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Ah…Breathing Again

I have no idea what I have learned from the past two or three weeks. It’s just been weird and a blur and I would like to be able to say that I handled it well. Instead, I’m exhausted and just now beginning to resurface.

Okay, that may be a little overdramatic! But I am honest in saying that I have to look at my calendar to remember what happened!
So…it all started in an effort to be open minded. That was my first mistake, haha. Jack and I love the idea of moving and starting fresh somewhere; we love the idea of doing a ministry together; we are dreamers and adventurers and sometimes you get tired of talking and you say, “Let’s do it! Why not now?”
We have looked at a couple opportunities, which interviews went pretty far, only to spend weeks praying, journaling, discussing until we’re sick of talking, making pros and cons lists, and even making some preparations to move, seemingly for nothing. I had a hard time sleeping and my biggest regret is I had a hard time connecting with the Lord. I felt chaotic inside as these decisions were being worked through and I hated it; yet I wanted to be open minded enough to consider these changes, because they were opportunities that I really could see us doing someday and we both are kind of looking for a change. I couldn’t say: “God is telling us to do this.” But I shy away from saying that like I used to. Did God tell me to do Sister Bridge or make this CD? I don’t know! I prayed for years about these things and the desire didn’t leave and the opportunity came. Same with adoption, homeschooling, and many other things I’ve committed to.
So I’m breathing again because of the two things I was able to articulate with some of my students today with their help (the adult ones, haha! I don’t usually verbally process to my elementary age piano kids!)
#1 I feel like I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a season change, that God is not asking me for a season change yet. Pursuing Him, focusing on my marriage and kids and home, is truly a full time job. I wasn’t looking for more, and when “more” came knocking, it was not necessarily tempting, it was just that I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being closed minded if it was the Lord. But I think, THINK, that God is saying if we move it needs to be for Jack’s job/calling, not mine, because mine is non-negotiable right now. As much as I love missions, adoption, worship leading, singing/songwriting, etc., I can only do those things so much as they take their place in priority well under those other things I mentioned. I feel a peace in my spirit about that and am going with it!
#2 If I am wrong and I am just throwing away opportunities to do some neat stuff where the Lord would work past my limits and through my weaknesses, which I know for sure He CAN do, then I will simply miss out. I am choosing to take that risk. I know He sees my heart and my motives are pure, to the best of my knowledge. If I can’t handle what other women handle in their schedules or hearts or minds, who cares? I have to live by MY limits, meaning when I get to the place where I am missing HIM in the fullness I could have Him in, and I am missing my husband and kids in the fullness I could offer to them, which happens to me often, then I have to take a big step back and make sure I am being faithful to the calling I have received. So, all that to say, I may be missing the mark big time, but if I am, I am doing it for Him. I just can’t take the risk of missing what matters most.
It bothers me that during these days of decision making, I felt so distant and dizzy. Surely God didn’t want me looking at anything or anyone but Him during these days…but I just couldn’t think or see straight. Hope God has mercy on my pitiful self when I really do have to make a big life change! 🙂
But for the time being, whether we move or not is uncertain, but I do know I am not open to anything that would feel like it was a stumbling block to that which I refuse to lose in the shuffle. I heard the quote somewhere that when your priorities are clear, your decisions are easy. Wish I would have remembered that 2 weeks ago.
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Breathing Out Gratefulness Today

I am truly breathing out gratefulness today. I have a blurry mind full of bits and pieces of images, words, and feelings, but it’s all good. I’m thinking about how girls in Bible study last night said that beauty is defined to them as “inner peace in the midst of chaos”, that huge smile Yemi gave me when she turned around in her stroller to look at me today, and the wonderful feeling of my soft blankets which I crashed in just a bit ago!

