You know, I have so much growing to do…so much learning to do…so many things that I don’t even know need to be cleaned up in my heart, life, beliefs…I won’t know what they are until God allows circumstances or conviction or conversation to bring them up. Having said that, I want to blog today about something that sort of shocked me.
Yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with a loved one. It felt at the time that it was coming out of nowhere, but throughout the day I realized it was a bit of a time bomb waiting to go off. I am the type of person that once I have changed, for example once my attitude is different about something, I completely forget what I used to be like. It takes something big to happen before I go, “Oh my gosh, I don’t do that anymore” or “Wow, that’s not even an issue now.” My point is that since God did such a work of freedom in my heart the past year or two (which I won’t explain because I’ve talked so much about it in my blogs already), I live in a fairly peaceful state. I certainly can still get mad or upset about things, and I have my moments of feeling sad and depressed, but because the deepest question in my soul has been answered, I am calm and at peace, and don’t worry about many things. I don’t ignore problems, I don’t pretend, but at the same time, I feel like I have accepted a lot of the things that are hard in life that others want to keep fighting against.
I’m not trying to sound high and mighty, like I’ve arrived at some nirvana! BUT I am free from my striving to achieve and change things. I am free from trying to make God or anyone else do or become something of my creation, my planning. I don’t live in a constant state of trying to prevent suffering. This has definitely started to show in my parenting, my conversations, my emotions (what I don’t get worked up about), etc. Well, finally I will get to the point: While people have mentioned that they think I am patient, calm, at peace, yesterday was the first time I was actually attacked about it. Without going into it, I think they were jealous of this perspective and peace that God has given me. It was so weird to be accused of not caring enough about the things other people care about, not trying to dress or live like others, living “cluelessly” like a “hippie”. I absolutely took this as a compliment. Of course there were some mean things said as well, that I won’t share. These things I didn’t take as a compliment, but I have disregarded them already! I’ve also been told my kids don’t respect me because I’m too sweet and patient with them, when they need sternness. (First of all, I’m not sweet and patient, and plenty stern, don’t be fooled! I only attempt to control MYSELF first and foremost, above controlling them.) I take this as a compliment, too.
I really do feel secure in the way I am living my life. It is a relief and a joy to hear these criticisms and after praying about it, really think to myself, “There was nothing of value from God in that. I am moving on.” I’m sharing this, not to sound like I have it all together, because we all know I do not and am not even trying to, but because we are ALL in this same boat. We have to make our decisions and just LIVE. People’s comments really can just slide off our backs. Our validation, encouragement, and correction comes from the Lord. Be free, friends, be free! I hope that sharing this little glimpse of my journey to confidence and freedom will be affirmation to you!