Yay! I am very glad to say that I am feeling a bit better this week! Still feeling “it”, but it’s not completely overwhelming. I have spent a good amount of time resting, journaling, and working through some things that were weighing on me.
I never know how much to share on blogs but since not a lot of people read this, I hope its okay to say…One of the things weighing on me was my feelings that I was just not cut out for or good enough to do my worship leading position at my church. I haven’t done a week-in-week-out thing for so long. It’s one thing to visit churches and sing and speak what God puts on my heart and then leave (they don’t have to ask me back and I feel a freedom to just be myself)… and another to have a group of people stuck with me full-time. While they can trust I am singing and speaking what God puts on my heart, there’s just a small part of this where me “not being their cup of tea” might matter…and it was really bothering me.
I’ve been praying through it, unpacking these feelings, asking for discernment and truth. And God is at work here. He actually gave me a whole list of truths to read each Sunday (to myself) to remind me of why I’m doing what I’m doing and Who is the one doing it! It was His choice to put me there, first of all; it was good to be reminded of that. That’s kinda important. 🙂 Here are the three main things He said I must do: Be myself, be connected to Jesus, and have fun! My job is to be a friend of the Bridegroom, spreading the word to the Bride that He is wanting us to be with Him where He is. That can be done in such a variety of ways…why worry so much about how it is being done, as long as it IS being done? I don’t want to give into this thing of “worshipping worship.” It’s all about Jesus and turning our face to Him, our Refuge, our Oasis, the Love of our lives.
And so I decided to own this, to really own it. I’d rather totally give what I have to give as I walk in the Spirit, and be myself to the fullest, and go out on limbs using my gifts and ideas as I hear from the Lord, and be kicked to the curb…than to just play it safe and make my decisions based on what I think people will want. Yuck.
So the first thing I have done with my freedom is write a responsive reading that we are going to do at church on Sunday! I’m going to post it as the next blog, if you want to read. Thank you for praying for me, if you were led to. I don’t know what the future holds, if I’ll feel well or work or not, but I know that continuing to slow down, simplify, and live freely are part of it!