happy to see that in my home, and it makes me happy that my generation is stomping out old beliefs and prejudices that would feel that white people and black people can’t make a family together. I was like, “Preach, brother!!”
*Later today I was reminded (by a t-shirt I was wearing actually) that in ’63 when MLK made his speech, African-Americans were being oppressed, and in ’73 the oppression of the unborn began. Friends, it is the same thing. We are trying to make members of our society invisible, nameless, and voiceless…literally. We must stand for the rights of the unborn. Period.
*Lastly, I was proud of the “whites” who stood with the “blacks” during this time in history. There is something so precious about a safe and accepted person taking up the cause of those in danger, those rejected. It is so beautiful. I can’t remember what book I read or who said this, but it’s just the idea that “if you can’t have freedom, I certainly won’t either…I won’t enjoy mine, until you have your’s.” Oh, that is so Jesus. I want to be like that!
I wrote a song a while back called “To the End” and it’s going to be on my next CD…if there is a next CD. I want to share the chorus of it, because it is about this very thing. I wrote it during our adoption journey, but I wasn’t just talking about adoption at all. I was talking about abortion, modern day slavery, child trafficking, the persecuted church, or even people with cancer. I’m talking about standing for love and justice, with the oppressed, and making it your personal business to intervene in any way the Lord lets you.
“’cause when your morning comes, I wanna have fought for you all night
I wanna see you stare in wonder at the beauty of His might
and when your shouts of freedom echo all across the kingdom
I wanna stand and sing with you…I wanna be there, too…
This is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now to the end…”
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Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I remember one time my youth minister, Kerry, held my hand during prayer at a Bible Study (we were all holding hands, just fyi!) and he said, “Lyndsay, your hands are so cold, but you know what they say: ‘Cold hands, warm heart, you must be in love.'” I was. But that had nothing to do it, and that is the weirdest statement in the free world.

I don’t like cold hands, because by now, this far into winter, they’re cracked and horrid, especially if I dare to do dishes without gloves…and I don’t own gloves, so…
But today Jack darling sent me a cool link, and I shall share it with you, fellow-wanna-be-hibernators!
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It’s Electric, Boogie Woogie…and Abiding in Christ


So yesterday I couldn’t blog, and today when I tried, the internet wasn’t working (is this Africa or what, people?), and tonight here I am with Jack’s computer on and I am 48 minutes late for bedtime. Needless to say, I’ll be writing quick. It’s not that I’m bursting with such inspiration about winter, I will tell you that much. It is so freezing cold outside and staticky inside; my skin is dry and I haven’t lost the goosebumps long enough to have a chance to shave my legs in…well, TMI.

