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Why Our Knees?

Jack and I have really enjoyed watching Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip on Netflix the past couple of months. I cannot believe it only got one season…! I would love to find out why it was cancelled. It was a show that spoke very bluntly of the public opinion (at least in Hollywood) of politics, the war in the Middle East (or the part of it we are involved in, anyway), and Christianity. The main characters were people who produced and acted in a Friday night comedy show, like SNL, and one girl, Harriet Hayes, was a born-again believer.

In the last episode of the season, she and her friend were in the hospital waiting room. Her friend had just found out that his fiance was in bad shape and may not recover, and Harriet says, “Okay, it’s your choice. I can do my Holly Hunter impression or I can teach you how to pray.” Her friend says, “Let’s find the chapel.”
She’s on her knees and welcomes him to join her, and he goes off in a tirade that went something like this: “If I was God, I would not need people to bow down to Me. I mean, if I really did what I said I did, make the whole earth and everything in it and have total control, then why do I need someone stroking my pride? This is ridiculous. God shouldn’t need me on my knees for me to pray.” She said, “Kneeling is not for God’s sake, its for yours. We have everything in this life handed to us–wealth, fame, whatever–and the only thing not handed to us is humility. We bow to remind ourselves who He is and who we are.” He, unfortunately, stormed out. But she was right, wasn’t she?
Psalm 104:24-30 says, “How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures…These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.”
Believing that I am on the receiving end so much, if not all, of the time is humbling. Knowing that no plans I make can be held together by my own power is humbling, even the best and godliest of plans. Like a baby, we must stay less than an arm’s length from our Creator whether we realize it or not, and whether we like it or not, and that’s humbling. We like to be in control and be responsible, and we certainly have to obey and do “our part” but we are so out of line when we begin to think that “our part” is the real work of God. The real work of ministry. The real work of relationships. We obey and we don’t take pride in it, and we certainly don’t get impressed with ourselves, because that would simply be ridiculous, wouldn’t it? Just like I can plant a seed in the ground and take the time to water it, I realize even in me doing my part that I had no power to make it grow. I am not the soil, the nutrients in that water, the sun; I am just doing my tiny part. And so it is.
Why can’t we have a relationship with God that doesn’t require kneeling–the kneeling of our hearts if not our bodies as well? Because a relationship with God doesn’t come as a partnership…”let’s join our resources, God! We’ll make a great team, God!” It doesn’t come by thinking we are His equals and looking Him in the eye and asking Him to do His part, while we can confidently hold up our end of the bargain. Oh, my. If we think we can hold up our end of the bargain, any bargain at all, pride has finally reached the surface. We are dependent on Him even for our part.
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Friends Forever!

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this and decided if I had time, I would write about it today: FRIENDS. Not the show, but the blessed reality of people we get to walk through this life with. Yesterday, my mom brought over a couple of boxes of my things from the lovely teenager years…collages, journals, keepsakes. There are some things that really stand out to me, looking back at those clothes, books, things I wrote, things written to me.

#1 – I am still learning the same exact lessons from my personal walk with Jesus that I was then. I briefly looked through those journals in amazement. I was really pursuing Him. I don’t know whether to be sad that I haven’t come very far, or just excited that He was so important to me then, too. All grace. ALL grace.
#2 – I wish I hadn’t let boyfriends and the pursuit of that have such a high place in my heart and mind. I didn’t date, so it wasn’t necessarily about my time, but I did form strong bonds with a couple of guys in my school years. I know that’s all a healthy part of life, but still…it should have been lower on my priority list.
#3 – Friends were my life. School was bearable every morning because of friends. A lot of times I went to church because of my awesome youth group. Once we went to college, wow, it was like heaven because it was just constant community. We were together all of the time, and they were not petty friends, they were true, true friends. Many of our parents were friends with each other, and now most of us are parents. We’re spread all over the globe, literally, some of us doing what we always thought we would do, and some of us doing the last thing we expected. I am so thankful for the thousands of conversations and hours and laughs and tears I have shared with these FRIENDS!
I don’t know if it gets better or different or not, but it’s been hard for me to grapple with how friendships change once you get married. For one thing, 90% of my guy friends disappeared, and I had some incredible guy friends so it really was a big loss! When it comes to my girlfriends, I didn’t lose them, but as time went on past college, I found out who was going to make the effort to stay friends and who wasn’t. It had to be a mutual effort or it was not going to happen… But we move, we get jobs, we spend our free time with our spouse, and what a big shock really, we don’t have 12 hours a day to be together anymore! I was not prepared for that! Then, shocker of all shockers, we start having babies and the only way we girls can talk is by risking our children’s lives while we take the phone to the bathroom and close the door. An uninterrupted conversation just might never happen again.
Oh, friends. Sweet friends. God’s love wrapped up in people. In the past five years, I’ve had a really hard time with this sleep disorder and health stuff, and getting together with friends has had to become a low priority. I’ve been living on a necessity-only basis many months out of the year, and that’s been hard. I’m so grateful for the friends I could at least call or write when I was able to resurface. I’ve been feeling better for about a week and that’s exactly what it feels like: resurfacing. I don’t know for how long or even why, but I’m grateful, and my friends are going to know it!
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Birthdays and Stories

