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The Why and The How

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it’s the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it’s all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, “Okay. Now You see I have put you there…in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You’re surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The “what” is answered; make sure you know the “why” (because you’ll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the “how” (again, you’ll be blessed.)
Parenting. I’m not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don’t have that kind of patience and calm…but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He’ll lead the way in regard to “what” I do…I used to care so much about the “what” that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn’t allow that option.
My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it’s what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.
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Something Screwy

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a “quiet time”. My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a “journaler”; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn’t in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, “We don’t have to have time with God; we get to have time with God.” That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, “You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?” Yes, I knew…but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already “so close”.
And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship…He wants me and I want Him…but there is no set way it has to be done. It’s just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.
He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What’s screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.
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What I’ve Been Up To

Gee whiz, it really has been a long time since my last blog. Thanks to an iPhone I’ve been borrowing (but not for much longer), I’ve been able to keep up with Facebook and Email…but I just cannot type on that thing for my typically long blogs. So, what has been going on? I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing the past couple of months, but I promise it isn’t anything exciting.

In March, I was pretty much convinced that winter was over and spring was coming in such a nice and concise way…December, January, and February it snowed like crazy just as it should in a picture perfect winter, and then voila, March came with some very nice temperatures and even the lovely allergies started up. I remember specifically thinking, “Wow, that was a nice winter, and it didn’t drag on!” But it was a major “sike”. Today, now at the end of April, I did put away our coats and mittens, so that was exciting! And only 5 weeks left of school. Surely it’ll be warm by then.
Also, in March, for some reason or another, I had a horrible time sleeping, which led to intensified symptoms of my sleep disorder and adrenal fatigue. Not cool. That’s partly why I both did not blog and can’t recall much of what happened the past 8 weeks! I remember Selah having her tonsils out (that’s when the sleep deprivation began!). I remember Spring Break, and our simple little Staycation which included the Zoo, Snappy Tomato, the Movies, Krispy Kreme, and lots of fun play days. Also, sometime around Spring Break I was bitten by the “Homeschooling Excitement Bug” and have been praying and researching that idea ever since. I am out of my mind, but I’ve also been bit by the “want to adopt another little girl” bug, but I doubt that one is going to work out quite as well.
Unfortunately, last week we had a little…issue. Yemi stuck a little fabric rose up her cute little nose, and it took 3 days and 3 doctors to get it out. The saga ended with, no kidding, the whole staff at Wolf and Yun singing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” to Yemi to keep her calm during the procedure. I truly hope this child has learned her lesson! I hope this phase with her ends soon, I have to say. She is so unpredictable and mischievious. Funny, but a little scary, too. I have decided that for the next month we are keeping to a really calm and regular schedule, no weekends with grandmas or special things. Sometimes we love giving our kids special surprises a little too much…I see them getting a little grabby and I don’t like it. So, I started a sticker chart to help reinforce good behavior and it is making a big difference already.
Jack will start a new job in about a week. I hope it will be a good fit. We are loving Open House, our church that was planted by the Bridge Community. We meet on Saturday nights and it is extremely laid back, both very important for me and my fam. Even though I’m not doing much with music right now, it’s a comfortable enough setting that I love leading worship there sometimes. I hadn’t done that in YEARS. I love how deep the discussions go, too; no fluff here. Definitely let me know if you’d like to check it out.
Well, sorry I didn’t have anything very deep to write about. I actually DO, my heart is so full of all God is teaching and how He is moving in me and my home!!! Good Friday was very meaningful (the storms and darkness only added to my thoughts all day), today’s home worship time was amazing, and tomorrow…my favorite day of the year…I pray for more depth of understanding how Jesus’ resurrection should absolutely breathe new life, joy, and hope into every moment of my day, every day.
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Quilts On Sale Now Through End of May!

Super Spring Sale!
These are just a few of the quilts we are selling for New Hope for Cambodian Children. This ministry helps HIV+ widows by giving them employment (quilt making is part of that project), ARV medications, healthy meals, and education for their children. Right now, we are taking the price of large quilts down from $100 to $70, and the price of the baby quilts will go from $50 to $35. Free Shipping. These make meaningful and literally life giving Mother’s Day and Baby Shower Gifts. Each quilt comes with information about the ministry and the quilter herself. To see ALL the quilts, click on my facebook album link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=404180&id=639925320&l=5c792ecbba





Please please please contact me if you are interested or have questions about a quilt. You can email me at lyndsaytaylor@mac.com, find me on Facebook, or respond to this blog. Thank you!