About winter, I can say this: It is so uncomfortable that it makes the smallest things, for me anyway, so blissful. It’s like a big glass of ice water on a 100 degree day in July…just blissful. Well, today I accidentally left my electric blanket on while we were at church and then when I came home, I crawled into bed and…rapture!!! It’s the little things, you know?
There really are many things I would like to blog about right now. From big to small, mainly small. I’m feeling a little distant and distracted from my own heart, and it does help me to write about it. It’s weird–and I’m saying this so honestly because I think it may be poignant to you as well, maybe–that distance and distraction from myself, from the Lord, from stillness, is a warning. It’s an important warning…It’s like before I even get myself involved in something that is going to take some of my attention, thoughts, focus, etc, I begin to feel this warning. It’s an alarm that says, “If just thinking about this is taking you away from what the Lord told you to be thinking about, then the thing itself is definitely off limits for now.”
I realize I’m being vague, but I just am having these thoughts roll around in my mind. It’s hard to stay still. I do get ideas of things I want to do. They aren’t super important like they would have been to me in the past, but they are cool ideas that I would enjoy and maybe are the Lord’s will. And just as a disclaimer, I need to say that they could be, in a different season, exactly what God wants me thinking about and working out the details of. But as this year began, my heart was set on one thing, just rolling over from 2010, I want to learn how to truly dwell with the Lord. I know that doesn’t mean sitting literally with my Bible open all day, because He has given me things to take care of; I am learning how dwelling with Him has a lot to do with my heart, soul, mind, and strength…what I care most about deep down, my motives, my desires, what I want in the end, what I put my time, energy, and thoughts into all day, what makes me feel complete or successful. Literally, what am I thinking about all day? What am I trying to figure out or fix or work out? The answer tells me what I love, maybe even what I worship. I want Jesus in this place.
Well, anyway, I just feel a warning and I want to heed it. With the free time of my mind, with the free time of my day (so precious little there is), am I free to do what I want? With my will turned toward Him, regardless of how I feel and the lazy choices I may make, I’m really not free to do what I want IF I want Him in the way I say I want Him. I say about God, “Oh, He doesn’t want anything from me. Such relief, such freedom to just be and not have to perform and measure up!” And that is 100% true. Yet it is equally true, oh so unbelievably true, that He wants everything from me!! Not anything…yet everything.
We talked about this at church tonight; it’s so hard to put into words, this issue of abiding. John 15 describes it best, of course. But something that struck me as we were talking is that if I had to describe abiding in Christ, like my personal experience with this, I would talk about what had to go and get out of the way first, what space had to be made for Him. He will not abide with sin, we all know that; He will kindly work out those thorns, He will bring light to the darkness and overcome it. But maybe less realized, at least for me it was, is that He will not share space with all our self-focused obsessions, goals, demands of Him, self-consciousness, judgments, materialism, unforgiveness, even dreams sometimes if they are not surrendered (whatever it is we find ourselves longing for and daydreaming about); He won’t share mental and emotional space with other lovers, so it begs us to begin clearing out what our mind and heart are set on all of our waking hours. Is there room for Him to abide? Is there room for scripture, or His beauty and characteristics, or Him talking with you or is it very packed with to-do lists, goals you’ve set for yourself that keep you going, etc? I don’t know. It’s different for everybody, but one thing I am pretty sure most American Christians have in common is that they aren’t careful in the planning of their days, meaning they don’t plan their time and energy around making space for the Lord to commune with them. Sickness and kids and a few other things led me to a quieter, smaller life, and when I spend time with women I thought they would think my life was kind of less, kind of pitiful, kind of lazy or defeated even because I’m not “doing” anything besides taking care of me, my family, and knowing Jesus. But instead, I sense that they kind of wish they could leave it all behind like I did. They can.
Maybe this new year could start off with the journey of housecleaning…If you’re like me, you’re like, “Okay, let’s do that right now. I want to do it once and walk on.” But it doesn’t work that way. It is a constant thing of going, “What was I just thinking about and why?” or “What did I just get upset about and why?” Then, inwardly turning back to the Lord in communion with Him. This is not a witch hunt, we’re not going inside looking for stuff to be condemned about! This is taking the words “I desire to abide in the Lord with my heart and mind more” and making it a practice and a discipline. We’re going deeper and growing more mature through this, and in the meantime, realizing how we are absolutely just at the beginning! Yes, friends, this is elementary, and yet it is the sum total. It’s not a means to an end, it is the end. This is a huge challenge…so much to grasp of the Lord!! He is so good, and He rewards those who diligently seek Him, just to know Him and nothing more.
He also rewards those who don’t go to bed this late. Yikes! Goodnight! Thanks for reading.
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Everybody Has Those Days…

…I just have more of them. I have been so tired this week! Along with that comes such a lack of mojo. Gee whiz. I can hardly stand myself. Although the winter is part of it, I certainly can’t force full responsibility on it. It’s actually been gorgeous outside. If it’s going to be cold, at least it’s beautiful! In the midst of my lack, I thank God for the unmerited favor and unconditional love He has for me. I receive it. I take it. I’m hungry and thirsty for it, and can’t live without it. Grace. I wrote a song a long time ago that says, “I am just a beggar really, arms outstretched…for one more handout, one more chance, one more anything.”

Last night Jack and I listened to Misty Edwards preach on ihop.org, and she was talking about how our minds are so full, so active, always thinking about what someone said or what we said, or the future…it’s like a movie going on and on. And she said God made us like that on purpose and that very space was fashioned for Him to dwell with us. We are used to filling it with a million other things, and sometimes that’s appropriate obviously to think through other things, but how many hours could our minds be focused on the Lord each day when it’s just going to be running anyway? Misty said she hopes someday her daydreams are about Jesus. Me, too! That’s my new hope, anyway. 🙂
Last night, after listening to this, I was trying to spend time with my mind focused on Jesus, and found myself praying for everybody and everything instead, then eventually distracted completely and thinking about myself. So, I’ve compiled a list to help myself train my mind in this. Here are some sort of tangible things I can set my mind on:
*Scriptures: Right now, I have a goal to read Song of Solomon, Proverbs, John, and Revelation 12 times this year. I can meditate on a small line of scripture, taking one word at a time. Or I can take a line and picture it; whatever I think the outcome could be, just visualize the story, image, etc. and dwell on the beauty.
*Worship: Make lists of the attributes and characteristics of God in my mind. Make up short meditative songs, like little mantras. It’s amazing how truth becomes alive when you do this! It can be the smallest thing, like “Jesus loves me”. Sing to Him, especially songs that are straight to Him and magnify Him!
*Promises/Words: Think about times God has spoken to me, helped me, healed me, given me a word of encouragement, or sent something to me at just the right time. We call these things to mind, as the Bible says, therefore we have hope. How neat to have a smile on your face because you’re secretly adoring Jesus.
He wants our mind, and that requires discipline. As I’m reading in Proverbs, discipline is a fruit of wisdom, and that means it is a reward! It is a gooooooood thing. It is a gift. One prayer I really need to get back to praying (137 x a day if need be) is, “Lord, help me love wisdom. Help me desire what is right, good, and wise, because on my own, I am the opposite. I am lazy and rebellious. Only You can change me!” Setting our minds on things above…wherever, whenever, it’s Heaven practice.
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Butt-Grab Chili

(Yemi made this at library class.)