It crosses my mind often: I live a charmed life! It is so cool to be able to like what you have and love where you are and what you’re doing. I am obviously so blessed to have 2 healthy and radiant daughters, much more energy and health than I have had in years, a wonderful and supportive extended family, my dear husband, and the list truly does go on. But it does occur to me that there have been plenty of seasons of life where I had lots of beautiful God gifts in my life but still was hoping for one thing more, one something more.
I am just breathing out gratefulness today because God has given me the grace and peace to live MY life, which means to me that I am accepting and trying to give my best to what He has clearly put in my lap. I’m not looking for more, and I am not searching for my importance by finding more to invest in. Maybe you’ve always been there, but little Miss Overachiever here did not always know that peace and rest in my soul. What’s really neat, too, is that as knowing Jesus takes first place in what I really care about, a relaxation settles in about the other things I am called to do. It’s not that those things (singing, making the CD, Sister Bridge, being a mom and wife) aren’t important or that I don’t care about them, it’s just I realize they are not MINE. They really are God’s and for His sake. When we aren’t concerned about our legacy or reputation anymore, the floodgates of freedom really do open wide! Freedom to just want Him, not get “our panties in a wad” about things, even good God things, and freedom to let Him do what He wants through us as our eyes are elsewhere…
Maybe it’s kind of like baseball. I never was good at hitting the ball. When people said, “Keep your eye on the ball”, I really wanted to hit them instead of the ball. ARGH! I mean, what does that mean??? Anyway, supposedly if you had your eye only on the ball, you could trust that your arms and the bat and whatever must move to hit the ball would swing around and do its job naturally. But your attention needed to be solely on that ball. Not on your arms or the bat. Same with Jesus. When our goal is to seek His face and know Him better every day, everything else falls into place. I am learning to not keep track or look at what I’m “doing for the Lord”. I can hardly stand to even write those words because it’s just not like that anymore, thank the Lord! I get far too impressed with myself, or far too upset with myself, and God wants our attention on Him, not ourselves. I’d really like to go through life oblivious and unaware, trusting that as I continually am emptied of myself (sin, opinions, hardheaded ways) and then filled with Him in a living and genuine way, that HE will have freedom to use my life (and I don’t have to know about it.)
Well, thanks for reading…More from Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow next. It is such a good book about being the wife God is calling me to be. 🙂
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Sister Bridge

There are several things that I really love and it is super fun and exciting when those things collide. Sister Bridge is a collision of many favorites: I love the nations and missions, I love beautiful material, purses, natural looking jewelry, and quilts, and I love sisters in Christ standing together and helping one another out!

There are such amazing ministries and devoted missionaries out there who are living among the poor, the least of these, widows, and orphans. I love sponsorship, adoption, and mission trips…but there’s always need, therefore there’s always more room for great ideas! And I’ve had the desire for a long time to be a representative or “middle-woman” you could say between these ministries/missionaries with good ideas and the people they are helping and everyone here in my small circle of friends and family. I’ve always wanted to be a voice, and I just had to “die” to it. All the talking, blogging, song-writing, singing, wanting to do something…God definitely wanted me to lay it down and stop worshipping the desire to be useful. And laid down it was.
When all of a sudden this summer I had the opportunities fall in my lap to start connecting with these ministries that gave a skill and an income to at-risk women in three countries, I was surprised! But the timing was right. It is such a joy to just enjoy this, and let God build the house. I want to be really clear that Sister Bridge is nothing more than an idea and I needed a quick noun to say “the people that get the inventory and organize selling it to people in the U.S., connecting women to women all around the world!” You can simply go through Sister Bridge to help these women in Cambodia, Indonesia, and Swaziland…OR you can go online yourself and purchase things! (The Cambodia one, not yet, but hopefully soon we can help them make a website/shipping availability).
As I said, all we are doing is getting the inventory here and keeping track of the money getting back to the ministries. NO ONE profits from this except for the women themselves, and these organizations reaching out to them are fantastic. If you are interested in the 3 ministries and want links to their websites, just check out Facebook.com/SisterBridge. We have items to sell especially in this time of year when people are shopping for Christmas gifts; not sure what inventory we will keep after that. We can give you everything you need to have a party or just bring to your small group, bunco, girls night out, whatever. The items are gorgeous, incredibly reasonable in price (most things are under $20), and original…not to mention the point here: partnership with women who are so much like us who simply do not have the same opportunity for their needs to be met.
I pray Sister Bridge can truly be a bridge between “us” and “them”, connecting us until we really do live with equality on our minds and compassion in our hearts. This desire to make a difference, or “do something”, is a journey of our own hearts and minds changing. There is no quick leap. And living how we live, surrounded by this constant slurring of our needs and wants, sometimes it feels impossible to ever cross that bridge! I don’t believe in just “doing something”; His sheep must know His voice. If helping women in this tangible way is something you’d like to do this season, just contact me and we can help make it happen.
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Health Stuff

