Author: Lyndsay Taylor

“Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.”

Seal it, Lord! I let the world leak in and contaminate and clog up and break my heart. (SOS 8:6) My heart and my arm, my affections and my actions, are in great need of a Protector and Guide. It’s a daily sealing, isn’t it? It’s a daily binding. I know this…but somehow expect it to not be true.

I joke that I have a spiritual Alzheimer’s condition. I can be so full to overflowing with truth and confidence in the Lord–great perspective, by His grace having the ability to worship in difficult times, not making mountains out of molehills–and then all of a sudden, usually when I’m tired or when I’ve just been out in the world too much (as silly as that sounds), I am like a person in a maze wearing a mask over my eyes, stretching out arms like a beggar in the dark.

Could this be what most of the Old Testament is about, as the Israelites, the beloved vineyard of Creator God, stake their claim in Him with celebration and solemn vows only to say, as if coming out of a fog with that confused look in their eyes, “What were we supposed to be remembering?”

It’s like that movie 50 First Dates, at least for me. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to watch a video every morning reminding me of the truths that keep me afloat. It’s also like C.S. Lewis’s quote that went something like this: We daily have to be brainwashed. That may sound offensive, but not to me. Yes, Jesus, Living Word, wash my brain and re-train it every day because when You renew my mind all over again I truly am a new creation. And why in the world would I not want to take that offer and be a new creation, despite the work every morning to “recall to mind and therefore have hope…” (Lamentations 3:21)

We need a daily, fresh, current revelation of the love of God for us to live as overcomers. I’m not sure there is any other way. I’m so thankful for the ministers, writers, singers, friends, teachers, just honest people seeking God and sharing His revelations (what is on His heart) with others. They are the prophets of this day, reminding us who we are in Christ and who we can be if we fix our eyes on Him daily. But I am most grateful that while those prophets make a light bulb come on in our spirit, and help us out of the maze, God wants to reveal Himself clearly and personally to each of us, every day, every moment even!

“Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be

My life is full of ebb and flow, taking on too much, having to let stuff go after a season, trying to achieve this illusive thing called balance! This past year, as I’ve written about recently, was too much. I think since Jack was working 2nd shift it was easy for me to make a bunch of plans and stay busy, so that I didn’t see endless evenings alone with the kids stretch out before me! Also, as I’ve said, I felt so great and had lots of energy. Well, calming down and chilling out for the summer has been awesome. I am not afraid of days stretching out with no reason to leave the house or empty white squares on my day planner. Some of you are drooling from boredom, some of you are drooling from jealousy. 🙂 There is some madness in the last couple weeks of July, but that will be an isolated incident. I’m happy with what I’m not doing.

And of course, the things that I am doing. My prayer life, blogging, house work, more consistent home schooling, and paying attention to time-and-energy investments that I’m called to are happening and I’m very much at peace with my homebody-ness these days.

But here’s the hard side of letting go: The telling people, “Um…I got in over my head. I won’t be able to do that again this year. Here’s what I can do…Sorry!” The letting go of the money one was making, or the people one was pleasing? The letting go of the ministry that felt meaningful, or the part of the routine that one liked but couldn’t get to ever really work?

So, I was reminded today that it’s okay to say no or let go when the Lord leads us to. A few years ago, a group of home schoolers asked me to be their Spanish teacher and I said yes! Well, as I prayed about it and thought about my calendar, I realized I was going to be so stressed and just didn’t have peace about it working in. With my head low, I went back and apologized and got out of it several weeks before it started. When I did this, I was so surprised by the outcome! The mom in charge of hiring me said, “Wow. You know, I am so glad you came to me because I have felt the Lord telling me to quit this whole thing because it wasn’t what I was supposed to do with my kids this year, but I wouldn’t let it go. Thank you for being obedient; I will, too!” I was shocked!

A similar incident happened today, where the Lord had clearly went before me and paved the way for me to let go and have a simpler life. Simplicity is hard work. It’s a balancing act. It’s more “no’s” than “yes’s”, and it’s the right “no’s” and “yes’s”…led by the Holy Spirit, but probably not always getting it right either. I only have two children, but they have interests that I want to help them follow. They have school, enrichment, field trips, and they’ll have sports teams, lessons, friends, travel, church, and plays. I don’t think I want to offer them everything under the sun…or they’ll have a lot to unravel when they realize they can’t do it all.

Lord, teach us to order our days, hear the voice of our Shepherd, and humble ourselves when we’ve messed up and need to backtrack to a simpler life. Help us remove anything that keeps us from having daily communion with You. Show us if there is anything we refuse to let go of that You know we need to, for our good and Your purposes. Make spaces where there need to be spaces, and fill them with Yourself. Amen.