Hee hee. Yes, “Butt-Grab Chili” is exactly what I meant to write! I want to give you an awesome recipe for chili, and a funny story to go with. Today, we had this delicious meal along with some cheese, crackers, and broccoli. Wish I had a picture. I do have a picture actually; however, something most usually goes wrong between me and technology that disables me from appearing as cool and blogalicious as I would like to be. 🙂

Here’s the recipe:
1 lb. of Laura’s lean ground beef, browned
1 minced onion, browned with the beef
1 can kidney beans
1 can chili beans
1 29 oz can tomato sauce
1 tbsp worchestire sauce
1 chili mix packet
Cook on low for about 40 minutes. YUM. The kids love it, beans and all.
And the story: We were having dinner with one of our favorite families in the world, the Henwoods, and Jeff and Mary told us the history of the chili they served us that night. They had been assigned to bring the chili to some church gathering, and Jeff thought he was the only supplier so he had brought a ton of it. Turns out it was a chili cook-off…But anyway, that’s not the funny part. Everyone was talking about how great his chili was, and this woman came up behind him and grabbed his butt! He whips around, somewhat expecting it to be Mary, but alas it was a mortified woman who had the wrong husband in mind…or hand, I should say. Jeff shaves his head, so we do have to be careful, those of us with bald hubbies. 🙂 Anyway, thus and therefore, the chili is forevermore called “butt-grab chili”. Enjoy this winter sensation!!
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Hmm…

So, today I was thinking, “What the heck can I say about winter today? It is cold and I am tired and wah, wah, wah!” I told my mother-in-law/mentor/great friend that there had better be at least 90 good things about winter because that’s how many days I committed to write about it. 🙂

A few good things about this frosty season came to mind, things I’ll write about in the next few days maybe, but the best part of my day was when I walked into my friend’s home for prayer group tonight. It had been a rough day for me. I just woke up exhausted, a very familiar feeling and of course one that I dread. I immediately started standing my ground against the enemy, got up, made a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and supplements, but about 1 hour later ended up next to Yemi watching Sesame Street. When I mustered up the strength to go get dressed, Yemi (who is just now talking, so every syllable is precious) says, “Mommy, get back in bed!” I was like, “Okay!!”
By God’s grace, we made it to the grocery, and I felt Him answer my prayers of “Lord, help me enjoy this.” He is only waiting to be asked!! I have learned this lesson!! I am dependent. I can’t care about anything unless He puts that care in me. Sad, but I’m done being depressed about my condition. I’m hopeless…and where I end, He begins. Really. It’s TRUE! So, I came home actually excited about the new things I had bought, stuff I hadn’t had in a while, like blue corn chips and Newman’s Own salsa with flaxseeds added.
But Jack come home and Selah came home, and all of a sudden I started to feel stressed and like I wanted to just escape. The kids were loud, and things were chaotic, and I didn’t feel good enough to get up and gain control over the rest of the schedule for the day. While I made dinner, I ate about 25 Hershey kisses. Not that that totally negates the fact that I lifted weights and ate so beautifully all day besides the kisses, but you know, that’s a bummer. Those moments when I “don’t care” are the reason why I am working so hard and not losing weight. That 10% of the time is practically canceling out the 90%.
I decided to go to worship at EHOP, and if you hadn’t heard about that yet, oh I would love to tell you. Will blog about it sometime. Best secret in town!! Then, I walked into my friend’s home for prayer group. It’s just 3 of us right now, but we know how to pray for each other, and it’s a great time to unwind and be known. The fireplace was lit and glowing (see, something you don’t get in the summer!); the family room was welcoming and warm. Sweet smiles and coming to the Lord together, sharing a lot of the same needs when you get right down to it, was a little oasis. God does want us to have an escape, an oasis…but He is a jealous God, and isn’t wanting to share His beloved with other “lovers”. He wants us to come and rest in Him, and with our siblings in Christ. When I make chocolate or movies or whatever my rest and relaxation, I think it’s like I’m putting off for another day the true rejuvenation I actually am being offered today by the Lord.
Now, chocolate and movies are a superb gift from God, don’t get me wrong. But I am stumbling upon something in my spirit when I see that God has something greater for me to escape to…