Posted on

The Break Up

This week, I did something I’ve known I needed to do for a long time.

I broke up with sugar.
It was a clean break, no negotiations.
It wasn’t exactly mutual, but he’ll just have to get over me.
Or is the other way around?
Sugar is like a bad boyfriend, really. After the break-up, he has showed up everywhere I am. I’m like, “Really? Seriously?” I mean, come on! Like I want to see him every time I see my friends!
I told him we could rendezvous a little on holidays, but we will not be alone together under any circumstances!
It would be nice to never be near him again, but alas…this is not realistic. He’ll be hanging around forever, sometimes even hidden when I least expect him. However, I am sure that this was the right decision for me. He was not good to me, and he’s never going to change!
Life is sweet enough without him. (So take that!)
Posted on

Love Song

“I can’t understand this work of grace

how a perfect God would come and take my place…
Stars, they don’t move you
the waves can’t undo you
the mountains in their splendor cannot steal your heart;
this God who is holy
perfect in beauty
awesome in glory
is ravished by my heart…
Though I’m poor You say I am lovely
though I’m dark You say I am beautiful…
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart…”
I can’t stop singing this song, even though I have known it for over a year now. I feel like I have fallen deeper into grace than I ever have before. The fact is, I am an over achiever and while I consciously don’t realize my self righteousness, I do believe that I can accomplish my goals on my own. I am upset when I can’t. And I’ve fallen deeper into grace because this week I saw once again where my striving gets me! There truly is nothing good in me. Even if I was meeting every expectation that I set out for myself, emphasis on I, it would only be because of God’s amazing grace, strength, and help anyway. It’s crazy how in the midst of this utter realization of my power, or lack of power I should say, that is when God brings me one step deeper and farther into holiness and His path and even seemingly impossible challenges to obey. To me, this is so backwards! In my mind, I would think that if I “failed” and was truly unable, God would (at best) kinda leave me alone…but instead it seems as if He is glad I know now what He always knew, and even better, is totally crazy in love with me
As I heard someone sing last night, “I hide in the wounds of the Lamb.” This means to me that I expect to live a holy life, not a never ending cycle of sin/forgiveness that means nothing to me, but at the same time, despite my greatest hopes of how I can obey my sweet Savior, I must live in the knowledge of my desperate flesh which would overcome me without His grace.
Posted on

Eloisa

(This is just a random pic of Selah and Yemi!)


I am so excited tonight! We have been sponsoring a child in Ethiopia through World Vision forever, and this month we found out he had aged out of the program. He is out of school and his family moved away. So, we were able to pick out a new child to sponsor and I had always thought it would be great for Selah to do the choosing when she got old enough to understand.


Last year, I was explaining child sponsorship to her, and after I finished she said, “Mom, you adults might call it sponsorship, but I call it sharing.” She was just four years old when she said that. Her words instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that’s exactly what it is. I’ll be honest in saying how much I wish we could and would sponsor more children, because even though our budget is tight and sometimes difficult to even buy groceries, we still have so much more. We have so many luxuries that we call necessities. I think about this a lot, and pray for a constant re-evaluation before the Lord in this matter. I trust Him to tell us what changes to make and how to “share” more, as He has in the past.

So, tonight Selah picked out a little girl named Eloisa, from Mexico. She shares Selah’s birthday, same year as well, so they are both five years old. She loves to play dolls, just like Selah. It is really neat to think that they will grow up together, just in different countries. We have learned some Spanish and want to learn a lot more, so I like that Selah picked a girl from Mexico. And it’s a plus that she’s not that far away, so there is great possibility that we could visit her someday! It is totally my dream that if we don’t live overseas, that we visit and develop relationships and share Jesus as often as possible with many different tribes and tongues. God will have to work that all out…I have a lot of dreams!

And one came true tonight!
Posted on

Songs

I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose…because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people’s songs and my own at Christmastime last year…at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body’s inability to “pull it together”, and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!

January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay…it was God’s gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not “feeling” like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.
I’m not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I’ve wondered about singing again…I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons…but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.
Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan
“I want Your blood to flow inside my body
want Your breath inside my lungs
we just want to love You, we just want to love You…
Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found
so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in”
I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.
Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God’s banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I’m sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.
Posted on

Life Today

Yemi is watching the last five minutes of Elmo’s World, which she loves. She’s wearing a little apron and playing in her kitchen at the same time. It’s fun to be with her every morning! Selah is at school, her 9th day of kindergarten. I have such mixed feelings every time I go into her room. I think she would be bored if she were home with me, because I just don’t have the mojo to keep her going all day–and maybe I shouldn’t have to, but until I figure out how all of us can survive in this same space 12 hours a day and be happy, this is the right thing to do! I am still deeply in prayer about sending her to school vs. homeschool.

