Good evening, friends! I feel like I lost the past 3 weeks of my life! No reason to backtrack, it is nothing worth hearing! We were all sick…twice. Wah! But in that down time, I had a remarkable amount of reflecting, praying, journaling, thinking, talking, crying, and planning going on. I knew as it was going on that it was good, but I did begin to worry it might never let up…One can only handle so much of that stuff!
There’s a song I have been listening to a lot by Sara Groves, From This One Place. The chorus is “From this one place I can’t see very far. From this one moment I’m square in the dark. These are the things I will trust in my heart, that You can see, You can see, something else.” Its been rolling around in my head for days…The soundtrack of this difficult emotional and physical season.
I turned 35 in the middle of this time, and while I love birthdays and did get to celebrate (several times!), I was a little sad. From this one place, from this one moment, wow, I really cannot see very far. I am in more of a submissive position than ever to the Lord and others; I have finally learned how very little control I have over my destiny!! With this fatigue issue comes a lot of research, discipline, investment of time and money, and honestly, questioning…”Will this work? Is this worth it? Am I doing enough? Am I changing the right things?” There were relationships that needed hours of working through. There were fears embedded deep at the root of things I wasn’t letting go of. There were and will be again days where I am clinging to this one thing: that He at least can see something else. I worked hard while I was sick!
In all of those feelings though, in all of the work I am required to do as the caretaker of my life here, there are certain solid truths that just carry me. They really lift me up and carry me. The belief that God personally calls me His Beloved and that everything He allows into my life goes through His hands first, that carries me. He is not bewildered or upset by my hurdles, and they are not for me to jump over anyway…they are for me to walk through hand in hand with Him. The knowledge that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and intercedes to the Father in accordance with His will every minute of every day, that carries me. The blessing of community, friends and family who would drop anything to be the Body of Christ to each other, that carries me.
I like to soar, not be carried. But this is a good place.