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A Walk with A Friend

Tonight I got to spend an hour and a half with a young lady whom I have known for at least 7 years. She was 12 years old when I met her! I love and admire her and her parents, and as we walked together this evening, a lesson made itself abundantly clear.

When you grow up in a good home, you most likely had three balanced meals a day…Therefore, when you played ball in the yard or at school, you had the energy. You probably took vitamins or at least someone was making sure you had your nutrients, so you got up in the morning feeling good (or at least by 2nd period, you were feeling good!) You most likely had a bedtime or a curfew, a time limit maybe on the TV or video games, all so that you would do well on that test in the morning and not become a zombie like some of your friends who didn’t have such involved parents. Call it strict; call it rules; call it whatever you want…Good parents take care of these vital parts of who we are as people, in hopes that we will catch on and do it for ourselves when we are on our own. It is no coincidence that people who eat healthy can run miles, and people who don’t stay up until 2 a.m. everyday can think clearly and have better job performance. It is no coincidence. It’s not luck and maybe not genes. It’s discipline…Grace, yes, but discipline.
So in the same way, families who cultivate a relationship with God and surround their sons and daughters with godly instruction, prayer and devotional time, playing Christian music, going to church and having Christian friends over, even time set aside each day as “a quiet time”, as well as maybe things like Bible Drill, youth camps, and AWANA are making a framework of faith for the whole family to live by. It is no coincidence that kids in strong Christian families often pray to receive Christ by the time they’re 10 and often rededicate their lives to Christ by the time they go to college, because they are surrounded by God and the things of God. And it is no coincidence that when they leave home, they may not stay “close to God.” I think maybe here’s why…
This friend was telling me that when she was in high school, her whole life was what went on daily in that school and every night was preparation for the next day at that school. Those people, those halls, those clothes, that was life. Whatever her teachers led her to think about throughout the day, those were her thoughts most of her waking hours. Whatever her friends led her heart to care about through the day, those were her desires most of her waking hours. Whether we’re at school, work, home, camp, whatever, we are being molded. The course of the river of our heart is being directed!!! All the time!!! So, when we leave the nest and there’s no more disciplines as part of our schedule, it only takes a couple months to feel LOST. The disciplines cultivated in a godly home weren’t anything in themselves, the rituals are not holy in themselves, but if a person was led to genuine prayer, worship, Bible Study, and personal time with God weekly, they may not even realize what is missing when they’re on their own and feeling distant from God.
C.S Lewis said that we daily get up and brainwash ourselves! I know a lot of people probably have a problem with that statement, but I get it and I live it. We renew our minds daily and we get lost really quick if we don’t. As my pastor and his wife have said, “We do not follow our hearts. We LEAD our hearts.” We lead our hearts to setting still before the Lord, giving, worshipping, meeting with other believers. I don’t think young adults are falling away from God because the church necessarily failed them or is too traditional or because their relationships with God were not real enough or deep enough. I think some of them are falling away for the exact same reason that I fall away so regularly!! Because they don’t realize that it isn’t GOD that is missing all of a sudden, but rather the things that helped them grow in Him that are missing all of a sudden. It’s no coincidence that if we eat Twinkies for a week, we feel like crap! And it’s no coincidence that if I don’t open my Bible, meet with a believer, or come to God in confession and praise for a whole week, that I will feel lost and confused and scared that we have lost Him.
We have been fed a lie from the enemy that we are “not under law” and don’t need disciplines, and that God is always with us, so that’s enough. We’ve been fed the lie from the enemy that there isn’t more to grasp in the Lord anyway, as long as we have these basics from our childhood. I have personally given into the lie from the enemy that this yucky feeling I have when I have not been spending quality time with the Lord is God being mad at me (for my lack of discipline and consistency), instead of the truth which is that yucky feeling is just this hole I have that my depth with Him used to fill. We have to lead our heart to the Living Water and drink! It doesn’t have to look the same everyday, and it is okay to use whatever resources we need. It took me forever to realize that it was okay to use a devotional or Bible Study workbook instead of just the Bible. I have not depended on other believers much on my journey, but I am learning to! I believe if I move one inch in the direction of God–one page of my Bible, one moment of surrender, one verse of praise–He runs a mile to greet me and help me awaken my heart to Him.
So just like Daniel prayed in the morning, noon, and night–whether we’re just now taking a step out of our home at 19 or 33 year old stay-at-home-momma like me or a 59 year old Grandma, we are all in the same boat! If we want to know the Lord, we can’t expect Him to burn a bush! I am challenged to do something 3x a day, even if it is just for 5 or 10 minutes, to direct my heart, soul, mind, and strength to God. A verse to memorize. A praise CD in the player or on Pandora. A podcast. 3 paragraphs from a book by an author you know is diving into the depths of God. A short prayer walk. The answer of how to get “close to Him” again is never out of reach. He put the desire for that in us in the first place.
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A Rough Day So Far!