It is about time to change my blog picture! No more running through the slip and slide…however, I think yesterday it would have been okay, since it was at least 80 degrees! You won’t find me complaining…til January! No, I have every intention to enjoy all the seasons, even if I have the personal opinion that winter takes over too much of the year!

Anyway, just wanted to write about my pursuit of healthiness today. A long time ago, I wanted to do some nutrition info groups at my house and blog more often about the things I had learned, things that got me back into the land of the living! But honestly, January through May 2011, I felt like crud again and didn’t have much passion to share anything with anybody! Then in June, I started feeling so much better, started waking up early and going running 5 mornings a week, and just all kinds of amazing differences. So, I just wanted to briefly share encouragement of how that came to be in case anyone else needs a little hope…
First of all, Jesus. Always it’s going to be: First of all, Jesus. Surrendering my health and future to Him, going through the process of accepting whatever He chose for “my” life which is really His, was a huge part of my journey. Before I got better, I truly had peace that my life was just as valuable and full in bed as it is up and doing all these things, because my LIFE is hidden in Christ and cannot be touched by the things of the physical realm. Amen! Coming to this truth is a long journey that I am still on.
Secondly, I read a book “Tired of Being Tired” by Jesse Lynn Hanley and saw Shelly Roby at Nova Medicine in E-town. I began to live by the knowledge (not perfectly at all, but applying what I could) and taking special pharmaceutical grade supplements that Shelly saw through my blood work that I was depleted of. I did this for a year before I saw improvement, but now I am so glad I persevered! I know now that our food just does not have the nutrients in it that we need, so I eat incredibly well plus take these things. The cost is so much lower than meds I was taking…and I am on NO prescriptions now.
Third, I read (so randomly it seems but it was the hand of God) this tiny paragraph that said, “Sometimes patients who have underwent gall bladder surgery need to be cleansed of the toxins introduced to their bodies under anesthesia. They simply need to do a liver cleanse and take Kyolic garlic supplements in large quantities.” OH MY GOSH. I thought, “How amazing would that be if it worked?” I had that surgery in Africa in 2000. I did what the book said, and that is really when I started to see improvement, in about 4 weeks. I felt so well I literally began running 5k’s. I definitely still need 11 hours of sleep a night or I crash back into all the old symptoms, and I must continue in all the other therapy included in the book “Tired of Being Tired”, but everything is manageable usually if I do what I know.
For anyone tired, not sleeping well, overweight, sick often…read that book! It’s like $4 on Amazon! I have definitely learned how important it is to invest in my health, because I’m not sure how other people are, but I struggle emotionally, socially, spiritually, and mentally if my physical stuff is a wreck. If I haven’t gotten enough sleep, I make poor food choices, I’m more likely to feel depressed, I do not have perspective with my husband and kids, and then I’m an emotional mess. It’s like I can choose to live in a pit and live my life always climbing out of it…OR I can avoid the pit altogether as often as possible. Disciplines like time with God, exercise, and eating healthy don’t always feel like they fit in my “I just wanna be carefree” mood…however, by doing these things, I am much more carefree!
It’s definitely a passion of mine to share these tiny tidbits I have learned with women who are not getting to live up to their potential, so if you are reading this and want to talk about any part of it, I am available!! Just let me know, and we’ll do this together. 🙂
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Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow

I have had this book Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow on my shelf for many years, and have read it many times. If nothing comes of all of this moving stuff around, and we stay here in this house another decade, finding this book will have been worth the mess! I was -okay, am- finding myself in a difficult season of marriage. We are going on 11 years! Yay Us! But certain things in our relationship that are steady and constant are not very good things, and certain things that are good are not steady and constant. I bet you know what I mean.

