I love summer. It brings out the real me. I love seeing things grow and even get really messy, because as someone just recently said on Facebook, the weed game is strong in Kentucky. But truly, even our weeds are pretty. I love tiger lilies in the ditches and wildflowers and vines growing two inches a day. Even though I spend a good amount of each summer with poison ivy, I can’t seem to stay out of it. (I have learned to be more careful, but it’s honestly a challenge to “gear up” every time I want to pull a weed!) All in all, I love the heat, the vibe, the light, the freedom of summer.
Summer is kind of like a parallel or an allegory for me right now. 2023 was one of the hardest years I have ever had. But 2024, after that grieving year, brought about a different Lyndsay and definitely the real me or as close to her as I have been since I was a kid, running around barefoot and freckled in the backyard. I could never have predicted that transformation. It’s a combination of my age (46), a wrestle with God that ended in a really cool space (He won, but I’m the one who benefitted from His winning; how cool is God, btw, for this kindness?), finding pain relief, learning to feel, learning to say no, and ultimately, seeing that all my efforts were simply not going to equal what I always thought they would. Well, that last sentence sums up some of my grief process, but remember, the end of the grief cycle IS acceptance. When you’ve come to the threshold of acceptance, you’re there! You’re in the place of healing. You made it.
I made it.
My life isn’t easy. It isn’t one big summer year-round here for me or anything. But I am different year-round now. Maybe as I unpack the paragraph above, some of the pieces in that suitcase will make sense and meet you where you are and help you, too…I hope so. I’m thankful for them.
-Mid-life is definitely a time to acknowledge what hasn’t been working for us. That will likely require a grief process and feeling like a failure to a certain extent. Here’s what I didn’t accomplish, here’s what I’ll never be, here’s what so-n-so will never be able to give me. It’s okay. It isn’t an end, it’s a beginning! Who was I trying to change? Who was I afraid I would disappoint? Why did I have such high expectations of myself? What must I let go of, to be realistic, happy, and centered on God and not myself, for goodness sake? All I can say is, now is the time to ask these questions. Our authentic selves are in there trying to come out and live in love, not fear. We are going to serve the Lord best from our real selves, not the self that is trying to perform or be what we “should”. I am so blessed by Philippians 1 and 2 and all of 2 Corinthians in this season, as well as Romans chapters 3-8 and Psalm 119. “God’s Law” is the new covenant in Christ, where there is no condemnation and we live by the Spirit of life and peace. I can run in those paths all day long, as Ps. 119 illustrates for my imagination.
-My wrestle with God definitely has a lot of pieces to it. But ultimately I needed to see and believe that it really is only Jesus that rescues us and aligns our lives with God’s pleasure and plan. Not me. I live my life now to thank Him for His grace and encourage others in the “progress and joy” of their faith (Phil. 1:25). I’ve been learning this in little segments my entire life. If you have listened to my music at all since 2003, you know this. The Road To Me Was Long says, “I used to think so much depended on me, thank You that where we stand is not dependent on me.” It Really Is (All About You) states, “I try and try again and then at my end, You begin…” My songs have a thread of “I can’t but You can” running through them all, yet still, I had to grieve when I saw my health, my children, my marriage, and my career all not where I wanted them to be no matter how hard I had tried. I’m not complaining, but I am saying, this was part of how I came into my summer. I had to let go what I thought would happen and grasp Christ alone. I’ll still work for whatever He tells me to work toward, but with a different expectation. He’s in charge of the outcome. May He get every reward for my service, not me.
-Pain relief. Yes. I won’t go into it, but if you have chronic pain, I am so so sorry and I pray you never give up on finding methods for healing and help. It’s so hard to live like that and keep your hope and joy.
-Learning to feel, to not be afraid of what I might feel, and accept others’ feelings has been the most empowering thing I have ever experienced. I’ll sum it up in these questions: Did you know that when others in the room are upset, you don’t have to be? Did you know that no emotions are wrong and that you can do more than just survive/hide/lose your mind through them? I love being a Biblical Mental Health Coach and I wish I had understood this strength and resilience long ago. We all have people in our lives who cannot stand firm and be a solid, calm, joyful individual in the storms of feelings (theirs or others). We do not have to follow in those footsteps. I see the goal now. When you become a solid individual who thinks and feels for themselves, you really are fearless and such a blessing in tumultuous times. You’re honest and know the wave will pass, and you don’t drag others down into the riptide nor do you allow others to drag you into their riptide. We can be compassionate without drowning. I definitely believe that kind of strength comes from our identity in our fearless, loving, good God!
-God has made it really clear to me that certain “yeses” I have already said mean I have to say a lot of “nos” now. I have to be faithful with what I already have in my hands. Period. The person who dies with the most things on their calendar and people in their address book and items on their to-do list and even ministry and intercessory prayer texts doesn’t win. My grieving period taught me some humility. Just sit down, Lyndsay. The world is going to go on without or without me. It’s neat to be so special, important, and precious to God, and at the same time, temporary in our usefulness. It’s just not who we are. I’m in a pause right now. Not a planning session, which is what I used to think a pause meant. No. Just a pause. Just a time of “no”.
Lastly: It was an important thing to recognize and accept that my efforts are not always going to equal the picture I had in mind.
We can see it in plants that we tended carefully yet didn’t thrive; we can see it in people we loved and invested in yet they walked away.
We acknowledge our losses and surprises – “girl, wash your face” – and then we open our eyes and let the sun shine on what is ours for today. That’s what we are responsible for. That’s what God’s will is for us.
I’m asking God for clarity, but I also sense it’s okay to not have a plan–isn’t the Spirit of God described as a wind, no one knowing which way it will go? He knows.
God gave us summer breezes. May they remind us to pause and let Him bring out the real us, His beloved children…freckled and barefoot and free.