I woke up this morning, and I honestly did not want to get up. It was too early, but the girls were already awake and playing in their rooms. I tried to call to mind all the great things that would happen in the day (if I would just get up) but none of them sounded even remotely great! And guess Who showed up this morning, as John 14 says, “to remind (me) of everything (He) has taught (me)”?

I am finding myself living in John 14-17, ever since Lent. I do not move quickly. I’m trying to memorize these four chapters, because I want them to become a part of me. How I’ve longed for Jesus Himself to be the One to wake me in the morning, talk me down from ledges, give me that pep talk! And He says He is…through His equivalent, the Holy Spirit.

A couple of years ago I had a breakthrough in my heart, right in the middle of a breakdown in my body. At my worst in the adrenal fatigue and sleep disorder, in worship one day, the Lord said, “You are not a slave to what you wake up to.” All in one moment, I understood! My “day”, my attitude, my happiness, was not like a card I was dealt that I had to receive. Sure, I’m dealt a card (by the Lord) but that card is temporal physical realm stuff that does not have to affect or at least not crush the Life inside of me.  By the Holy Spirit’s power (translation: when you just utter the words, “Please help me, Holy Spirit, I cannot change myself but I want to have a good day”), we can be steadier than we imagined even though we wake up to a multitude of unsteady possibilities. I’m not a slave to how I feel, physically or emotionally, and I don’t have to go with a negative flow of people around me either.

This is good news for Mrs. Moody over here, who is married to Mr. Moody, and who happen to have two little Miss Moodies, one being adopted which proves it’s not necessarily hereditary, just HUMAN! He is stable…He is our stability. He is happy…He is our happiness. He is creative and energetic and ready for a new day…He is our creativity, energy, and excitement for life. He can do that in us, we just have to ask. He wants to! I believe He PROMISES fullness of life for our inner man, regardless of how the outer man might be failing (2 Corinthians 4:16: We don’t lose heart! Outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.) In all our desire for healing of these earthly physical problems we suffer from in our lives and those we love, I pray we never idolize that restoration more than the kind He clearly, always, longs to give to those who ask.

I can receive no credit for having one of the best, sweetest, memorable days with my daughters today! Morning meditations, Homeschool. playing outside in the water…and feeling that there was no where else I’d rather be and no one I’d rather be with. I can’t create that kind of peace and joy out of what I have to work with.  They are the fruits of the Spirit. I wouldn’t write about this if it were an isolated incident. Okay, whoopee, Lyndsay had a good day. No, I’m saying this is pretty much every day of my life! And for that, I say “Thank You, and WELCOME, Holy Spirit!!”

 My garden is very little, and all the plants are so small…but I have really enjoyed watching it grow. I love watering it, seeing it soak in the sunshine every day, and feeding it once a week. It’s just neat to see beautiful things happening with just a little water, sun, and attention.

 Jack dried green pepper seeds a while back, and we planted them right into the ground. I was kind of amazed to see them come up at all, but there are about 30 little seedlings. I’m pretty sure that’s not the way you’re supposed to do it…but we shall see!

 A pretty little row of cucumber plants, with the ever so important blossoms.

 Just pretty.

 First Fruits of our “labor”! I am so excited! This is a gorgeous little guy!

“You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.”
Gungor

Pretty vague title, I realize. So, I’ll spill the beans…my thoughts are about the desire to adopt again! There are many reasons why this may never happen, so let’s not get too excited, okay? (I was just talking to myself). The bottom line about this decision, far off as it may be, is if the Lord is specifically and strategically planning for us to bring another child into our family. It is not even an argument about adoption being a good thing, a topic on the very heart of God, and something all Christians should pray about…but just like i would tell any Christian, don’t do it until God is telling you specifically to.

I tell Selah all the time (she’s 7), “Selah, it would be a bigger help to me if you would do the things I ask you to do instead of ignore those things and pick out something else that you just think I want you to do.” So. How does one know? If the desire and idea is there, if there is excitement about it, if there is opportunity,  if there are resources,  if you know it is something God loves…that would seem to be enough, but it’s not. We have to know His voice personally about this, because He knows the end from the beginning. He has obviously given us part of His heart, His heart for the fatherless, but He gets to choose if that heart would be better used for adoption, for sponsoring lots of kids, for a different ministry altogether. That’s why He’s the One calling the shots. He knows the best way to make His stuff work out.

Right now, I believe I will bring the topic back up in January 2013 even though I hate to wait that long and at that time see how secure Jack’s job is, how my health is, and a list of other variables. There are rules to go by, and reasons why we may not even be eligible to adopt. One thing I want God to reveal specifically is: Are there callings and things in our lives that are not supposed to move aside for another child? For example, if I am led and given opportunity to sing a lot, or travel with a missions organization, or if I am just thoroughly swamped with my home and family, something would have to budge in order to handle another adoption and a third little person who will come with his or her challenges.