So I needed a good dose of truth. A talk with a friend really helped me realize some things about myself and brought some perspective. It was hard to talk about it, because I know I am blessed and don’t like to be negative and complaining. But sometimes it is just good to hear myself say certain things out loud and look at them out there in the air…I needed to remember I am responsible for myself, my reactions, my heart attitude, and that I must stay in total humility and desperation before Jesus because I do not love my husband like I should, but HE DOES! Hallelujah! And when I don’t love my husband like I should it is not because of my husband, friends, it is because of me. Regardless of the details, Jesus can give me love to give, but I have to do the work to stay in that place of receiving (so that I can give).
So, this book…Yes, that’s the thing I want to share. This one paragraph says so much. Chapter One excerpt:
“Yes, there are frustrated wives, just as there are frustrated engineers, airplane pilots, and karate instructors. But the frustration does not stem from the nature of the work; rather, it comes from the boredom inevitable in any job done poorly or unimaginatively. (OUCH and HELLO!!! I like this woman. She’s a truth-teller.) A creative counterpart is more than just a helper. She is a woman who, having chosen (or having found herself in) the vocation of wife and mother, decides to learn and grow in all the areas of this role and to work as hard as if she were aiming for the presidency of a corporation.”
The fact is, I did sign up for this. No one forced me to marry, and no one forced me to marry the specific man I married. I am so lucky to have had that choice and my daughters will have that choice as well. Maybe we chose or will choose other vocations as well, but that doesn’t mean that we are not responsible for being excellent at this particular vocation of wife or mother or just woman. It’s a beautiful task. Women are amazing, and I want to keep perpetuating that good image, especially in a world where men and women alike value women by their weight, looks, or accomplishments outside the home. Hey, I think weight, looks, and accomplishments outside the home are fine and dandy…but they are not the most important thing, by far! We can, by God’s grace, be professionals at this. I am encouraged and challenged by this!
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Secret Place: The Job of Our Lives

I am just struck tonight by a secret that I don’t want to keep secret. There is a secret place, and those of us who are “in Christ” know this…we know that we could be in a living hell on earth but we have a Life hidden with God in Christ, and that life can ALWAYS be thriving, abundant, lush, full of laughter and pure joy. Our Life makes us strong and shining in our life, if we develop this Life. It’s a secret place, we go there alone; it’s the throne of God, the lap of God, the face of God. Friends can remind us of that place, oh thank the Lord for friends that draw us to remember or find this intimacy with our Father, but we go there alone. We look eye to eye with Him, and by faith, we dwell there. We connect, like when you lay down next to your child or spouse or dog (haha) and just have some face time. And this is where we draw our strength, perspective, focus, and LIFE.