I realize that many times on my blog I am only sitting down to write when I feel good and life is great and God is teaching me something cool. What’s the point of sharing about the rough days? Just sounds like complaining! But…that is not sharing the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Today has been a rough day so far, and it is great to know that I can share it, have my mind renewed with truth from the Word and the Lord, and move on!

It’s nothing big, just all these little things, like last night I got in bed early and couldn’t sleep for at least 2 and a half hours. I had a horrible headache and just felt miserable. Then when I got up this morning, I got on the scale and after about 10 weeks of exercising 45 minutes 5 days a week and being wise and self-controlled in my eating, found that I still weigh exactly the same weight. I went out for a walk and the scariest, fattest, growliest dog on my road was not in his pen and came tearing across his yard to me while his owner screamed at him. I’m afraid of dogs in the first place, and all I could do was whimper, “God, please protect me. God, please protect me.” I really was terrified, and thankfully the dog stopped at the edge of his yard. I was so angry and unfortunately had to spend the rest of my walk processing through what happened and discussing with myself whether or not I should go past that house ever again…and coming up with ugly threats if I ever got to speak with that owner, which I do plan on doing, minus the threats.
Then I come in the house to my sweet girls and their beautiful mess…but the mess really lies in the dust and dirt and dishes that has little to do with them. I’ve already gotten a lot of that cleaned, and I am so thankful just to have a house, but sometimes the constantness (making up words here) of keeping my house decent wears on me. Especially when I have my darling husband who piles stuff up in corners to collect dust and NEVER get put away…and then when he needs whatever he piled somewhere, he doesn’t know where it is…and if I moved it, I’m responsible for where I put it and with the sheer amount of these objects I’m talking about, seriously, how can I remember? Plus, our house has some issues (like leaks in the basement and projects from a year and a half ago that never got finished yet the materials to finish the projects lay in piles inside my house). I am telling you, if a dump truck magically appeared at my house with 2 guys capable of carrying out stuff…
Okay, enough. Back to doing what I need to do, and at this very moment I am turning on some worship music and letting God do His magic in me! His mercies are new every morning! He is my Portion! He is my Joy! Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits!!!!! We will conquer the dust and the aggravation with praise!
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A Theology of Suffering

Some of the best advice I have ever heard for the modern day Church is this: “We had better develop our theology of suffering, because it’s not going away.” It seems like the Church really does not expect to suffer. We’re still shocked by it, disappointed in God over it, and personally offended…yet it was promised over and over in the Bible. Living in safe and sweet America hasn’t truly done us any favors spiritually. (But I am not saying I’m not grateful still.) I am so guilty of this. The first time I really suffered, it took counseling for me to unwrap my shock, indignation, and what felt like betrayal from God.

