You can think I’m crazy when I say I have conversations with God, or you can believe me because you do, too. Either way is perfectly acceptable. Last night, I was honored to gather my super-talented friends around to start practicing for my next CD, and it is just completely taking me by surprise! We had a great time, worked through about five songs, and everyone was just incredible…but afterwards I told Jack, “It feels so weird to be doing this. I know God is making it happen, I just can’t understand why.”
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So I was about to go to bed, and the Lord said, “Why does it feel so weird that I am making this CD come together?” After thinking a lot about it, I thought, “I guess because You have taken away everything that was all about me, my identity and reputation and anything that I thought I was or could do…” And He so quickly replied, “Don’t worry, this CD is not about you either.” He’s not doing anything different or new…no, this is just a continuation. Now I will learn how to stay empty of my identity, reputation, and ability in the midst of “doing” things again that are a little more public.
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Not that I am ready, but I see how for the past few years God couldn’t allow me to do anything that felt like it was special, or an accomplishment, even a conversation with someone where I walked away feeling like I had helped them, because I still put too much priority on “doing things for Him.” He rescued me from that mentality and lifestyle. I thought to go back to “doing” anything (what we might think of as ministry or something with our name on it) would be returning to that shallow existence. My life is hidden in Christ though now, and there are no words to describe what that feels like, what that IS like. It’s amazing to be gloriously oblivious to success or failure because that is not my race. My race is to know Him, and I have no energy for any other! So I feel like I can enjoy this CD process, as long as it doesn’t get out of balance with my time with the Lord and my family and my health (which is so difficult right now again!) Can’t wait to share more about it, and let my little songs get out to someone who might be pointed to Jesus through them!
Hope
Now that I am a “weekend blogger”, I think of things all week that I’d like to process here, but then when I sit down, I think, “What were those things?” So, regardless of what I may have been thinking about all week long, right now I am thinking about HOPE.
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Sara Groves has a song I love, not sure of the title, but the chorus goes like this: “Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it. You walk in a room and look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself it’s been a while since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope.”
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This song came on the other day when I was praying for someone I love, someone who needs to walk in a room and look out a window and see something that leaves them breathless. We all have to have hope, we have to. The enemy suggests to us that if we hope, we will just be disappointed, and we don’t want to go through that pain again, right? But we can’t stop there or we’ll just become so cold. Our hope can’t be in a plan or an idea or in any one thing, noble or not, that we think we must have or have happen; our hope must be in something, Someone, much more worthy of our hope. When we have lost hope in the Lord, as stark as it may sound, it is because we have expected Him to be something that He is not (or has not chosen to show about Himself YET if we are biblically sound in our hopes.)
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There are several statements I could make that describe what I think this time on earth is all about, and those beliefs get me through. One of those statements is: We are here to be given chances to believe, to hope, to grow a mature and simple faith through the difficulties of this short life. If our offering to the Lord is faith, and we know biblically that it is, then every crappy thing that comes our way can be seen as an opportunity to respond in blind, ridiculous, happy hope. Hope in getting a great job or getting perfectly healed or having no problems with our children? No. Hope in the Lord, His Word, His intrinsic goodness, and His personal love for us.
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I want to die a foolish person of hope, hanging on with a grin to this idea I have of Jesus: that He is waiting for me with open arms and there is nothing, not cancer, not bankruptcy, not any worst case scenario to be imagined, that can change that fact. Our family is and has been facing suffering; there are so many questions, but I am helped by Lamentations 3…
“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return.” Lamentations 3 (The Message)
1 Corinthians 3
It is so cool how meditating on a passage of Scripture for a long time really does bring new life and understanding. I used to think “a long time” was like…um…five minutes? I have always been a “quantity” reader of the Word (so sad), but that comes from my student mentality probably. Check things off the list, get a star on your chart, etc. That was me.
But not too awful long ago, as the Lord has changed me from the inside out, one of the new things that has happened is I am reading the same thing over and over and just honestly telling God that I have no clue what He meant by what He said. And not moving on, just hanging in there for a while, knowing I won’t get it unless He helps me. And like a month later, I’ll be folding clothes or driving down the road and the Lord will direct my mind to an understanding, an unfolding, of something in that passage I had never noticed or “gotten” before. How neat. Thanks God.
Well, for about 3 weeks I have been reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 3, and honestly it was just because I was supposed to offer a tiny little insight on it at church (Open House). So…the main points of it are that the foundation of our faith is Jesus, the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and leaders of the church are all equal so don’t worry too much about who you follow, they are just all building on the foundation of Christ. What is crying out to me about this passage is: humility! I have tried so many times to impress God and be a model “student” for Him, you know? I remember one time not long ago, I said (in my true desire for holiness, but still thinking I could somewhat attain to it on my own), “God, I want to be transformed to be like Jesus!!” And He spoke so clearly. He said, “No, you don’t. You want to be independent of Me.”
