One thing I see in us as a genuine value of the Kingdom is transparency.
When I was first learning who and what the Holy Spirit was, I imagined that I was a store front with glass windows and He lived inside that store. If I had lots of things blocking the window or if the windows were just terribly smudged and dirty, He couldn’t be seen when people tried to look in to find Him. Well, the windows being dirty clearly is an indication of sin, and the windows being blocked: that could be many things. But one thing it definitely is is good old fashioned pride. Not wanting anyone to see what’s really going on in there!
It takes a while for me to see pride in my heart and life; it’s like it always appears in a way I didn’t expect it to look. Always. But either way, if I am feeling like I am too wishy-washy, too immature, too emotional, too anything- I’d rather nobody know about it. I’d like to keep things tidy and organized in how I am described, you know? I don’t want to be known as the woman who pings off this wall, hits another, and comes back. I don’t want to write blogs that seemingly contradict the strong faith and/or feelings I had last week.
Quite frankly, it seems I don’t really want to be human neither do I want to appear human to others! 🙂
But I am. And I’ve got to stop judging myself so harshly for it. I’m sure that way of thinking has overflowed into my relationships with others, too, without me realizing it, and I’m sorry for that. We’re human, and we’re going to let each other down sometimes. We’re going to be wrong, irrational, messy, and need help and forgiveness and time and grace. I’m tired of feeling like if I’ve chosen a certain path I must stay to it until death! (Unless I promised until death, which is a short list there!)
So here’s where this human is right now:
My life lately has become a big fat set of to-do lists. To live on little sleep, little energy, little outlets, little relief from whatever little problems that have been wearing a hole in the rock for years means you begin surviving through a set of rules that will bring some control (I can at least do this thing on my list, so no one can say I ain’t trying!) , a little comfort (pat on the back for getting it done? I’ll take it!), and a little hope (if I am good enough at these things–my family’s nutrition, a clean house, schooling the kids in what I think is the best (read: hardest) way, being strict on diet and exercise, prayer and ministry–then maybe, just maybe, the clouds will part and I will come into a promised land!)
So that’s really all I have to say tonight. The Holy Spirit lives in me and I am wanting you to see Him, so I can let you know that I’m great some days and awful some other days, but EVERY DAY I am so fully human it hurts. I don’t know how to do this and please forgive me for the days I think I do. Once I think I am free from expectations of mine and others, I realize I’m not. Once I think I’m on the right path, it’s time to change. Once I think I’ve got balance in the areas of my life, I realize something is out of whack. I’m tired of living on a tight rope though. I’m going to accept humanity; it was one of God’s gifts to me after all.
I need help learning how to fall off that tight rope and just land where I do.
I need help learning again to be still. To listen. To stop, a lot.
I need help learning again how wonderful it is to let the Holy Spirit guide my day instead of a to-do list or an innate set of expectations of what must be cleaned, cooked, prepared, prayed for, surrendered, journaled, meditated on, practiced, given, done, accomplished…
I need help learning to have fun!
I need to learn that I can’t control what others see when they look into this transparent window. I can’t make sure what you see is a miracle of God, a clear manifestation of God’s goodness and faithfulness. You may look in and see nothing that helps your life or grows your faith, because God is not scared of what we witness and then have to struggle with. He doesn’t do damage control to His reputation; I have always wished He would, but He doesn’t. So that’s His business.
Whatever He’s doing, I hope we can have eyes to see it.