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March 26th, How I Feel Today

Wow, it has been a WEEK. A week that felt like a month!

The Lord has really sustained me as I have lost a lot of sleep the past 2 weeks during Selah’s surgery/recovery and Jack being out of town. Several times, I have definitely felt low. But several prayer times, several conversations, and several just sweet moments have literally lifted me back to my feet again. I don’t know exactly what my motivation is in writing this blog today, but I want to share my health situation with anyone reading. So many times I’ve just known this basic fact: Because I look well when people see me, they really don’t know what is going on most of the time. There is NO ONE breathing down my neck about it, and I don’t feel like there is, but I just want people to know…yet I don’t want to bring it up and talk about it all the time either.
So here’s the deal. For ten years, since living in Africa (after some major sicknesses/surgery there), I have been living “half-mast”. I cannot keep a full time job; I cannot even keep a part time job. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to, and that I can focus on my family, health, and walk with God because when you have to conserve energy, you learn to do first things first. You really learn to prioritize. My symptoms and energy level are off and on. Sometimes I feel too bad to do anything for a few hours a day and then feel good a few hours in that same day. It was great to find out (after 9 years of no information) that I have “Chronic Adrenal Fatigue” or hypoadrenia; also, I’ve known for about 8 years that I have a sleep disorder “ideopathic Hypersomnia”.
In understanding these disorders, it has been a relief to know I’m not crazy or the first one to have this exact set of symptoms (which is basically just exhaustion and needing 12 solid hours of sleep every night to feel well). If you want to know how I feel, just think back to a time when you pulled an “all-nighter” or were jet lagged. You couldn’t think straight, had a headache or maybe stomach yuckiness because of the sleep deprivation, didn’t feel like doing anything but putting your head face down in a pillow. If you’ve ever done this for days at a time, you start to also feel jittery and your immune and nervous systems plummet and you’re scared to even drive a car because you really don’t know if you’re “with it” enough. Okay. That’s how I feel. That’s why for the past 2 years, I have learned to just say no to pretty much everything I’ve been asked to do, especially if it was in the morning.
Good news though, it was awesome to find out what I could do about the adrenal fatigue. I’m one year into treatment. I am definitely better, as long as I do everything in the book. Sometimes though, no matter how I eat, or what supplements I take, or how I have improved a myriad of things in my lifestyle, I still feel this way. The sleep disorder I cannot do anything else about, but pray. Right now I feel like the sleep disorder is the real problem and I’m considering going back for another sleep test. I take natural supplements and thankfully am off all prescriptions; but even though I sleep well, I still need 12 hours a night. I have slept 10-14 hours almost every night for a year, and it’s not “working itself out.” I’m not catching up.
Lately, I admit, I have felt a real despair about this. I was content and had adjusted my life around my bedtime, wake up time, nap time..just very, very limited, very structured, no room for anything or anyone else because I had to do these things for myself. But I guess I started to feel frustrated that I was in my bed 14 hours a day! I wanted to be able to meet with some girls who were looking for a mentor, I wanted to be able to sing again, I wanted to get out and do normal things like take my daughter to school in the morning. And maybe I can do some of those things, but it’s so hard to work around these disorders!!! Ultimately I’ve learned the happy truth that my life is GOD’S life and He can do whatever He wants with it. I genuinely mean that. If my life is for Him, then I won’t be worried if I can’t do everything I want to do…I can trust if He wanted me to do it, He’d provide what I need. If He wants me to exist on a better level than this, He will bring me through a healing process. And that is what I am asking for, that’s what I’ve been asking for for 10 years.
Sometimes it is very frustrating for someone to say, “Jesus healed everyone He met, so it is always His will to heal.” I agree that He loves to heal, but I know that He has been molding me during this time–honestly everything I have learned, great decisions/priorities I have chosen in the past few years, changes in my character–none of that would have happened without this sickness. It had purpose, and maybe it has more purpose. (If it has no more purpose, oh sweet Jesus, either heal me or bring me Home!) I like the idea that God wants us all fully functioning at our highest and happiest level, fully alive, just achieving like crazy for His Name. But I don’t know. Here’s what I do know: We are here to be transformed, to be made ready for the Wedding Day when Jesus gets His Bride, the Church. We’re getting ready to meet Him face to face, that’s what every minute of every day of our lives is about, whether we want it to be about that or not. In sickness or in health, whatever He chooses for me, I know I am going through the exact process He wants me in for His glory and for our eternity together.
I am filled with hope just in writing the end of this blog! I hope it encourages you in whatever trials God has chosen for your life. I wrote a blog in the past about suffering so I won’t re-write, but there are different sources of those trials and it’s important to decipher in order to not stay in an unnecessary wilderness. But if you are walking with God, remember He will raise a path in your wilderness, regardless of what it looks like in the flesh, we are alive in the Spirit! Thanks for letting me share, and for your understanding through the years. Hopefully this blog helped you understand a little more. 🙂
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Raising A Generation…