I do not believe that there is one across the board answer for every parent, such as “homeschooling is the only way for your kids to be raised in the admonition of the Lord.” However, I need to know if God is telling us specifically that His calling on Selah’s life does require her to be homeschooled. That is my prayer, and I have to trust Him to tell me. Right now, I feel sad that she is gone, and I often think of things we would be doing if she was home. But at the same time, I am glad she is having this experience, and when she gets home we jump into the most important things that we used to do together, things that are the priority of our lives. I am so concerned that these things are her priority–the Word, worship, learning how to be more like Jesus, the nations, hearing the Lord personally–but I’m not sure that staying home with me every day is the way this will happen. For myself, these priorities happen through some things at home, like disciplines, but even more so they happen as I live out my daily life, in relationships, goals, difficulties, even conflicts.
Also under the category of “life today”, I am struggling big time with my health again. I feel like it is affecting me even mentally and emotionally this time; I would say the blame falls on myself and on attack of the enemy. There are a list of things I know in my heart I have to do right now in order to be well and feel focused. I’m sure everyone has these things in mind. For me, I see these daily things as obedience, not just a good idea…therefore, I’ve had to repent of my laziness and bad choices! It’s been hard. Do I ever get a break from trying my best to live this wise life? When I “take a break”, I am the one who ends up suffering. Hopefully I will learn that soon! In the meantime, I am taking one day at a time, knowing I cannot obey these simple callings on my own. I am leaning on my Beloved. I am coming to Him all day. I am lost without Him. I don’t know how other people feel. I would assume they feel a lot more stable…but I just don’t. I will again though, with the help of the Lord.
Obedience is serious. I am definitely in a time of the discipline of the Lord right now (Heb. 12), and I have tasted the fruit…it’s worth it. I just have to remember He disciplines those He loves. I will be stronger and more able to serve Him and be where He is at, through obeying these simple (yet all consuming) callings on my life right now. Guess that’s enough processing through this for today!
Posted on

On Track?

Every day is a new chance to get on track, and in sync, and aware, and awake. Especially after a weekend where all structure and diets fly out the window, Monday feels like an important day to make good choices. It seems like every day, even multiple times during the day, I have that chance to be engaged in the right things or not. I don’t know if it is normal for it to be so hard, but to me it IS hard!!!

I have prayed lately for God to be the fire inside of me, burning away desires that are not wise, and motivating me toward the thoughts and actions that are. So He is answering that prayer. I can take no credit, because I feel the constant struggle and am not strong enough to always do the right thing. It’s on my mind way too much. But He is answering that prayer because I feel His power at work. If the incarnate Christ lives in me, then I have the mind of Christ. If the Spirit lives in me, then I possess self-control and wisdom. I am a co-laborer with Him in living a wise life. I am not living in the dullness or confusion of not making my own decisions and letting life happen to me. I’m learning that this thing of “being on track” is not going to happen through rules or even a schedule, a diet or a structure. It’s going to happen because I’m asking for more of Him, and less of me, and He is good enough to be answering that prayer.
While I am more comfortable with rules than with trusting myself to live by the Spirit, oh what a true sentence that is, I know God wants me to stay on track WITH Him, certainly not just for Him…
Posted on

Yemi

Our darling Yemisrach has been here in our home for 15 months, and this week I was blessed with a much-needed, fresh perspective on this blessing!

Yemi surviving her first 8 and a half months in Ethiopia first of all, and then joining our family is a miracle in itself. She is a sweet, beautiful, smart, and fun addition to our family. Knowing God leaves the 99 to go after the 1 is one thing; seeing Him do it in the physical realm is another, and I have learned so much about that crazy kind of love through our personal experience of adoption. We are so glad God led us to adopt!
However, in the midst of having a 2 year old who screams a lot…who is strong willed…who won’t go in nursery (well, she did today for the 1st time ever, thank you Kendra!)…who tends to be negative…some days I have forgotten just how precious and miraculous she is. I’ve been a little unmotivated in my desire to be the kind of mom I truly want to be. Also, because of the way that I have felt recently, I was nervous about Selah going to school and me being alone with Yemi all day. Then I happened upon a blog by a friend who is in a very difficult phase of their adoption. It broke my heart, because I remember that feeling during our own adoption process of not knowing if God would deliver us/Yemi from the situation or not, and if He was going to, when? There was no Plan B. God would deliver and help, or this dream of being together would end.
As I was reading that blog and interceding for God’s movement in their adoption process, I was flooded with thankfulness and relief that I was within earshot of Yemi’s screams! The embarrassing fits or aggravating complaints are just proof that she is near me and not on the other side of the world! I have new eyes and ears. I’ve fallen in love with her all over again this week as Selah has been out of town.
The miracle is fresh and new. I can’t believe we are in on it!
Posted on