That was so eye-opening. He knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to be perfect and holy so that I wouldn’t need to be dependent on Him. I wanted that power and ability, and He is looking for humility instead–people who know they have no good in them without absolute dependency on His grace and relationship. The foundation of our faith is Jesus, grace, the blood, the cross; we can’t escape it. It is foolishness in the world’s eyes, it takes humility to believe it, but that doesn’t make it any less true. As I was thinking about this passage, the Lord also brought to mind how vital it is for leaders in the church to remember this foundation…are we used to thinking we have to look strong? Have we forgotten the weakness that God uses to shame the strong? Why are we often drawn to thinking success in church/ministry should look like success in the world/business?
There is a lot more that I am learning from this passage, but I need to go to bed…I don’t even know if any of this made sense, as Jack had the TV on and is coughing really loud and driving me CRAZY! LOL:) But, I just wanted to write. Good night, friends! Have a wonderful weekend!
Hi Friends!
Well, we had a nice little “psych” from Spring yesterday, didn’t we? I had a funny response to it. As thrilled as I was to go outside without socks or a coat on, I thought to myself, “wow, I haven’t even made a couple of those soup recipes yet and it’s already getting warm!” Not that I was complaining…I just have to admit that thought ran through my mind. The sunshine was good for my soul, and then of course it was pretty much a normal blustery winter again today. It has been a very, um, interesting month and a half since Christmas. It feels like a year and a half since Christmas to me. Everyone in my family has been sick twice, and I’ve been the healthiest one of all as opposed to several winters past. Yay for good nutrition, supplements, and getting as much rest as humanly (and motherly) possible.
I have missed writing, blogging, etc, but at the same time it has sort of been nice to not have a computer and not feel responsible to do the things one does when they have a computer at their constant disposal (that can’t be the right word…disposal? That makes no sense. I don’t know.) Anyway, I have felt more focused at times without Facebook and blogging available to me; yet it is a balance, an important balance, because all work and no play makes Jack’s wife a dull girl.
My mind has been on a lot of things in the past 2 months while I haven’t been sharing much out loud. I am embracing my calling as wife and mom in a deeper way, and relying 100% on the Lord for what I need to do that. I am sitting in a place where I can receive grace (meaning, I really know I need it). I am literally reveling in the Lord and smiling at the way He sees more, which leads to more worship, more intimacy, more strength, more joy. I can tell people are praying seriously for me, and I am so grateful. I’m seeing the Lord open a couple of doors for me to sing again, and the best part is, I know I can completely be myself and offer what small gift I have to offer and not look back wondering if I was good enough or deep enough or not too whatever. I had felt free in the past, but somehow in my serious issues with church/ministry I had lost that freedom. I am free again because the Lord is teaching me how unimportant I truly am in the whole thing…What a concept. It’s wonderful. I really can “just be.”
Hope to be back again to blog soon, because I have a couple things to write about…but we’ll see! Blessings-
Nutrition Group!?!
I am really excited about an idea…
And it feels do-able…
So here’s the details:
Over the past couple of years, I have come across a good bit of pretty life-changing information about food. When you have kids, you typically start looking into the health of what they’re eating (since they eat so much and so often!), plus I wanted to lose weight, plus I was dealing with fatigue, insomnia, and just illness in general. As stones were turned over and I put things in practice, I began to see long term change in each of these areas. Now, the real issue is do I follow all the good advice and do all I should now that I know what I know? Unfortunately, I can’t always say I do…but when I do, I absolutely see results and I know that if I can see results on the outside, then there are definitely results on the inside. (Plus, blood tests have proved it anyway.)
So, what I want to do is start a nutrition class/support group, and share what I have learned (and am still learning!) I want to cover what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and the biggest thing: the why behind it all. I want to talk about issues like good fats that you need to cook with/eat vs. ingredients that you should really never put in your body. I’d also like to talk about weight loss stuff (I’m always drawn to this topic because it’s always been an issue for me) and using food, supplements, and natural medicine to deal with many illnesses that especially women deal with. After the “teaching” time is done, (maybe four sessions) we could continue to see each other once a month just for support. I could personally use that. It is hard to stay on the straight and narrow!!!
I do sometimes wonder if everyone else already knows this information and I was the slow one…If that is the case, we can at least be a support group for each other even if no one learns anything new!
If you read this blog and are interested in joining the group, respond by answering some of these questions:
*Would you rather come to a one-time seminar or 4 meetings (once a week for a month)?
*Would you be interested in continuing as a support group for a few months after the teaching?
*Would you want to come mornings or evenings?