It’s like finding out you won a million bucks, going to sleep, and when you wake up, you remember you won million bucks yesterday! It wasn’t a dream. YAY! That’s how the secret place is. There is relief, there is always good news, there is something beyond all this, and we have it right now. WOW! Life gets so hectic and troublesome, and I mess up so very much, and I’m so tired of myself…and I want some relief. I go to the Lord and lay myself before Him in the secret place, and it’s an oasis for my spirit! I go and I say, “Jesus, I don’t have to feel anything, I come by faith! I want to give myself to YOU, You don’t have to give anything to me!” But He does. He leads us beside still waters, He restores our soul. There really is a hiding place, an oasis…we can wake up from the sometimes bad dream of life and enter into our eternal life, anytime, any place, through intimacy and connection to His Word, praising Him, repentance, surrender, talking, listening, teaching, friends who love Him.
Keeping our life consumed with Jesus is THE job of our lives. I personally don’t have room to get caught up with anything else, if I am going to make knowing Him the job of my life. I do other things, I care about other things, hopefully all that He has told me to do and care about, but those things ARE NOT the job of my life. Those things are just…obedience…they’ll come and go. They’re passing. I wasn’t created for them. I used to think that stuff for God, stuff that was about God and His people, and knowing God personally was the same effort, the same job. Oops! It sure does take a load off when you can obey the Lord without all that burden. The job of my life is to know Him and believe Him, and while that is not heavy, it is all consuming work.
One thing I run to the Lord and hide from is myself. I just want to be so honest here. When I write a blog or talk at a concert or something, I am always honest and I am always 100% myself. But most likely when I am writing or talking or singing, I have just come from having intense and intentional times with the Lord, I am somewhat drunk in the Spirit, and if you see freedom, or confidence, or joy, or truth, you are seeing Jesus. Sometimes I am consistent with this “being intentional” with the Lord, and I am very blessed when He helps me do that. I love those steady times, such ground gets covered, oh it’s just so wonderful and I’m an idiot to not continue in it! But many other times, I’m sitting in a pit, and I’m a fool. A literal, biblical fool. The good news is, despite my example, we ALL have the opportunity offered to us to have the most fantastic relationship with God EVER MADE, if we will go with Him and make it. We can go where “no man has gone before”…if we want.
I wrote a song in the past month and I don’t really like it, but there’s one line I love. It says: “I am ruined for anything less, I am ruined for anything less than the fullness.” Yeah. May we be ruined for anything less. Unable to go back after what we have experienced in Christ. Lose our appetite for the world. Move on past baby milk, move on past old sins. Crave repentance and obedience and God’s delight in us, and not have room for craving other’s attention, approval, and applause. Forget that stuff ever ruled us. Amen.
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Content to Go, Content to Stay

It really has been a long time since I blogged! Usually Monday evenings are my only chance to write (and do many other things!) since my mom and dad take my girls for the night. Yay! I absolutely love having them home, but it is definitely nice to have 24 hours to do other things. Like clean the basement where 1/4 of it was gutted due to mold, prepare for leading songs at Open House on Saturday, get stuff in piles for Goodwill, go for a walk…You get the picture.

So, of all the things rolling around in my mind, what do I actually want to write about?
I will tell you that last week we prayed about moving to Cincinnati. Jack really wants to be back in youth or college-age ministry, and we have always talked about being open to moving. Now when it got down to it, when we truly were considering the move, it was so overwhelming. How do you do it? Oh my gosh! I had visions of myself grabbing onto the front step and not letting go. I thought, “What about that playground we just built outside one year ago? Okay. That settles it. We cannot leave it there all alone!!” But of course the realistic sacrifice, the hardest thing to let go of, are our family and friends. Grandad in the nursing home, Jack’s mom rarely in good health, my mom and dad, their closeness to our girls, friends who are family. Not that any of the family needs us; we are not in that kind of position or relationship where anyone depends on us, but just being around, mainly for them to get hugs from grandkids, is what makes my heart hurt when I really think about moving. And Cincinnati was just a couple hours up the road!
Jack said no to the position…Just was not the right thing at the right time. But at the same time we were discussing that possible move, we had sent off our resume and application to a nondenominational Christian boarding school/academy in Texas. With all the pulling on my heart strings aside, I absolutely love the idea of moving to live at this place! It really would be a fun adventure for our family, all of our needs met, including school for the girls if we decided to let them go instead of homeschool some day. The job is resident parents, and we would live with 8 other kids/teens. Today we got an email saying they would like to have a “phone visit”.
I don’t begin to think I know what will come of this. There’s a part of me that says, “Are ya crazy? Why would you leave when you are so loved here?” but then there’s another part of me that says, “But Jack isn’t getting to do what he loves here, OR be with his family much for that matter, and it is awesome to know that we are free to go…and come back, too, if we want to.” I can honestly say I am happy here, and have a very full life. But certain ideas would get me out of here in an instant, such as the idea of starting a home or care point for street kids in Ethiopia, or something where as a family we are getting to be ourselves, use our gifts, and share Jesus with people who need Him. I don’t know if the Texas thing fits that or not. I know that my love of discipleship, parenting, teaching, and singing would all come in handy, plus my desire to keep learning Spanish. I love the idea of my family getting out the crudilicious Ohio Valley and be free from many allergies. My family would get to live on a farm and have lots of cool opportunities. This is a part of me that I can’t escape: I love love love the idea of living with the people I am called to. When I was a missionary, that was basically my only request. I needed my own space to call my own, just a room and a door because I know I’m an introvert and have to hide away sometimes, but I did not want to drive across town to be with my people. I wanted to do what they did, live, speak, eat, suffer, celebrate, just like them. I didn’t need to be taught that in mission school; God gave me that instinct and I still have it. I think it’s important in making a decision to see if what you’re considering goes along with some core parts of who you are.
Of course, being married that can be quite tricky! I require sunshine, I really do–Jack hates hot climates. I am drawn to international places, poor, dirty–Jack? Not so much. But he balances me out, and I absolutely trust that God brought us together as a check and balance. If we are both walking with God, He will lead the way. I really am content to go, content to stay. My great adventure is Jesus Himself, not where He leads or what He does through me.
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A New Day…Tomorrow?