Selah’s 6th birthday was on Sunday. As every mom says, I don’t know how my little girl’s already 6 years old! I can’t say time has flown. We’ve had millions of great moments tucked into those 6 years! Hundreds of times that I’ve closed my eyes and hoped that someday I could bring back the same sounds, sights, smells, and feelings of that very moment.

On Sunday, we had a get together with family and afterwards we went to the nursing home to visit Jack’s granddaddy. While we were eating cake, Jack’s grandma told us some great stories! Here’s a couple of my favorites.

*First of all, she gave Selah a 70 year old baby doll–a Sparkle Plenty doll, for those of you who know about the Dick Tracy cartoon. Selah was so thrilled, and said she would “pass it down from generation to generation.” I didn’t even know she knew that word! Grandma said when she was 6 years old, her mother ordered that doll out of a catalog and even though she was not allowed to go to the post office to look for it, one day she could not resist any longer. She walked across the street to the post office and saw the package in their post office box! She was so excited, she ran home to tell her parents it was in. What did she get? A spanking. For going across the street! Understandable, but sad! Then, of course, the Sparkle Plenty doll was hers and she told us on Sunday, “It was worth it.”

*Grandma told us that when Grandaddy was a baby and his mom needed to get some work done, she would dress him in a long dress and then put the end of his dress under the mattress to hold it down. Then he would be stuck and would have to just play within about a foot of the bed. HA! Pack and play, schmack and play!

*Last story…Grandma said that when she was born, a midwife came to her house to deliver her. Her family was poor and couldn’t pay the midwife with money, so they paid her with a bushel of tomatoes. A bushel of tomatoes!! I will never look at a bushel of tomatoes the same again! We’ve come a long way in 74 years…or have we?

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Money, Possessions, and the Poor…Again

What was I thinking about at 2 a.m. that I just had to blog about? I actually think it was money, possessions, and the poor…that’s it. I was reading in John before I went to bed, the passage about Jesus being anointed by sweet Mary and he says that baffling statement, “It’s okay to waste this perfume on me, guys. You’ll always have the poor with you to help, but today I want your focus on Me.”

That used to baffle me, back when I sort of preached the gospel of “Ministry to the Poor and Equality with the Least of These is the Most Important Thing On Earth.” I went through a time, when I was making my last CD actually, where I was learning what is most valuable, what we’re really here for, and personally I was learning some lessons that I hope to have with me the rest of my life. I did need to sell and give away things that weren’t necessities, I did need to make sure in my heart of hearts I was not leaning on material goods for my security and peace, and I did need to learn to see the least of these, the orphan, the child in the sex trade, as my family. Absolutely. I will never go back to a place of not knowing and not acting. I’m glad I learned how to be involved. In the unseen realm, we are involved through awareness, knowledge, specific prayer, and entering into grief with Jesus over these tragedies and letting Him evolve our hearts in the way He chooses. In the seen realm, there are physical sacrifices we can make to reach out and do what we would hope someone would do for us if we found ourselves in such circumstances. For every loss we choose for ourselves, someone else can gain. I pray I never lose this mindset. While it is not my fault that human trafficking and starvation exist, I believe my life should look different because they do.
However, the most important thing I learned was to make sure I know the most important thing. Jesus said many, many things and He meant them all. His ministry to the poor, the example of His life (having no place to lay His head, etc.), and His statement that when we serve the poor we are really serving Him, are proof enough that He was teaching us to care, love, give, and expend ourselves and our resources for others even if that means we go without. But as I am learning in my own life right now, He also taught us to put the correct value on things, to prioritize our hearts, souls, minds and strength toward Him. I learned the long and drawn out way that I must have one allegiance, and that allegiance is not to the work I can do for Jesus/the poor/youth, etc.. That is devalued in comparison to knowing Christ my Lord. Yes, we show our love for Him through obedience, but I believe intimacy is necessary for obedience to even begin and certainly for it also to continue. Our connection to Him cannot be an afterthought or a token group prayer before we head out to do some good deeds. Our connection to Him also isn’t to make ourselves feel good and secure, like “God will bless whatever I put my hands to, because I have been sitting down to pray lately.” Look at John 15, look at the stories involving Mary and Martha. Paul basically said, “Everything I have accomplished, even the good, I consider a waste in comparison to truly knowing Jesus Himself.”
Keeping the Main Thing the main thing. It’s easy to get ahead of ourselves. It’s easy to look to productivity instead looking into the eyes of Jesus for our sense of worth, our sense of “I’m enough, I’m okay.” If God lays on our hearts a desire to commune with the poor, or whoever, our route to doing that will begin (and stay) at one place: digging in deeper in our submissive relationship with Jesus and prizing it above every idea, every exciting possibility, every job or ministry opportunity, every success and every failure. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to daily pull away and surrender this thing of “What I Wanted to Do for God.” I lay it down to know Him, because I believe He told me to, and because I believe it is in actuality the ONLY way I can be of His service anyway. I trade it in to know Him, because I cannot serve two masters. I can’t love and protect my identities, my (spiritual) reputation, my resume, and my potential if I’m going to pursue Him. I used to think loving and serving Him was these things…but I am learning their value and the separation that is necessary.
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A Question and Some Thoughts