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Some Girls

“She thinks she is never enough.

Even if she looked at her accomplishments, relationships, experiences, the love she has given and received, things she has created, thoughts and songs and lessons she has put out into the world, and the places she has lived and learned…she would still feel it is not enough.
What would it take for her to feel like a “real” anything? A real writer, a real missionary, a real musician, a real you fill in the blank.
I know the secret.
How can she be the most thriving and alive woman she can be? How can she live life in this confusing world to the fullest?
She should not look for herself or look at herself or try to get others to look either. What matters about her is one thing. One identity alone defines and illuminates her for all time. Other identities are a shadow in comparison, only one is vital…
She is accepted in the Beloved. She is known, deeply, by the Lord. She is on a journey down that aisle to the One who loved her even unto death, Jesus. She can go as deep and as far into this relationship as she dares to go, but she cannot have two masters. She cannot serve the world and all it wants her to be if she is going to pursue Him. She can’t care about both, not in her heart of hearts which reflects in her daily life, thoughts, desires, and actions.
She thinks she is never enough, but she chose to not be. She glories in the choice she made, to let go of the pursuits that promised to satisfy her hunger. It is simple and it is not applauded, but she will be ready on that Day.”
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March 26th, How I Feel Today

Wow, it has been a WEEK. A week that felt like a month!

The Lord has really sustained me as I have lost a lot of sleep the past 2 weeks during Selah’s surgery/recovery and Jack being out of town. Several times, I have definitely felt low. But several prayer times, several conversations, and several just sweet moments have literally lifted me back to my feet again. I don’t know exactly what my motivation is in writing this blog today, but I want to share my health situation with anyone reading. So many times I’ve just known this basic fact: Because I look well when people see me, they really don’t know what is going on most of the time. There is NO ONE breathing down my neck about it, and I don’t feel like there is, but I just want people to know…yet I don’t want to bring it up and talk about it all the time either.
So here’s the deal. For ten years, since living in Africa (after some major sicknesses/surgery there), I have been living “half-mast”. I cannot keep a full time job; I cannot even keep a part time job. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to, and that I can focus on my family, health, and walk with God because when you have to conserve energy, you learn to do first things first. You really learn to prioritize. My symptoms and energy level are off and on. Sometimes I feel too bad to do anything for a few hours a day and then feel good a few hours in that same day. It was great to find out (after 9 years of no information) that I have “Chronic Adrenal Fatigue” or hypoadrenia; also, I’ve known for about 8 years that I have a sleep disorder “ideopathic Hypersomnia”.
In understanding these disorders, it has been a relief to know I’m not crazy or the first one to have this exact set of symptoms (which is basically just exhaustion and needing 12 solid hours of sleep every night to feel well). If you want to know how I feel, just think back to a time when you pulled an “all-nighter” or were jet lagged. You couldn’t think straight, had a headache or maybe stomach yuckiness because of the sleep deprivation, didn’t feel like doing anything but putting your head face down in a pillow. If you’ve ever done this for days at a time, you start to also feel jittery and your immune and nervous systems plummet and you’re scared to even drive a car because you really don’t know if you’re “with it” enough. Okay. That’s how I feel. That’s why for the past 2 years, I have learned to just say no to pretty much everything I’ve been asked to do, especially if it was in the morning.
Good news though, it was awesome to find out what I could do about the adrenal fatigue. I’m one year into treatment. I am definitely better, as long as I do everything in the book. Sometimes though, no matter how I eat, or what supplements I take, or how I have improved a myriad of things in my lifestyle, I still feel this way. The sleep disorder I cannot do anything else about, but pray. Right now I feel like the sleep disorder is the real problem and I’m considering going back for another sleep test. I take natural supplements and thankfully am off all prescriptions; but even though I sleep well, I still need 12 hours a night. I have slept 10-14 hours almost every night for a year, and it’s not “working itself out.” I’m not catching up.
Lately, I admit, I have felt a real despair about this. I was content and had adjusted my life around my bedtime, wake up time, nap time..just very, very limited, very structured, no room for anything or anyone else because I had to do these things for myself. But I guess I started to feel frustrated that I was in my bed 14 hours a day! I wanted to be able to meet with some girls who were looking for a mentor, I wanted to be able to sing again, I wanted to get out and do normal things like take my daughter to school in the morning. And maybe I can do some of those things, but it’s so hard to work around these disorders!!! Ultimately I’ve learned the happy truth that my life is GOD’S life and He can do whatever He wants with it. I genuinely mean that. If my life is for Him, then I won’t be worried if I can’t do everything I want to do…I can trust if He wanted me to do it, He’d provide what I need. If He wants me to exist on a better level than this, He will bring me through a healing process. And that is what I am asking for, that’s what I’ve been asking for for 10 years.
Sometimes it is very frustrating for someone to say, “Jesus healed everyone He met, so it is always His will to heal.” I agree that He loves to heal, but I know that He has been molding me during this time–honestly everything I have learned, great decisions/priorities I have chosen in the past few years, changes in my character–none of that would have happened without this sickness. It had purpose, and maybe it has more purpose. (If it has no more purpose, oh sweet Jesus, either heal me or bring me Home!) I like the idea that God wants us all fully functioning at our highest and happiest level, fully alive, just achieving like crazy for His Name. But I don’t know. Here’s what I do know: We are here to be transformed, to be made ready for the Wedding Day when Jesus gets His Bride, the Church. We’re getting ready to meet Him face to face, that’s what every minute of every day of our lives is about, whether we want it to be about that or not. In sickness or in health, whatever He chooses for me, I know I am going through the exact process He wants me in for His glory and for our eternity together.
I am filled with hope just in writing the end of this blog! I hope it encourages you in whatever trials God has chosen for your life. I wrote a blog in the past about suffering so I won’t re-write, but there are different sources of those trials and it’s important to decipher in order to not stay in an unnecessary wilderness. But if you are walking with God, remember He will raise a path in your wilderness, regardless of what it looks like in the flesh, we are alive in the Spirit! Thanks for letting me share, and for your understanding through the years. Hopefully this blog helped you understand a little more. 🙂
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Raising A Generation…