I have been wanting to write on this topic for awhile, and tonight I feel like I might have the words to say.

Tonight, I went to a worship and prayer service, and on the very front row were two little girls. I had seen them at church before, and I know they are children in the foster care system. They are about 3 and 4 years old, and they’ve been staying with a particular couple off and on for months. Those little girls were completely worshipping the Lord. No adult was helping them or telling them what to do, but they were looking up to the Lord, singing, arms raised. One of them was holding a baby with one arm, while the other was raised up in praise. For over an hour. It was a beautiful sight. One day, sooner or later, these girls will go back to their home, and they will take something new with them. Something more than clothes and education and a few fun memories of a stable family life. Even at this young age, especially at this young age, they can start their story with Jesus.
And I am so challenged. I know we don’t get to choose the ministry we commit our lives or a season of our lives to; I have learned that lesson, and want to make it clear that we don’t go out and help someone out of compulsion. We don’t just jump on board a good idea; we serve with the strength God provides and He provides a different kind of strength, a different avenue of obedience for each of us. But for many of us, I wonder if the Lord wants to heal a broken system (the family) using the Church, and I wonder if that is part of us showing the world what His Kingdom looks like, and lastly I wonder if possibly we haven’t even ASKED Him if there is another way He would want to build our families…
Many of us have this great hope, this beautiful picture, of our little sons and daughters, and we value our job of raising them in the admonition of the Lord. We want to raise them to be compassionate, generous, even sacrificial. We want to teach them how to hear the Lord and know Him well. Perhaps, and I do genuinely mean perhaps because I do not know, perhaps He is calling us to do this great job of raising children in the Lord, but not necessarily biological children. This is hard, but truth: We aren’t entitled to children. As bondservants of the Lord Jesus, our money, home, decisions, even our bodies, are for Him, not for us. So just as every other part of our life, we don’t have this innate right to ourselves and to our wants. Just because we have the ability to have a bunch of kids, I’m not sure that necessarily means that is what the Lord is calling us to do, for His glory and His ultimate purpose. (It might be though! For sure, it is between a couple and the Lord!) My point is that we must surrender it to Him; we must make sure we are not holding this picture perfect idea of “Our Family” an arms length away from Him. Honestly, learning this lesson is pretty vital for survival whether you “build your family outside the box” or not. Our kids will disappoint us sometimes and we will suffer deeply if we are not holding them loosely, knowing our God-given role of raising them as an act of obedience regardless of the outcome.
I personally get afraid of getting in over my head. I have done some radical and sacrificial things in my life, and I feel sometimes like I’ve suffered for it instead of being blessed. But I did what I believed God was saying to do, personally to me, and regardless of my suffering, I believe He was blessed and honored by my faith. He says we are blessed if we suffer for doing good. I don’t think in the end we will ever truly be sorry for giving, loving, and suffering when it is a direct consequence of personal obedience, even if in the flesh it looks like it wasn’t a good idea.
Fostering and adopting absolutely means opening your front door to suffering. But have you ever asked God to take you some place where you can help others in need? Have you ever felt the desire to serve somewhere difficult, knowing that is where people need Jesus the most? You probably thought it would be a short term thing, right? Maybe it will be. But maybe not! Maybe He is giving the Church the grace and wisdom to claim for Him the next generation, through the gentleness of a mother and the patient direction of a father who loves the Lord. It may be a little more than we were planning to offer Him, to be honest. But I am challenged to offer Him my heart, my parenting, my years of child-rearing…my picture perfect Family.
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Selah’s Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy

We are on the third day of Selah’s recovery–and I’ve had way more ice cream that I intended.

On Thursday morning, we barely heard our alarm clocks wake us up at 5:06 a.m. and we were in the car by 5:15. I actually had slept in my clothes, jewelry, everything but my shoes, the night before. Yeah, mornings are not my forte. Selah was in a great mood. She is such an adventurous and positive person. The surgery center got us registered quickly and back in pre-op quickly as well. They gave her “silly juice”, which tasted bad, and about 20 minutes later she started to get a little tired. I thought it would be awful when they wheeled her back to surgery but it wasn’t. She told me today she remembers that they put warm blankets on her and had her blow into a mask, then she went to sleep. (The silly juice is supposed to take away their memory of the whole thing, but obviously it didn’t work.)
30 minutes later, the surgeon came to the waiting room to tell us everything went great and she was waking up in recovery. We went back there and stayed for about an hour and a half. Selah was upset and shivering, but I could tell she just wasn’t awake fully and her throat was dry. They put her on my lap in a recliner, she drank some juice, had a bit of a popsicle, and they put some medicine in her IV, which put her to sleep almost comically fast.
When she woke up, she was better, and we basically dressed her and put her in the car. She slept all the way home, and I held her juice in my hand the whole time so that she could sip whenever she needed it. The most important things I would tell any parents are: Never hold off on a dose of painkillers (don’t wait for them to need it), it’s fine to give Motrin 2 hours after every dose of painkillers, and dehydration is the biggest concern. They need at least 3 oz of liquid per hour, so if they sleep a few hours, they need about 9 oz to make up for it when they wake up.
Once we got home, this little girl was ready to watch Hannah Montana and eat popsicles, which she did all day. That night Jack and I both got up every four hours to give her meds and get her to drink juice. On Friday, she had another good day, but some tummy troubles. (I am wondering if it was the ice cream because today, Saturday, her stomach has been fine and she didn’t ask for any ice cream.) Today, she slept late and is still in bed watching shows. She’s enjoyed having a few visitors and getting some cards, flowers, and Princess-y crafts to do. I have truly enjoyed having mommy-daughter sleep-over time together. I happen to love watching Hannah Montana and snuggling in bed, and I don’t mind running upstairs for soup and popsicles every half hour either. 🙂
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It Is March