But something has been rolling around in my mind lately and I think I can finally articulate it, not that its anything new or rocket science status…For believers who really are trying to know and follow God personally, I think the thing that makes suffering really sting is that we do not believe it came from God. I know when I am suffering all I can think about is “how to get back in God’s will.” I want to RUN, conquer, win! I want no obstacles holding me back from a glorious life in Him, but that glorious life in Him isn’t necessarily going to be found in the physical realm or in things leveling out, calming down, or getting easier. Instead of promising that picture we have in our minds of what “living in God’s will” would look like, we are promised the cross. The cross comes in the form of suffering, and the suffering comes in the form of: dreams that do not come true, disappointments, failure, disease, tragedies…
Accepting the cross and not scorning its shame is a Key. It is sharing in the sufferings of Christ which He said we will have opportunity to do, and He is inviting us to not only share in those sufferings, He is inviting us to follow His example in the way He bore up under those sufferings. He knew He was in the perfect middle of the will of His Father; at different times, he felt the humility, the joy, and the abandonment, but He always could hold on to knowing He was in His Father’s will. Whether you’re suffering because you are sick on the mission field or suffering because you can’t get a good job, when you live trusting in the Lord with all your heart, your suffering gets to accomplish a great work in you! You’re in God’s will! All those verses about suffering producing perseverance, character, and faith apply to you! I believe God’s will is all about who you are right where you are. If you are connected to Him right here and now, there’s no where else you’re supposed to be. If jobs or locations or whatever need to change, you can bet those details will happen without a whole lot of hoopla. So…
Tonight, Selah (my 6 yr old) was really tired, and she said, “Life is so hard! I wish it was worth it. I wish we could just visit Heaven sometimes!” Now, let me backtrack a little. She said this because honestly, we have exposed her to a lot of suffering. She is my daughter, so it’s inevitable. If she’s going to be around me much, she is going to know about the persecuted church, what is going on in these countries, the drought/war/famine in Somalia, Kenya, and Ethiopia…but also, because she experienced adopting a little sis from Ethiopia, went through the same agony/learning experience we did, has a grandmother who suffers greatly in and out of the hospital, and we spend a good deal of time with people at the nursing home since her great grandfather lives there. She is exposed. Of course, she also thinks the fact that her finger was pricked at the doctor today is a national emergency, and we are very careful what images/language we allow her to see and hear regarding these things, but my point is this: Suffering is not going away. We can only protect ourselves and our kids so much, and we should only protect ourselves and our kids so much.
I preached a little sermon to Selah in Kroger when she said she wishes this life was worth it. She wanted to know why we even had to be here on earth if we were just here to fellowship with God and point others to His love. She said, “Why couldn’t God just keep us all in Heaven and we wouldn’t have to go through all this?” Good questions, sweet Selah. I don’t know it all. But I am happy that I have truth to tell her. Truth about what she can see–I’m not sugarcoating the realities of suffering–and truth about what she cannot yet see–that our God is in control, that we are called to sacrificially show compassion around the world, and that King Jesus will come back someday. And when He does, we will see His very appropriate vengeance released that He has held back all this time. Read Isaiah! Read Revelation! We must develop and teach a theology of suffering from God’s Word, not an American version of it that says it is God’s job to keep us housed and fed and healthy. It doesn’t matter what we like or what we wish were true.
The Beloved is being prepared for her Bridegroom, and this will come through the refining fire of suffering…in all shapes and sizes. We’ve got to see it for what it is and prepare our children for their refining fire, too. We kind of have to…grow up and stop skirting around it, closing our eyes and hoping it won’t be there when we open them. Come Lord Jesus, and help us through Your Spirit until You do!
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Excited

Before I go to bed tonight, I just have to type out some of my excitement. First of all, I just have to say GLORY to God because He has chosen to let me feel great this summer. I would love to get to continue this way. We will see what He has in mind. I hope I can handle it (well, I know I can’t, so I will say, I will be relying on Him to make me handle it) if everything has to come to a screeching halt. Anyway, I’m rambling…Here’s what I’m excited about!