I have been wanting to write on this topic for awhile, and tonight I feel like I might have the words to say.

Tonight, I went to a worship and prayer service, and on the very front row were two little girls. I had seen them at church before, and I know they are children in the foster care system. They are about 3 and 4 years old, and they’ve been staying with a particular couple off and on for months. Those little girls were completely worshipping the Lord. No adult was helping them or telling them what to do, but they were looking up to the Lord, singing, arms raised. One of them was holding a baby with one arm, while the other was raised up in praise. For over an hour. It was a beautiful sight. One day, sooner or later, these girls will go back to their home, and they will take something new with them. Something more than clothes and education and a few fun memories of a stable family life. Even at this young age, especially at this young age, they can start their story with Jesus.
And I am so challenged. I know we don’t get to choose the ministry we commit our lives or a season of our lives to; I have learned that lesson, and want to make it clear that we don’t go out and help someone out of compulsion. We don’t just jump on board a good idea; we serve with the strength God provides and He provides a different kind of strength, a different avenue of obedience for each of us. But for many of us, I wonder if the Lord wants to heal a broken system (the family) using the Church, and I wonder if that is part of us showing the world what His Kingdom looks like, and lastly I wonder if possibly we haven’t even ASKED Him if there is another way He would want to build our families…
Many of us have this great hope, this beautiful picture, of our little sons and daughters, and we value our job of raising them in the admonition of the Lord. We want to raise them to be compassionate, generous, even sacrificial. We want to teach them how to hear the Lord and know Him well. Perhaps, and I do genuinely mean perhaps because I do not know, perhaps He is calling us to do this great job of raising children in the Lord, but not necessarily biological children. This is hard, but truth: We aren’t entitled to children. As bondservants of the Lord Jesus, our money, home, decisions, even our bodies, are for Him, not for us. So just as every other part of our life, we don’t have this innate right to ourselves and to our wants. Just because we have the ability to have a bunch of kids, I’m not sure that necessarily means that is what the Lord is calling us to do, for His glory and His ultimate purpose. (It might be though! For sure, it is between a couple and the Lord!) My point is that we must surrender it to Him; we must make sure we are not holding this picture perfect idea of “Our Family” an arms length away from Him. Honestly, learning this lesson is pretty vital for survival whether you “build your family outside the box” or not. Our kids will disappoint us sometimes and we will suffer deeply if we are not holding them loosely, knowing our God-given role of raising them as an act of obedience regardless of the outcome.
I personally get afraid of getting in over my head. I have done some radical and sacrificial things in my life, and I feel sometimes like I’ve suffered for it instead of being blessed. But I did what I believed God was saying to do, personally to me, and regardless of my suffering, I believe He was blessed and honored by my faith. He says we are blessed if we suffer for doing good. I don’t think in the end we will ever truly be sorry for giving, loving, and suffering when it is a direct consequence of personal obedience, even if in the flesh it looks like it wasn’t a good idea.
Fostering and adopting absolutely means opening your front door to suffering. But have you ever asked God to take you some place where you can help others in need? Have you ever felt the desire to serve somewhere difficult, knowing that is where people need Jesus the most? You probably thought it would be a short term thing, right? Maybe it will be. But maybe not! Maybe He is giving the Church the grace and wisdom to claim for Him the next generation, through the gentleness of a mother and the patient direction of a father who loves the Lord. It may be a little more than we were planning to offer Him, to be honest. But I am challenged to offer Him my heart, my parenting, my years of child-rearing…my picture perfect Family.
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Selah’s Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy

We are on the third day of Selah’s recovery–and I’ve had way more ice cream that I intended.

On Thursday morning, we barely heard our alarm clocks wake us up at 5:06 a.m. and we were in the car by 5:15. I actually had slept in my clothes, jewelry, everything but my shoes, the night before. Yeah, mornings are not my forte. Selah was in a great mood. She is such an adventurous and positive person. The surgery center got us registered quickly and back in pre-op quickly as well. They gave her “silly juice”, which tasted bad, and about 20 minutes later she started to get a little tired. I thought it would be awful when they wheeled her back to surgery but it wasn’t. She told me today she remembers that they put warm blankets on her and had her blow into a mask, then she went to sleep. (The silly juice is supposed to take away their memory of the whole thing, but obviously it didn’t work.)
30 minutes later, the surgeon came to the waiting room to tell us everything went great and she was waking up in recovery. We went back there and stayed for about an hour and a half. Selah was upset and shivering, but I could tell she just wasn’t awake fully and her throat was dry. They put her on my lap in a recliner, she drank some juice, had a bit of a popsicle, and they put some medicine in her IV, which put her to sleep almost comically fast.
When she woke up, she was better, and we basically dressed her and put her in the car. She slept all the way home, and I held her juice in my hand the whole time so that she could sip whenever she needed it. The most important things I would tell any parents are: Never hold off on a dose of painkillers (don’t wait for them to need it), it’s fine to give Motrin 2 hours after every dose of painkillers, and dehydration is the biggest concern. They need at least 3 oz of liquid per hour, so if they sleep a few hours, they need about 9 oz to make up for it when they wake up.
Once we got home, this little girl was ready to watch Hannah Montana and eat popsicles, which she did all day. That night Jack and I both got up every four hours to give her meds and get her to drink juice. On Friday, she had another good day, but some tummy troubles. (I am wondering if it was the ice cream because today, Saturday, her stomach has been fine and she didn’t ask for any ice cream.) Today, she slept late and is still in bed watching shows. She’s enjoyed having a few visitors and getting some cards, flowers, and Princess-y crafts to do. I have truly enjoyed having mommy-daughter sleep-over time together. I happen to love watching Hannah Montana and snuggling in bed, and I don’t mind running upstairs for soup and popsicles every half hour either. 🙂
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It Is March

