Have you ever felt like yesterday was a completely different decade than today? Like you had this great day where the things you needed to do, you did with energy and joy; the people you needed to deal with, you dealt with with patience and love; the self-control you wanted to have was there when you needed it…and then you wake up the next day and it’s like you cannot find that person in there. You thought certain struggles were over and there they are again. I personally would like to just drop the whole sleep thing sometimes because it takes me so long to get back in the groove and sometimes I can’t ever seem to get back to what I stumbled upon…be it a good voice day, a good hair day, or a really hearing from God day. Is it just me that is so inconsistent and forgetful? I honestly have felt like the girl on 50 First Dates many times with God. That’s why I journal, and I’m not kidding!
I have always known that I struggle with trying to be good and get things done on my own, knowing full well that even in my best effort it is God who truly gives any strength or success. I tend to rely heavily on my efforts and discipline and whatever it takes to do something I set out to do. But I always inevitably fall flat on my face, as I was saying in the paragraph before. I had it…then I lost it…you get the picture. So you can know I am not trying to make this sound like an easy fix when I say that if I am clueing in to anything, I am seeing this: I must must MUST renew my mind everyday. I must come to the Lord to be filled–emptied of self, aware of my absolute lack of goodness, and absolutely surrendering my control and opinions–and then filled with TRUTH everyday. Yesterday’s mercies will not do for today. I need a fresh awakening to Who this Person is dwelling inside me.
Somehow I have wisdom and joy and contentment when I do not hit the ground running in the morning hoping I will naturally evolve into a good natured focused person, but instead running to the Source of my everything…Yes, first, but then all day. All day. We have battles to fight. Not with people, but with the enemy…against lies and suggestions that set themselves up against the knowledge of Christ (ask God to show you and He will)…against distractions that are not necessarily sins but will literally keep us from our callings and commitments to Jesus if we don’t recognize them and choose the beneficial over the permissible. (That last sentence was partly from a book I am reading right now Made To Crave by Lysa TerKaust. Incredible book!!!) That doesn’t mean every day is going to be an awesome day or we’ll be in great moods every day. I’m just seeing that I am not a slave to whatever I wake up to.
Even in my easy little life, I don’t have what it takes to fight my battles and run this race. Even if I did on the outside, there is no way, absolutely no way, that I am comprehending and obeying all that the Lord has for me. I get this sense right now that He is waiting on us, so that He can move us on…and all this time we thought we were waiting on Him. He is waiting on me to come to Him, be renewed daily, be full of His truth and surrendered to His Spirit…so that He can continue His work in me and take me deeper. Sometimes we are bored in our walk with Him…or at least I am…and I see so clearly now that He is waiting to take me places with Him I have never dreamed of. Sometimes I am just lazy in my walk with Him. It is good to see these things about myself! I long to have a consistent passion for Him like He deserves…and if that comes, it will come by letting every day be new and doing the work all over again of settling my heart and mind in His Presence, even if it is just for that day.