I am excited about all this new school year brings. I love our homeschool curriculum (My Father’s World, but we are also throwing in several other subjects and resources). I love that Selah is doing gymnastics. It was so much fun to watch her go around the gym and get to try out every single one of those cool things (cool to her; they just make my hands start sweating even looking at them). I love that my mom comes on Tuesdays, giving me a day to teach lessons again and prepare for things coming up, such as maybe leading songs at church one weekend or a concert. I’m excited about making a CD and getting to share these songs in concerts maybe once a month. I’m excited that by God’s grace, and I do not say that lightly because He knows it’s Him, I am out on my road running 5 mornings a week. And lastly, I am excited that I am going to be co-teaching Spanish and Missions 2 mornings a month to homeschoolers in FAITH’s Enrichment program!
If that made your head spin, it did mine as well. We’ll see if I make it to Christmas. I am not a busy person by nature, and it all looks like my highest priorities will still fit into every day, but we’ll see. Everything in my life right now feels very focused. I’m getting to teach and do many things that I have a passion for, but had completely given up and surrendered to God. I’m excited that when people said, “He’ll bring that back in another season”, they were right! I had to fully let go of these actually very normal things during those years of sickness. That sounds so pitiful, but it’s not. God is teaching me so much about how He cherishes the weak, the unable, the despised…how He loves the humility and wisdom these things can accomplish in our lives. I understand a little bit now that things that embarrass or make us misunderstood are a gift from God.
Letting go of everything that I thought defined me, and for about 2 years only finding my identity in Christ because I had nothing else, (I didn’t even have a hobby!) has made me alive. I died to what I wanted out of myself. I died to my somewhat unBiblical expectations of God. I died to what others thought of me. I died to the life I thought He wanted me to have, in order to finally and slowly embrace the life I do have. Somehow I am living in that grave still, because it is right where I need to stay…but because of the grave, resurrection becomes a possibility. Not resurrection of my goals or identities or activities or health, that doesn’t matter in the least. That’s just external stuff. Resurrection on the inside. Just like Jesus had to go to the grave before He was resurrected, we do, too. He gives us crosses– to kill us– in the same way that He gave us the law to show us we were incapable of keeping it! So when we finally give up and die and let go of our understanding of how to love and serve Him, then the Spirit finally has control and freedom and power and we stand literally amazed. If this whole thing I’m talking about was a download on my computer, I would say I have downloaded less than 1 %, but nonetheless…I am excited.
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Excited

Before I go to bed tonight, I just have to type out some of my excitement. First of all, I just have to say GLORY to God because He has chosen to let me feel great this summer. I would love to get to continue this way. We will see what He has in mind. I hope I can handle it (well, I know I can’t, so I will say, I will be relying on Him to make me handle it) if everything has to come to a screeching halt. Anyway, I’m rambling…Here’s what I’m excited about!

I am excited about all this new school year brings. I love our homeschool curriculum (My Father’s World, but we are also throwing in several other subjects and resources). I love that Selah is doing gymnastics. It was so much fun to watch her go around the gym and get to try out every single one of those cool things (cool to her; they just make my hands start sweating even looking at them). I love that my mom comes on Tuesdays, giving me a day to teach lessons again and prepare for things coming up, such as maybe leading songs at church one weekend or a concert. I’m excited about making a CD and getting to share these songs in concerts maybe once a month. I’m excited that by God’s grace, and I do not say that lightly because He knows it’s Him, I am out on my road running 5 mornings a week. And lastly, I am excited that I am going to be co-teaching Spanish and Missions 2 mornings a month to homeschoolers in FAITH’s Enrichment program!
If that made your head spin, it did mine as well. We’ll see if I make it to Christmas. Everything in my life right now feels very focused and led by the Lord (i hope!). I’m getting to teach and do many things that I have a passion for, but had completely given up and surrendered to God. I’m excited that when people said, “He’ll bring that back in another season”, they were right! I had to fully let go of these actually very normal things during those years of sickness. That sounds so pitiful, but it’s not. God is teaching me so much about how He cherishes the weak, the unable, the despised…how He loves the humility and wisdom these things can accomplish in our lives. I understand a little bit now that things that embarrass or make us misunderstood are a gift from God.
Letting go of everything that I thought defined me, and for about 2 years only finding my identity in Christ because I had nothing else, (I didn’t even have a hobby!) has made me alive. I died to what I wanted out of myself. I died to my somewhat unBiblical expectations of God. I died to what others thought of me. I died to the life I thought He wanted me to have, in order to finally and slowly embrace the life I do have. Somehow I am living in that grave still, because it is right where I need to stay…but because of the grave, resurrection becomes a possibility. Not resurrection of my goals or identities or activities or health, that doesn’t matter in the least. That’s just external stuff. Resurrection on the inside. Just like Jesus had to go to the grave before He was resurrected, we do, too. He gives us crosses– to kill us– in the same way that He gave us the law to show us we were incapable of keeping it! So when we finally give up and die and let go of our understanding of how to love and serve Him, then the Spirit finally has control and freedom and power and we stand literally amazed. That doesn’t mean life becomes bigger and better, or ministry becomes bigger and better. It means there is no more striving to get somewhere else. There is rest and peace in the midst of daily obedience.
I have to say, if this whole thing I’m talking about was a download on my computer, I would say I have downloaded less than 1 %, but nonetheless…I am excited.
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Being a Momma





I am going to give myself a grand total of 3 minutes to write…and then I must start my bedtime thing. 8:57 p.m.