*Would you like to be notified when I write a nutrition blog?
Thanks! I really believe there is a lot of unnecessary suffering–sometimes even in things as serious as insomnia, depression, fatigue, diabetes, obesity–due to lack of knowledge. I have SO much to learn and what I have learned, I want to share!
Beating the Blues
So, half of my family is sick and there’s a cloud overhead…
Let the Sun Shine!!
I was so thrilled to have some sunshine these past few days. That, a extra couple of hours of sleep last night, and a good talk with the Lord, have finally brought some hope to my shriveled up little soul! I feel like I can finally write again and possibly have something to say. My goodness, it has been a rough month for me. I had hoped to sort of encourage myself and others through the winter, and I’ve failed pretty miserably. I have been tired and grumpy, trying to do things that make for good health, but not seeing many results, and then other times not exactly “deserving” any results at all. I don’t have a computer to write/blog on, I don’t have a place to even put my pictures to use online, and I was hoping for those outlets this particular season…but it was not meant to be. And that’s okay. Lots of things break and fail, and the more I live, the more I see how incapable I am to do even the smallest things I set out to do.
Could this story end well? Surprisingly, it does! Wow, it really does. Until you’ve been in this place, it will all sound ridiculous…so there’s the warning. But honestly, yesterday I was just crying out to the Lord, telling Him how impossible it was for me to handle all this, how I keep trying to change and rise up but I can’t. And I felt that He was saying to accept myself as I was, really look at the truth for a moment. Before I could argue and say, “What good will that do? When I feel and act like this, I’m not acceptable, Lord, so I can’t…” He was saying, “You have to accept who you are before My help comes, in order to receive My help.” I think it’s called humility.
I had to admit who I am without Him. I had to dwell there and really look at it. Then I could truly know there is no hope for me on my own, and could ask with the correct perspective for Him to come in and do what only He could do. I had to believe that only He could do it, not me even on my best day. See, I was depending on myself to have enough good days-mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually-to live a good life for the Lord…to do the daily things that make me feel like I am living a good life for the Lord anyway. Hilarious! We certainly can’t depend on such an unsteady thing. I asked and He answered, and we’re just going to have to go through this a million more times until I get it. There is a fine line between trying to live in discipline and victory and obedience, and just plain self-righteousness. I don’t get the distinction. I mean, I obviously know there is a distinction, but I certainly have a hard time along the course of my week knowing which I am living in. It has everything to do with remembering what I understood to be true last night: If I am doing poorly, Jesus is my only hope to rise up and have joy and life again. I must come to Him and ask and wait. If I am doing well, it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my abilities…Jesus is being merciful. Oh, be merciful again!
I wrote a song this week; here’s the first verse…
“Seems like I’m doing fine except when I’m not
I’m sure as I can be and then I can’t be sure at all
I can do anything except when I can’t
and when I can’t remember why, oh when I can’t remember why,
when I can’t remember why I should still try to try,
stay by my side.”
Snow Days
Well, I’m sure it didn’t matter to anyone else, but I am bummed that I am not able to do my idea of writing everyday about winter! The past week I had no access to the computer but honestly, I was having a hard time being positive about winter as well! Just tired and stuff. Also, I am taking these beautiful pictures but can’t put them on my computer/blogs for awhile, so that sort of detracts from the fun of it. BUT…here I am today, and I will tell you I have missed writing. I need to write. For an introvert, it’s just the perfect form of communication.
So I guess my encouragement about winter today came from Jack. We have had about 4 snow days in the past 2 weeks, if I’m remembering correctly (which I may not be, to be honest, it’s been that kind of a week!) Selah mentioned that she didn’t get > go out and play in the snow several of those days, because “my mommy hates the cold!” Jack overheard her telling someone this, and he got sad because he loves going out there with her, but was working long hours those particular days.
So yesterday, they spent hours out there together. I don’t know what they do or how they stand it, but they had a wonderful time and Jack told me today, “It broke my heart to miss going out there to play with her. Snows don’t come that often, and I only have about ten good years with her where she is really going to want to go out there with me. I can do stuff like work anytime, but that’s special.” I love him. Being so deep and constant in the midst of this thing called a home life sometimes takes away my gratitude and awe for a while.
I have had a rough week but after this conversation, I felt different. Selah is only five, but she’s so much more mature than I expected at this age. I really value her company, even if she does toot on me and whine (loudly) when I get on the phone. I love the smell of her hair and the way her eyes look when she first gets up in the morning. And Yemi…oh Yemi. She is 2 1/2 going on 1. She’s hilarious, and while she’s a handful that I need a break from sometimes, that child is so unique and beautiful, and learning all kinds of sweet things from her sis. Today Selah hurt her toe and Yemi got on the floor and kissed it for her!