So…the big question for me these days is the big question of exactly one year ago: To homeschool next school year or not. I will skip a bunch of the details to simply say that I was feeling like the decision had been made for me. Jack is working 2nd shift, and even though he doesn’t feel like this job is going to be his career, he will probably be there at least awhile. Long enough to bother getting on their insurance! 🙂 Since no one is awake to take Selah to school (don’t laugh and don’t judge, I can’t do it and Jack would only get 5 hours of sleep a night if he did it), and even worse since Selah wouldn’t see Jack except for on the weekends, I felt the decision toward homeschooling had become set in stone. Then I spent some time with Jack this weekend and he thinks this summer is going to be our time to experiment with it.

I think homeschooling is a great thing for certain families. I’ve always thought I would do it, at least for some years, and I really respect those who do. I could spend this blog describing why I want to do it, but I’m sure you can guess those. So here are the reasons why I’m just not positive I can handle it.
1) I am fully aware of my “special needs”. I have to sleep so much because of this dang sleep disorder and, just as the type of person that I am, I require pretty good amounts of stillness. I feel disconnected from myself in such a disturbing way when I am having to be “on” all the time. I need time every day of quiet, to journal and pray, to think things through, just to be. I am learning how to re-orient myself to God’s presence in me in the midst of chaos, but it’s still not enough. If I homeschool, I have sort of worked out a schedule that will allow me to have some time like this, but I will not be okay if I’m flustered and harried all day. That’s just not functional and not how I want to be remembered by my kids anyway.
2) All of the hours left in the day. If we homeschool 2 to 4 hours a day, what do we do the rest of the day? Sure, I can figure out a lot of it, but this is a small house and while my kids can entertain themselves with toys and puzzles and what-not for a couple hours out of the day, I’m afraid we’ll turn to TV if I’m too tired to take them out to play or go visit someone. Plus, they are such social little people, I do think they will get tired of being here and doing the same thing so many days a week. We’ll have church, AWANA, gymnastics, and the library, plus playgrounds, the zoo, and field trips. Maybe we will form community there that will carry over beyond those actual places?
3) I believe, and have seen this year while Selah was in Kindergarten at Lincoln Trail, that absence makes the heart grow fonder! She appreciates her relationships at home, as well as her “stuff”. She doesn’t get bored because she’s only here from 3 until 8 (bedtime) then weekends, and because that’s only 5 hours a day we make it quality time. I cannot make 12 hours a day quality time.
So…here’s how you can help me…those few of you still reading! A few questions you may be able to respond to?
*What can I expect Selah (6 years old, reading 2nd or 3rd grade level, major extrovert) to do on her own and for how long?
*How many times a day is it appropriate to say, “Okay, kids, go play quietly in your rooms for a little while?”
*How many days (for you homeschoolers) do you stay home completely?
*How much TV (pretty good stuff, like educational cartoons) is appropriate, in your opinion?
*How do you get your “sanity time” (if you feel like you need it)?
Thanks! Thanks for reading and letting me get all that out. This is my first chance at the computer in a long time! Hope to blog more regularly soon. 🙂
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The Why and The How

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it’s the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it’s all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, “Okay. Now You see I have put you there…in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You’re surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The “what” is answered; make sure you know the “why” (because you’ll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the “how” (again, you’ll be blessed.)
Parenting. I’m not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don’t have that kind of patience and calm…but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He’ll lead the way in regard to “what” I do…I used to care so much about the “what” that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn’t allow that option.
My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it’s what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.
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Something Screwy

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a “quiet time”. My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a “journaler”; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn’t in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, “We don’t have to have time with God; we get to have time with God.” That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, “You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?” Yes, I knew…but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already “so close”.
And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship…He wants me and I want Him…but there is no set way it has to be done. It’s just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.
He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What’s screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.
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What I’ve Been Up To

Gee whiz, it really has been a long time since my last blog. Thanks to an iPhone I’ve been borrowing (but not for much longer), I’ve been able to keep up with Facebook and Email…but I just cannot type on that thing for my typically long blogs. So, what has been going on? I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing the past couple of months, but I promise it isn’t anything exciting.