I just put Yemi to bed for the first time in her big girl bed. She was SO excited. I left the rocking chair in there because I knew she wouldn’t be ready to give up rocking time…hmmm. I sat down in it tonight and she came in and said, “I don’t want to rock, just put me in my big bed!” 8:58 p.m.
I almost cried. Wow. I like giving away baby stuff; and i love the talking and doing things for themselves stage; but I wasn’t quite ready for that. Then I prayed for her and was saying good night and she said, “You aren’t going to rock me??” So, we did our normal little routine ending in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. 8:59 p.m.
I have some absolutely adorable pictures to post but I don’t have time tonight, hopefully tomorrow. Yemi turns 3 on Saturday and we’ll be celebrating all weekend. She said she wants a donut, a cookie, and a cupcake for her birthday….she is SO my daughter. She is getting a Sesame Street floor puzzle and a really cool magnetic Usbourne puzzle book with a little brown girl named Abi in it that you get to dress in all kinds of stuff…Oops, I’m a bit over my time. 9:01 p.m. Gotta go! Enjoy the cute pics!
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Making a CD and Much More…

I knew when I started recording this CD that God was up to something. I knew it had very little to do with music.

So, I went into it with a little bit of fear and trembling, because I had some clues of what He was thinking. And here we are with just a couple of sessions left (for me anyway, I’m sure there is a lot of work left for others to do!), and I’m seeing some glorious stuff! Well, God being glorious; me, not so much, as you will see if you continue reading.
I wanted to share three things that God is showing me through making this CD.
#1- He doesn’t need me to make a CD, and I do not need to make a CD. It is not a need in any way, shape, or form. The need is this: To learn some things about myself and about how to please Him better with my life; to just obey even if I don’t see a good reason to do it. I think, “I probably won’t even do any concerts. I probably won’t even sell any CDs, ” and He is saying that isn’t the point. The point is that I obey. And so, He provides the opportunities that will teach me these lessons.
#2- This is about the process, not the outcome. As in SO many other things in my life, God is concerned with HOW I do things, HOW I respond, more than actually WHAT I do. From the beginning of this project I have known that I was going to be given opportunities to handle frustration or difficulties. What a great object lesson for life! To realize that whatever happens, our attitude and faithfulness to praise Him/pray/love others/forgive is much more important than the action we were doing when that opportunity arose…whether that was getting groceries or working in a village in Africa! Therefore, I have learned that I am not a very grace-filled person. I’ll give…until I’m done. Today I see a clear message from God: We can never give too much grace. There will never be a time that we are too kind and generous. Sure, we might have to make better decisions about who we work with, etc., next time, but for this time, for right now, let’s see if we regret ever giving too much grace. I don’t think it’ll happen. (And by the way, I would never want to work with anyone other than the people I am working on with this CD! I was just playing out the example a bit.)
#3- Being in ministry and sort of on church staff for the past decade, I have seen many wonderful, beautiful people doing many wonderful, beautiful things. But I have also seen one thing almost always rear its ugly head…and that is this innate, protective, cloaked in a sense of responsibility, PRIDE. Pride is not necessarily thinking you are important or great or that God couldn’t go on without you. Pride is WANTING to be important or great or invaluable to God, or wanting your church or ministry to be important, great, or invaluable to God. Pride can come in the form of being aggravated at others for not being as involved as you are in your particular ministry. Pride can come in the form of complaining that others are just not as committed or caring or sacrificial as you are. Pride can come in the form of you staying up all night to do a church project alone, because you feel responsible that it happens. Pride is there when we feel the need to protect our spiritual reputation, when we’re afraid to say something in small group because we don’t want to look like we are spiritually clueless, when we shrink back from asking someone to pray for us because we think they’ll think something that is not true about us…that they’ll think the worst when really it was a kind of small thing.
I don’t think we get burnt out because there are so many people to pray for, minister to, or organize. I think we get burnt out because we begin to prioritize some things God never told us to prioritize, in our hearts, in our souls. We set goals and set our focus on lesser things than knowing Jesus and loving others. We receive a sense of responsibility that is really just condemnation because we think “our thing” needs to look like this and do these things…and our drivenness does nothing but drive others away. The fact is, and this is just a word of warning to myself as much as anyone else, we must be obedient and focused on what God tells us to do each season of our lives and TRUST that HE will take care of the results even if what He is saying seems so small and quite frankly, not a ladder to success. Spurring others on is part of it, for sure…but never ever ever ever ever for the sake of our ministry thriving or our church growing or for the identity and security of those who call themselves our shepherds. Spurring others on toward Jesus should have one goal: Those people being left in His hands for Him to tell what to do. And He may tell them to leave. It’s okay. If it’s not okay, then we are feeling the result of pride.
So, how this relates to the CD is that I have seen and fallen into these traps before, and I sense I could easily fall into it again by thinking that this CD is super important and worth being driven about, out of some warped understanding of the responsibility that I DO have to obey. Whether its a church or a ministry or an orphanage or my money or this CD, its not that I don’t care. Its not that I don’t think its a worthwhile undertaking. It’s a priority because I was told to do it, but it’s not more important or valuable than any other thing I am called to do such as make lunch every day for my family or pray for people God puts on my heart. In our hearts, I think we must come to grips with the facts that these things entrusted to us are not ours to be a part of our legacy, reputation, or story, and that they are not for us. It sounds like death to self and it is! But do you see what happens through this death, through saying farewell to all that self interest and self entrenched God-following, all that trying to impress God? When that death happens, we are set free to obey with a carefree spirit because we are no longer loaded down by the things that made our callings sort of scary and anxious and hard.
I think that’s the point. Going about obedience in a childlike, carefree way. He didn’t tell us to do things and to do them in certain ways to lay a heavy burden on us. He didn’t tell us, “Go do this and impress me!” He certainly didn’t say, “This is your baby. You’ve got one shot to get it right.” We can be carefree as we obey because we are doing our part and we have crucified the part of us that is pridefully interested in the results.
As you can see, I am learning a lot about myself…and doing quite a bit of repenting, which is an enormous gift in itself. I have nothing if I don’t have repentance. I am convinced all I have to offer God is my faith (which He produced in me to offer to Him), and all I have to offer others is my honesty.
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Renewing Our Minds Daily