I love my life. I need help to not slip into certain problems in this life, like boredom (not like I don’t have enough to do, just sick of it) and seclusion (out of necessity due to sickness or snow or tired kids) and even depression (when I cannot seem to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, when I can’t remember HOW to do it with energy and joy).
So, enjoy the snow days…enjoy the hot chocolate…enjoy the 17 layers of clothes laid out to dry by your front door. We only have about 10 good years of it. And if you think that’s a long time, you’re a lot younger than me!!!
What a Day
“Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!” Sorry to not have the reference to this scripture…it is downstairs in my room and I am up here, and after I tell you about my day, you will understand why that feels like such a long journey.
I have put in an honest day’s work today, like every one of you good mommas (and definitely daddies, too) out there. I feel like I put in several days in one today…
So let me tell you about my honest day’s work. Since I haven’t gotten to facebook lately, I will write it out in facebook status mode:
6 a.m. Thank you, Nannette, for waking me up to let me know Selah will be home today to drive me crazy, er, I mean, to play with.
6:30 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Nannette.
7 a.m. Sort of asleep again!
7:55 a.m. Thank you, Mother, for waking me up to let me know you’re not coming today to help keep me sane, er, I mean, help with the kids.
8:45 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Mother!
10 a.m. Worked out while the kids watch Sesame Street. Got new 10 lb handweights. Roar!
10:30 a.m. Stopped in the middle to clean Yemi’s potty and get jelly beans (for her). Yay Yemi!
10:55 a.m. Stopped again to clean Yemi’s potty and get jelly beans for her and Selah this time.
12 Made up a new game with Yemi…When she throws her veggie on the floor, she has to eat an extra one. Who wins this game? ME!
1:00 One minute, I’m cleaning the bathroom because company is coming over, and the next, I’m scooping poop out of the bathtub because Yemi…yeah. She did. Oh my gosh. So gross.
1:10 Put Yemi back in the tub and she looks up at me and says so sweetly, “Thank You, Momma.” She didn’t think she’d get to go back in.
1:30 Stepped both bare feet into Yemi’s puddle in her bedroom. Wonderful.
1:40 Played Uno with Selah.
2:00-4 Talked with the Lord and tried to close my eyes for a while. Sent Selah back upstairs twice.
5 Got the house completely beautiful for company.
5:35 Found out company was not coming because of the snow. Of course.
7 There was one single moment of silence. Just one. It was a healing time for me.
The Solid Rock of Brotherhood
I am so glad that Jack started off our day today with Martin Luther King, Jr.’s speech (on TV). I just added (on TV) as an afterthought because I had this funny idea that you guys were thinking he woke us up quoting “I Have A Dream”. That would have been something!
But anyway, the whole family watched the speech and it was so stirring. I wanted to write a few comments about it, and there’s a link as well if you want to watch it.
*As we were watching Dr. King speak, Selah says, “Wow. He is really in love with Jesus!”
*I felt really shocked that it was only 50 years ago that such blatant and ridiculous injustice was practiced (and legal) in our country. What were they thinking? That was not that long ago.
*I liked the part of his speech about “I have a dream that little black boys and little black girls around the country will hold hands with little white boys and little white girls and live as brothers and sisters.” It makes me happy to see that in my home, and it makes me happy that my generation is stomping out old beliefs and prejudices that would feel that white people and black people can’t make a family together. I was like, “Preach, brother!!”
*Later today I was reminded (by a t-shirt I was wearing actually) that in ’63 when MLK made his speech, African-Americans were being oppressed, and in ’73 the oppression of the unborn began. Friends, it is the same thing. We are trying to make members of our society invisible, nameless, and voiceless…literally. We must stand for the rights of the unborn. Period.
*Lastly, I was proud of the “whites” who stood with the “blacks” during this time in history. There is something so precious about a safe and accepted person taking up the cause of those in danger, those rejected. It is so beautiful. I can’t remember what book I read or who said this, but it’s just the idea that “if you can’t have freedom, I certainly won’t either…I won’t enjoy mine, until you have your’s.” Oh, that is so Jesus. I want to be like that!
I wrote a song a while back called “To the End” and it’s going to be on my next CD…if there is a next CD. I want to share the chorus of it, because it is about this very thing. I wrote it during our adoption journey, but I wasn’t just talking about adoption at all. I was talking about abortion, modern day slavery, child trafficking, the persecuted church, or even people with cancer. I’m talking about standing for love and justice, with the oppressed, and making it your personal business to intervene in any way the Lord lets you.
“’cause when your morning comes, I wanna have fought for you all night
I wanna see you stare in wonder at the beauty of His might
and when your shouts of freedom echo all across the kingdom
I wanna stand and sing with you…I wanna be there, too…
This is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now to the end…”