A Journal Entry

Last night in prayer with some friends, I felt like an understanding crept into my heart…wanted to share this from my journal:

“Wherever we are in life right now, even if it feels like we’re wandering around in a wilderness far away from the point or what we thought was the point, when we humble ourselves and make walking with God our only real goal and priority, that vast wilderness becomes a path…dare I say, instantly. Out of the wilderness that held us captive and confused, arises a path to walk on. A path that will take its own time leading us here or there, up or down, wherever God is going to let you go with Him. A path that shows us that when we are looking at Him and not at ourselves, there is absolutely no chance of being lost, or regretful, regardless how much we have indeed lost.
I hate the idea of being lost, wasting time, missing the point, never grasping all God wanted me to do. All I can do is think about what I must have done wrong, what I must find a way to do better. But His promise is sure. We can word it however it feels right, but hopefully we are all saying this promise is sure: Our utter fulfillment as humans and as children of God is to spend our lives being the object of His affection, and in turn, knowing Him deeper and deeper each day. Who are we to learn to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength first of all firsts? Who were we created for before spouses, before sin, before schedules and jobs and everyday life? God. Until this is in first place, with what love do we love our families, neighbors, and the world? Our love is a response to His love. The human-divine intimacy will always be the source.
I feel like we do not wander in the wilderness out of stupidity or cluelessness or even false teachings, at least I can say for those who strongly desire to leave. We wander in the wilderness out of pride. We cannot believe that it could be this basic, to lay down our kingdoms and all we wanted to say we did for God on that final day, and never pick it back up again, choosing a life of surprises instead.”
Posted on

My Girl

My girl is growing up! How does one handle such a thing? Selah is five years old, and although her drama gets old, I would not mind if she was able to be magically frozen at this exact age! I have said that every year (okay, every year since she turned three). She is just an amazing kid! So smart, witty, funny, and beautiful. She amazes us everyday with her outgoing personality and truly loving demeanor. Right now, I particularly love putting her to bed at night, seeing her first thing in the morning (I love that fresh but sleepy face!), and worshipping with her at home and at church. She’s lovely and precious. And she starts kindergarten in about 6 weeks. Will I survive?
Posted on

Being Loved and Other Stuff

I felt the love of the Lord today.

I am the kind of person that “feels” loved if I do a good job. Like, at the end of the day if I have done all the things I consider good and important, I feel a nod of approval. I don’t realize most days that this nod of approval is totally in my head or psyche or whatever, and not necessarily God smiling down on me…it’s just how I naturally feel when all is right and in control in my little world. And then of course the opposite happens as well. If I am feeling tired or crappy, or if I’m feeling fine but just not motivated, then my day might feel like quite the failure because I didn’t connect with my kids well or help anyone or even communicate with God much.
So today I was very tired from 2 days away (so fun by the way) and I did absolutely nothing. I am feeding frozen pizza to my family tonight. We watched TV all day. I didn’t exercise or have prayer time or take care of the house or visit anyone. But right smack in the middle of all this wonderful laziness, I was watching Veggie Tales with the girls and Jr. Aspagarus sang, “And so, it’s good to know You really love me, it’s true the Bible says You do, You really love me, Your love was with me all throughout my day.” I felt the rush of the love of God, and we all just stopped and worshipped. The girls both were saying “Jesus!” because they felt His presence, too. His love isn’t like: “I feel sorry for you, you pitiful thing, yes, just for today I will show you love, but tomorrow you better get with it.” In fact, His love was saying to me that even if I had done everything in a day that I know I am supposed to do, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.
Every day isn’t like this. Every day holds “obedience opportunities” and I don’t want to miss them. But it is wonderful to know His love is the same, beating strong and overflowing with delight in us…all the time, no matter what. It is the base of all good living.