On the other hand, this is how I really feel:
To me, it’s a person and I’d much rather just go for it, knowing we are saving a life and showing God’s love to someone who may not know Him otherwise. I’d rather just jump in and deal with whatever challenges and changes may come, knowing this was more important. But the fact is, I don’t get to decide what is more important, because I can’t see the impact of my obedience. For example, if Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman adopted more special needs kids from China (because they had the heart, desire, opportunity, resources, etc) and they spent their lives caring for them, and it took all they had to do that, they would never have started Show Hope or Maria’s Big House. They had to LISTEN. They had to live the life they had, and I have to learn to do the same.

It is a good thing I’m not in charge.

There are a lot of things I want to write about. First of all, I have to say that I am reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and that is making me breathe deeper and think deeper, so I have a lot to say for the first time in a while. Secondly, my youngest (the hurricane, you know her, right?) she’s upstairs yelling, “Mommy! Mommy?” so my first of all and my secondly may just balance each other out.

There is a lot I want to write about, but first I think I’ll start with external and move inward! I am realizing that this past year has been a blur that I don’t want to repeat. I started feeling fabulous for the first time in like a decade last June, 2011. I began running miles daily out in the sunshine, taking on all kinds of projects, and just plain loving life like never before! Sister Bridge took so much of my Fall, as I was already homeschooling, doing Enrichment classes with the homeschool co-op, and I was recording the CD one weekend at a time. The Holidays are always enough to knock people off their feet, and I was no exception to the rule, yet I kept going, onto finishing the CD, remodeling the basement, and eventually ending off that year (at the end of May 2012) with a 2 week vacation that was wonderful but took me from my normal/healthy routine of eating and sleeping well.

So, it’s no wonder that I am knocked down. Not completely, but enough to see that I cannot do it again. I have to go back to the slower life, where I actually sit down at the table to eat lunch with my kids, where I don’t have so much on my mind that I have to live by a messy ever-growing list, where I realize that if I am to be a homeschooler and a homemaker I must be…home.

It’s one thing to enforce disciplines on myself in order to feel well, like be in bed by 10:30, eat only what is nutrient dense most of the time, have a time each afternoon for prayer, Bible study, and rest, exercise. That’s great, and I’ve been enforcing that stuff on myself since I was a kid (off and on, to be specific!!) But it’s something else to know in my heart and soul that having a full calendar does not equate to having a full life. Just like having lots of relationships and lots of “ministry” opportunities does not equate to obedience. In my heart, regardless of the disciplines that do indeed make me feel better physically/mentally/spiritually, I have to believe and live out the belief that I don’t have to be more than I am.

I’ve said all this before, but here I go again because it’s on the tip of my brain. God is specific and strategic, wise and brilliant, trustworthy and personal. He’s got this. He will give me strength, ability, opportunity, and resources for wherever, whenever, however, to whomever,  He wants me. Because I believe these two sentences, I can live the life I have. There were years where I could not do that!!! But I am free to just want Him, and live the life He has clearly given, trusting if there is more, He will make the space and then make it filled. Because He’s bigger than me, and because I am happily surrendered to Him. He’s got my life to do “something” with or not.

Right now, my “something” may be small, but I’m going to do it with all of my heart.

Okay! So, this has been a good week and a good experiment. My 10 day detox will end tomorrow, because of the birthday dinner tomorrow that there is no way I’m gonna miss! Here’s what I have gotten out of it:

*By God’s grace, I have discovered many of my allergic reactions were caused by one of my supplements, Vitamin B.  Bummer…but I’m excited and hope that this was the only culprit. (Other than roast beef, but that’s a different story!)
*I didn’t do this for weight loss, but I did lose 10 lbs. However, add this to the list of things learned: You may see the scale go down on diets like this, but there is no change in the parts of my body that needed shrinking.
*My stomach has shrunk, and that’s perfect for going right back in to my Body for Life plan that I used to do–I needed to get back to that structure of 4 or 5 mini-meals, each consisting of a palm size portion of a protein and a complex carb, which can be fruits, veggies, brown rice, whatever.
*I feel certain that I really need that protein. Doesn’t have to be animal protein, but protein none the less. The weight loss is probably muscle loss, sad to say.
*My plate will be 50-75% fresh fruit and veggies…and the other stuff, I will be pretty excited about eating since I haven’t had it in over a week.

It’s been a good reboot. I’m glad I did it, and now it’s time for moderation. Moderation is actually harder, more complicated, more time and thought consuming, but obviously worth it. It is good when you learn to stick to something and be in control and not be ruled by your feelings or cravings. We can show our bodies who is in charge and eat what we think is wise…we can, even if we don’t feel like it. 🙂 I really appreciate my husband and my friend Sarah for their support and encouragement these 10 days!!!