I have a lot to do today…and just spent an hour on the couch watching the latest episode of Drop Dead Diva and eating cookies…so I will write quickly. 🙂 The past week and a half has been such a blur for me. I really really really want to get back on my feet again, and several times I thought I was but fell down again. Not literally. That would be funny though.

Basically a week and a half ago, we gutted a part of our basement which had mold and I’ve been sleeping in Selah’s room upstairs ever since. I’ve felt tired, haven’t been making the best choices (hence the cookies), and just feel overwhelmed. Today’s Monday and I was thinking that today would start fresh and new, but I guess my whole family is zonked because we all slept 12 hours last night and weren’t exactly shining this morning.
Anyway, one thing that I am truly excited yet also overwhelmed about is that Jack and I, after so many years of talking about it, are applying for ministry positions that would take us out of Kentucky. I swing from side to side on the pendulum, thinking, “Why would we do that? because our friends and church and family are here! That’s crazy!” to “We don’t want to feel stuck in this house and this job. We want Jack to get to spend his work hours on things he cares about and is gifted in. We want to go on adventures to make us stronger as a family and couple. We don’t want to have regrets; we want our kids to have a variety of experiences!”
So, you know, I am so excited about this possibly actually happening…So excited about what may be out there for us. After what we have been through the past few years, just to imagine that way of life really being a thing of the past thrills me. Sickness and bad work experience gone. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Already, this summer has amazed me. Getting to make this CD, getting to do such fun things with my kids, getting to homeschool and be involved in enrichment, getting to lead worship at church sometimes…those were all things I had completely died to. I surrendered them and did not expect them to come back around, but God had perfect timing. In fact, when they came back around, they came back to an entirely new person. The absence of all of those things changed me, because I found the Lord in such a fresh all consuming way. He is my Life, and all these details of what I’m involved in and how I spend my time are led by Him, but they are not my life. They are not my priority or the real meat of my existence. They’re just what I do with this body as He fills it. That may sound really strange, but to me it changes everything.
So, back to being overwhelmed…I just need a few faithful days under my belt, days where by God’s dwelling in me I make good choices and lead my self into submission. I wrote myself a note one day a while back, saying, “How about if you just stop falling into the pit in the first place, friend? Then you won’t have to do all this work to get out of it.” Duh, right? This one took me by surprise, and I definitely feel a Hand reaching down to help. The knowledge that I cannot stand on my own two feet is a remarkable help because it reminds me to come to Him instead of muster up something good in me…
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Yemi and the Terrible Threes

Hello world. From inside my house today I have looked out yet not dared to go out. I have been tired and achy since doing a lot of work on Labor Day Weekend (haha–laboring on Labor Day, how funny), and wondering if it’s allergies because I am allergic to both mold and everything useful for killing it (that’s the labor we did–ugh), not to mention the cold and dreary rain globe we’re in…But regardless of what causes my desire to stay in and warm and dry and on the couch, we blew off church tonight to do so.