Have you ever felt like yesterday was a completely different decade than today? Like you had this great day where the things you needed to do, you did with energy and joy; the people you needed to deal with, you dealt with with patience and love; the self-control you wanted to have was there when you needed it…and then you wake up the next day and it’s like you cannot find that person in there. You thought certain struggles were over and there they are again. I personally would like to just drop the whole sleep thing sometimes because it takes me so long to get back in the groove and sometimes I can’t ever seem to get back to what I stumbled upon…be it a good voice day, a good hair day, or a really hearing from God day. Is it just me that is so inconsistent and forgetful? I honestly have felt like the girl on 50 First Dates many times with God. That’s why I journal, and I’m not kidding!
I have always known that I struggle with trying to be good and get things done on my own, knowing full well that even in my best effort it is God who truly gives any strength or success. I tend to rely heavily on my efforts and discipline and whatever it takes to do something I set out to do. But I always inevitably fall flat on my face, as I was saying in the paragraph before. I had it…then I lost it…you get the picture. So you can know I am not trying to make this sound like an easy fix when I say that if I am clueing in to anything, I am seeing this: I must must MUST renew my mind everyday. I must come to the Lord to be filled–emptied of self, aware of my absolute lack of goodness, and absolutely surrendering my control and opinions–and then filled with TRUTH everyday. Yesterday’s mercies will not do for today. I need a fresh awakening to Who this Person is dwelling inside me.
Somehow I have wisdom and joy and contentment when I do not hit the ground running in the morning hoping I will naturally evolve into a good natured focused person, but instead running to the Source of my everything…Yes, first, but then all day. All day. We have battles to fight. Not with people, but with the enemy…against lies and suggestions that set themselves up against the knowledge of Christ (ask God to show you and He will)…against distractions that are not necessarily sins but will literally keep us from our callings and commitments to Jesus if we don’t recognize them and choose the beneficial over the permissible. (That last sentence was partly from a book I am reading right now Made To Crave by Lysa TerKaust. Incredible book!!!) That doesn’t mean every day is going to be an awesome day or we’ll be in great moods every day. I’m just seeing that I am not a slave to whatever I wake up to.
Even in my easy little life, I don’t have what it takes to fight my battles and run this race. Even if I did on the outside, there is no way, absolutely no way, that I am comprehending and obeying all that the Lord has for me. I get this sense right now that He is waiting on us, so that He can move us on…and all this time we thought we were waiting on Him. He is waiting on me to come to Him, be renewed daily, be full of His truth and surrendered to His Spirit…so that He can continue His work in me and take me deeper. Sometimes we are bored in our walk with Him…or at least I am…and I see so clearly now that He is waiting to take me places with Him I have never dreamed of. Sometimes I am just lazy in my walk with Him. It is good to see these things about myself! I long to have a consistent passion for Him like He deserves…and if that comes, it will come by letting every day be new and doing the work all over again of settling my heart and mind in His Presence, even if it is just for that day.
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Believing

