When You Don’t Know How Long You Can Keep This Up

Have you ever felt, about a relationship or circumstance or job, that you can’t see yourself going on like “this” for long? Every now and then, when you get really real with yourself, do you feel that?

The other night I was halfway asleep, but my mind and heart were busy trying to get to the bottom of   why I have been so tired…cranky…joy-less, perspective-less! And this question came to mind: “In what parts of your life would you say, ‘I don’t know how long I can keep this up’?” And I thought through each part, each category, of my daily life, assessing how I felt about each. I came to the conclusion that there were actually several things that I love, but that also held a certain dread and anxiety, a fear of how long I can last for the long haul.

For me, it is the daily-ness of it all, the doing & re-doing of Each.Bless-ed.Thing.One.Million.Times. It’s getting up, meeting needs, (remembering my own), quieting the soul to seek the heart of God, serving, exercising, cooking, cleaning, shopping, schooling, soothing insecure hearts, smoothing miscommunications, learning to tame the tongue and live loving and love living…

For others it may be caring for a special needs child or a parent whose health is failing. It may be a very difficult marriage or a particularly hard season in school or work. Maybe it’s months of looking for a job, trying to complete an adoption, losing weight, breaking free from an addiction, or even paying off debt.

Can we last for the long haul? How can we last for the long haul?

We are not 100% spiritual; God gave us bodies and minds to care for, too. Physically, mentally, emotionally and socially, we have to be adults (darn it) and see to it that we invest in ourselves. We’ll reap what we sow. We are free to make changes about a lot of things in our lives. That has been a beautiful thought to me lately–all the freedom the Lord has given us in this lifetime! It’s crazy how easily I forget the choices I do get to make, about my circumstances often and my attitude always.

But even in the most disciplined, or even in the people with the best perspective and sunniest disposition, I think that all of us are met with seasons, relationships, jobs, health issues, or circumstances, that make us put one foot in front of the other and we really don’t know when the day will come that we just can’t take one more step. We can keep our game face on for only so long.

The race is hard, the cross is heavy, and we just don’t wanna anymore. Sometimes.

And God knows it, and expects it, and He is so good to provide the answer in a way that benefits us so deeply…He answers it with Himself.

He answers our limits with His limitlessness. He meets our lack with His abundance.

His Word is full of reminders that He is a fountain that never runs dry, He is the Vine and we are the branches, and He is the Bread of Life, daily manna, who gives sustenance in our desert. He actually really is these things…and He says, “Come and abide.” Come and plug in, come and refuel, come and remember why you’re doing what you’re doing, come and be still and know that He is God and He is good and He is enough. Come and know that while this is our race, it’s not a race, and we can breathe and enjoy and receive…a lot more and more often than we do.

Just a few words from my reading in 2 Thessalonians 2 and 3 today, so fitting after journaling about this very thought right before opening my Bible:

2 Thess. 2:16 “May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good word and deed.”

2 Thess. 3:3-5 “But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.”

2 Thess. 3:13 “And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is right.”

2 Thess. 3:16 “Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.”

We can keep going like this, if HE has called us to, because HE will keep going like this. There will never be a morning we have to wake up and do life without Him, never. We have what it takes because He has what it takes, and He says ALL that is His is ours! It’s scary to not have reserves. I cannot preserve my energy or perspective or even love or hope for tomorrow. I can’t trust in myself. But I can put my trust in the One that never sleeps, never forgets, and never loses heart.

 

 

These Days…

One of my best friends came over the other day to sing and record (a cover), and after telling her what a beautiful voice she has (REALLY, I enjoy listening to her more than the original singer any day), she said, “I just have to sing.” I totally feel the same way. I just have to sing. But maybe even more so, believe it or not, I just have to write. And as I had that thought, my next thought was, “Oh yeah, right, there’s this thing called a blog and I think I actually have one of those, thanks to my awesome husband who knows I just have to write.” 🙂

I tend to only write when I have majorly serious things to say. I want to stop that. I want to believe that my normal might be encouraging or relevant to you, it may make someone laugh or think or be in their moment a little more and even if no one reads, well, that’s actually okay, too, because it did that for me.

So here’s what is on my mind these days…

I wonder if I’m the only one who loves their to-do list but also despises their to-do list. Now I don’t mean the kind of to-do list that is random and temporary, like make a dentist appointment, pick up someone at the airport, etc. I mean the list that is an almost every day kind of list, the necessities. Okay, here’s mine:

*Spend time with the Lord, having my heart and mind renewed in worship, the Word, and prayer (While it’s a discipline that I can’t live without and wouldn’t want to live without, it is still a discipline to settle down my soul with Him.)

*Spend time interceding for whoever He puts on my heart, especially and usually adopting families, countries, people with cancer, marriages, and missionaries (I’m totally fired up about this one…except when I’m not.)

*Study Haitian Creole (I LOVE THIS! I am on Lesson Nine, and I’m just so excited to get to speak with my girls in December!!!)

*Exercise (15 minutes, tops. Don’t be impressed)

*Teach music lessons here at home (Loving my students like crazy by the way)

*Study TBRI/The Connected Child & resources to prepare us for adopting older children

*Tidy the house (And if tidying was all that was necessary I’d be golden, but quite frankly that theory has led me to a very dirty house. This place needs some major elbow grease, but there’s no time for that with all my other daily necessities!)

*Make sure I take my supplements, eat the right foods, stay away from the wrong foods, rest when I’m tired, journal when I’m overwhelmed (Recovering from adrenal fatigue is a life-long process, and I’d rather stay in the aftermath than the math if you know what I mean)

*Somedays, like maybe just a few a month: Blog & song write (& decide if I want to share it on social media or not)

*Oh and I can’t forget a weekly trip to the grocery & hopefully seeing a friend or two for a cup of coffee or better yet some fro-yo

This is all before 2:30.

 

I love all of these things…

but somedays I want to stay in bed and watch Netflix instead.

There, I said it!

But for the most part, this is where you can find me these days. This is a major time of preparation for me. Some of what I’m doing in this season I will not be doing one year from now at all when my girls are here. I am convinced that my daily stuff (even if I do spend a day here and there in bed watching Netflix) is adding up to making me who I am called to be for such a time as this. I feel so blessed to be a homemaker and a stay at home mom (even though I know a lot of working moms who do all this PLUS a 40 hour work week or homeschool and when they come around, I hear angels sing, let us give them a moment of silence…because they need it…okay, carry on now) because it just feels like somebody needs to keep everybody on an even keel and how can I do that if I myself am not on one most of the time?

Opening the doors to myself–emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, creatively, and socially– with this to-do list shows me and my kids that we have a lot of power to bring into our every day. We aren’t slaves to the way we feel when we wake up. We can inch by inch work toward big things that will bless others and help us reach our potential.

Amen to that!

(And amen to at least one day a week of forgetting about most of this and staying in pajamas all day with your people!)