Lights and Shadows

“Oh but this year is different, for you and for me
our own little miracle on our own little street
never before have I loved silent night so
but now that you’re here by my side
baby it is, baby it is, it really is a wonderful life.”

This year really is different, and better! We have our girls, safe and sound, enjoying the Christmas season together at home. It is such a relief that our adoption process is over, and Yemi Taylor, right now as I type, is asleep in her crib in our very house! Selah is at a lovely age for Christmas, taking in each and every experience as if it were a miracle. It is a joy to do things with her and give gifts to her, because she appreciates it all so much. I used to sing a song all the time called “How Could I Ask For More?” by Cindy Morgan, and that’s how I feel with this family God has given us. Lighting candles, the sparkling tree, singing every Christmas song and watching every Christmas movie…we started early to fit it all in. It’s been a good season already, with lots of time together, which is the best part!
But to be honest, (because what is a blog for if you can’t be honest, right?) I’m taking all this in, every day, and sometimes I am terrible at living in the moment. I think about some things I would like changed way too much, like about our house or certain situations; I think about how much I don’t want the kids to grow up, how sad that will be. I think about feeling like a failure in some other areas of my life that can’t be attended to right now. Ultimately, I’m not at rest in what God has given me in the present way too often and I think it’s because of fear. I’m afraid that these health issues I’ve been facing are going to ruin the beauty and privilege of this time; that Jack and I will get in some kind of rut that keeps our family from achieving all God has for us; I’m afraid of things changing before I’m ready.
I have to remember He will be there with me when all these things and people I love so much are no longer with me in the same way they are today. He is with me now, in the ideal days and in the crappy days. He will be with me then. I have to draw near to the everlasting light, my hope for yesterday, today, and tomorrow…who does not change like shifting shadows or fade in and out through time. His love is all I need.

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