God is good. God is personal. And God is completely in control.

As I have grown older, these three things have slowly but surely come into question. Really without me noticing, as unexpected difficulties, failures, heart breaking knowledge of worldwide issues, and strange seasons of my life came and went, I did not lose my faith in God but I lost my faith in God’s character.
I have stubbornly held onto faith and the grace of the cross, the Word, obedience and a prayer life, and my hope of Jesus’s return. But I didn’t realize until this past year that I had wandered from these rock solid pieces of His character–that He is good , that He is personal, and that He is completely in control. It actually hurt to believe these things. It hurt to say them to other people. It hurt to find out that I didn’t believe them like I used to. Because if I believe He is truly good, then I must believe that everything He allows into our lives He sees as good at least in the end. If I believe He is truly personal, then that means that He is fully “in the know”, nothing escapes His view. And if I believe He is truly in complete control, then we all have a lot of questions.
I’m sure I have even doubted if He loves us. Really.
And I want to say three things about these confessions…
#1 The enemy of our souls loves it when we use “sight” (or the lack of it) to rearrange our faith. I was reading in a Martha Kilpatrick Bible study about how Satan used those lies on Eve in the garden…”God is withholding something from you, so He’s not good. There won’t be consequences for this, because He’s not really in control.” Somebody has won when we start basing our lives on these suggestions, and it isn’t God…and it isn’t us either.
#2 Faith is a choice, and we aren’t forced into the fold. He is generous and kind, but I think He is heartbroken that people such as myself are saying we love Him but are not believing–really deep down– these basics of His character! I am telling you now, I want to be one of those fools out there believing God is good, all powerful, and present, standing in the middle of tsunami damage, standing in the middle of war, poverty, come what may. Because He is. And when the day comes that He explains Himself, not that He has to, but if He does, I want to have been on His side! I want to have been faith-full.
#3 As completely against American culture as this is, life becomes much, much simpler and we become much more content when we believe–by faith, by ridiculous faith–that He always is and always will be these things I have mentioned. Why? Because we can enter into His rest. Faith is a sanctuary for the foolish. Let them say it; it’s true! We enter into a rest that the world can never have when we believe His Word and His character. All of a sudden things are clearer, because we see what is our responsibility and what is not.
#4 One more thing that may help explain–or dare I say make it easier to believe–these things about God is that contrary to popular opinion, and contrary to the beliefs of my first, um, 32 or so years of life, God’s greatest intentions and plans and purposes aren’t exactly about us or for us. They are for His Son, Jesus. Again, I must mention Martha because she has taught me so much. She says she used to think: “God loves me and has a great plan for my life.” Then she says, “But while those things are true, now I believe a little different. What I see my focus should be on now is that God loves His Son and has a great plan for His Son. I fit into that plan but it isn’t for me or about me.” I think of the song I wrote: “You’re writing my history one word at a time with Your glory in mind, and that’s okay with me.” It wasn’t necessarily wrong, but for me, I am with Martha. When I first heard her say this, I thought, “Isn’t that the same thing??? His plan for my life was supposed to be all about Him.” But I get it now. The focus was still on MY life. What God would do with Lyndsay Taylor…my legacy, the impressions I left behind, my effectiveness. The Holy Spirit had to explain to me the difference. The difference is wonderful, and leaves a lot of room for the beauty of community instead of individualism, the beauty of humility instead of pride, the beauty of equality instead of competition in the church body.
Let us wait up all night for the Bridegroom, lamps full. It’s a long night ahead and we need grace to believe the best about Him. He will certainly surpass our greatest hopes.