In March, I was pretty much convinced that winter was over and spring was coming in such a nice and concise way…December, January, and February it snowed like crazy just as it should in a picture perfect winter, and then voila, March came with some very nice temperatures and even the lovely allergies started up. I remember specifically thinking, “Wow, that was a nice winter, and it didn’t drag on!” But it was a major “sike”. Today, now at the end of April, I did put away our coats and mittens, so that was exciting! And only 5 weeks left of school. Surely it’ll be warm by then.
Also, in March, for some reason or another, I had a horrible time sleeping, which led to intensified symptoms of my sleep disorder and adrenal fatigue. Not cool. That’s partly why I both did not blog and can’t recall much of what happened the past 8 weeks! I remember Selah having her tonsils out (that’s when the sleep deprivation began!). I remember Spring Break, and our simple little Staycation which included the Zoo, Snappy Tomato, the Movies, Krispy Kreme, and lots of fun play days. Also, sometime around Spring Break I was bitten by the “Homeschooling Excitement Bug” and have been praying and researching that idea ever since. I am out of my mind, but I’ve also been bit by the “want to adopt another little girl” bug, but I doubt that one is going to work out quite as well.
Unfortunately, last week we had a little…issue. Yemi stuck a little fabric rose up her cute little nose, and it took 3 days and 3 doctors to get it out. The saga ended with, no kidding, the whole staff at Wolf and Yun singing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” to Yemi to keep her calm during the procedure. I truly hope this child has learned her lesson! I hope this phase with her ends soon, I have to say. She is so unpredictable and mischievious. Funny, but a little scary, too. I have decided that for the next month we are keeping to a really calm and regular schedule, no weekends with grandmas or special things. Sometimes we love giving our kids special surprises a little too much…I see them getting a little grabby and I don’t like it. So, I started a sticker chart to help reinforce good behavior and it is making a big difference already.
Jack will start a new job in about a week. I hope it will be a good fit. We are loving Open House, our church that was planted by the Bridge Community. We meet on Saturday nights and it is extremely laid back, both very important for me and my fam. Even though I’m not doing much with music right now, it’s a comfortable enough setting that I love leading worship there sometimes. I hadn’t done that in YEARS. I love how deep the discussions go, too; no fluff here. Definitely let me know if you’d like to check it out.
Well, sorry I didn’t have anything very deep to write about. I actually DO, my heart is so full of all God is teaching and how He is moving in me and my home!!! Good Friday was very meaningful (the storms and darkness only added to my thoughts all day), today’s home worship time was amazing, and tomorrow…my favorite day of the year…I pray for more depth of understanding how Jesus’ resurrection should absolutely breathe new life, joy, and hope into every moment of my day, every day.
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Quilts On Sale Now Through End of May!

Super Spring Sale!
These are just a few of the quilts we are selling for New Hope for Cambodian Children. This ministry helps HIV+ widows by giving them employment (quilt making is part of that project), ARV medications, healthy meals, and education for their children. Right now, we are taking the price of large quilts down from $100 to $70, and the price of the baby quilts will go from $50 to $35. Free Shipping. These make meaningful and literally life giving Mother’s Day and Baby Shower Gifts. Each quilt comes with information about the ministry and the quilter herself. To see ALL the quilts, click on my facebook album link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=404180&id=639925320&l=5c792ecbba





Please please please contact me if you are interested or have questions about a quilt. You can email me at lyndsaytaylor@mac.com, find me on Facebook, or respond to this blog. Thank you!

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Some Girls

“She thinks she is never enough.

Even if she looked at her accomplishments, relationships, experiences, the love she has given and received, things she has created, thoughts and songs and lessons she has put out into the world, and the places she has lived and learned…she would still feel it is not enough.
What would it take for her to feel like a “real” anything? A real writer, a real missionary, a real musician, a real you fill in the blank.
I know the secret.
How can she be the most thriving and alive woman she can be? How can she live life in this confusing world to the fullest?
She should not look for herself or look at herself or try to get others to look either. What matters about her is one thing. One identity alone defines and illuminates her for all time. Other identities are a shadow in comparison, only one is vital…
She is accepted in the Beloved. She is known, deeply, by the Lord. She is on a journey down that aisle to the One who loved her even unto death, Jesus. She can go as deep and as far into this relationship as she dares to go, but she cannot have two masters. She cannot serve the world and all it wants her to be if she is going to pursue Him. She can’t care about both, not in her heart of hearts which reflects in her daily life, thoughts, desires, and actions.
She thinks she is never enough, but she chose to not be. She glories in the choice she made, to let go of the pursuits that promised to satisfy her hunger. It is simple and it is not applauded, but she will be ready on that Day.”