So…I am finding myself awake and angry in the middle of the night. In the past couple of hours, I have prayed and poured my heart out to God. I’m too tired to cry and I’m sure my words are more like knowing glances. He hears and sees it all…what a sweet God we have. And I sense in return that right after a time of intensity with the Lord and family (such as this past week, with Jack’s Mom’s passing) this is when the enemy is going to attack. He is attacking with several familiar swords…but I have some pretty decent armor myself, and I’m writing right now to remind myself of this fact.
I come to this place, in the face of my enemy: I will choose to love and I will rely on the Lord for that love. When someone asks me for apples, I will go to the Lord and get said apples and bring them to that person. So many times I have thought I knew what “God’s will” was for me, and I would come up with neat ways to “serve Him.” But right now, even in this place of sadness and raw honesty, I know His will, really, is that I learn to love in the most difficult situations with the most difficult people. If I can’t choose to do this in the private realm, what hope is there for believers like me out there trying to love and serve in the public realm?
Is it fake? No, it’s Christ in us. It’s choosing to not live by feelings. It’s choosing to somehow care about someone else more than we care about ourselves. Sure, there are boundaries…and this choice weighs on a person, it’s really heavy sometimes to bear up under…and it has to be chosen every new day, sometimes many times a day. So many scriptures come to mind the very moment I begin to think I don’t have to choose to love: Accept one another, bear with one another, forgive one another…The alternative is not an option.
I put on my helmet of salvation to protect my thoughts. No self pity allowed, no “I deserve…” allowed. I put on my breastplate of righteousness. Fill my heart with love to overflowing, that will be my protection. An overflowing cup physically cannot allow anything else to take residence.
I put on my belt of truth.
I put on my shoes of the gospel of peace! I will live out the gospel of peace.
I take up my shield of faith.
I take up my sword which is the Word of God.
Amen. Thank You, Jesus.