We have our first enrichment homeschooling thingy in the morning, and I am SO excited! Praying I feel awake and well enough to do it! I believe I will, and I plan to be in bed super early tonight to help that happen. But what I want to vent about tonight is Yemi and her bad case of the terrible threes. I am so completely frustrated. I’m frustrated because it is not just random events or traits that just come out at certain times in certain situations. I’m frustrated because I really don’t know what to do in response anymore. I’m frustrated because I keep swinging from one extreme to the other—I’m either really kind or really not.
Honestly, the biggest problem is that she is immature. She’s three, and I’m not around a lot of three year olds, so it’s probably me more than her. I am simply so tired of her whining, crying, and begging to watch TV; I’m tired of her pooping in her pants and then saying it was an accident and that she’ll never do it again (shut up, it’s not funny!); I’m tired of her simply not caring about things I think she should care about. I wonder if she’s not getting enough attention and if homeschooling Selah is hard on her, and I bet it is, but either way, she is not adjusting and Selah’s been home for 4 months. Sometimes I think she’s just living a blissfully ignorant little toddler life…why would she want to grow up? But most kids DO indeed want to grow up a little bit. They feel pride in themselves when they show self control or do something. Yemi. Does. Not. Care.
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It Is Worth It

Have you ever heard that song “I just can’t seem to get it right today…”? It’s on an iPad or some Apple product commercial I think. That is exactly how I feel about this entire week so far. When you consider time at the pediatrician’s office a good counseling session, you know things are rough!

I think I just feel that as I am feeling better and getting out into the social world again (Ah, it’s nice out there!), I might be getting out of balance. I might not be setting good enough boundaries. I don’t know. Only the Spirit of God can clue me in, and I know He will, and as I prayed about it this morning I had a peace in knowing that if I needed to, I could make about 4 phone calls and let go of everything that I have invited into my schedule. That’s nice to know.
But I think the deeper issue I’m experiencing–and this is just total honesty here because I don’t fear people’s opinions at all anymore–is that I am selfish and not content giving my full attention and giftings to these three people I have been entrusted with. I realized at Yemi’s 3 year check up today that perhaps why I am so frustrated with her and her little 3 year old behavior is because I want us all to co-exist in this house peaceably without me having to drop whatever else I’d rather be attending to. OUCH.
When I took 5 minutes to just lay in the bed alone with Yemi at her nap time today, I have never seen such smiles! (I mean, since 2 days ago when she had ice cream at her Mimi’s!) She is so good at playing alone that I guess I’ve gotten used to going about my merry way as well. Selah on the other hand is the same girl she was at birth; I can sum it up in one word. Demanding. So between Yemi really needing more attention from me and Selah needing to stop demanding more attention from me, I feel very alone and very thankful that I only have two kids! I don’t have someone rescuing me at dinnertime every night. Jack’s work schedule leaves me alone with the kids, let’s see, something like 24-6! It’s just me, and lately when someone asks me to do something (something that at some point I probably said, “Hey, if you need someone to do that sometime, give me a call”) I find myself obviously saying no but then also being a little peeved, like a cartoon character pops up in my mind and yells, “WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME?WHAT MORE COULD I GIVE???”
It’s like if I give someone milk at breakfast, you better not cross me by asking for juice instead. Watch yourselves! 🙂 Okay, joking aside, through my counseling session at the pediatrician’s office and blogging today, I can clearly see that I have gotten in over my head and my attention needs to come back home. It really gives me joy to know that God loves my family (and me) enough to demand our priorities get straight. I hate busyness and a full mind. I want my heart and mind open for the Lord at all times. I know there are tasks to fulfill, but if there really isn’t a time and space for those tasks, it is clearly not the right season for them. Pray for me and may God bless your homes and schedules, my friends!