Wow. I just need a second to let it in sink in. It is March.
I have a lot of things I could blog about but today I just want to start off the week catching folks up with my life! Maybe it will ensure my clarity about it as well, that’s always nice. 😉
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First of all: God is good and I am enjoying this place of simple trust. Something wonderful happens when you truly believe that there are no problems between people, only problems between people and God (Martha Kilpatrick says this). Nothing can come to us outside of His allowance, so our issue needs to be taken up with Him, and He is more than willing to go there with us. I am learning more about carrying the cross with Him, learning about not loving my own life (and what I wanted out of life), and honestly, the big picture of why I’m here.
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Secondly: My health has been rough, and I’m still praying for healing as well as trying to stay on track to do the things that make me healthy. I found out about a new little treatment and going for it this week; I feel hopeful. Getting back off sugar is important, too, but I struggle with that because after a couple of weeks I usually start to think, “Why am I doing this? Moderation is okay..” But for someone with adrenal fatigue, sugar is the devil, and do we allow the devil in moderation? No.
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Thirdly: My family is so precious. They are loud and crazy, but we are in love. I feel a special calling to my husband right now, and so thankful for this chance to believe God with him. He is leaving his current employment and I am excited about what the future holds, but even more excited that God is reaching to him and drawing him close. That is my only true concern and prayer. Yemi is talking. A LOT. She has gone from saying, “Hold you” and “Rock me” to things like: “I want to go home, cuddle with daddy, and watch Dora.” She says, “I want to rock and read Hop on Pop.” In the morning, she says, “I want a jelly butter”, which means a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (for breakfast!). She saw Jack’s Bible laying out and she said, “I want to read Bible!” (I didn’t know she knew the difference between a Bible and other books.) Selah is doing so well in Kindergarten! She is well-loved, articulate, and excelling in reading, math, and overall kindness and love. She told me that when you are a Christian, “God gives you the energy to love.” It is obvious in her life. She is a unique little child of God, and I feel honored to be the mommy of these girls! She is having her tonsils and adenoids out on Thursday and I can tell she is really nervous about it. Pray for us if you think of it.
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On the outskirts of my life: We are a part of Open House, which is a gathering of believers on Saturday night here in E-town. We love it and are thankful for it. We have always (since I was a kid) journeyed in community on this path with Jesus, and love the people we are journeying with in this season. I led worship there one week and enjoyed that. I am making another CD with some friends, and am excited about the new songs. My hope is to do about 15 concerts, mainly in homes, in 2011. I am planning to start a Nutrition Support Group, where others who desire to be serious about this can come, learn, and keep each other strong.
I am still selling quilts for a ministry to widows with HIV in Cambodia and have a new idea that may possibly help get those sold…
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Spring is around the corner. The Lord’s return is, too. Let us be found burning, a strong flame for the right things. The Lord will tell you personally what the right things are for you. Above all, first and last, will be your intimate relationship with Him. Everything else, literally everything else, is temporary and not worthy of our everything.

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A Conversation

You can think I’m crazy when I say I have conversations with God, or you can believe me because you do, too. Either way is perfectly acceptable. Last night, I was honored to gather my super-talented friends around to start practicing for my next CD, and it is just completely taking me by surprise! We had a great time, worked through about five songs, and everyone was just incredible…but afterwards I told Jack, “It feels so weird to be doing this. I know God is making it happen, I just can’t understand why.”
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So I was about to go to bed, and the Lord said, “Why does it feel so weird that I am making this CD come together?” After thinking a lot about it, I thought, “I guess because You have taken away everything that was all about me, my identity and reputation and anything that I thought I was or could do…” And He so quickly replied, “Don’t worry, this CD is not about you either.” He’s not doing anything different or new…no, this is just a continuation. Now I will learn how to stay empty of my identity, reputation, and ability in the midst of “doing” things again that are a little more public.
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Not that I am ready, but I see how for the past few years God couldn’t allow me to do anything that felt like it was special, or an accomplishment, even a conversation with someone where I walked away feeling like I had helped them, because I still put too much priority on “doing things for Him.” He rescued me from that mentality and lifestyle. I thought to go back to “doing” anything (what we might think of as ministry or something with our name on it) would be returning to that shallow existence. My life is hidden in Christ though now, and there are no words to describe what that feels like, what that IS like. It’s amazing to be gloriously oblivious to success or failure because that is not my race. My race is to know Him, and I have no energy for any other! So I feel like I can enjoy this CD process, as long as it doesn’t get out of balance with my time with the Lord and my family and my health (which is so difficult right now again!) Can’t wait to share more about it, and let my little songs get out to someone who might be pointed to Jesus through them!

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Hope

Now that I am a “weekend blogger”, I think of things all week that I’d like to process here, but then when I sit down, I think, “What were those things?” So, regardless of what I may have been thinking about all week long, right now I am thinking about HOPE.

