I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose…because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people’s songs and my own at Christmastime last year…at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body’s inability to “pull it together”, and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!
January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay…it was God’s gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not “feeling” like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.
I’m not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I’ve wondered about singing again…I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons…but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.
Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan
“I want Your blood to flow inside my body
want Your breath inside my lungs
we just want to love You, we just want to love You…
Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found
so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in”
I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.
Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God’s banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I’m sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.