Is that right, is it Day 6? Yeah, i think so. This week has been crazy. Multi-tasking every minute. But the busyness has probably made the fruits and veggies only fast much easier. I really expected suffering, I truly did expect a difference in sleep, energy, whatever. But instead, my only complaint is that I have to use the restroom 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night now! TMI? 🙂

This has been good and I could be enjoying it even more if I wasn’t too stubborn and cheap, um, frugal, to go buy more and different stuff at the grocery. I will say adding red onions and a sprinkle of all natural salad spices to my salads has been the highlight the past 2 days! Oh, and yes, I most certainly am using salad dressing. I decided when I started this that I would, otherwise, I really could not do it, and the point is to do it…and I say “whatever” to those legalistic details!

I’m breaking the fast on Sunday afternoon because of a big birthday dinner for Jack, Selah, and Jackson. I can definitely see myself eating a lot more f&V only meals in the future, because it really was simple, made my grocery list fun and easy. Plus, when you’re eating f&v only, you can go back to just knowing you’re eating healthy and stop the whole insane thing of counting carbs, calories, and fat grams for every bite you put in your mouth. 🙂 I am looking forward to tortilla chips (organic blue corn of course!) and cheddar cheese…Funny, but those are the two things I’d like to have.

Gotta get to sleep. Even as important as nutrition is, I am a total mess without lots of that. Good night!

Hey! Yeah, I’m still here! Day 3 I did not have a chance to write, but it was a good day. Surprisingly, I haven’t been really tired or grouchy or headachy. In fact, this morning I woke up wanting to plant a garden! I don’t have the ground tilled yet but we did go and buy a few plants. It is going to be the tiniest garden ever but I am so excited. They are in potting soil in containers right now until my neighbor/Jack’s uncle can till the ground in the one small area of our yard that has sun. I. Am. Excited.

So, I am hungry. If I was juicing, I know I would be doing even better, because for example, I ate 1/2 a cucumber, some raspberries, and some craisins for breakfast at 9. By 11, I was starving of course. At 12, I had a berry/spinach smoothie. If I was juicing I could have had a whole basket of nutrients by now, but its hard to eat as much as you can juice.

I think this is pretty hilarious, though. I have lost like 9 pounds! I’m not taking it seriously of course, because at some point I will start eating more calories and will stabilize at a weight higher than this most likely. But the good things that are happening are:

1) I plan to always have 50-75% of my plate be fruits and veggies.
2) I will make my grocery list and cost consist at least half of fruits and veggies, instead of getting just spinach, carrots, and 2 kinds of fruit each week like I used to buy.
3) I’m getting in the habit of eating fruits and veggies when I’m hungry instead of grabbing a quicker, sweeter, snack.
4) My stomach is surely shrinking.
5) I’ve always wanted a garden and now I’m doing it! YAY! I have no idea if it will produce (we have a lot of wildlife out here) but I am totally pumped.

One day this week, I’ll take pictures of the food I eat all day and share them on the blog.

Hello! So…are you curious about how its going? Which part? The f & v fast or being home after two weeks of sweet blissful vacay?

We’ll start with the fasting first. I am grateful because my sleep last night was not affected by being hungry! I usually eat a Zone bar with my meds and many times I have tried to go without it and laid awake for hours. Thankfully, last night I slept great, and pray I also will tonight! I’ve had lots of spinach salad, tomato soup, apples, raspberries, carrots, strawberries, broccoli and peppers. Oh, and Craisins. Thank God for Craisins. I’m actually enjoying the food a lot and have more things on my list for the next time I go to the store. Surely what I bought will last at least 5 days! That is one thing I have noticed though…how quickly the f & v go when that’s all I’m eating!

I’m thinking the next trip to the store will include what I already bought plus frozen fruit for smoothies and pineapple, red onion, red pepper, green pepper, and corn on the cob to GRILL! YUM! I could eat that everyday, no problem. I am a little tired, and I feel a little “down”, but I honestly think that is more from just being a little overwhelmed emotionally, not what is going on physically.

Which leads to the next thing I was going to write about: Coming home from an awesome vacation where I didn’t have to think about practical things, the calendar, or housework. I jumped back in way too fast because I felt like I had put some people off for long enough. Whew. Right now I honestly want to evaluate some of the things outside my home that I am doing. “Technically”, I have the time to do many of these things, but is it taking my mind, attention, and patience away from my kids, home, husband, and walk with God? If I were to let years go by and not be “really here”, I’d really have lost in this race. Total fail. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to do anything outside my home!! I just need to constantly live with and pray through the tension of the balance and choose very, very carefully.

A few more pics for ya~from Epcot, my favorite! (Great field trip, homeschoolers!!)

 Selah and Jack ate in China…with chopsticks as you can see!

Yemi and I ate in Morocco. It was incredible…but I’d rather go to the real country of course!