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Sara Groves has a song I love, not sure of the title, but the chorus goes like this: “Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it. You walk in a room and look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself it’s been a while since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope.”

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This song came on the other day when I was praying for someone I love, someone who needs to walk in a room and look out a window and see something that leaves them breathless. We all have to have hope, we have to. The enemy suggests to us that if we hope, we will just be disappointed, and we don’t want to go through that pain again, right? But we can’t stop there or we’ll just become so cold. Our hope can’t be in a plan or an idea or in any one thing, noble or not, that we think we must have or have happen; our hope must be in something, Someone, much more worthy of our hope. When we have lost hope in the Lord, as stark as it may sound, it is because we have expected Him to be something that He is not (or has not chosen to show about Himself YET if we are biblically sound in our hopes.)

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There are several statements I could make that describe what I think this time on earth is all about, and those beliefs get me through. One of those statements is: We are here to be given chances to believe, to hope, to grow a mature and simple faith through the difficulties of this short life. If our offering to the Lord is faith, and we know biblically that it is, then every crappy thing that comes our way can be seen as an opportunity to respond in blind, ridiculous, happy hope. Hope in getting a great job or getting perfectly healed or having no problems with our children? No. Hope in the Lord, His Word, His intrinsic goodness, and His personal love for us.

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I want to die a foolish person of hope, hanging on with a grin to this idea I have of Jesus: that He is waiting for me with open arms and there is nothing, not cancer, not bankruptcy, not any worst case scenario to be imagined, that can change that fact. Our family is and has been facing suffering; there are so many questions, but I am helped by Lamentations 3…

“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return.” Lamentations 3 (The Message)

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1 Corinthians 3

It is so cool how meditating on a passage of Scripture for a long time really does bring new life and understanding. I used to think “a long time” was like…um…five minutes? I have always been a “quantity” reader of the Word (so sad), but that comes from my student mentality probably. Check things off the list, get a star on your chart, etc. That was me.

But not too awful long ago, as the Lord has changed me from the inside out, one of the new things that has happened is I am reading the same thing over and over and just honestly telling God that I have no clue what He meant by what He said. And not moving on, just hanging in there for a while, knowing I won’t get it unless He helps me. And like a month later, I’ll be folding clothes or driving down the road and the Lord will direct my mind to an understanding, an unfolding, of something in that passage I had never noticed or “gotten” before. How neat. Thanks God.

Well, for about 3 weeks I have been reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 3, and honestly it was just because I was supposed to offer a tiny little insight on it at church (Open House). So…the main points of it are that the foundation of our faith is Jesus, the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and leaders of the church are all equal so don’t worry too much about who you follow, they are just all building on the foundation of Christ. What is crying out to me about this passage is: humility! I have tried so many times to impress God and be a model “student” for Him, you know? I remember one time not long ago, I said (in my true desire for holiness, but still thinking I could somewhat attain to it on my own), “God, I want to be transformed to be like Jesus!!” And He spoke so clearly. He said, “No, you don’t. You want to be independent of Me.”

That was so eye-opening. He knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to be perfect and holy so that I wouldn’t need to be dependent on Him. I wanted that power and ability, and He is looking for humility instead–people who know they have no good in them without absolute dependency on His grace and relationship. The foundation of our faith is Jesus, grace, the blood, the cross; we can’t escape it. It is foolishness in the world’s eyes, it takes humility to believe it, but that doesn’t make it any less true. As I was thinking about this passage, the Lord also brought to mind how vital it is for leaders in the church to remember this foundation…are we used to thinking we have to look strong? Have we forgotten the weakness that God uses to shame the strong? Why are we often drawn to thinking success in church/ministry should look like success in the world/business?

There is a lot more that I am learning from this passage, but I need to go to bed…I don’t even know if any of this made sense, as Jack had the TV on and is coughing really loud and driving me CRAZY! LOL:) But, I just wanted to write. Good night, friends! Have a wonderful weekend!

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Hi Friends!