Wow. I just need a second to let it in sink in. It is March.
I have a lot of things I could blog about but today I just want to start off the week catching folks up with my life! Maybe it will ensure my clarity about it as well, that’s always nice. 😉
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First of all: God is good and I am enjoying this place of simple trust. Something wonderful happens when you truly believe that there are no problems between people, only problems between people and God (Martha Kilpatrick says this). Nothing can come to us outside of His allowance, so our issue needs to be taken up with Him, and He is more than willing to go there with us. I am learning more about carrying the cross with Him, learning about not loving my own life (and what I wanted out of life), and honestly, the big picture of why I’m here.
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Secondly: My health has been rough, and I’m still praying for healing as well as trying to stay on track to do the things that make me healthy. I found out about a new little treatment and going for it this week; I feel hopeful. Getting back off sugar is important, too, but I struggle with that because after a couple of weeks I usually start to think, “Why am I doing this? Moderation is okay..” But for someone with adrenal fatigue, sugar is the devil, and do we allow the devil in moderation? No.
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Thirdly: My family is so precious. They are loud and crazy, but we are in love. I feel a special calling to my husband right now, and so thankful for this chance to believe God with him. He is leaving his current employment and I am excited about what the future holds, but even more excited that God is reaching to him and drawing him close. That is my only true concern and prayer. Yemi is talking. A LOT. She has gone from saying, “Hold you” and “Rock me” to things like: “I want to go home, cuddle with daddy, and watch Dora.” She says, “I want to rock and read Hop on Pop.” In the morning, she says, “I want a jelly butter”, which means a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (for breakfast!). She saw Jack’s Bible laying out and she said, “I want to read Bible!” (I didn’t know she knew the difference between a Bible and other books.) Selah is doing so well in Kindergarten! She is well-loved, articulate, and excelling in reading, math, and overall kindness and love. She told me that when you are a Christian, “God gives you the energy to love.” It is obvious in her life. She is a unique little child of God, and I feel honored to be the mommy of these girls! She is having her tonsils and adenoids out on Thursday and I can tell she is really nervous about it. Pray for us if you think of it.
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On the outskirts of my life: We are a part of Open House, which is a gathering of believers on Saturday night here in E-town. We love it and are thankful for it. We have always (since I was a kid) journeyed in community on this path with Jesus, and love the people we are journeying with in this season. I led worship there one week and enjoyed that. I am making another CD with some friends, and am excited about the new songs. My hope is to do about 15 concerts, mainly in homes, in 2011. I am planning to start a Nutrition Support Group, where others who desire to be serious about this can come, learn, and keep each other strong.
I am still selling quilts for a ministry to widows with HIV in Cambodia and have a new idea that may possibly help get those sold…
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Spring is around the corner. The Lord’s return is, too. Let us be found burning, a strong flame for the right things. The Lord will tell you personally what the right things are for you. Above all, first and last, will be your intimate relationship with Him. Everything else, literally everything else, is temporary and not worthy of our everything.

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A Conversation

You can think I’m crazy when I say I have conversations with God, or you can believe me because you do, too. Either way is perfectly acceptable. Last night, I was honored to gather my super-talented friends around to start practicing for my next CD, and it is just completely taking me by surprise! We had a great time, worked through about five songs, and everyone was just incredible…but afterwards I told Jack, “It feels so weird to be doing this. I know God is making it happen, I just can’t understand why.”
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So I was about to go to bed, and the Lord said, “Why does it feel so weird that I am making this CD come together?” After thinking a lot about it, I thought, “I guess because You have taken away everything that was all about me, my identity and reputation and anything that I thought I was or could do…” And He so quickly replied, “Don’t worry, this CD is not about you either.” He’s not doing anything different or new…no, this is just a continuation. Now I will learn how to stay empty of my identity, reputation, and ability in the midst of “doing” things again that are a little more public.
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Not that I am ready, but I see how for the past few years God couldn’t allow me to do anything that felt like it was special, or an accomplishment, even a conversation with someone where I walked away feeling like I had helped them, because I still put too much priority on “doing things for Him.” He rescued me from that mentality and lifestyle. I thought to go back to “doing” anything (what we might think of as ministry or something with our name on it) would be returning to that shallow existence. My life is hidden in Christ though now, and there are no words to describe what that feels like, what that IS like. It’s amazing to be gloriously oblivious to success or failure because that is not my race. My race is to know Him, and I have no energy for any other! So I feel like I can enjoy this CD process, as long as it doesn’t get out of balance with my time with the Lord and my family and my health (which is so difficult right now again!) Can’t wait to share more about it, and let my little songs get out to someone who might be pointed to Jesus through them!