Well, we had a nice little “psych” from Spring yesterday, didn’t we? I had a funny response to it. As thrilled as I was to go outside without socks or a coat on, I thought to myself, “wow, I haven’t even made a couple of those soup recipes yet and it’s already getting warm!” Not that I was complaining…I just have to admit that thought ran through my mind. The sunshine was good for my soul, and then of course it was pretty much a normal blustery winter again today. It has been a very, um, interesting month and a half since Christmas. It feels like a year and a half since Christmas to me. Everyone in my family has been sick twice, and I’ve been the healthiest one of all as opposed to several winters past. Yay for good nutrition, supplements, and getting as much rest as humanly (and motherly) possible.

I have missed writing, blogging, etc, but at the same time it has sort of been nice to not have a computer and not feel responsible to do the things one does when they have a computer at their constant disposal (that can’t be the right word…disposal? That makes no sense. I don’t know.) Anyway, I have felt more focused at times without Facebook and blogging available to me; yet it is a balance, an important balance, because all work and no play makes Jack’s wife a dull girl.

My mind has been on a lot of things in the past 2 months while I haven’t been sharing much out loud. I am embracing my calling as wife and mom in a deeper way, and relying 100% on the Lord for what I need to do that. I am sitting in a place where I can receive grace (meaning, I really know I need it). I am literally reveling in the Lord and smiling at the way He sees more, which leads to more worship, more intimacy, more strength, more joy. I can tell people are praying seriously for me, and I am so grateful. I’m seeing the Lord open a couple of doors for me to sing again, and the best part is, I know I can completely be myself and offer what small gift I have to offer and not look back wondering if I was good enough or deep enough or not too whatever. I had felt free in the past, but somehow in my serious issues with church/ministry I had lost that freedom. I am free again because the Lord is teaching me how unimportant I truly am in the whole thing…What a concept. It’s wonderful. I really can “just be.”

Hope to be back again to blog soon, because I have a couple things to write about…but we’ll see! Blessings-

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Nutrition Group!?!

I am really excited about an idea…

And it feels do-able…

So here’s the details:

 

Over the past couple of years, I have come across a good bit of pretty life-changing information about food. When you have kids, you typically start looking into the health of what they’re eating (since they eat so much and so often!), plus I wanted to lose weight, plus I was dealing with fatigue, insomnia, and just illness in general. As stones were turned over and I put things in practice, I began to see long term change in each of these areas. Now, the real issue is do I follow all the good advice and do all I should now that I know what I know? Unfortunately, I can’t always say I do…but when I do, I absolutely see results and I know that if I can see results on the outside, then there are definitely results on the inside. (Plus, blood tests have proved it anyway.)

 

So, what I want to do is start a nutrition class/support group, and share what I have learned (and am still learning!) I want to cover what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and the biggest thing: the why behind it all. I want to talk about issues like good fats that you need to cook with/eat vs. ingredients that you should really never put in your body. I’d also like to talk about weight loss stuff (I’m always drawn to this topic because it’s always been an issue for me) and using food, supplements, and natural medicine to deal with many illnesses that especially women deal with. After the “teaching” time is done, (maybe four sessions) we could continue to see each other once a month just for support. I could personally use that. It is hard to stay on the straight and narrow!!!

 

I do sometimes wonder if everyone else already knows this information and I was the slow one…If that is the case, we can at least be a support group for each other even if no one learns anything new!

If you read this blog and are interested in joining the group, respond by answering some of these questions:

*Would you rather come to a one-time seminar or 4 meetings (once a week for a month)?

*Would you be interested in continuing as a support group for a few months after the teaching?

*Would you want to come mornings or evenings?

 

*Would you like to be notified when I write a nutrition blog?

Thanks! I really believe there is a lot of unnecessary suffering–sometimes even in things as serious as insomnia, depression, fatigue, diabetes, obesity–due to lack of knowledge. I have SO much to learn and what I have learned, I want to share!